Sunday, 28 December 2008

am a puddle....

am a puddle....

suffering post traumatic stress disorder or some such thing methinks...

have been unable to do much today but read, wander out and dip in the pool, and eat, with brief forays into cyberspace.....

have had huuuuuge few days

the whole trauma of SPF

then brads rello's on boxing day

then my family reunion yesterday.......

too much for this little huge black duck



yesterday was incredible.

except for the photos which have made me leave my house of denial and back into stark reality. MUST. DO. SOMETHING. ABOUT . MY. WEIGHT. 

Personal astrologer reckons it will come off with the detox course of drops i am on at the moment.... which is making strange purging things happen too. like reliving old issues/events and nurturing myself through them. tis good (but scary)

back to the story,

met some relations that i havent seen in decades, and some that i havent ever met. some that i havent seen since i was a child and some that are children. Like the two little italian cousins, 4 and 6 years old, and incredibly adorable with the most gorgeous italian/english accents... like Sophie Loren.... (one of them WAS sophia!!)

i found a cousin that i was named after. and heard some stories that made some things really click into place.

wow

still reeling really

my cousin who has the same name as me (first and middle - and is 20 years older then me) is my dads sisters' child. my aunt was incredibly psychic i am told - and this cousin takes after her... we had a tangible connection that we both felt from the mintute we walked in the door . It wasnt until we were almost ready to leave (8 hours later) that we found out we have the same name....

exchanged phone, numbers and email addresses etc and will definately be keeping in contact with her. excellent


and my two michevious little twin cousins - who are now 34!! and web developers and code writers and world travellers and one has a wife name Fuschia!! incredible. hilarious and still michevious - piss takers for sure.


i counted about 8 school teachers there, including a principal, who has asked that i bring over my resume and i will probably get some work!! excellent

all in all it was an incredible day.......


today however

has been spent deep inside my head, and deep inside my book.... and not much in between. Like a thick fog has descended and everything is kinda muffled.

Like you were saying Nat about those that knew you before.... it is kinda like that - all those people, and everyone that was my age(ish) or older can remember me - and has stories about me when i was young.... and i dont remember myself.... my childhood is blurred to me - yet these people remember.

hmmmm - sent  me deep down...... still trying to sort it......

frikkin hot too


gotta go

hugs
xoxo

Friday, 26 December 2008

its over...

phew

thank goodness for that


I always get really really pissed off at christmas by now - it is just such a shamelessly brazen consumer spendfest. Even in times of hardship. It is all about how much you spend. Even if it isnt about that - opc's make it that. And make kids who were happy with what they had, because it was what they wanted, feel bad because they didnt get 'a pile that was bigger then me!!'.


I always try to not get over excited and walk the line between getting enough to make it special, yet not too much to overindulge them....

enuf


well, as 2008 draws to a close my thoughts go, as they usually do at this time of year to the year that was and specuate on the what next year will bring. I am in a nine year, so still expect some clearing out changes and finishing up ready to start a new cycle on my birthday next year..... honour what was....

in my head a lot lately.... honour what is... honour what was..... honour her.... honour him.....

goes hand in hand with gratitude really, doesnt it.

tomorrow i am going to a family reunion. very exciting. its my dads side of the family - cant wait. my dad was born in 1918 (died 1985) and was one of five children. I was born when my father was 47 so my cousins are, on the most part, old enough to be my mum or dad and so its my cousins kids that i relate to more. We have never been a close family - so should be good to meet them tomorrow - excellent.

oh well, better go now and get some shut eye - gotta hit the shops for supplies before we go.....

love and hugs
jen
xoxo

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Just one more peek - just because..... :}

 
Sigh....
Wonder what he has in his sack....??
Happy Christmas Eve everyone!!!
been cleaning madly and am about to go and get the final last minute things....  yay. 
then will come home and make all the preperations possible in the kitchen for tomorrow. 
one kid still to wrap for and thats it. 
still cant wait for friday, and it will all be OVER!!!
PS - Natsy makes the BESTEST hedgehog cake EVER!!!!!!! 
yUmMoOoOoOo
You truly are an incredible cook my friend.  :)

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Bar friggin humbug


here is a pickie of my wonky bush. I might point out to you too, the guardian gargoyle type thingy on top of the speaker is wearing a christmas cat suit, cape and hat with fluffy ears - stunning. Almost looks better on him then it does on the cat!!

The large gift in front isnt for me - damn it - i am very excited. Shhh - dont tell anyone but I  am getting a new mobile phone hee hee hee - i am a techno coveter and am very very very excited about this. So please slot this in, along with the stroud weekend away, into number 39 of the meme below.

NOT excited, however, about having to go in and take more photos at honeysuckle and the beach this arvo. bugger. boy child is EXTREMELY unexcited, girls resigned to the fact. oh well, i bribed him with an ice cream from Jims on the way home.

Went to Jesmond today and have FINALLY FINISHED the shopping. YAY YAY YAY. Only have to do the fruit and veges and just  a few more groceries and am totally done!! I might even go online and order from the Banana Barn - I did that last year and they were very good. And they deliver to the door. Luxury. Good prices too. Clicky here if interested. Or it might mean a trip to the Harris Farm at Glendale.... yuk. Am rambling now ... sorry.

Oh - one more thing... remember I put out an appeal for a satiny sheet?? Some local friends made generous offers, and if anyone seriously wants to give one away, please comment with maybe some details for me to contact you re pick up (i will not publish your details, promise). Thanks again. xoxo

will go now and have a nice coffee and a read of my book, The Princess Bitchface Syndrome, surviving adolescent girls.  its quite good actually - bit of food for thought and has made me see some things a bit differently.

Friday, 19 December 2008

Done

Job done...

term over


last day of work for the year today.

Been booked for every tuesday next term plus the first two wednesdays. very good as i normally dont get any work in the first term of the year.

thats mainstream

otherwise, have 2,241 photographs to rename and resize and upload to a website. along with new formatting, as i have traditionally changed it every year, plus 54 page title images. hmmmm - thinking that will take a couple of hours.

plus will probably have to start thinking about the dreaded spf and assorted obnoxious rellies descending on me for the day - woo hoo. not.

groan

will go now and read to escape.

xoxo

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

A Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Um this is a hard one..... might have to do something in the next week or so.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I DID!!! And it was the NYR that i have made for many years now. I GAVE UP SMOKING!! yay me

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Nat did.... and i dont envy her - i would rather chew off my own arm rather then give birth at this stage of my life.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but my older half brothers mother died, does that count??

5. What countries did you visit?
Let's see, there was Mexico, China, Norway, Germany, Italy, America, Japan, Morocco, France, United Kingdom, and Canada. Ok, Im lying... i didnt go anywhere this year


6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Appreciation

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
I should probably have some great, profound moments that are indelibly written on my brain, but alas not, sorry.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Giving up smoking. excellent

9. What was your biggest failure?
My diet. I still weigh about as much as a Sumatran Rhino.

10. Did you suffer from injury or illness?

Not me personally, but we did have the whole stitches drama last month...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new computer... still tweaking it though

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Celebration?? cant think on anyones, please see number 13

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
do i really need to spell this one out.

14. Where did most of your money go?
On groceries

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I dont remember being more then just excited, without the 'really's'.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008?
I don't listen to music too much. I may be the only person in the country who doesn't own an MP3 player. I really don't know, but I'll tell you what song reminds me of 1975
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier/sadder,thinner/heavier,richer/poorer?
sadder, same weight, richer (thanks kevin).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
housework (not really)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
housework (not really)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Lunch at our place with assorted rellies, and chaos abounds!

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
I dont spend much time on the phone... I used to, but not anymore.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
Lets see..... now thats one, four, seven ....... thinking.... KIDDING - None!!

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Gossip Girl - trashy i know.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Everything by Fiona McIntosh

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
"Musical discovery"? Like the time I discovered the lost symphony of Beethoven buried beneath that old church in Germany? What the heck is a musical discovery? Are they asking if I'm responsible for discovering any major talent?

28. What did you want and get?
milk and bread

29. What did you want and not get?
contentment

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
I havent really watched any movies this year. Sorry

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Really?? It was in August and I was 43. I dont remember what I did though. I know i did go out for coffee and lunch several times.....

32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Support

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Nothing I wear could be considered a 'fashion concept'.

34. What kept you sane?
ROFL! Oh that's a good one! Me, sane! Hee hee hee!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None really - I still love Guy Pierce in a frock, but that was soooooo lastyear...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Politics isnt my thing...

37. Who did you miss?
I missed the old me - the one who was carefree and happy....

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I have met HEAPS of people this year - I dont want to single anyone out - I loves ya all

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
never assume
dont listen to harmful and nasty criticism

i am unique and neccessary

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
"nobody knows the rhythm of my heart"

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Kids

Went and took some photos of the kids and their cousins late yesterday arvo. Had a fiddle in photoshop too.




 all good - nearly done spf shopping etc

still havent done the rap


still havent blogged my bush - must get onto that post haste


working for the rest of this week then its six weeks off!!! YAY



so - nose to the grindstone


 see you soon

mwa

xoxo



Monday, 15 December 2008

Wow

am overwhelmed with the response of slippery sheets. thank you very very much everyone for your offers - i guess the next time i will see anyone will be either tuesday (hopefully) or wednesday (almost definately) nights at the cottage.

she will be rapt.

thank you again

xoxo

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Strange request...

Hi there

I know this is a strange request but here goes....

my middle child - who is an 'individual' - has some strange ways sometimes.

Often things that come up with her are 'sensory'. She seems very susceptible to how things 'feel'.

She has always had trouble sleeping and lots of methods have been tried over the years and most have had limited success. Right now we are in the 'searching for another answer' for her sleep thing.

However - she has come up with taking her sheet off her mattress and sleeping directly on the silky feeling mattress... Hmmmm - whatever works for now - but dont want it to go on for too long  because of the obvious washing issues.

sooo - that brings me to my request. Would anyone have hanging around some kind of satiny feeling sheet (any size - she is in a single bed now so can tuck it in) that they would be happy to donate, swap something for or sell to me??

Just wondering.



Finished the shopping today.

Thank frik

Over it totally.

Now i just have to do the xmas rap  (imagine me in baggy pants, bling and my cap turned back to front - lol)

Will leave you with some eye candy


 
 






Oh yeah - that is nice and firm isnt it....

Thursday, 11 December 2008

One foot after the other....




Like the name of my blog.

I have become quite cynical lately. Life has been handing me lemons and i need to start making lemonade. And FAST.

I am sick of myself.

Trying to work through the problem which appears to be multifaceted.

Trying to get to the bottom of it. Again. Which i have been back to several times and it just seems too hard and next thing i know am on the phone to the denial hotline. This time it is harder again - as brushed away issues tend to become.

A while back i predicted that if i didnt learn the lessons pluto was trying to show me then i would get them over and over again until i did get it and it would come from people who i care about a lot. They would hurt me more then strangers or aquaintances ever could. I am there now. My real friends are delivering hard messages to me. And sometimes it can be quite painful.

I understand that it has been my 'apathy' or 'sliding along in my comfort zone' that has created this.

I find myself hanging over a precipice now. I WILL NOT FALL.  I know this. There is too much to lose. I do not want to start again.

I need a starting point to begin the search. I need somewhere in which to hammer my anchor.



On another note. Big girl got her School Certificate today. She did extremely well and we are very very proud of her. So she is finally free to spend her days making sure the lounge doesnt float away..... its a hard job but someone has to do it.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Know how to tell which of your new friends, old friends, and former friends actually understand you?


Easy, the ones who still love you.


I still love you,
The Universe




I have subscribed to Tut - notes from the Universe. They are very good and i particularly like the one that just arrived (above). 'Friends' seem to be a topic for consideration lately. Interesting.

I had a dream last night.

I was with a friend and we were travelling up a winding river which was beautiful and surrounded by lush forest. It opened into a vast lake and i was swimming with my friend when we noticed a jet above was 'stalking' us - this felt uncomfortable and i was keeping an eye on it. Next thing i looked up and the jet was plummeting towards us - in a nosedive straight down. I immediately started swimming to avoid being hit when i realised that i wasnt swimming anymore i was in the air and flying. The jet plummeted to earth, embedding itself its full length in the earth. I commented that it was odd there was no fire. I later returned to the scene to find the wooded area to search for the jet and to see if its occupants were ok. thats it - i woke up.

Interesting.

Very empowering really.

what do you think??



Sunday, 7 December 2008

sunday

I myself am made entirely of flaws - all stitched together with good intentions...... (ha ha - can just see some people i know doing a yippee and a toyota leap upon reading what i have written there)


This time of year certainly brings out the worst in some people.

Went and virtually finished my shopping yesterday - visited Renata at Hades - it was quite busy yesterday compared to last week. Not even contemplating visiting kotara fair - hmmmm - will finish at jesmond methinks and be done with it.

have managed all the shopping so far without having to come home and sit in a corner and rock. this is good. and being almost finished is a good feeling. frikken bah humbug. over it really.

and to top it off, we must be inundated with relatives. goody.


going to do more washing and contemplation... bye

Friday, 5 December 2008

Blessed are the cracked... because they are the ones that let in the light.

Ha - cool


Had a really really noice day at SoulCollage today with just Faerie and me. Good job i didnt have to work today. yippeee. We had lots of deep and meaningfuls and made a card - yep only one. but planned several more and brainstormed some ideas for cards that will be just AWESOME. Just wait for that one - anyhoo, here is the card i made today

Been a big week. Working every day (except today obviously and next thursday) til SPF.
Wanted to have a new rant about another 'spiritual truth' that i have stopped believing. This is the one about Judgement.

I have decided that a certain amount of judgement is necessary for our own survival.

We need to be able to 'judge' those of whom we need to associate with. Those that a 'relationship entity' will be beneficial and those that will 'destroy' us.

What good is it for us to find us in the company of someone who 'repels' us and to swallow that and embrace them as 'brother or sister' and 'a spiritual being' or 'fellow traveller' - when their energy is in no way in accordance with ours and all they do is make us miserable.

the judgement is necessary for us to be able to determine those of whom we can assist, those of whom can assist us, those of whom we can teach, those from whom we can learn from, those of  whom we can have fun with... etc.

those others - whose energy feels or seems discordant with ours - those who dont make us feel good - for whatever reason - are not meant to be part of our journey at this time. We need to pay attention to these feelings and act on them. Not be GUILTY  for having them.

It is another in a line of things to give us guilt - when in reality - we are staying safe by acting in accordance to these feelings.

I dont condone people being downright mean. This is not good either. Just notice, and quietly move on.

And dont let anyone make you feel guilty for judgement.

It is normal.

It is just another of the tools we have to determine our right path.

My thoughts anyway.

Thats it

rant over


my new mood ring is still purple. thats good because i wanted a purple one!!!

mwa

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

ahhhh ......

My mother always said, 'if you cant think of something nice to say, then dont say anything at all'.

so i wont.....

Sunday, 30 November 2008

meme from Jac..... Just so you didnt get No 4 wrong Jac....

1. Five names you go by:
  • Jen
  • Jenni
  • Mum
  • Hey you
  • Bitch

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
  • Purple Tshirt
  • Black shorts
  • A grimace
3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:
  • Peace and harmony
  • Canon EOS 1000D with a twin lens kit - digital SLR

4. Three people who will probably fill this out:
  • Me
  • Jac - ok... cheating...
  • Nat??

5. Two things you did last night:
  • Supervised a 4 teenage sleepover party - with one boy
  • Read my book

6. Two things you ate today:
  • Chicken snitztel lavash
  • A handful of pecan nuts

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone:
  • Greg
  • Airlie

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
  • Work
  • Wash

9. Two longest car rides:
  • Here to Brisvegas
  • Here to Melbourne

10. Two of your favorite beverages:
  • Coffee
  • Bourbon and dry
  • water - ok ok thats three - get over it

11. Two sports you watch on TV:
  • Soccer (Go the Jets)
  • Thats it
12. Three people you have on speed dial:
  • Mum
  • Brad
  • Kaz
13. Five items in your wardrobe that you never wear:
  • A denim jacket from the 80's signed by John Williamson
  • Nothing else - I had a clean out and threw all that stuff out not long ago
14. Three last books you read:
  • Goddess (Book 3 of the Percheron series)
  • Betrayal (Book 1 of the Trinity series)
  • Revenge (Book 2 of Trinity - all by Fiona McIntosh)
15: Three weird OCD tendencies you have:
  • Washing my hands after touching an animal
  • Sniffing the milk every time i use it
  • I cant think of another one right now... I am sure there is more though.....
16. Five presents you got from Santa as a kid:
  • A boogie board ( a white foam one)
  • A walking doll
  • Books, books and more books
  • Thats all i remember - it was a long time ago...
17. Three of your most visited bookmarks:
  • Blogs
  • The bank
  • blogs....
18. Two items on your wishlist for this christmas:
  • A new mobile phone
  • The new Spyro game on PS2
19. Five things you can see right now:
  • The monitor
  • My dinner
  • My camera
  • An angel, buddah, large chunk of rose quartz, yin yang, celtic knot, jewelled cross (all stuck to my keyboard and monitor base - and i am counting them as one... deal with it - its my blog)
  • My affirmation board re becoming a rich and famous photographer....
20. Five things on your fridge:
  • A dance concert program
  • An Eagle Boys Pizza voucher
  • Lots of magnets
  • The timetable for the rest of the year for Year 10's
  • Indoor soccer game draw
21. Two items/objects you own more than 10 of:
  • Crystals
  • Buddahs

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Found this.....

The mind judges
The heart accepts
The mind wants to control everything
The heart allows things to be as they are
The mind resists
The heart flows
The mind thrives in conflict
The heart thrives on love
The mind has fear
The heart has love
The mind leads to suffering
The heart leads to joy
The mind has limits
The heart is unlimited
The mind wants to change everything
The heart is fine with everything


This is very beautiful - but I am not sure how attainable to the actual HUMAN person. I think that if we could live this (in truth, and fully consciously) then our mission would be complete and the journey over.

I wonder if this kind of writing is an example of what keeps people in 'guilt' and so controlled - because anyone living a 'real' life with partners, and children, and work, and family, and shopping centres, and study, etc find themselves bombarded continually by tests and challenges which attack our best intentions and if and when we 'fail' to live the perfect response - we feel like we have failed....... and so may suffer guilt. If we were totally alone, or we could choose when to socialise with others, if we didnt need to shop or work or parent or partner or play etc, then it would be oh so easy. Those people who can live 'in a cave' are few and far between.

Am seeing so much in a different light lately - and some spiritual 'teachings' or 'concepts' (just labels) are keeping people in chains, just as much as the organised religions can.

While ever we look outside ourselves..... while ever we go outside our own heart and mind..... while ever......... hmmm

maybe it is just me. maybe i see this kind of thing and sit and read and try to absorb and 'measure' myself up - to understand.... and then i realise that i dont think i will ever live up to this. that i will get frustrated and annoyed. i will feel fear and i will judge. I will suffer and i will try to control something that i shouldnt. But you know what - thats ok. because I AM HUMAN. I am sick of feeling GUILT because i dont measure up. I see it in others too.

DONT BELIEVE THE BLURB. Seek within. This is the only thing i am listening to from now on. Well, i will try (and if i 'fail' - so be it).

I feel the 'disapproval' of others (and i dont mean anyone who would be reading this, its mostly relatives), or if they really, really piss me off - and if they are my 'mirrors' then it must be something in me that pisses me off or is 'disapproving'. What a load of crap. I am not taking this on ANY MORE. Their 'disapproval' is their own shit - get over it. And if they continue to 'piss me off' then they can piss off.

Hmmm - ranting yes.

Maybe i am more sensitive than some. Maybe i have lower self esteem than some. Maybe things mean something different to you then it does to me. Well - tough. Because this is me and this is who i am and there is nothing wrong with me. I have to (just like you and everyone else) learn how to operate THIS mind and THIS heart and THIS body - which is totally different to yours or anyone elses. Things that matter to me - may not matter to you. You may not understand this but - not my problem. What matters is that I can look within and learn, i need to learn how to live in a society of flawed humans who are all searching for their own truths - which have nothing to do with me. If i can help someone - then i will do so gleefully. If i need help i will ask for it.



I will stop now

xoxo

Friday, 28 November 2008

Phew

Well, the week now is FINALLY over - the CAPA Caberet was on tonight. So the last of the 'dancing duties' for the week. Now we can get to the business of letting the stitches knit and heal. We dont get them out til wednesday.

YAY

She did it....

Finally.............

Concert over


She did it!!!

Incredible. She was a little wobbly a couple of times but those that knew what she was dancing through were gobsmacked at her courage and staying power. All on two panadols.

Only in one of the nine dances she did, did i see a grimace on her face - and it was the second last one.

I am a proud mother today.

And - she got two trophies for achievement - one for the Senior Classical class and one for the Intermediate Jazz.

Very proud.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

today i lost control.....


ha ha ha

hee hee hee

sorry - hysterical now, obviously. and ready to laugh at anything.


took sicky boy to the doc's tonight - just a virus - of course. wait it out with a bottle of panadol.


desperately wanted to come to WSG - am having a really crap week

best thing - tomorrow it will be half over

Dragging myself through...

Ahhhhh

what a week it has been

now got a sick boy - some virus thing
hallucinating etc. not fun


k walking on her stitches. pirouetting on the outside edge of her foot. will be there on thursday night without a doubt.  she is incredible and brave and strong. and determined. all the things that make her impossible to parent without a struggle. one day she will be something or someone important for sure.

thanks heaps for all of the healing - it has obviously worked. you are amazing.



have been booked to work the last three weeks of term - this starts next week. yay money wise - boo social wise. I have hardly done any spf shoppping and have no idea of what to buy anyway. scary stuff.

feeling a tad overwhelmed at the moment

just a little bit toooo much to have to deal with.

going now

Sunday, 23 November 2008

sunday

Ok - here we are

sunday

one more day has passed

i am in awe of this child of the most incredible spirit and determination.

in the last 24 hours she has taught herself to do pirouettes on the outside edge of her feet instead of the inside edge and can dance the hardest steps - and it looks passably ok. not brilliant - but good enough. and there is five days to go.

it will be fine.

she is determination personified. she will prevail - and five stitches will not stop her.

took the dressing off tonight and had a look

all nice and clean - no redness. still a bit weepy but it has only been 24 hours... (is that ok nurses??)

am very very tired

need to slee...... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Saturday, 22 November 2008

not good



been to the doctor today... got stitches too

fark

she split the underside of her right big toe - the whole length.

fark

doctor says she will be able to dance - that the stitches wont pop open (she tested it under the local anesthetic) - it is jut the pain factor ............

but

still no all day rehearsal tomorrow and possibly no performance on friday night, depending on how sore it is after she does whatever she can on thursday night (the important one). she has the main part in 4 of the 8 dances she is in - pirouettes etc... it is incredibly beautiful and a huge amount of hard work for the last twelve months leading up to this. not to mention the money factor (not only tickets). fark

definately no semi for touch footy on wed night.


what a week for this to happen

thank you so much for the healing... keep it coming




hugs
xoxo

Friday, 21 November 2008

Oh dear

K has three performances and a semi and (probably) grand final on over the next five days and has just split her big toe open. Trying not to hyperventilate ..... kind of unsuccessfully at times.

we have 120 bucks in tickets and twelve months worth of rehearsals riding on this week..... aaahh shit


will wait til the morning to make another assessment.



breathe

in out in out


thank the goddess for Emergency Essence (the australian variety)


please send healing

thank you
xoxo

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Domestic Goddess

I am not!!!!!!

Sometimes i wish i was... just a little bit....

House looks like a bomb has dropped ..... oh dear

I soooo should not be sitting here. I should be doing SOMETHING.... anything...


Hmmmmm

Not much to say today - just checking in.


Monkey mind update
Have devised a visualisation for myself that seems to be helping so far with out of control brain. Although I havent had a very challenging test for it - so will see....


Working up the courage to go and visit the Super Salesman. I think the personal approach is better. Scary though. Must go today too. Should get going and get it over with, before i get too worked up. Oh dear. Confrontation scares me - I will be doing everything I can to avoid it turning into a fight. Will just walk away if necessary.


best go - have to pick up boy child from a birthday party.

toodles
xoxo

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Hmmmm

Hi there my friends....


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER CHERYL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a great afternoon tea and your offspring, who talk and act like no offspring I know, are incredible hostesses. Well done girls. The food was amazing and I am sure I put on at least 3 Kilograms (and enjoyed every moment of it).


I have just had a very hard phone call with my mum. To cut a long story short, my brother, the super salesman, is a dick and yeah. Family shit. hmmmm. Its mum that suffers. She said some stuff to me tonight that goes against what i have believed she thought about me for many years. I believe she was truthful though and that makes me question lots of things. . . . Hmmm . It will take me a while to process this information and work out how it integrate it. Very interesting. Very confronting too - in a positive way. Hmmmm

So much of who I am has been dredged up for observation during the past couple of weeks. Obviously some thing is going on. Some 'truths' i have long held - i no longer believe. Other stuff has become totally plausible, which i never thought possible before. Stuff I jneed to deal with, that I feel is positive, may be negative and vice versa.

Something is going on.

I will just keep on dealing with what is placed in my path.

I cant do any more then that.

My brothers shit is his own. He can keep it. He is hurting our mother though. She doesn't deserve that, regardless of what 'mistakes' she made bringing us up. She gave us life. She deserves to be revered for that. Love you mum.

interesting. random 'j's' keep popping up in my text that i have needed to delete. Hmmmmm..... Hi dad.

going now.
still pondering on how to approach to super salesman to try and assuage some of mums agony.

luv you
xoxo

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Position Vacant

I am in need of a 'Personal Trainer'.

This trainer will need to be able to teach me how to slow down my brain and keep it connected to my heart. My 'monkey mind' gets me into all sorts of trouble. Yet it saves me countless times too. I need to slow it down selectively. Is that possible. I dont know. It sometimes connects me to a negative outcome and its not until i engage my heart that i manage to calm down.

Let me give you an example. Most people, when asked the question - What is 2 plus 2? will answer 4. I get 1 + 1 + 1 + 1, the square root of 16, 12 - 8, sixteen quarters, seasons, elements, square, 22/4, Cancer... do i need to go on. I cant help this. I dont always want to know every possible answer, and its consequences, to a question. yet i do - and all in less then a millisecond.

Right now it is undoing me. I think it is what Lisa talked about on her blog and the SIMPLIFYING of things. Thats what I really really need to do - is learn how to simplify things.

Does anyone want to take me on. I can be extremely frustrating though ........


previously burned out applicants are welcome to apply....

What is going on...

Can anyone else feel it or is it just me.... is it another one of my delusions or maybe a 'seniors moment'.  Something is very very different. I dont know what it is.

Life ok here

going to mums for lunch - schmick

It was the 23rd anniversary of my fathers passing earlier this week. Wow. 23 years. I do miss him. I wish he met my kids. I wish I could have known him as an 'adult'. I was only 20 when her passed and was only just starting to get myself 'together'. I wish he was here to give my brother a good foot up the arse. I feel him around a lot but it is not the same...... love you dad xoxo

Well - off to shower the body beautiful......

mwa
Jen
xoxo

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Thursday

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I have had one of those kind of good days - with not much to worry about - except a very very large furry spider in my car. shudder. 

Am feeling like i am dragging myself out of the quagmire slowly, and making some progress.


am thinking that I probably didnt quite FAIL my test today... maybe not a HIGH distinction..... hmmmm, do have to repeat??? lol - i am sure it was fine.

I am concerned for what will be happening in my group. The change will make some very big differences  i think.... shame really. But what needs to be done will be done. I guess i got a warning last week when I got the Death card in the space of 'study'. I didnt realise that the change would come so quick and i thought it was regarding another line of study that i was comtemplating doing. Hmmmm - isnt tarot amazing. Once you take the time to learn and absorb it.....  Love it


oh well

better hit the sack

work tomorrow.....


hugs
jen
xoxo

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Wow

To be here on earth at this time feels truly amazing...


This is a time in history that we will be telling our grandchildren about, great grand children even


Barack in the white house - how cool. Lets hope he isnt a closet dickhead - I dont think so, at least I hope not


Most good day for me too

Had an excellent day at work - picked up my $12 winnings from yesterdays sweep winnings.

Brilliant stuff


Had a very funny day as the two bosses are away, and, when the cat's away, the mice will play. Most definately. Very funny. Very cool. First day I have enjoyed there.


Kid K has Scoliosis. Had appointment yesteday. Mild though - given her some stretching exercises to do. She needs to keep her back strong - which it is anyway - her ballet teacher says hers is the strongest back at the studio - so we are on the right track there. It makes you wonder if things would be a different story if she hadnt been so active and strong all these years. Hmmmm


SHIT - I have TWO seeds to do before tomorrow morning. Better get cracking!!!

Cya
xoxo

Monday, 3 November 2008

Hmmm

So it goes on......


I cant think of anything to say right now. Just hoping for the best I guess.

:) ..... .. . . . .

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Phew

I have just looked back at my posts over the past few weeks...

I have certainly been on a journey and a half

it continues... and as I read what I had written, and also remembered what I had not  written...... I know that i have made it a long way forward from where i was.

Although, in some ways it feels like I am behind..... I can feel the growth that has been made within myself.


Its funny how sometimes finding the answers to some questions, creates more questions.

Pandoras box contains another box... then another ... than another. like russian dolls.


Thanks for putting up with me :)

I am so lucky

At least I know that amongst sisters and friends who are on journeys of their own, a person who is struggling with an issue will be allowed to find their way without judgement being made. We realise that sometimes something can be overwhelming and know that people make mistakes. I know I have made mistakes, and been overwhelmed, and not had the right words to explain the overwhelming feelings. This is part of my growth and I have done the best I could do with what I had at the time. Sometimes I have just been plain scared...... but thats another story.

Oh well

Its another week upon us

I am working every day except Thursday and am looking forward to going to group.


Hope you are all ok

Luv me
xoxo

Friday, 31 October 2008

F*%k its hot

yep



its hot


I am a lot calmer now re K's back. Thanks for all your stories and feedback - will wait patiently till we see the doc on tuesday arvo.

thanks again


I dont know which background I like best.... this one or the floral one.


Happy Beltaine everyone

xoxo

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Damn

Got word from the doctors surgery a little while ago that K needs to come in next week for a follow up visit.

Yesterday she had an xray of her lumbar and sacral region for a sore back she has been having.

Apparently she has a 'twist in her spine'. The doctor was so busy that i couldnt speak to him to find out what this means in real terms.

I have to wait til next tuesday arvo.

damn

not worrying will be hard

for me especiallly


frik - this kid is incredibly physical. it WILL be ok - i know it.

i searched it up on the net and came up with something called Scoliosis. I looked at her xray myself and noticed there is a slight bend..... very slight though. not like what i saw on the net.


and i thought i had enough to contend with already....

damn


anyone know anything about this????

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'

Monday, 27 October 2008

Monday....

It was a good day today.

I only managed to offend one person. :) No seriously, i had a good day with myself today. Luxury. Its been weeks since i have been alone for so many hours in a row.

Signing off

xoxo

wierd

I had wierd stuff going on this morning.

when i woke up - my consciousness was dragged back to a trance like state - where i was told a Goddess was 're-emerging'. Very powerful stuff. it was like some ancient Goddess, who will be helping with something to do with the ascension process.

specifically 'communication', was what i got, which is why it was pertinent to me.

once i was 'let go', i tried to return but could not. i wanted to find out more.

i will leave this with you - anyone got any ideas.

interesting.....

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Moving onwards and upwards.....

tomorrow is another day

i am a spiritual being having a human experience - i am here to learn and learning i am

i dont have full understanding - but stuff is making more sense today then it did even yesterday.


tis good

thanks for your support, i love you



in other news.....

yesterday i cleaned like a madwoman

this house was incredibly messy - there was shit on every surface, i kid you not.

everyone pitched in too and now we are sparkly and tidy.... well - it has been another 24 hours so the shine has come off somewhat.

that was the legacy of working every day last week unexpectedly, after our awesome retreat. Part of me wishes i was still there. Sometimes over the last few days - in awful moments - i would close my eyes and imagine i was still at stroud. recreate a room in my mind and spend a few minutes believing i was back there. ahhhh peace.

i also gave my homework a fair crack. i have done enough to keep me out of trouble - not as much as i would like though - i will do more. I want to do more. and i will.... true

i have also almost finished my tarot homework. i am halfway through 7 of 8. all good.

tomorrow (dont tell any local principals) i have all day to myself. aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh..... love it

i will finish that tarot stuff, then maybe get a bit more beltane done.

anyhoo

i am going to go and read my book for a little while before i go to bed

i will have a good night sleep too

i will

yes

nighty night
xoxo

Saturday, 25 October 2008

saturday

trying to keep busy here doing copious amounts of house work before i have to do copious amounts of homework.

due to stroud i havent even started my beltane project or the tarot one  :(


needing to keep moving forward


my mind betrays me


and yes michelle - i knew that and that is precisely the problem


so off i go

back to avoidance


xoxo

Monday, 20 October 2008

more

i want to go back to stroud


it was incredibly relaxing. no pressure. no one to worry about but myself. luxury



i loved every bit of it


  • the goddess necklet.
  • the painting.
  • the SoulCollage
  • the food.
  • omg the food.
  • the silly dancing competition, go shann
  • the group stories, hilarous
  • Cindy came all the way from Cowra
  • love you Cindy
  • the food,
  • the ritual, awesome
  • my room
  • the chapel
  • the hallways
  • the wallaby
  • the altar
  • both of them
  • sticky date or fig or whatever it was - frikkin yum
  • flowers
  • haunted rooms
  • friends
  • sisters (and brother!!!)
  • laughing... oh so much laughing
  • pure joy
  • solitary meditation in the chapel
  • calcite - good choice Diana
  • prayer flags
  • photos
  • strengths
  • food
  • Leanne - how good was it to see her again
  • Mary and Cheryl arriving
  • peace
  • tranquility
  • cows
  • even funny sounding ones
  • no television
  • no radio
  • no mobile phone coverage
  • that incredible kitchen
  • avalon fruit... yum!!!
  • and more

i could go on... forever

i soooo love that place - I am soooo glad that i took my camera with me. last time i went up there i didnt have a camera with me. so i forgot some of the details of how wonderful it is. i have pictures now so i will remember it forever. sorry, am ranting.


check out the rainbow orb in this picture i took of the mother and child statue.
how cool

We're baaaack

Wow

Stroud Monastery was, on the most part, truly amazing.

There is lots i want to tell you about the weekend. It was all it was cracked up to be and more. I will do it tonight. Promise. I have photos too. Some have been posted on the Stroud Website. Here is one we did for fun...
Hee hee - what a beautiful picture on that wall
The place is incrediblly beautiful - i just love being there.
Learning, laughing, painting, glueing, meditating, eating, talking, i could go on and on.
I came home, desperately looking forward to today. A day off with no monastery retreat to think about and wonder if we forgot anything, no husband home on a weeks holidays, no kids, just me and my home and my thoughts. Then the phone call comes. Working all week (except thursday) because the office manager's father passed over and she wont be in. Damn it. Oh well. I told them ages back that i am unavailable on Thursdays. I am really glad i did now.

So - off to the shower am i.

a week of mrs office lady am i. in my least favourite school. looking forward to pay day.

hugs
xoxo

Monday, 13 October 2008

I'm back!!

Had a lovely time at the Bay. Really did.

Boy perked up heaps on friday arvo and his father ended up bringing him up on friday night - we just gave him the ensuite as his own and disinfected everything he touched. Remains to be seen whether he passed it on or not - hope not.

We rented a holiday house - and although it was 'not as described' - we had a great time. Good friends, lots of laughs, lots of walking, beach, sun, shopping, eating. All good. All the kids were fantastic - got along well and had a good time too. Excellent.

I hoped to catch up with Chelle while i was up there - but there just wasnt time.


I took some time to catch up with all the blogs and emails this afternoon. Renata's witches kitchen sounded hepas fun - how did Arek cope with his sister wives?? Happy birthday old girl!! will see you soon.

And the handfasting... geeze i wish i could have been there. I was thinking about Kay and Bill, and all of my sisters all afternoon yesterday. the photos look beautiful and am so glad that it turned out so well. Hugs and blessings to both Kay and Bill.

Faerie is coming back to YAAD. I am very glad for you Faerie. I know you have missed it and from past experience, it shouldnt be long before there is a perpetual 'Faerie Award' up there alongside the 'Diana Award'. Blessings to you Faerie.

Oh well - best get into the washing and putting away.

Looking forward to full moon this week and most of all our Stroud Retreat!!!! YAY. am very excited.
this should be an EXCELLENT weekend. cant wait.

xoxo 

Friday, 10 October 2008

Noice timing son...

pft

well today is the day we head off to the bay for 4 days of relaxing and good times with friends.

i wake at 3am this morning to the sound of vomit hitting porcelain. noice.

So - with getting up with the little fella every half an hour from then til 7.30..... can hardly keep my eyes open.


poor little bugger. he is shattered. as are we all. i think i will send the girls with their father and stay home with him tonight and hopefully go up with him tomorrow morning.

oh well - nothing happens without a reason - who knows.

now - to keep up the fluids.......

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Help needed

I am trying to recreate my business card and seem to have lost the damn font that i used for the text and cant even remember what it is called.... silly me. I was wondering if anyone could identify it for me?? Here it is.... (not the big J's, they are hand written)

Monday, 29 September 2008

connie confused

Well - here I go again.

Connie Confused.

Thats me.

I have resisted blogging about this for a while now - thinking that I am a truly defective human bean. Which i probably am, but...still...

I just read the new Energy Alert from Karen Bishop - here it is if you havent read it and would like to LINK

Hmmmmm

It seems that what we need to deal with now is being MAGNIFIED. for us to deal with. My that explains a lot.

I have been having strange feelings and sensations and thoughts - around others and this has to do with integrity and honesty and respect - mostly.

It also has to do with self esteem, self worth, self value.

It is all that and more - the unexplainable - all rolled into one very confusing big bundle of tangled strings that is incredibly hard to decipher, let alone untangle, let alone explain.

and it is happening more and more often - with more and more intensity

I am confused.

I am hurt.

I am trying to understand.

I am kinda getting it, but just when it seems that my monkey mind has grasped what is required of me, it seems like it is ripped away again.

frustrating

Sorry

am rambling

am down, sad, sigh

I really need to figure this out - and fast. Before I unintentionally offend ABSOLUTELY everybody in my life. I am becoming paranoid. And considering locking myself inside my house til i figure this out.

Sorry again.

Dont worry about trying to decipher this.

Just pat me on the head and say 'there there'. that will do.

might go and do my cards

where is Freya when you  need her

sigh

bye

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Breathing again...

Am ok

breathing again

oh wow i had an incredibly awful rush of anger last night. you might have noticed.

and no lisa, the epiphany is still in progress - settled down a little, but still happening.

it was just everyone else that was pissing me off.

a certain sibling, shall we call the super salesman, chose this week to display some of his less savoury attributes. sneaky, childish dickhead.

then dickhead arseholes that have been stuffing around with my daughters head for eighteen months come in and go for another round - in the process making me want to go and smother them with a pillow (again) but I wont. because i know that it is not spiritual. is it. f&^%wit. and if i smothered it, I would go to jail. where is the justice in that.

i worked myself up into such a rage, i actually tipped the bottle of emergency essence into my throat and swallowed about a quarter of a bottle. i was in a state.

after that i just lay down and went to sleep. gotta love EE.

I woke up fine

dunno if it has to do with the lack of nicotine rampaging through my body.

its been more then a week now - still going strong.

I had lunch with my two oldest friends on monday - i was a bit worried about it - but they sat there puffing away and i didnt even feel a twinge of wanting one. yuck. stinks.

so the anti smoking campaign is going well. most excellent in fact.

now i must go and do my seed for the morning.

luv ya
xoxo

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I. really. have. the. shits.

am trying really hard to chill out but finding it almost impossible.

EVERYBODY is pissing me off

(not you guys - I really REALLY like you all)

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

that is all

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Times, they are a'changin'......

So much going on. So many changes.

Life has had me in a whirlwind lately and I dont actually know which way is up yet.

So.... in keeping with current trends, I decided to give the blog an overhaul too. A big change of colours too - not like me at all.

Discovered a blog following gadget thingy while at the dashboard this morning, actually i noticed it when i saw that my blog had a follower!! what the?? must investigate thinks me. Well, i have added lots of blogs and the thingy that goes in the side bar too - very schmick. Thanks Steph for putting me onto this - HOWEVER - I cant add your blog Steph. It says something about no feeder for your blog or something. I dont understand - maybe you could check your blog settings or something to see if you have disallowed feeds....?? Just a thought - dont mean to be bossy.

Lots of personal changes too -

one major one - I no longer smoke. I took those Champix tablets. They work really well. I havent had a fag for 5 days and it is really 8 days since i had more then a couple of puffs. Disgusting things those ciggers. I have found it very easy - and except for the awful nausea sometimes after i take them - especially if i havent had something substantial to eat immediately before swallowing the tablet.

things have settled down at home enormously too - husband seems to have gone through an epiphany or something. very strange. still processing this one. suffice to say that things are relatively peaceful around here.


I have been having some very strange and vivid dreams lately as Thursdays girls will attest - there has been more. May have something to do with the champix - i dont know. Whatever triggered them - i have been getting some incredible messages and often get up with my head reeling from all the information i have to try and process.

I havent blogged for a while eh. I have actually opened the 'create post' page several times. I just cant think of anything to say - well, sometimes i have too much to say and dont know how to say it. Maybe i wore myself out with the 43 things thing. Even though I dont often post - I read every day and lots has been going on with everyone I notice. It certainly has been a tough couple of weeks for lots of people - it is good to know that we are not alone i guess.

So... big hugs to everyone.

Must go and actually DO something instead of sitting here on this computer.

blessings
Jen
xoxo
lol

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Saturday

Saturday night

Just me sitting here clicking keys

boring


Had a picnic today at Bluegum Hills park, where Deb was trying to organise us to go to. Egans soccer team picnic day. Its nice out there - kids loved it too.

Hmmm - I just caught the cat humping egans teddy - gross. He was desexed when he was 6 months old (he is three and a half now) - what is the humping story. He humps my dressing gown too if i leave it on the bed. Sad strange little man. Thought desexing was supposed to curb those urges.

just checking in

going to read my book now

luv me
xoxo

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

43 today....

Happy birthday to me.... pip pip

ahem

had a nice morning, I got a nice big brass ohm, a little jingly bag, some soap and beautiful incense - my new favourite!! I have also had lots of text messages and emails. Spoiled am I.

seeing this is all about me, I will try and do 43 things about me that you may not have already known...

  1. I am the eldest child of my fathers second marriage - I have one younger brother and two older half brothers.
  2. My father died 23 years ago and I have missed him ever since.
  3. I am already struggling to do this list.
  4. I dont like talking about myself.
  5. I like my coffee really really weak.
  6. My cat bit me on the chin last night - ouch.
  7. I have a rare blood disorder which is in remission. It is called Megacaryocyte Meglamatosis. (or something like that anyway)
  8. I love playing Word Twist and Text Twirl on Facebook. Addictive. Yes.
  9. Today I am entering a Personal Year 9, which is the last of the cycle.
  10. I desperately want to find a way to work from home.
  11. I have one tattoo and really want to get another. I want an anklet. I dont know what though. Maybe some text - a meaningful sentence possibly. In script that is joined. Hmmmm good idea that. Will ponder more.
  12. I am completely and utterly disorganised in my personal life. This causes no end of stress within myself and my family. I want to do something about it but I dont know where to begin. So, typically, I do nothing. I just live in my head. This isnt good and is holding me back. I need a personal organiser - anyone want to volunteer???
  13. I was once a wedding photographer and hated it.
  14. I also once worked in a factory.
  15. I used to own a little blue cattle dog called Jess. She died of complications arising from a Caesarian Section to deliver puppies that were too big for her to deliver. It was an infection that suddenly flared up just after the puppies were weaned. I loved that little dog.
  16. I once met the Queen and Prince Phillip.
  17. I used to be able to beat almost anyone at Pool. Except for my friend Kaz. Together we were a formidable team and used to beat lots of guys at lots of different pubs. They hated that. Hee hee.
  18. My eldest daughter was born the exact same weight as I was when I was born. I was also the same age, to the day, when I had her that my mother was when she had me. Freaky. 
  19. When I was about 7, I was in the elevator at the Town Hall with my family and the newly crowned Mattara Princess. She took off her tiara and let me wear it for a minute.
  20. I am up to 20 and it is going ok. I usually have lots of trouble with these things.
  21. Now i have jinxed myslef and my mind has gone blank.
  22. I never had a nickname when I was growing up and really wanted one.
  23. My favourite colour is purple and my lounge room feature walls are a colour called Purple Haven. It is quite deep and i love it a lot.
  24. I havent cooked a whole chicken since 1986 when i managed to get it out of the bag onto the sink before i threw up. I had to get my mum to come and put it in the oven for me. I couldnt eat it once it was cooked. I kept remembering the corpse on the sink. Brad was happy - he had a whole chook to himself.
  25. I had two dreams in a row last night about someone breaking into my house. I belted them over the head both times - the first with a baseball bat and the second with a side table. What is that all about. Message to everyone - dont break into my house in the middle of the night or you might not get back up.
  26. I LOVE the smell of mangoes, divine,  but i dont really enjoy the taste. Weird.
  27. I need to buy some more of my new incense - it is truly amazing. It is Moondance brand - Tibetan Spice flavour. Yummo. Must find out where he got that from.
  28. I have an obsession with stationary. I manage to resist most times but often spend time loitering around the racks wishing.
  29. My younger brother is going to Danny Buderus's lunch today instead of coming to lunch with me. Noice. He could have brought Danny with him to Maryland Tavern!! 
  30. I am NOT a morning person and have to get up 45 minutes before i have to on days that i work so i can wake up and get moving. Sad.
  31. I stay up too late at night which adds to my morning dilemma. I just love the quiet house at night, with just the clicking of the keyboard keys to keep me company.
  32. Woo hoo - 32.
  33. Everytime i type a post, as i am doing now, i notice the 'Labels for this post:" button below and think of people falling off scooters while on holidays.
  34. Ten to go.
  35. I would love to go back to school as i love to learn.
  36. I have the Goddess Dana as one of my guides - she is an Irish Goddess and she according to Doreen Virtue she helps with abundance, divine magick, healing, children and mothering, the elemental kingdom and self esteem issues. She has a great sense of humour and teases me sometimes.
  37. I am eagerly anticipating learning about Tarot.
  38. I need to trust myself more.
  39. Starting to struggle now. Only six to go.
  40. I had the most awesome 40th birthday party. It was the best party i have ever been to. Certainly the best i have ever had. Good memories that make me smile when i think of them. Friends, laughter, good food, only slightly too much alcohol. Excellent.
  41. My whole family rips me off about my daggy glasses. Especially my brothers wife. She thinks i am a massive dag. Tough. I would love to be brave enough to wear those really trendy ones but i dont think they would suit me. I am a bit too boho for that
  42. I havent had my hair cut for 12 months. It shows. Slackarse me. Remember what i said about personal disorganisation. There is just never time.
  43. If i dont surround myself with people of like mind and deliberately work hard to grow spiritually, then i quickly slip back into being human again. I dont even realise it at the time either. One day i just wake up and think..... "oh - back to square one, very sad". It is at this point that I find myself a group to attend. That is how i found the cottage. Thanks Michelle. And thank you to everyone who has touched my life. That is everyone. I cant imagine my life without you all and am filled with gratitude to have such amazing sisters and friends. Truly blessed am I.
I MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice day everyone !!

Mwa

Monday, 25 August 2008

Happy Blogoversary to me

Today is my Blogoversary. Thanks Teena for the well wishes.

Life has been fairly ordinary lateley. No great news to speak of.

I am enjoying Level 2 YAAD a lot and am beside myself with excitement looking forward to this thursdays group. Very schmick.


Have been working heaps and luckily (or not, depending on how you look at it) it has settled down a bit now. Thank the Goddess that I am only working tomorrow this week. Am feeling pretty crap with some kind of 'dogs disease'. Scoffing honey and cinnamon in copious quantities. Should be fine soon. Denfinately.

Have been processing a lot of stuff lately. Lots to do with my place in the world. who, how, what why is important. what needs dumping. who should stay and who should go (someone sings that, I dont know who) - whats it all about. how can i make a difference. what is meaningful to me. who is leading me forward and who is dragging me back.

I dont have all the answers yet -

still searching.

just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best that I can.

see you soon - hopefully

Friday, 8 August 2008

grrrrr

thats all i have to say right now....



grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr




ok - sorry - will think of something else. will not burden you with the details.


good news. have signed off on the last book i assisted in pubishing. the final proof was in my hands and although i didnt read it, i flicked through it and the problems i found in the first proof were correctd and all seemed fine. yay. very very good news.

that will be two 'signed by the author' published books that i have in my bookcase. well, actually three, but the first one doesnt really count.



am having a garage sale. two teenage girls. aged 13 and two days off 16. all offers considered.


please take them off my hands and save the life of a child.grrrr


me
xoxo

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Exile survived...

We had a  wonderful 'reunion' today.

Lots of deep and meaningful conversation.

Lots to learn - seeds to plant and watch grow and an amazing new folder decorated by Deb to be envious of. You KNOW we are all copying that, dont you Deb???

It has been a rollercoaster couple of weeks. Mostly dominated by the Sweet 16th of eldest daughter next monday. (did i say SWEET???)

I have been shopping until i have been dropping. This has been quite fun actually - with a serious change in attitude after i read the riot act before we left. Much more respectful - this is good. I now only have to sew up the sleep suit that she has been begging for over the past couple of months. You know - all in ones with feet and a zipper up the front - polar fleece. I am only stumped as to where to purchase the gripper fabric for the soles of the feet. Might have to use suede. Bloody teenagers !!!

Middle child syndrome is representing the school tomorrow in a touch football gala day. Very excited, although the occasion called for a new pair of footy boots. Do you know how hard it is to find footy boots at the end of footy season. Trust me, it is very hard. She is also heading to Narromine in a couple of weeks for THREE DAYS representing the school at sports. Wow. Three days of peace (well, relative anyway). Most excellent.


Enough about them.


My attention has been drawn lately a few times regarding 'Truth'.

Most specifically when someone tells me something and i just take it on face value - and later find out that the person has taken 'liberties' with the truth.

I am not generally a naive person. But i am not suspicious either. If someone tells me something in earnest i believe them.

I want to know how I can be more on my guard so i am not getting taken for a ride. This is happening often enough so to annoy me.

I DONT WANT to be suspecting or questioning everything people say to me. And once i have been alerted to an individuals propensity to lie, i am more watchful - but it is the initial time.

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO LIE. Why cant they just tell the truth. Especially for silly little things. I dont get it.

When someone is just 'high noting themselves', or trying to make themselves look good. Thats annoying too. I dont recongise those ones till its too late. Then i feel silly. Then i feel annoyed that they have made me feel silly.

Its a cruel cruel world.

Going now to search for my seed on google.

Monday, 21 July 2008

defining me....



an interesting project - and a challenge to all you mary's out there - create your own wordle - define you

STILL dont have my computer... very sad

at least i have this old dinosaur to use - bit slow though, must... pedal.... harder.......


----BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW ----
YAY
on the other hand - i cant sleep til i want to get up - a school holiday luxury
and am working tomorrow - will look forward to wednesday so i can do what i wanna do, be what i wanna be yeah... oohh
looking forward to group tomorrow night
serious issues to be discussed there - you should come - really

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Soul aspects - more thought....

I have been thinking still about the soul thing that we talked about at last weeks group. In particular, the astrology aspect, as you know i am into that.

I think we forgot to take into account free will. and how we assumed that we would complete the lessons of the sign we are born into in any lifetime. because, here i am - living proof - that we can struggle indefinately to live up to our sign. I have known that i have a mission to become more 'virgo' in this lifetime and have known it for more then a decade. yet still, would rather live 'in my head' - without really getting it. if i died tomorrow, i would have to do the virgo thing again, (i have blown it before, this i know) until i learn it and live it. so - on the subject of say, twins etc. and there only being one aspect of a soul in a sign at any one time, and completing the whole 'wheel' so to speak - i have come to the following conclusion.

I accept the 12 aspects of soul is real. one stays on high and the others are out there living in 3d. i accept that astrology plays a big part in this - and our chart is the blueprint of what we have to learn in this incarnation. that the 11 aspects are contributing to the whole. paying - creating karma. (hmmm - there is another thought - do aspects of the soul pay back or create karma that another aspect has to fulfill??) and because we have free will, and are having a human experience, we will not always 'get it'. In fact, i would guess that more often then not, we dont get it. So the experiences of each astrological sign would have to be experienced several times before being 'achieved' or 'passing'. Sooooo - twins - i believe that twins are aspects of the same soul undertaking a double lesson in the sign, possibly because the energy has either been blocked, misused or not learned during previous lifetimes.

Ok - thats it.

Wondering if we should have a short period of time on tuesday nights in order to share the conclusions (if any) that have arisen since the last weeks' discussion.

Just a thought


Still waiting for my computer - hopefully it will be ready tomorrow

Friday, 18 July 2008

Exiled in exile

Oh dear


My worst nightmare has come true (well one of them anyway)


My best friend - my computer - is sick and at the doctors.


I dont know when i will get it back.


Hopefully it will be ready tomorrow - maybe monday at the latest.


Very sad


I miss my computer because all my friends live there.




sniff sniff
sigh




So - I guess i will have to become a domestic goddess instead. Clean up the floordrobe and wash some clothes.


Hopefully I will be able to come to Full Moon ritual tonight. Depends upon what time his lordship gets home.




thinking about my friends


Kathleens amazing abilites which obviously knows no limits
'Chelle
Lisa's mum
Diana's free word bank (yay) and moon cookies
why deb needs a new stick




journeys - that start with a single step




essences and how i have run out of mulla mulla




how to keep the kids locked in their cupboards amused for just three more days




hmmm


thats enough dribble




might even go and make a card




luv me
xoxo

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

The Journey

The Journey



I drew this card at Lisa's Womens Spiritual Group on Tuesday night.


The Journey


Lisa instructed us to blog about our card so here I go (c'mon Faerie, where is yours??)


I have been pondering the Journey since then. I have come to the conclusion that there are many Journeys in my life. My journey as a wife and mother, my creative journey, my career, my spiritual journey, my wiccan journey... I could go on but you get the idea. Then there is the big one. The Journey. Capital letters even. The amalgamation of all those journeys which is the Journey of my Life.


Some of these journeys i am going ahead with in leaps and bounds. some have stalled like some shitbox old car on the side of a hill and no-one really knows how to get it going again. Some take two steps forward and one back.


Overall, I dont know.


The image on the card was a labrynth. Life truly is a labrynth and i am the first one to admit, that in many areas I am clueless. I am wandering around in a bit of a daze, often chasing my tail, completely scattered.


This all ties in with the work I have been doing trying to understand my life in relation to my North and South Node (astrological chart). this is EXTREMELY interesting and I can totally relate to what i have read so far.


It seems that I have a very great need to get organised. I have known this for at least a dozen years - although it is a quite distasteful job and much prefer to live in my head, although it seems that this is proving to be my undoing. I spread myself too thin (bit like vegemite) while trying to do too many things at once. There is lots lots more - it is quite fascinating really. It all ties in. My friend the astrologer has prescribed for me a bottle of Aussie bush flower essences for what is going on for me right now - and it is all connected - everything. All coming to me at once. Confirmation is good. I am on the right track is good. I just need to get off my butt and get out of my head and just do it.



So off to finish off everything i can find here.... chocolate cake, a bottle of chardy..........



sorry



bit silly really





just when i was trying to be serious