Well, I will try to make sense of some of the crap that is whirling around in my head here.
It has been a long long month or so here. Lots of stuff going on. I have had some fairly huge battles with my eldest daughter and my husband. Both of whom are cut from the same cloth, so it seems. A large streak of selfish ignorance going on there. I have handed them both over to the Goddess because I don't know what to do anymore. Whatever I do is wrong so that's me over and out. Whenever they upset me with their thoughtless and hurtful remarks, i have just taken a deep breath, handed it over, and walked away. This has taken a huge amount of effort on my behalf I must say – being used to doing everything for everyone like i was.
A weekend away was just what the doctor ordered there too. Two of my friends that I started Kindergarten with and I went away to a caravan just up the coast about two hours. It was incredible. We laughed together so hard our stomach muscles ached. We cried together. We talked about anything and everything. We swam. We got dumped in the waves. We ate. And we laughed some more.
Here we are just before we left. In case you didn't know, I am the one in the middle, Lea is on the left, and Rhonda is on the right.
It was just what the doctor ordered. I was able to tell some stories of my pain and those girls helped me put them into a place where I can deal with them. I have managed to gain a bit of distance in order to heal myself just a bit further away from the edge. The edge of the emotional abyss that I have been hovering for weeks now. It was only taking a little push to knock me over the edge. So consequently most of my time was spent trying to clamber back out. The weekend has allowed me to create a buffer zone between me and the edge. My main priority at the moment is to strengthen and increase that buffer zone. To create some hand holds for me to grab onto so I am not so easily swept away. I do have a tendency to feel things very intensely. That seems to be part of my make up – recognising it and dealing with things immediately and taking steps not to dwell on things will be one of the first things I work on.
I don't know. – these things seem to come in cycles. It has been a particularly bad one lately – and that is part of the reason I have not blogged. I opened up a new post page dozens of times and sat with my hands on the keys. Sometimes typing a few words before giving up in frustration. I was in a bad place and just couldn't write about it. Couldn't think of anything else. So just shut the page. I just went back to Face book and wrote silly status updates that masked my pain. Sigh.
Anyway, the tide has turned. I have found some strength, enough to allow me to build upon it anyway.
Symbols are important to me. I love collecting rocks and shells and sticks or seed pods. Whatever Mother Nature leaves lying around. I see them as powerful messages to me that I am on the right track. I found some amazing rocks on the beach and a tiny perfect shell that is in front of me now. It is a spiral shell and I see it as representing the cycle of life. I will draw on that.
Another symbol that has been playing out over the past few months is beads. Often I will find a loose bead just laying somewhere conspicuous. My daughters have long grown out of playing with making bead bracelets and I have not done it for ages either. But still – a random bead will appear out of nowhere in the middle of a room at times. Today I found another. A white pony bead. I picked it up with a smile and headed to the little shelf to put it with the others. I walked away, thinking of my dad in spirit who I have been attributing them as messages from. Suddenly it hit me. My maternal grandmother LOVED beads. She wore them all the time – strands of coloured beads to match her clothes. She particularly loved blue, red and white beads. I remember that really well all the way through my childhood. Nanna lived about 1000 kilometres away, so we only saw her a couple of times a year. She passed away in 1992. The year my eldest was born. Hmmm. I headed back to the shelf and saw what I thought i would see. All the beads I had found and collected on the shelf were blue, red or white. Ok. I am with the program now. Its Nanna. Will pay closer attention now and see what comes. Interesting…
Anyway. Am off now to get changed and head out of a spot of Xmas shopping.
Look after YOU,
Lotsa luv, Jen, xoxo