“Look mummy, its a PRINCESS!!!”

This post is about one week late. I am sooo slack I know. Better late than never, right??

The above quote was exclaimed (very loudly!!) from our front verandah about 12 years ago by my middle child Kira, after she had caught a glimpse of our next door neighbours daughter as a bride leaving for her wedding.

Last Tuesday afternoon I was very proud of my very own ‘princess’. It was Kira herself at her Year 10 formal. We spent the afternoon at hair appointments and getting ready to leave for the night of her life so far. I was so proud of her

 

 

I was very very proud of how my beautiful girl conducted herself that afternoon - she most certainly was a princess.

Love you Kira

xoxoxo

perspective

I have come to the conclusion that life is all about facing what is in front of you in the moment. I see so many friends around me confronted with such a diverse range of challenges right now, that i have decided that it all comes down to filters, or that's how i see it.

It is just a matter of staying in the moment, and moving through what is there in front of you. Deliberate living. Yes.

It is helpful sometimes to know the background of a situation. but even then, isn't it the past you are learning about and not the now. what is the point of knowing about the past.

from very hurtful personal experience, from being judged super harshly for some poor choices made 30 odd  years ago, and still treated and judged for them, I can attest to the necessity of living in the now.

I see it as so. Each of us sees the world through our own filters. Our filters determine how we interpret each situation we encounter and how we will respond.

If we see the world through the eyes of super well adjustedness, then we process our thoughts and actions from that space.

However, whenever we are seeing the world through need, or hurt, or emotional or whatever else, then we perceive situations etc as ‘out to get us’ etc.

I feel the best way for me to become this well adjusted and happy person is to just take one step at a time, to deal with one issue at a time as it confronts me. My job is to first of all look after myself. Beyond that is my kids, i am fully responsible for my kids. After that is my immediate family and close circle of friends. Then everyone else.

 

thats it. My survival technique.

 

I have had lots of situations lately that have come up for me and pushed at my boundaries. Lots and lots of different areas where over inflated egos and ignorant people have pushed themselves upon me. I have been forced to withdraw myself into what is the essence of me to survive. I don't have any support now. I am ON MY OWN. Me and my kids. NOBODY is more important than them, only me. And I am needed to be here for them, because I bought forth into this world and I need to be here to be there for them. So every decision i make and every step I take is with them in mind. Until my responsibility has been fulfilled in bringing them to a point of self sufficiency, I must be there for them every step of the way. That's it.

 

So, when all of this collides upon itself, I withdraw into myself to sort it out again. The death of my mother, and consequenting finds of letters of detriment to me, have led me to be very very close within myself, and just opening enough of myself to function reasonably  in this world. Things are settling down a bit re this, but again, tis one day at a time. I have named this blog very well.  Those very close to me will understand the challenges I have had to face. And these have had to be done within the safety of the closest safety net, and this is the reason for the long delay in posting. My superficial self enjoys being distracted by facebook and my novels etc, but what simmers underneath is very different indeed.

 

Thank you so much for listening.

it has been helpful to get this all out.

 

me

xoxoxo

cold

I have never felt something so cold. Cold and like marble. Cold and at peace. Finally out of pain. Finally able to run and jump and dance. Finally happy. After sooooo long.

I love you so much mum.

I am sorry.

I made mistakes and i want you to know that i had no intention of hurting you. I wish I could have been there for you in your last moments. But I take comfort in knowing that you didn't know what hit you. That you were gone before you even knew what was going on. If at all.

I have worried about you for longer than I can remember. Now you are gone, I feel a void that I don't know how to fill.

 

Oh and the kids. They are shattered. They have all written something for you. I know you already know.

RIP.

You will be missed more than you will ever know.

xoxoxoxxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxooxoooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

Life Part 2

I had an interesting experience today….

I was walking around this house, being the usual Saturday morning domestic goddess, and the song Life by Sherbet (see previous post for the lyrics) was continually running through my head. I was absentmindedly singing it for about two hours when it occurred to me that the lyrics were a good description of what i am going through right now. So I went and got my iPod and listened to the song…. yes, very good, I listened again, ahhhhhhh reminiscing. Then, as i was in the Sherbet folder, it went to another Sherbet song and I got ‘You’re all Woman”. I thought, yes good choice - I most certainly am!!! Well then it got interesting. It suddenly played a song that we used to sing at The Ncle Spiritualist Church, Nat & Michelle will remember, “No Matter What” by Boyzone. This song has special meaning, and it also has a great spiritual message about remembering that the Goddess / God (whatever) will always be walking by your side. It got halfway through this song and then skipped back to Sherbet and played “Summer Love”… that was when I laughed and went back to my housework.

Now those of you with an iPod will recognise that once you select an artist to play, that is the only thing it plays. It was NOT on shuffle, it was on Sherbet. So there was definitely a higher hand pressing those buttons for sure. and the message it had for me was well received.

I will be using the song Life as the mantra for my next few months, and using it to boost myself up when I feel down. Thank you to whoever was sending that message, much appreciated.

xoxo

Life

 

Life
Life is for Living
Life
I can't waste one minute
I've got hopes, I've got dreams
I've got eyes I can see
I've got LIFE
Look at me I can dance I can sing
Let me make like a bell let me ring
I can run, I can jump, I can shout
I'm turnin' on my own roundabout.
I'll live my life and be free
I've got my eyes I can see
I've got my mind and I'm me
I'll life my life and I'm Free,
I can talk when I got something to say
All the things I do I do my own way
and the times when I may stumble and fall
I know in time I'll laugh at it all
I'll live my life and be free
I've got my eyes I can see
I've got my min and I'm me
I'll life my life and I'm Free, I'm Free, I'm Free
I'm FREEEEEEE!
Life comes and goes
Just as a river flows
And Life into time
Words into rhyme.
Life
Life is for Living
Life
I can't waste one minute
I've got hopes, I've got dreams
I've got eyes I can see
I've got LIFE
I'll live my life and be free
I've got my eyes I can see
I've got my min and I'm me
I'll life my life and I'm Free, I'm Free, I'm Free
I'm FREEEEEEE!

Agggghhhhh the pressure!!!

Wow. I am faced with a very difficult task. Well I think it is difficult anyway. So I am going to try and explain it to you and in the process, i may be able to understand it and process it a bit better for myself.

Its no secret i am into Astrology. I have been following with interest, well more than interest actually, obsession is probably a better word! lol, the latest regarding the skies at this time of the evolution  of the planet. It seems that we are living through a very important time and the future may very well depend on us.

We are powerful beyond belief. We are the co-creators of our life. We are the co-creators of all life as we know it. I believe that this is true for any era or generation. But right now things are a bit more important. The feeling I am getting is that we are teetering upon the edge of a precipice. Time will tell which way we will go. Everyone everywhere is going through some kind of transformation. Stuff from before is being dredged up to be dealt with once and for all and left behind. Others are leaving all kind of relationships behind, if it doesn't fit anymore, then its time to move on. Like minded souls are gravitating towards each other. Honesty and integrity are finally more important than appearances and egos. The Cardinal Grand Cross is  stirring things up, forcing us to face up or ship out basically.

According to my own chart - right now is the time I have to determine the direction my life will be taking over the next decade or so and this is my dilemma. I have heeded my souls calling and left an unsatisfactory relationship, where I was not being honoured. This was in May this year that my physical being was able to break free, although my mental and emotional bodies were long since gone.  In these few months I have worked very hard to heal my entire being and to find out exactly who I am now. I was in that relationship for almost 27 years, being 18 when we first started living together. So my ENTIRE adult life has been spent in that relationship. So who am I. I am not a 17 year old child anymore, I am a 45 year old woman. I have gifts and talents and disabilities. I have opinions and knowledge and attitudes. I have freedom. I have the luxury now to find out exactly who I am and move on from there. I have certainly made inroads into this huge task, but am in no way even close to a quarter of the way through working it all out. If EVER???

What worries me now is that we are in the middle of this very important time in history, and in particular my own evolution, and I must make some choices on my direction by SEPTEMBER 12th!!! That's like THIS WEEKEND!!!! I am not worried about setting my bar too high. I know I can strive and achieve goals. My biggest worry is that I don't set it HIGH ENOUGH!!! You know, what if I aim to become a successful portrait photographer in my local community, and I could have set my eyes on the WORLD STAGE and ended up doing snaps of Brad and Ange’s brood in Hollywood!!! And I didnt know!!! So ended up here in Wallsend for the rest of my life being moderately happy and content when I could have been fabulously wealthy and rubbing shoulders with the rich of the world!!!!

So I guess that leaves me with the option of making open ended affirmations. Being really really careful to not use any limiting language at all over the next week or so. Visualising the highest forms of all areas that are of interest to me now, while also leaving room for new interests and growth.

So What do you think???

I am interested in your opinion

 

xo

revelation

Constantly in awe. I am totally blown away AGAIN by the incredible insights that are available via Astrology. This is such a huge subject. With so many facets, all with their own so many facets… i think I will be learning about this for THE REST OF MY LIFE. Although the info is flowing thick and fast lately. I am also filled with gratitude for the guidance I have been receiving, pointing me to where to find the answers.

Incredible.

Listening to that niggle that forced me to keep looking. To keep following a seemingly endless trail that led me to the answer that can explain my feelings for the past month. I am soo glad that my increased knowledge  has allowed me to understand what I was reading, which kept me following that trail.

I am going to include the following passage from www.cafeastrology.com article on transiting Saturn (grrr Saturn AGAIN, or should i say STILL) for my own information. So I can look back and know when this was. Transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal Venus about two and a half weeks ago.

What has carried you to date in the world of your social and romantic relationships may no longer feel satisfying or worthwhile for you during this transit. It's time to assess your relationship needs, attitudes, and capabilities. You may be withdrawing yourself emotionally as you become more serious, critical, and concerned about a significant relationship in your life. You may begin to see serious flaws, and any superficial interactions may begin to bother you. You might temporarily have a hard time "going through the motions". Fears that you might get hurt could be self-fulfilling prophecies if you are not careful now. While you should definitely take some time to come to terms with what you are now seeing, you should also understand that in the initial stages of this transit your thinking is skewed towards the negative. You are losing the rose-coloured glasses and eventually you will be able to see your relationships in a most realistic light--you will see them for exactly what they are. However, the first stage of this process is rather severe and unforgiving, so take your time before making any major decisions.

Major insight. Thank you.

A weight has also lifted off my shoulders over the past few days. I am feeling sooo much lighter after unburdening my brain of all that  dross the other day. I really needed to get that out and am so glad I did. So it seems that progress is being made in an onward and upward motion, with plans finally starting to come together and opportunities arising that would have not been possible a few weeks ago. Thank the Goddess…. i am ever grateful for progress made with integrity and grace.

 

On a lighter note. I have had a very full and fun weekend. Had eldest’s 18th birthday dinner on Friday night - much fun and laughter. Plenty of champers getting splashed around too. A milestone reached in the life of my baby, so only two more years til she is in her twenties….. waiting waiting waiting.. lol

Also last night. Had another houseful. The girls from the area which i am currently living - friends I was quite close to when my daughters attended primary school in the area - several live within about a five minute walk from the house we are living in now. The decided that they were all coming over for a Singstar night last night. OMG, what a great night. My voice was a bit hoarse this morning, after all that singing, and all that laughing. And was a bit slow after all that drinking… my poor liver this weekend. Oh well, you are only young once, lol.

It is so wonderful to feel like I am living again. Even though some parts are really really hard. I am still glad I left. I am quite lonely, even with it seemingly like lots of people are coming and going. This past weekend has been out of the ordinary in that way. I have been working a lot, and that has seriously cut into my social life. Now K is working, and A is 18, I am not able to go out at night. I cannot commit to anything of an evening. Plus I cannot commit to anything during the day with working casually like I do. Sigh. Oh well. Eventually it will sort itself out. Just feeling a bit ‘out of the loop’ i guess. But when I read the above passage about my saturn/venus bizzo, I guess it was inevitable and is part of a grand ‘shake up’ in that area. Hmmmmm

Anyway, am tired now and going to bed.

Take care my friends, blessed be

Luv Jen

xoxo

rambling…

again

 

 

so many thoughts running through my head.

I am in the hugest of transitions right now and I am not exactly sure how to proceed. So I am just going with my heart. I am trying to figure out the meanings of the signs and the feelings I have been getting. Plus the messages I have been getting from my guides.It all points to a shift away from where I was already.

I must be The Fool. I must trust that i am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

 

Some threads of thought that are going through my head. 

I want you to remember that I am on my own journey too. I am not an extension of YOUR journey. I have my own things that I must be doing, learning, achieving. I am doing quite well on those fronts too. So much has been gained lately, lots has been lost too, but there has been more gains. My job right now is very important. It is just as important as yours, or hers or his. Yours is important too. But no more important than mine. Nor mine yours. Why do you think that I am insignificant. Why do you believe that I am here to serve you. I am not. Why does it matter to me that you treat me badly. You ignore me, you freeze me out. It shouldn't, but it does. It hurts. It hurts that you have pushed me aside. I am wondering if this is because of my current situation here, alone, and maybe now I am a threat to you. I wonder. I wonder if you wish to make sure you avoid any of my insecurities, even though you have had plenty of your own and i supported you right through them. Why do you disrespect me. Why do you not answer the phone when I ring. Why do I bother. Why am I upset that you are absent. Why do i want to be near you when you make me feel unworthy. Why do you try and make me feel unworthy. Why cant you respect me enough to tell me what is going on. Why do others think you are kind and loving when you have hurt someone that has been there for you time and time again. Why do I care. Why do I cry. Why do I want things to change. Why am I on the edge of this precipice. Will I jump. Will anyone be there to catch me. I think not. I must do it alone now because I cannot trust you anymore. You have let me down. Why did I let you let me down again. I dont know what will happen from here on in, but my intuition tells me it is something huge. Maybe it is best if you are not around for that. You would not cope with that, no not at all. I am here. I am heart centred. I am learning. I am strong. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am the best me I can be. I am doing it all for me.

My blog posts lately have been disjointed ramblings as I am trying to make sense of this world. I am struggling a bit here, but overall I am on top of it. I must straighten this out in my mind. It is coming together. I have been getting some huge messages from my guides and have been pointed towards astrology in my life over and over and over again.

 

This is a crossroads

This is transition.

I must continue to seek within for the answers, they come to me as I need them. I understand that if something happens that I do not understand, I sit with it in my consciousness for a while and invariably the answers come. It is my human emotions that are hurting the most here. I am suffering rejection from those that I trusted most deeply. For reasons that I know not. Is it fear. Is it ego. Is it meant to be.

What is next…. I must wait and ponder some more…

 

xoxo

drifting…

I knew this would happen.

I am drifting in random directions right now. The only grounding anchor I have is work. And I have been getting a lot of days lately. Which is good. And is  also bad. Because it cuts me off. And I hate being cut off. It is a double edged sword. I find myself really enjoying the work I am doing at school, I get lots of positive feedback and intellectual stimulus, which I enjoy. I also get the chance to meet and mix with lots of people that don't normally move in my circles. I have made some very deep friendships and it is wonderful to be in the company of such amazing women and even a few men. The money is good too!! Oh yes, it is necessary for the money, seeing as Centrelink saw fit to take $130 per fortnight off me after they took into the calculations the money i have been getting in child support. Even though I have told them about it from the start!!! OMG, that was hard. BUT - only ten minutes after getting the letter letting me know about the deductions, I looked at my Inharmony Astrology for the week. The first couple of lines read -

“it's not really about the money. it's about what lies beneath it. value of yourself, your own self-worth, is where all manner of abundance first springs from. if somewhere deep within you feel you are lacking- then the outer will express the inner. with Saturn in your 2nd house of finances and self-worth for the next 2 1/2 years deep lessons about these subjects are set to unfold.”

Fark. 2 and a half years. Like I haven't suffered enough with Saturn for the LAST two and a half years…. sigh. OH well, must get on with it then… If that wasn't a mallet to the side of the head, i don't know what was.

So, immediately after I saw the astro info, I started affirming and manifesting. work started pouring in. Which is good. Except for the aforementioned state of being cut off. Sigh. My days are my only outlet now. I cannot go out nights. Not with any regularity anyway. Maybe random nights… I have even had to give up my dance lessons… (don't think about it and you will not get a mental image that you would rather not have, lol).

 

I am gathering that this information relates more to my creative side, and my inability to accept money for anything I do for anyone I know personally. It is about putting value on myself and my abilities and my talents.

I have just completed my third portrait session and have been really happy with the results. The latest one was really hard as it was quite dark and the child was a crawling baby. This presented lots of issues, but we overcame a lot of them and managed to get a few really good shots. Enough for our purposes anyway. Excellent.

My  next mission is to create a nice watermark and nice website. Then I am off. I have a plan!! I will see it through.

Then when I win lotto I will be able to do all this creative stuff whenever I want to without worrying about money.  :D yay, that will be good.

 

Also this last week, on the same day actually, Airlie turned 18 (cringe) and Kira started work at Hungry Jacks. What a huge day for us.  We survived though, and life goes on. Kira is still working, and Airlie is partying hard. :D

 

Anyway, there is lots more. I am struggling with lots of issues, regarding trust and betrayal. Also valuing self as I mentioned before.

It is a pretty huge set of stuff that is going on right now. Especially being alone and unsupported. Sigh. It will be all ok in the end, and if it isn't ok, then it isn't the end. I know all this.

Thanks for listening.

Jen

xoxo

Disappointment…

I find myself very disappointed in people today.

So many are blissfully ignorant of their effect on others. Especially those with giant egos that need constant stoking, and what amazes me most is that so many rush to constantly do the stroking. What the hell is that all about. People who just ride roughshod over everyone and everything that comes in their way. With just the thought of where the next boost of dragged out energy will come from. I would love to see some people live for a day without lavish praise. Like in the real world. Some praise is nice, definitely, but when it becomes overdone, I guess it is like an addictive drug that they cannot get enough of. Well I certainly can. I do what i can to keep my energy to myself and not contribute, but right now, at this time, there has been such an avalanche of prima donnas that I am overwhelmed and frustrated big time.  Couple with that, a long standing sacred oath  of over 40 years that was recently broken. Unapologetically. Sigh. Words cannot describe how hurt I am over that. I actually don't think i will ever get over it. Shhh, listen, what is that sound?? Oh, that is just my trust in you shattering all over the floor. Double sigh.

I am venting. I need to get this out because it is festering inside of me. I need to shout it to the world. BEND OVER IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR - ITS DARK UP THERE !!!!!

Sorry. I need to get this out.

I feel better now, and very tired. I am going to bed. Will try to post something along a more positive line soon. Will try, honest!!

Jen

xoxo

positive sign number 147

That I have done the right thing in leaving my husband…

I went to the plant nursery today. I have done this lots of times before. I loooovvvee the nursery. I love wandering around the plants, and getting inspiration from the colours and the plants and the herbs etc etc etc.

however it was always overshadowed by a doom and gloom that when i took my purchase home it would be greeted with “what the f&%k did you buy that for?? Where is it going to go”… sigh

We had a quite extensive garden, and everything i could have possibly have bought home, could have gone SOMEWHERE. Anyone that had ever visited us could attest to that. So why the frikken power play.

Today I went to the nursery. I got paid for my very first paying photography portrait job since about the ‘90’s. I decided that i would use it to buy a plant of Joy. One to be cosseted and cared for and to represent my life of joy.

When i arrived, I was almost floored with JOY. I was soooo excited. I was shopping for a plant with absolutely NO chance of recrimination. And it was AWESOME!!!  Such a small thing but oh, so, wonderful. I was almost indescribably euphoric. I was walking on air. I couldnt have been any happier if I was given free choice to take whatever I wanted from THE MINT!!!

Sigh…. So happy….  So sure…. :)

Solar Eclipse - 5.42 am Eastern Standard Time 12th July 2010

I am the catalyst for the events that unfolds in my life. I am grateful for every part of it, no matter how great or how small. For each thing is a part of my evolution and my growth towards the divine. It is my thoughts, my intention, my heart, my mind, my faith that create the reality of my life as it is now.

As above, so below, at 5.42 am tomorrow morning, a significant solar eclipse will occur which is important in the whole Cardinal Grand Cross that is in the process of developing this year. At this time it is a good idea to put out intentions for what you would like to bring into your life and what it is you are willing to leave behind. As this eclipse is in Cancer, it also relates to the home and family - our roots and our tribe.

I am willing to release from my life fear, anger and unrealistic expectation. I release stress and blame. I release ill health and poor choice. I release those things and persons that no longer serve my greater good. I release the inability to see and hear clearly. I release the need to be judgemental.

My arms are open wide to embrace copious amounts of love, abundance, and vibrant good health. I welcome serenity, peace and respect. Safety and peace, knowledge and happiness. Personal growth, spiritual growth and creativity. I welcome for my family love, respect, communication and empathy. I embrace support, an ever widening circle of friends, understanding and careful listening. Appreciation and respect, peace, happiness and lots and lots of beautiful love.

So mote it be…..

Week # 25 I heart faces challenge - Celebrating Teens

I was so happy when I saw this weeks challenge as I had just finished taking some images of my daughter after their recent victory at the NSW Winterfest Cheerleading championship. I love this shot - it is so intense - far from her usual bouncing energy.

 

go over to I heart faces and check out some of the other incredible entries.

disillusioned

so much going through my head right now..
The past week or so has been a whirl of activity and trying to fit about 26 hours work into 24, oh and still find time to sleep :)
Along with all this, I have had to work through some deep hurts inflicted by a person that means well, i know they mean well. But have been truly mack truck, bull in a china shop insensitive. This is bought upon by ignorance and a form of ‘self preservation’, I understand that - but I truly thought they were beyond that point. I have spent so many merry go rounds with this same issue, on so many occasions over the past goodness knows how long that I am totally against going up against it again. So I am choosing to grit my teeth and step over it all. Some people just never learn…
Family - gotta hand it to them. Just don’t get on your high horse with me… am over it
Personally, I am on a huge high. My life is incredible and things are working out amazingly well. My house has been blessed now by both the witches AND the bitches, lol, so all is good. An awesome weekend was had by all as my friends from years ago, when we were all school mums together, before I moved away, came over on Friday night and, well, yes, we had a ball and I think the clock read 2.30am when I fell into bed… what an awesome evening. I then went out on saturday night to a Trivia night. We came 3rd - not a bad effort considering how frikken hard those questions were… although I had to admit to doing more laughing then thinking for most of it… all good.
A huge week too, lots and lots to do.
I attended the one of the most incredible Tarot lessons I have ever attended on Tuesday. Wendy adapted a “wisdom of the aces” spread and it just blew me away. I was totally reeling for hours afterwards. Its incredible what came out, excellent news. Great timing and excellent tools in hand. I am truly grateful.
Tonight saw Kira play in her Semi final of Touch Football, they won so straight into the finals. She scored two of the three tries too, very proud. Raced from Touch along to the cottage for Yule Craft, that Deb and I had organised at the spur of the moment this week and … well… only her and I were there to put it all together. It didnt matter, we had a ball and laughed til we cried. She also made an incredible walnut cake and no one was there to share it with us… mmmmmm.
Anyhoo, am off now.
basking…. sigh
:D

today is the first day of the rest of my life…..

Today I have access to the internet again, after a week and a half off-line.

FINALLY!!!

 

Wow, that is a long wait - new connections take a week apparently. I guess there is more to it than flicking a switch or punching a few details into a computer. I don't think they fully understand how important it is to a person to be without her friends for a week :)

It has forced me to do more housework than normal though - and this is good. I am enjoying a clean and clutter free home.

 

Just to fill you in, just in case you don't know - a week and a half ago I got the keys to my new rental property and my kids and I moved in. Well, technically, we are still moving, lol, these things take time :)

It was a HUGE blur!! Last Wednesday week I didn't have a hope of a property, as I was turned down for the only one I liked since I started looking. Nothing was out there that was big enough. All of a sudden, that afternoon, I received a call from the property manager offering me the place I wanted all along. By Friday we had the keys and were moving stuff in. Saturday the 8th of May was the start of my new life. I am soooooo relaxed and happy.

A GINORMOUS thank you to Wendy and her husband (and kidlets :) for galloping at a moments notice with a truck, big manly muscles, energiser bunny style of motivational organisation and lots of laughs and bewildered scratching of the head (that last bit was just me). I love youse all, and wouldn't have done it without you. I owe you big time. And I have a large box of tea bags now :) very embarrassing - me not being a tea drinker and all - sorry Wendy.

Big thanks to my daughters friends, Mitch and Nathan. Who innocently asked did we need a hand and ended up being on the heavy end of quite a few bits of furniture. They are steering clear of me now - ITS OK TO COME BACK NOW GUYS, ITS ALL OVER :D

We are almost done. I still haven't bought over my books and there are a few pieces still hanging around in the walk in robe, waiting to come.

I still have about four boxes to unpack here - most of which contain decorative items and I am not quite sure where to put them yet. I also have an entertainment unit down in the garage, waiting for some strong arms to bring it inside..

I feel soooooo free. so relaxed and happy. I am blown away by how natural this seems, how normal and right, after living with someone and sharing their bed for 27 years… I would have thought I would feel some kind of angst. But no. It is the right thing for both of us. We are both content.

Please pop in :)

I have both tea AND coffee now. You are most welcome.

 

Today was the funeral of the son of a dear friend of mine. I am thinking of you Kay and sending you lots and lots of love. A mother should never outlive her own child. RIP Deano - I wish I could have known you.

 

xoxo

No life can escape being blown about by the winds of change and chance. And though you never know all the steps, you must learn to join the dance.....

Another rollercoaster week just gone. Big stuff. I went for a job interview last Tuesday - at our local neighbourhood centre - and administrative assistant, 3 days per week. I think i went “ok”. I don't know. It was a panel interview, and they did a lot of writing, and that is always good, but who knows who I was up against… am keeping positive about it though, I felt like it was my job - and still feel that - but am concerned now that they didn't call on Friday like they said they would. and they haven't called my referees. So that either means they haven't got around to it yet or i have been unsuccessful. I know panels can be hard to get back together to make choices, and as it is a government position, they may have to submit their choice to the department, just like they do in the Education Department. So am just waiting….. damn long weekend :)

 

Also, I was FINALLY able to look inside a house that I have had my name down to view since bloody January. It has finally become vacant, and a string of ‘coincidences’ led to me seeing the property on Thursday. they also said they would contact me regarding my application on Friday. And they didn't. So now I am waiting to hear from them too….. damn long weekend :)

 

I hate waiting… :)

 

Never mind, que sera sera.

 

Had a great day yesterday with some more Manifestation Boards. With three awesome sisters. Lots of creative genius, laughter, chit-chat and food had by all. We discovered the joy of Quince paste, cheese and sourdough - oh yeah, that's what it is all about. :)

 

Sometimes it doesn't matter

just how long you have known a person for…

Sometimes people just do things that are incomprehensible.

Sometimes I just don't understand.

Why. Why do people do what they do. Selfishness and ignorance I guess. Particularly from those that consider themselves to be a cut above others. Pffft.

Sorry - rant over.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit  bulls; they attacked the post man this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter”

rofl

If I were…

If I were a month I’d be APRIL
If I were a day I’d be FRIDAY
If I were a time of day I'd be LATE, AFTER THE KIDS HAD GONE TO BED
If I were a font I'd be LUCIDA HANDWRITING
If I were a sea animal I’d be A MERMAID
If I were a direction I’d be WEST
If I were a piece of furniture I’d be A COMFY RECLINER WITH A SOFT CUSHION,  THROW RUG AND GOOD BOOK
If I were a gemstone I’d be STILL IN THE ROUGH, WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED
If I were a tree I’d be A HONG KONG ORCHID
If I were a tool I’d be A CORDLESS DRILL
If I were a flower I’d be A SCOTCH THISTLE
If I were an element of weather I’d be A STREAKY GOLD AND PURPLE SUNSET
If I were a musical instrument I’d be PLAYING TO THE SOUND OF MY OWN DRUM
If I were a colour I’d be PURPLE
If I were an emotion I’d be HOPE
If I were a fruit I’d be A CRIMSON SEEDLESS GRAPE
If I were a sound I’d be THE HAPPY LAUGHTER OF CHILDREN
If I were an element I’d be WATER
If I were a car I’d be A CAMRY - RELIABLE AND QUICK OFF THE MARK
If I were a food I’d be LUNCH WITH GOOD FRIENDS…
If I were a place I’d be QUIET AND RELAXING
If I were material I’d be FLUFFY AND SOFT
If I were a taste I’d be SALTY
If I were a scent I’d be VANILLA
If I were a body part I’d be THE ENQUIRING MIND
If I were a song I’d be BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
If I were a bird I’d be AN OWL
If I were a gift I’d be CHERISHED
If I were a city I’d be MELBOURNE
If I were a door I’d be HARD TO OPEN BUT ONCE YOU MANAGED YOU WOULD BE GLAD YOU DID
If I were a pair of shoes I’d be THONGS
If I were a poem I’d be STRAIGHT TO THE POINT…. NO BEATING AROUND THE BUSH :)

 

Thanks Jac and Nat - had fun

xoxo

I can do this

Ok, I have just been reminded AGAIN about the power of positive self talk.

My life has been really really miserable lately - and this is affecting so many areas, including my kids, who are picking up on it and it is upsetting them too. In my most down and desperate moments I often think, “I cant do this anymore”. Meaning i am soooo sick of putting up with the misery of having to cohabitate with one whose energy is so discordant with mine, it feels like fingernails down the blackboard. Misery. Sadness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. These and more have filled my weaker moments. And I am having more and more weak moments.

So….. this brings me back to my post title.

I CAN do this. I CAN plan and wait until the right place comes along to remove myself and my children to. It has been this long now, I can wait a little longer. I can do all I can to try and organise myself to get ready to move us out. I can start packing and planning.

I can learn from all of this. I can learn and move forward.

 

I can.

I know I can.

 

Thank you for listening.

xoxo

 

P.S. - G, I am sorry, I recieved your message, I just forgot to go in and publish it. Thank you and am sorry xoxo

What a week…….

I am feeling quite angry actually.

I will admit to it, and am not proud, but want to smash something.

 

I have a dilemma.

My dilemma is this.

My husband and I are separating. FOR GOOD. We are in totally different libraries, let alone books, let alone pages. We have been together for 27 years all up. We have 3 awesome children and  I wouldn't change that for the world. We are just so miserable together now.

I wont go into the gory details.

But we are both over each other.

I am moving out with 2 of the 3 kids. The eldest, who is almost 18, is staying with her dad, basically because he lets her do what she wants without even asking her where she is going, let alone when she is coming home.  He considers this an invasion of her privacy. I think it is helping to keep her safe. Just knowing where she will be and when she will be home. Frikken dickhead. I am so angry with him about this. I hope she survives under his lack of supervision.

The others are coming with me. We are trying to find a big house in the area we need for everyone to be able to walk to where they need to go, thereby saving me about 1000 driving hours each week.

I have been looking for 3 months. Agghhhhhhh. One place was perfect. Absolutely frikken perfect. And at the last minute the tenants decided not to move. Aggghhhhhhhh. Shattered. I would be in there by now.

I get the message that there is something  I need to do before I leave. Some lesson to be learned.

Ok, I get that. SO WHAT IS IT???????????

Please tell me what it is so i can get the frik out of here.

I am dying inside.

I am soooo miserable.

I dont like it.

At all

 

Please universe - HELP…..

or I could win lotto

that would work too :)

 

I am very sick of being sad

I am very sick of being disrespected.

I am very sick of waiting when  I am ready to go.

 

Please universe

Set me free………. 

 

sigh

Thank you

Yesterday was my 16th wedding anniversary. I just wanted to say thank you…..

 

 

Wow - 27 years is a loooong time.

Thank you most of all for my three beautiful children. Although at times they have caused me worry and distress, I would never ever ever swap them for anything else in the world. They are amazing and wonderful and I love them more then life itself. They are my reason for being. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do as I pleased during this time. My far reaching interests over the years have ranged from calligraphy and photography to meditation, committees, netball and jazz ballet. I cant really recall any moment during all this time when you actually stopped me from doing anything. I am forever grateful for that.

I will always and forever appreciate how you have supported us in such fine fashion. We have had the luxury of a beautiful home, filled with furniture, books and toys. Fridges and pantries chock-o-block with food. Reliable comfortable vehicles that have gotten us from point a to point b.

Thank you for allowing me my own space to think and reason. Your habit of leaving me on my own has fostered a curious and active mind that loves to learn things and try new skills. Because you were almost never around, I mostly never had anyone near me to tell me that I was incapable of doing something - so I just did it anyway. Plus I can use almost any tool, drive a truck, ride a motorcycle. Thanks for teaching me this stuff. I am sure knowing one end of a screwdriver from the other will come in handy when i am on my own.

Thanks for loving me. In the early days, we most certainly shared a kind of love that suited us right down to the ground, for where we were in our evolution at that time. I was of incredibly low self esteem back then, and you helped me to raise my self esteem to something above the baseline.

I want to say thank you.

Thank you for my awesome kids. Thank you for allowing me to do what I want to do. Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

 

P.s. It was our 16th wedding anniversary yesterday. Sigh.

I was a bit sad. I was sooooo disappointed that we could not have worked it out.Instead, we are at a point of being really intolerant of each other. I wish that was not so… I loved  you. I love our children. Thank you…

 

Jen

:)

A dream…..

Interpretations welcome!!

 

I was with my husband inside the house we are living in now. I looked out the window to see a tree (that does not exist in reality) and saw a big brown bear jumping up and trying to grab a branch. Once he finally grabbed it and pulled it downwards, a border collie dog started walking down it and out of the tree. I was watching in amazement and followed the branch back up into the tree. I saw a whole line of Border Collies in the tree, heading down and along the branch that the bear was holding down for them. I then saw that there were babies, i think there was three (ahem) hanging in the tree in like these little muslin or netting hammock things. they were just tied up there and hanging. I got really worried about those babies and started saying ‘we have to save those babies’. One of the babies grabbed a dog as it passed by and it hung on for just a second, enough time to dislodge it partly from its hammock thingy. My husband was unconcerned and was saying ‘they will be fine’. I called the fire brigade and gave them clear instructions to reach this house and how to manoeuvre out the back to reach the babies.

Thats when i woke up.

Ok, now I have three kids. My husband owned a border collie when i met him. I guess one other reason I am leaving him (once I find a rental property… grrrrrr) is to save my kids and myself.

I just googled ‘bear’ for dream interpretation and it means ‘independence’ according to the one i looked at.

Ok, so all the symbols fit - but what is it telling me?? Still pondering that.

I would love to hear what you have to say about this dream.

xoxo

am working one up

promise i will be back tomorrow :D

 

can you wait??? sorry, I know it has been ages

A random me-me - avoiding reality

Instructions: The post is a list of 99 random things. Bold the ones that you yourself have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Tasmania
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Sea World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Went to the top of Centrepoint Tower 
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow man
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen the Murray River in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Crossed the Sydney Harbour Bridge 
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited Uluru
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Been to a jail
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy
70. Visited the War Memorial in Canberra 
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood on the steps of the Sydney Opera House 
74. Toured the Great Ocean Road
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Kimberleys in person 
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited Parliament House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Dog on the Tuckerbox in person
96. Swam in the ocean 
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Words for Women to Live By

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything. 
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - buy some Coronas.
12. Forget about the perfect man - he's living in Bondi with his boyfriend.
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

ch ch ch changes…

Much is afoot here. Many things are changing and I am feeling sooo good about this. My husband and I have finally made positive steps towards moving apart. I am on the hunt for a rental property right now, big enough for me and the kids. Everyone is taking it all really well. I didnt want to really tell my youngest about it all yet - at least not until we had somewhere to go or some plans in place. But he overheard a conversation, and being the sensitive, intuitive boy he is, he picked up on our cryptic conversation and put two and two together. He was a bit upset at first, but has come around, knowing that he will only be a couple of kilometres away from daddy and can visit practically any time. Middle child was always ok with it - eldest has come around quite well, so all is pretty good.

I sent an email to the estate agent that we have always used, and he responded immediately. He is well out of our area, but has taken me on board again - he has lots and lots of contacts and has always looked after me in the past. He has told me to use his name on any reference I want - so that makes me feel good to know that he is helping me.

I am actually really excited. I am looking forward to moving.

i know it will be really hard, but it will be worth it, i know that for sure.

i have the support of some incredible friends.

I was only saying to my daughter a little while ago how truly blessed I am to be able to count as my friends quite a few truly inspirational women. Women who have influenced my life and supported me. Women who have shown me by example how to be their authentic selves. I am honoured beyond belief. Most of them will not read this post. Some will - and i bow to you. May that I honour you in return by living up to the example you have set me.

 

On the other hand - it still continues to amaze me how low some people will actually go. The old saying “revenge is best served cold” is alive and kicking. Betrayal and disloyalty are two character traits that I count up there with dishonesty and selfishness. I am saddened to have witnessed some truly low acts. I take these as an example of how NOT TO BE and try to move on.

 

anyway - thinking of you who may be sad this evening, and also of those who are rockin’ to acca dacca - woo hooo!!!

 

Oh well, I best retire, I am off to work tomorrow (fourth day this week :) ) and need all the beauty and brains sleep I can get.

 

Luv Jen

xoxo

Humidity

I dont know about you but I am soooo frikken sick of this bloody humidity!!! Every time i get out of the air conditioned car, my glasses fog up and I cant see !! grrrrrr

AnamCara

I am happy.

Thank you AnamCara

xoxo

:)

New blog

I have started a new blog for my photography - specifically for my entries in the i♥faces weekly challenges. I have often hesitated to put them up here, as I feel it is pretty boring for those that aren't interested. Anyway, here is the link to my photography blog if you want to take a look.  :)

moving right along

It is incredible just how much it hurts on so many levels after being let down by someone(s) that you have held so dear. Oh my goodness what a lot of changes have been going on in my life - in every area, on every front.

Selfish, uncaring, egotistical, thoughtless, thankless, stupid people just shit me to frikken tears. I am soooo over it. Did I mention egotistical… grrrr

 

 

ok - rant over

 

What a rollercoaster I have been on. I am desperately trying to stabilise my life - I am holding onto the life raft with both hands here. My total one thought is for my kids, although two of them are kids no longer, but still kids to me. I love them with everything I have - they are my world. My focus at this point in time is to make sure they know without a shadow of a doubt, that someone, me, loves them more then life itself. We have had some very trying times lately. Lots of stuff has been going on. Lots to deal with. Lots to try to understand. Lots of growing, and shifting and learning.

 

Until August this year I am in a Personal Year 1 numerologically. This is about new beginnings, and the beginnings of new beginnings. So many things have been reset lately.

 

My trust has been destroyed. My base has been destabilised. My grip on reality has been shaky sometimes. My faith, however, has never wavered. I have known, all along, that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am not being asked to do anything that I have not already previously agreed to. My learning is all mine and it is all relevant. Nothing happens without a reason.

Geeze do I wish it was over though. I know, however,  that it is not.

I will continue to strive. I will continue to keep getting up. I will continue to fight for myself and my kids. I will be there for my friends, you know who you are. I will fight for you too.

 

I am going to watch Gossip Girl. Trashy, I know, but I love it.

xoxo

Happy First Birthday to I heart faces

 

One of my favourite blogs FOR SURE!!! I am always blown away and totally inspired by the photos I see there - I have learned so so much!! This week it is their 1st birthday and the photo challenge this week is Best Face Photo - must have been taken during either December 2009 or January 2010. This is a picture of my Kira, we had a bit of a photo shoot, trying for lots of different shots for me to practice my post production skills on. Thanks for looking :)

 

Why not head on over there and check out the other entries!!

Character assassination

What a lovely day when you are judged by someone that DOESNT EVEN KNOW YOU really, after some frikken dickhead has assassinated your character in your absence previously.

Shithead

I am really pissed off now. And I feel like an idiot - even though it wasnt even my fault.

grrrr x 15458486156489+615

rustle in the bushes

i am too annoyed to post

and too tired

 

i have had no sleep again

 

beware the rustle in the bushes - someone may be watching

A Quote…

I just came across this. I feel it quite apt.

 

There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song - but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny.

Pablo Neruda (1904 - 1973)

 

Yes. I think so.

Happy New Year my friends. May 2010 bring whatever it is your heart desires. Love you lots. xoxo