Tuesday, 3 October 2006

Me.....

Well here I sit, day after day, avidly reading blogs about all manner of spiritual subjects from tarot to ET, and wish I could join you in your spiritual dialogue. I find it really hard to open up and lay myself bare to any but my closest friends. I think this has a lot to do with self worth issues (what could I say that would be of any interest to anyone??) and being out of practice.

I feel like i am a bit of a 'fringe dweller'. Even now i sit for long periods staring at the screen, with my fingers on the keyboard, my mind swirling with things i could say. Each one being systematically rejected as too trivial, too boring, uninteresting, not worthwhile...... my big thing.... self worth.

Where to start, I dont know. I do know though that this is important to my growth. Just as my recent purging episode has allowed me to release a lot of negative energy, so writing will allow me to confirm to myself where i am. (or am not, as the case may be).

I will start at the beginning. I grew up in a normal suburban house in Lambton. I have one brother. My father was absent a lot due to work commitments and mum basically ran the household alone. My father died suddenly when i was 20 of a massive heart attack. My mum still hasnt gotten over that and I still miss him dearly too. I wish he had gotten to know me as an adult, and met my kids. Im know he is around us, but its not the same as being able to see and touch him.

I have been with my husband for 23 years and we have 3 kids, Airlie (hormones on legs) is 14, Kira (the freak of nature) is 11 and Egan (action man) is 6. Our relationship is mostly good, Brad pretty much allows me to do or think whatever i want. He is only marginally interested or believing in anything spiritual. He sees himself as the breadwinner and does a great job of it. I work casually and relief in Admin in school offices. I love the work as it is so varied and different and i get to use my intellect and my creativity. I also love the interaction with lots of different people (most of them are intelligent - i like that, or kids - I like that too). I like working only a couple of days a week, although i often have stints of relief work, where i work lots more, sometimes full time for a few weeks.

I am obsessed by colour... and rainbows. I am interested in art and creating with colour (count me in for your workshop Michelle - i am so there). I love to create and am a bit of a computer nerd so graphic design and photo manipulation is what i am into now.

My belief systems are a jumble of bits and pieces taken from everywhere. I have no label. I have spiritual beliefs, I am interested in some parts of Bhuddism, Paganism interests me as do all 'Earth based' belief systems. I can accept that other races from beyond our stars play a part in our evolution. I revere Mother Earth as our nurturer and sustenance. I hold Astrology in great esteem, it having been proven to me time and time again as 'the blueprint of our lives'. I consider myself to be a 'student of humanity' as i am a 'people watcher'. I love to sit and observe people as they go through the motions of living their daily lives.

My big issues now are, as i have already said, self worth. There are many areas of my life that are extremely validated. In these areas i am very confident. I tend to focus on these areas, obviously trying to make up for the fact that there are other, more important, areas of my life that i have difficulty with.

My mind is blank now - I think that is all i have to say at this time.

Ta Taa for now.
luv jen

5 comments:

Anchell said...

That wasn't so hard was it. Dont think too much about it, just share. Does it really matter what anyone else thinks????
Love u

Kathleen said...

I feel that you speak for all of us Jen, we all have/have had self esteem issues at some point.

I am finding it very interesting to watch how the energy moves among the 'blogs that I read - I like to "people watch" as well - Sometimes we are up, sometimes down, sometimes spiritual, sometimes grounded in the everyday ... but it's all real.

I am also finding that I am able to let go of some of my "issues" just by seeing that we are basically all the same.

Blessings,
Kathleen xOx

rainbowspirit said...

Um yes, ok and yes. Love you too!!!

Cyndy said...

Well said, Jen. Don't worry about the fringe-dweller thing...I've often felt like a bit of a fraud among all these amazing people, but it doesn't matter, because they love me unconditionally, even though they haven't met me in the flesh (maybe they shouldn't!) Anyway, not everybody can be in the center(assuming there is one).
I've been enjoying your posts, and I read way more than I blog anyway..I bet this almost counts as a blog, just not on my site..Anchell would agree, wouldn't you?...
Keep it up...;)Cxoxo

Anchell said...

Entirely my dear blomuggle, entirely. I would be bereft without you...