Oh it has been a pretty tough few days here.
I have two teenage daughters who have quite severe emotional issues of their own, and for some reason they have chosen me to guide them through childhood this time.
I am a very sensitive person who takes things to heart and who needs a bit of time to recover from an upset. I also need to feel accepted and appreciated. This is who I am.
The last couple of years have been hard going. Teenage years are very challenging for everyone involved. I think I am finding them more challenging then I expected because I find myself going through some kind of depression. Not bad depression that makes me suicidal or withdrawn. But depression that has affected my coping skills. I tend to fall to pieces where once I would have stood firm. I used to be a strong and independent. I still am in some ways. Yet emotionally, i am a bit of a wreck. I cant quite stand back up before one of them knocks me back down. I know, I know... I have to let them. And for some reason I do.
For instance.. today. Today was going to be my first day of peace and quiet and solitude for weeks. Either one of the kids have been home or my hubby was on a late shift that meant he has been home during the day. I am a person that NEEDS to have some time alone to gather myself. Today. Was to be MY day. No kids. No men. No one. To do what I want. Or nothing if I want. To sing loud. To burn sage. To chant. To play my 'daggy' music. No pressure. No criticism. Bliss. Now, miss 16 - whose hair wouldnt sit right and whose clothes wouldnt fit right has had a dummy spit and refused to go to school. Well I totally lost it. I was DEVASTATED. I totally lost it.
So I feel sad now. And quite 'invaded'. That isnt the right word....
A year or so ago, my doctor prescribed for me some anti depressents. I took them for a while, but then stopped. I didnt really feel they worked much for me. I am not a good taker of tablets. I tend to forget them a lot. I kept forgetting to take them and well.... you know. Just stopped.
I took one this morning. I am going to continue to take them. Every day. Well... mostly every day (lets be realistic here)
I think I need to get some help here with my emotional stress. I cant carry on like this for much longer....
Dont get me wrong.. I am not walking around sad and miserable all the time. Its just that if something goes wrong. Or someone gets angry or defiant or unreasonable or nasty or whatever teenagers do, I just lose it. And it takes me a long time to recover.. like a day or two from a big upset. I am a wreck for quite a while. And during that time, they seem to keep kicking me while I am down. Which prolongs the agony. Most of what they do is typical teenage girl stuff. I know this. It is pretty normal. Mostly.... its my reaction that can sometimes make things worse. Who am I kidding.. it does make it worse.. I know this.
My aim is to build myself up..
To regain my strength.
I am seeking to understand what it is exactly that is missing or corrupted in my life. What is destablising me. How do I begin to unwind this coiled spring that I am. What will bring me back to centre. I will make it my business to understand these things and build myself back up. I potentially could be looking at 5 or 6 more years of this kind of emotional turmoil in the house and if I keep on the way I am going now, I fear I will not survive.
I will also go right now and make myself a bottle of drops (Aust Bush Flower Essences) to support myself. This is a support system that I seriously under utilise, no longer. I make this promise to myself that I will bring into line everything I can to heal myself.
I cannot go on like this
Thank you for letting me rant and whinge
Love you guys.....