Thursday, 2 April 2009


Oh it has been a pretty tough few days here.

I have two teenage daughters who have quite severe emotional issues of their own, and for some reason they have chosen me to guide them through childhood this time.

I am a very sensitive person who takes things to heart and who needs a bit of time to recover from an upset. I also need to feel accepted and appreciated. This is who I am.

The last couple of years have been hard going. Teenage years are very challenging for everyone involved. I think I am finding them more challenging then I expected because I find myself going through some kind of depression. Not bad depression that makes me suicidal or withdrawn. But depression that has affected my coping skills. I tend to fall to pieces where once I would have stood firm. I used to be a strong and independent. I still am in some ways. Yet emotionally, i am a bit of a wreck. I cant quite stand back up before one of them knocks me back down. I know, I know... I have to let them. And for some reason I do.

For instance.. today. Today was going to be my first day of peace and quiet and solitude for weeks. Either one of the kids have been home or my hubby was on a late shift that meant he has been home during the day. I am a person that NEEDS to have some time alone to gather myself. Today. Was to be MY day. No kids. No men. No one. To do what I want. Or nothing if I want. To sing loud. To burn sage. To chant. To play my 'daggy' music. No pressure. No criticism. Bliss. Now, miss 16 - whose hair wouldnt sit right and whose clothes wouldnt fit right has had a dummy spit and refused to go to school. Well I totally lost it. I was DEVASTATED. I totally lost it.

So I feel sad now. And quite 'invaded'. That isnt the right word....

A year or so ago, my doctor prescribed for me some anti depressents. I took them for a while, but then stopped. I didnt really feel they worked much for me. I am not a good taker of tablets. I tend to forget them a lot. I kept forgetting to take them and well.... you know. Just stopped.

I took one this morning. I am going to continue to take them. Every day. Well... mostly every day (lets be realistic here)

I think I need to get some help here with my emotional stress. I cant carry on like this for much longer....

Dont get me wrong.. I am not walking around sad and miserable all the time. Its just that if something goes wrong. Or someone gets angry or defiant or unreasonable or nasty or whatever teenagers do, I just lose it. And it takes me a long time to recover.. like a day or two from a big upset. I am a wreck for quite a while. And during that time, they seem to keep kicking me while I am down. Which prolongs the agony. Most of what they do is typical teenage girl stuff. I know this. It is pretty normal. Mostly.... its my reaction that can sometimes make things worse. Who am I kidding.. it does make it worse.. I know this.

My aim is to build myself up..

To regain my strength.

I am seeking to understand what it is exactly that is missing or corrupted in my life. What is destablising me. How do I begin to unwind this coiled spring that I am. What will bring me back to centre. I will make it my business to understand these things and build myself back up. I potentially could be looking at 5 or 6 more years of this kind of emotional turmoil in the house and if I keep on the way I am going now, I fear I will not survive. 

I will also go right now and make myself a bottle of drops (Aust Bush Flower Essences) to support myself. This is a support system that I seriously under utilise, no longer. I make this promise to myself that I will bring into line everything I can to heal myself.

I must

I cannot go on like this

Thank you for letting me rant and whinge

Love you guys.....


Lola said...

Go on, rant, whinge and whine. Let it out and out. Seeking help or deciding to is a huge step taken already. Heal. Write. Or be silent if that helps. But don't seclude yourself, don't crawl into a tight ball, because that's worse. Ciao and hang in there.

Dragonesque said...

*hugs* to you, Jen, but also a big pat on the back at the same time. You are acknowledging your feelings and making a conscious choice to reject the negative ones from your life. You are also looking towards your available resources and taking action.

Life will always be full of swings and roundabouts so strengthening your coping skills will benefit you every day moving forward.

Bright blessings and, please, rant and whinge when you feel in need, but maintain the balance as you go.
♥ Wendy

Lisa said...

take your medication Morgan.
why do you constantly refuse to help yourself in that department?
I just dont understand that. Its self sabotage.

I am sending you love and healing ofcourse, because i do really love you but also a warning that i am going to slap you silly when i see you..........
as witches do

smooch xxx

please remind me to give you your formal frock on Saturday, after i beat you senseless that is xx

The Tall Red Head said...

This one thing I am dreading with my kids. My 9 year old is already starting to show signs of being very strong willed and stubborn and the girls!! They are going to be a nightmare. Good on you for starting the tablets again, there is no shame in admitting you need some outisde help.

Love to you x0x0x0x

Michelle said...

I learned to distance myself from in, not take it all personally. If I laid down and died every time someone wished me dead I'd, well, be dead :)

Teenagers lash out. They talk shit. They aim to hurt.

Be like the stone jen, let it all slide off.


fruggen bloody 16 year olds!

Good news re pill...DON'T miss a day, it will screw you over!

love you xxxxx

Breeze said...

Honestly, I'm the same way and it has to do with exactly what you are saying happened..never being alone, never having time to be without someone nagging me and asking for something.

I'm so exhausted and tired of it lately but it's entirely situational for me, I need stuff I am not getting, regular alone time in my home. My home is a place I have to escape from to be able to recharge and there is something wrong with that.

I'm writing a book about mother burnout and I think this is something that really needs to be addressed.

I'm an extrovert, I can only imagine how stressful this would be to someone who is introverted and needs alone time.

I hope you get YOUR time soon
Can your husband take the kids away somewhere for a day?


Evil Twin's Wife said...

You might want to talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds rather than anti-depressants. I found myself "on edge" a lot about 9 years ago. I've been on anti-anxiety meds ever since. They've really been a blessing for me. Just a thought....

Delwyn said...

Dear Jen
good plan - go and seek out a good counsellor and download and then get some good stategies for coping with the kids and with stress.

Talk to the counsellor about the medication. It may not be what you need. It may be, but talk first. Healing comes from talk and medication if necessary.

I decided if my teenagers threw a wobbly like that then they could stay home. I would ring the school and tell them the child would be late or absent and why, and tell the child it was their responsibility to explain at school and to catch up ...

Your daughter is old enough to be responsible and take the consequences,. You don't need to be the policeman standing over her any longer. Walk away. Take 3 breaths, bite your tongue, back off and come back later to talk about it when tempers are cooled.

Nothing ever works in the heat of a battle except rising anger and resentment.

There are lots of simple strategies out there Jen, please talk to someone before you fall into a heap.
I am worried about you. Write an email to me if you want...
Take care

Jen said...

Thank you everyone.

Will keep on going - one foot in front of the other...

And I just researched the meds I have, and they are an anti anxiety. And I will go back to my doctor for a chat I think...

Thanks again

You are a huge part of my life line.

Myst_72 said...

It seems like you were maybe not quite over or had resolved the last stuff (when you were first given the tablets) and it's built up until now, and then you have a fresh lot of worries on top.

That was a really great step with the tablets - I bought some of those divided tablet thingys that have the day of the week on them, lots easier to remember.


Bee said...

love you jen,,xxxxxx

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

A new reader for you here. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, been there myself. I too need a certain amount of time to myself and I also have a difficult time letting others emotional outbursts not affect me.

I did not learn to let things go and walk away until I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Going through those treatmetns changed me. I have been a survivor now for three years and my 16 year old son daily challenges my resolve. But I usaully manage.

Long walks and yoga help.

Wishing you the peace of letting go.

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

You've gotten some great advice and love here. That's awesome! I sure hope you're feeling better soon. Please take the meds, they do help. I'm not sure on anti-anxiety but anti-depressants usually have to be taken 2-3 weeks before any results will be felt. Please try to take them consistently to get the full results of what they can do to help.

You are not alone in this struggle. Take at least an hour to yourself everyday! If nobody will leave you to the house alone, then you leave. Go for a walk, go to a library and just read, go anywhere where you can regroup and treat yourself special. You deserve that much! ♥

Hippy Witch said...

Take care of you, you really do deserve it

Vevay Anderson said...

Oh my. I too am a very emotional person, and need my alone time, but as I have no children and live alone, it is much easier for me to obtain.

I have been known to have mental breakdowns for no apparent reason, and also take several days to recover from the big ones. You are not alone in that.

TAKE YOUR MEDICATION AS PRESCRIBED! I simply cannot stress that enough! Once you get into a routine of taking it, it will be easier to remember.

Love to you