Monday, 13 April 2009

Guilt and Suspicion

Guilt.

Something I have grown up with. Something I have been ruled by from childhood by my well meaning and loving mother.

My mum, for whatever reason, used guilt to make us do what she wanted. She still does it. Or tries i anyway. I am so onto her now. I dont let it take me over anymore. I used to buy into it BIG TIME. My brother is still totally so sucked in by it that he is actually avoiding her as much as he can. Sad really.

Sadder still is......

Oh dear, this is really hard to admit.

I have just realised that I have unknowingly allowed this to creep into my communications with my daughters.

I am repeating a pattern that I HATE.

WTF.

Another thing that she used to do was be soooo suspicious of EVERYTHING I did. There was always 1000 questions and she didnt accept my truthful answers. I hated that too.

I also find myself doing that.


Oh NOOOOOOOOOOO.


I have to stop it AND NOW.

I guess I must have done something to make her mistrust me. I know that my daughters have been caught out doing the wrong thing and lying about it. Still. Its the questioning thing. I can see/hear/feel it frustrating them just as it frustrated me.


Ok.


So to move on.


Is it just a matter of pushing down the feelings of suspicion that well up in me. Push them down and pretend they dont exist.. like, 'fake it till you make it' type thing.


I am losing a battle here. A battle that I desperately want to win. A battle that should be easy. Yet I notice the few negative things regarding the way I was parented are present in my parenting.

I had a good childhood. My parents did not divorce. We were loved dearly and not subjected to abuse. We were provided with everything that we needed plus more. The suspicion and the guilt thing, they were really the only things that I remember hurting me. I dont get it.


So, I know I am rambling here, I guess I am just 'thinking' aloud. So, thanks if you have stuck with me this far - not too much longer I promise.....


What do I do now??

How to heal??

I will journal the feelings I guess. That would be a start. And I could make a SoulCollage card of them. Yes, good plan.

Ok - I will do those things and get back to you on it.

Thanks

Jen
xoxo

10 comments:

Sarah Lulu said...

Oh I hate that too. The "ohhhh no I'm channeling my Mum" feeling!

It's just a question really of ...
recognizing the problem, as you did, that's the first step towards acting differently.

It's an old groove, make a new groove for yourself to fall into automatically.

It may not be that your Mum discovered anything in you that was not to be trusted, but more likely she was replaying a learnt (from her Mum) ...behavior.

Choose to trust. AND if you get bitten that's ok too.

The best part is that you get to be the person who makes the changes for all the generations to come.

Lisa said...

Yes honey you are exremely suspicious of your kids and their motives ( kind of like you are expecting them to play up)and if your kids see how their actions and no actions affect you, like we do, no wonder they feel so guilty.
start with prayer- pick an aspect of SHE who is strong yet powerful ( all of them !) and pass this stuff over......make a point of doing it everyday- the moon is waning- NOW is the perfect time to start working towards these ends.
lisa xx

Michelle said...

Awareness is the key Jen.

Once you become aware of the issue it seems to take on a healing of its own.

You will see.

xxx

Linda S. Socha said...

Hi Jen
I think every parent honestly observing themselves can relate to this post and this frustration. We find ourselves doing the very things we hated, It is though we were tape recorders and in a heartbeat we can push the replay button.
It really can be about awareness and you are there...and about redeciding to do it differently..It is hard to listen to ourselves but worth the listening
Great post.
Linda

Audrey said...

Jen, very funny ending! Loved it! I think that we do in fact imitate our parents - it is what we learned so therefore, it is what we do. I believe that we can make the change when we recognize what we are doing - which is what you have done! Therefore, I now pronounce you NOT YOUR MOTHER ;)
xoxoxo

Myst_72 said...

My MIL used 'expectations' (among other horrid things).
She still does it.
And can't see why we don't ring them when it is 'expected'.
Stuff that - I don't keep track of who rang who last and so on....it turns into a chore!

Recognising that you are maybe venturing down your Mum's path at times is really good - it's a great start :)

G
xxx

Lisa said...

smmooccchhh x

Debbie said...

I worry that I use guilt too. It is such an easy way to manipulate someone that cares about you. I'm trying not to. Maybe we can try together:)

Vevay Anderson said...

The best thing you are doing is recognising it! You can't change what you don't see! Keep on keepin' on!

Love to you

Sofia-Classifieds Weekly said...

Everything is just the reality, Love your post!