Something I have grown up with. Something I have been ruled by from childhood by my well meaning and loving mother.
My mum, for whatever reason, used guilt to make us do what she wanted. She still does it. Or tries i anyway. I am so onto her now. I dont let it take me over anymore. I used to buy into it BIG TIME. My brother is still totally so sucked in by it that he is actually avoiding her as much as he can. Sad really.
Sadder still is......
Oh dear, this is really hard to admit.
I have just realised that I have unknowingly allowed this to creep into my communications with my daughters.
I am repeating a pattern that I HATE.
Another thing that she used to do was be soooo suspicious of EVERYTHING I did. There was always 1000 questions and she didnt accept my truthful answers. I hated that too.
I also find myself doing that.
I have to stop it AND NOW.
I guess I must have done something to make her mistrust me. I know that my daughters have been caught out doing the wrong thing and lying about it. Still. Its the questioning thing. I can see/hear/feel it frustrating them just as it frustrated me.
So to move on.
Is it just a matter of pushing down the feelings of suspicion that well up in me. Push them down and pretend they dont exist.. like, 'fake it till you make it' type thing.
I am losing a battle here. A battle that I desperately want to win. A battle that should be easy. Yet I notice the few negative things regarding the way I was parented are present in my parenting.
I had a good childhood. My parents did not divorce. We were loved dearly and not subjected to abuse. We were provided with everything that we needed plus more. The suspicion and the guilt thing, they were really the only things that I remember hurting me. I dont get it.
So, I know I am rambling here, I guess I am just 'thinking' aloud. So, thanks if you have stuck with me this far - not too much longer I promise.....
What do I do now??
How to heal??
I will journal the feelings I guess. That would be a start. And I could make a SoulCollage card of them. Yes, good plan.
Ok - I will do those things and get back to you on it.