Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Far out...


Oh sometimes I hate the way I was wired up.

I have had sooo much going on lately.

My girls threw another curly one to me this last week.

I had an afternoon of fear so intense that I was numb and struggled to breathe.
I think it was fear mixed with shock.
It totally floored me. And forced me to reach inside for strength that I forgot I had.
We have reached a new low of lying and deceit. Although, from the ashes of that horror, a new understanding has been reached. Somehow, the beginning of trust and hope has arisen. Will be praying that it continues. A couple of posts ago I was lamenting my suspicious attitued towards them. Trouble is this frikken LYING. Trust shattered in a moment. I keep trying to trust them. Their stories dont stack up often enough for me to have lost faith in the ability to trust them.

We have openly discussed some issues and hopefully... if everyone stays true to their word (fingers crossed) then we will make progress.

This was all with my second daughter. My eldest is still an issue. I am not equipped to deal effectively with the intense brooding types. I just dont bloody know about her.


I have had lots of stuff come up this week. It started off with the shock of monday and all that ensued. Then there were a couple of issues of mine personally regarding a virtual 'scab' that keeps getting ripped off.

This has been mostly brought about by the course of Australian Bush Flower Essences I am taking. I made myself up a mix that addressed my issues around boundaries, and fear. Around being overwhelmed by emotions etc. Certainly situations relating to all of these things have popped up to be dealt with since I started taking them. And mostly I have found I have the tools and ability to look closely at them and start the healing process. Some connections have been made in my mind that have triggered things and I have been able to take some steps there too.

Oh what a week.

One of those weeks.

Tears... just below the surface. HTFU. I might go and get a t-shirt. Yes, good plan. lol

One thing that keeps popping up to me is an ongoing thing with me. Especially lately. I have already shared that I have a passion for Astrology. I have a friend that is a professional Astrologer and she has encouraged me to no end. So one of the things that she pointed out to me was my poorly aspected Mercury.

Mercury is the planet of communciation and my tendancy was always to speak first, think later. I was always managing to offend people with my thoughtless remarks. No way did I mean offence, but still, I always was able to upset people. I was then mortified when I learned what I said wrong. I still do it sometimes. But far far fewer times. I have swung to the opposite polarity. I dont trust what I say so I overly scrutinise my words before I speak them. I agonise over the right word and sometimes rehearse whole conversations before I have them. If I am put on the spot to speak, by myself or any one else, I stammer and stutter. I try over and over again to make myself understood, all the while confusing the living crap out of anyone who is trying to follow me. I hate that too. Where I used to just speak my mind, now I dont know how to. This is just as bad. I need to move back to the centre of these polarities. Balance. Thats what I need.

Frikken Pluto - it has left me a bit of a wreck really, with all its to'ing and fro'ing. Sigh.

Anyway. If I have offended you, I am sorry. I didnt mean to. If I said the wrong thing, it was not meant to offend. I am still on these drops and I think it is them that has allowed me to make all these connections. Powerful stuff really.

Am going to bed now.

Night all.

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Jen xoxo


Lisa said...

yes you offended me you bloody rude bitch !!!!
snort ............
get well soon and should you really be making up your own essences, which is in fact self diagnosing ???

not to worry town crier, we will always be here to glue you back together xx

Evil Twin's Wife said...

It's not just you. I tend to blather on and on about things - especially if I'm nervous - and then I sit around later and wonder if I've said the wrong thing or what else. Hang in there!

Michelle said...



Speechless I am

Anonymous said...

Excellent, honest rant! Nothing wrong with that, I say!

Cyndy said...

A lot of us are graced with eternal foot in mouth, Jen. Most of us don't have your sensitivity, though. And a whole pile of us really never notice; there is rarely anything malicious meant.

And your girls..... teenagers crave independence & privacy, usually without any regard for the ramifications. Half-truths & not talking are the most common way of achieving their goals. Kids usually think that they can fool their parents, and will go to exraordinary lengths to keep their business private. Like you, I abhor lies & dishonesty. Nothing would appear to be more detrimental to communication. As parents, we have a need to feel in control: our kids, after all, are ultimately our biggest responsibility, whereas kids just want us to let them do what they want. That is, until they need us for money, transport, clothes etc. There are no right answers, really: just know that the actions of your girls are not YOURS, Jen, & it's not a reflection on your parenting skills. Protect yourself, and please, please don't blame yourself for their actions. It's ok to be angry: they need to know that they have done the wrong thing, but try to keep the lines of communication open: They are good kids.

And I'm with Lisa re the essences: maybe somebody else might make them up for you ;0)

Sarah Lulu said...

Hello there ....don't forget to breathe and to live in this day only.


Hippy Witch said...

Bless your little heart, I sometimes feel you take offence, more than give offence. But we love you, however offencive we are.

Suzanne said...

Sending much love, you poor thing xx

Jen said...

Thanks guys, the drops are something I definately under utilise, but I do actually use them more then I mention. They are invaluable. Highly recommended.

And with the girls I know it is just a stage. Like teething, and back chatting. We will grow through it. I know that. Whether my liver will make it through though.. lol.

Diana, yes, maybe, sometimes. But I have been cursed with knowing when someone is saying one thing and meaning or thinking another. I tried to ignore it for too many years and got too too hurt to not believe it. It is normally spot on. Thats how I catch out the girls all the time.

I wish I was wrong, but normally I am not.

Like I said. I hate the way I am wired sometimes. When someone I love says something that hurts me, it hurts. I have trouble letting things slide off my back. And the more I love them, the more it hurts. Thats about it really.


Natalie said...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Try and mess with THAT One!!!!

I LOVE YOUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Still and all, I do.xx♥

Soz, monumentally caught up with little frothy nephew - ARGH!

Vevay Anderson said...

Discussing things openly and honestly with your girls, I think, is your best bet.

I really liked the analogy of the 'virtual scab'. I have many myself.