Sunday, 1 March 2009

Negative whinge alert

Oh dear

I know I harp on and on and on about it. But I am totally sick of my disrespectful daughters.

I cant believe that after all the hard work that I have put into raising them, that they feel that it is ok to behave like this.

I am quite ashamed really. I feel like I have failed in a fundamental way. Where is the compassion and caring they were brought up with. Why have they ditched manners. I totally dont get it.

But then again, I totally do. I remember, I really do. I have been aware of this all along. I 'felt' I had acted accordingly. I thought I addressed the issues that I felt I was let down by.

Why too do I have to be sooooo sensitive. Why oh why cant I have some patch of thick skin that I can call upon in times of need.

Whats more. I hate my husband. Right now, I hate him a lot.

I suppose that if I smothered him in his sleep tonight I WOULD GO TO JAIL. How unfair is that.

I guess you are wondering why I am still sitting in this relationship if I hate him so. I guess the reason I have stayed is financial. Plus, he is a built in babysitter. If I left, then I would have to lose money every time the kids stayed with him.... Things arent usually that bad between us that I hate him this much. I just asked him why he doesnt stand up for me and why he wont support me. He just sat and stared at the telly. He wouldnt answer me. No matter how much I begged for an answer. He just ignored me.

I am pretty pathetic really.

When it all boils down... pathetic.

When I try to decide to leave, I get a really strong gut reaction 'NO!!!' I dont know why I am meant to stay. My guidance just twists my gut every time I decide to leave. I have to listen to that. I dont understand it, but I have to listen to it... for now at least.

Sad.. very sad.

Working tomorrow and tuesday at the school I hate. Yay. Not reallly. Sigh.

Sucks to be me right now.

I am sorry - I know that there are plenty out there that are doing it tougher then me - way way tougher. I shouldnt be feeling so sorry for myself. I am though. I cant seem to help it.

ta ta for now


Am at a pretty bad place right now in my head.

Its only uphill from here - :)


Myst_72 said...

Maybe they all need a little shock, a shake up - as in you leaving for a week or two (not permanently).

Would that work?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Turning the telly off and standing in front of it seems to help.
Or send him a text message (when he's at work).
I do that sometimes when I feel like I'm not getting through.


Natalie said...

Try and get some sleep, will ring tomoz. Going to bed now, exhausted. My bro. went to jail last night, so at least you would know someone.
We love you.xx

The Tall Red Head said...

Hey, I know that feeling. I remember sitting there looking at my ex and despising him. Literally. He rang me once from work and said how he had nearly been in a work accident that would have killed him. I cried. Because he wasn't. That's when I made the decision to leave. But it took me well over a year to get to that point. You will do what is right for you Jen, when it is right. And I don't think you are sad or pathetic. You are human, and a damn nice one at that. Lots of Love to you xoxoxoxox

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Oh Jen, I wish I knew what to say to help :( Things like this just suck and it makes me sad that any woman (mother/wife) has to be feeling this way and treated poorly.
If it helps at all, many children go through a phase when they treat their mother's this way. I'll never understand that, but they do. I guess we did too. My mom died when I was 22, just at the age I was really turning around and appreciating her again and she never really got to see that part. So many regrets there on my part.
Your girls WILL come around and you'll be so important and cherished by them again in time. You are now, they just won't show it.
As for the hubby, well, I'm divorced so you probably know what my advice would be there :) He's a grown man and not going through a 'phase'...he's just treating you poorly. Not cool. Don't stand for it. I know you want to listen to your gut for now, but please listen to your heart when it speaks. YOU deserve good things in your life.
Sorry if I've said too much here, I just don't like seeing a fellow woman feeling this way.
Hope today is better for you♥

Anonymous said...

Oh Jen, my heart is breaking for you! First off....
DO NOT SMOTHER YOUR HUSBAND! (Might be worth the crime, but not the punishment!)
Second, I fail to believe you are doing anything wrong with your children. You are an AMAZING, wonderful woman. Recognize that.
Take a bit of Jen time - go for a walk on your own, have a nice big cup of coffee, read a book. Love YOU!
Sending big, big hugs your way,

janis said...

Oh Jen~ I am so sorry you are in such a bad spot right now. I feel for you and understand. Even though we are miles apart know that you are cared for and have friends (even us Blogworld ones) that do care about you. Venting here is so helpful and validating. My situation is different, but similar.
I am trying to remember the ages of your children without going back in your blog, I think they are closely behind my girls. Even at 18 & 20 sometimes I am applaud when they show a lack of respect for me. Although I get it very rarely. I especially get pissy when I somehow look like the bad parent and Sergio (husband)& Annie (youngest) seem to gang up on me. What the heck? But please know, this is part of teens growing up, they just do this.
About the marriage. Gosh Girl, I don't know what to tell you. Listen to your heart, but stay safe. I will pray for you.
Chin up. One foot in front of the other. And Just Breathe Jen!

Bairbre Aine said...

You are not alone...dis-respectful daughter of mine seldom understands the hurt she causes me.

yes, thick skinned that I am, as a single Mum of near 12, one must be!

As for bad place. Steam ahead dear one!
Put your hands to work. Make something. If it is dark, ugly no matter. Make!

Regarding mate. Love is what holds you together when your busy hating him!
If gut say "NO" there is more's just not ready to surface yet, until you are ready to deal with it.
You seem to have three emotional battles going on, at the same point.(girls,hubby,work/school).

when I have to do something I don't want to; my hands get busy and I watch a film that makes me cry! Purging out all the crud.
Makes it easier to endure the unpleasant tasks ahead.
Express the love you have toward your girls, and show them you are Mum!
Hugs, hugs, hugs to you, all the way across the great Pacific Ocean, from me!
You are not alone girlfriend!

Michelle said...

When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change.......then things change.

Sending you love

and patience

and some 2" thick skin


Evil Twin's Wife said...

Sorry you are feeling down. Here's a cyber hug, best I can do {{{HUG}}}

Vevay Anderson said...

I wish I could give you a hug right now.
I don't hold with the 'someone has it worse so don't complain' thing. If a problem is important to you, then that's what matters, and these are very valid issues you are facing.
You have not failed as a parent! I don't have children, but I know there are many mothers who feel this way. From my experiences when I was younger, and what I put my mother through, I can see parenting being absolutely horrid at times
I don't know what to say about the husband except that yes, you would go to jail for smothering him. I had that thought MANY times about my ex. I don't think it's fair either!!
Please don't call yourself pathetic, and don't apologize for venting or having emotions!!
Love to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen...

Read Alan and Barbara Pease's book, 'Why men don't listen & women can't read maps'.
It is a gem and explains ALL!!!!!

Something I learned lately....[didn't want to] the problem is yours/mine. They won't/can't change so we have to think how we can change the situation to make it acceptable to us. Whether it's distance ourselves from the problem or save some dollars to get out of there.
ALSO.... it's not about the money. It's about you being loved, appreciated as a mate and a woman. The kids won't thank you for putting up with 'shit'. They'll treat you the same as he does and have no respect for you because you allow 'it' to happen. You only have one life.

sorry to be a Dear Dorothy Dix.. I know it's none of my business but could feel your pain.
just had to

best of luck,


Renee said...

Hang in there Jen. You can do it.



Jen said...

Wow. I am so blown away by everyones advice. That so many people have bothered to spend some time to advise me has made me cry. Isnt it sad when we feel more loved and appreciated in cyberspace then in our own homes... very sad.

I am in the process of making some changes. Changes to the way I react to them all, I will be utilising my legs far more and taking myself far away from anyone who is being viscious towards me. Thats my first line of defence. sigh

Thank you again. I love and appreciate every one of you. You are very special.

jewell said...

sorry your going through this thanks for coming to my ritual love to you

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, I cant know how you feel right say what you said, you must be feeling awful. I have had moments and written things on my blog but then I have deleted them too...thinking twice.Your thoughts are raw and full of pain...yes, its awful to be ignored,when people make you feel like feel nothing towards them...Your girls will love you about ten years time, now its all about them and if you stand in their way you have hell to pay...been there done that...but they do not know just how much they hurt those that have been hurt before do they????w.w.

Kathleen said...

Love You xxxx

kenflett said...

hatred is so strong...
I'm sure your husband must be feeling that.