Its been one of those roller coaster weeks, with me working really hard to try and come to terms with some stuff that I need to change to make things change around me. I have actually managed to have a couple of wins, some slides back into the abyss, but it wont happen overnight..... Trying hard, that is what matters.
It is sooo hard to break such ingrained habits. Habits that I have memories of how I was parented. Things that we always say we will never do.. here I am. I had actually blocked a lot of my own teenage years from my memory, due to serious social trauma. My teen years were awful. When I sat and thought about things - I realised how many of the things that I am trying to change about me, were the ways that my mum dealt with me. I am not blaming her. She did the best she could at the time with the tools she had. I was a very different child to the rest of my family and although I wasnt 'really bad'.. to them I actually seemed awful. I had a lot of friends that were way 'naughtier' then me.... Hmmmm Interesting stuff. I have been spending some time pondering all this over the last few days (weeks, months, years...lol). Answers are only just coming to me.
Its like cycles. Life is such a spiral isnt it. There is always something going on. Something to work on, some thing to deal with.
Parenting is sooo cyclic too. I remember so many periods during their lives that I have wished away a 'stage'. Like "I cant wait til they grow out of this baby stage". Then they grow out of it and grow smack bang into another stage. There are only brief windows of peace between stages I have found. And apparently it just keeps on going. For life. I read about some of our blog sisters who are struggling with teething babies or wilful 4 1/2 year olds... and I think - I would actually swap this 16 year old for that problem. But then again, would I?? Like, when you are 'in' it, you sooo cant 'see' it.
Well, I am doing some major stepping back and seeing right now. Interesting. And scary. And confusing and confronting. And just plain hard. Slogging my way back up this bloody mountain. Sigh.
I am not complaining - just reporting. Sometimes I cry a river. Sometimes not. Sometimes I can see, sometimes not. It is just all part of it I guess.
I am sick of whinging here. I think you must all be soooo sick of me whinging. I am sick of me, so you must be.
I worked today. All good. I was in a bit of a grumbly mood though, and muttering a bit. Manic laughter every now and again. Quite funny really. My boss offered to get me an ipod.. so i would shut up - then he decided that he might get himself one.... I said I would throw things at him if he did. Heavy things. Like cars. lol
Am going now.
Need to get dinner for the kidlets.
One still at work.
Will get her later.
Hope you have a great weekend - and looking forward to reading all about it.
Will leave you with a picture that I took yesterday of Newcastle Beach. I spent a lot of summers on that beach.... those memories are ok...