Meme.. Nine layers.... avoiding reality....

LAYER 1:

• Name: Jenni
  
• Birth date: 27th August 19ahem
  
• Birthplace: Newcastle Australia
  
• Current Location: Still there
  
• Eye Color: A boring and unexceptional shade of hazel
  
• Hair Color: Dark brown with lighter foils
  
• Height: 163cm or so
  
• Righty or Lefty: Right
  
• Zodiac Sign: Sun - Virgo.... (there is sooo much more to astrology then this)
  

LAYER 2:

• Your heritage: Australian /German (Bavarian to be exact)
  
• The shoes you wore today: Platform thongs
  
• Your weakness: Pods. Chicken chips (crisps). Roasted pumpkin risotto
  
• Your fears: Not being loved
  
• Your perfect pizza:Pepperoni with garlic
  
• Goal you’d like to achieve: Complete Level 3 YAAD - High Priestess
  

LAYER 3:

• Your most overused phrase on IM: rofl
  
• Your first waking thoughts:Another day.... hooray
  
• Your best physical feature: My brain
  
• Your most missed memory: My dad
  

LAYER 4:

• Pepsi or Coke: Neither
• McDonald’s or Burger King: Neither
• Single or group dates: I havent dated for at least 26 years, but if I did I would probably rather go in a group... at least for a while
  
• Adidas or Nike: Whatever, I'm not into brands
• Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither. Chai or coffee.
  
• Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
  
• Cappuccino or coffee: Latte??? Why isnt it an option???
  

LAYER 5:

• Smoke:I smoked for 28 years leading up to last september (the 8th to be exact) when I stubbed out for the last time in my life. Best decision I ever made. Yay me.
  
• Cuss: (soooo stealing this one Nat) Like a wharfie, who dropped a crate on his toe.
  
• Sing: Badly... but a lot
  
• Take a shower everyday: Of course!!
  
• Do you think you’ve been in love: I have three children. Of course. Romantically?? of course.
  
• Want to go to college: We dont have 'college' in Australia in the style of this question. But would I like to further my education... Bring it on baby!!!
  
• Liked high school:The learning - oh yes. The social bit - almost destroyed me.
  
• Want to get married:Not ever again in this lifetime.
  
• Believe in yourself: Sometimes. Sometimes I dont know what to believe.
  
• Get motion sickness: No
  
• Think you’re attractive: Not on the outside
  
• Think you’re a health freak:I have lots of food 'issues' but am not a health freak.
  
• Get along with your parent(s): Yes. My mum and I meet in the middle somewhere....
  
• Like thunderstorms: Oh yes.. mother nature at her majestic best!!!
  
• Play an instrument: Does the comb count???
  

LAYER 6: In the past month…

• Drank alcohol:yup
• Smoked: No way
  
• Done a drug: nope
  
• Made Out: not that I recall....
  
• Gone on a date:Out for lunch with hubby.. yes
  
• Gone to the mall?: yes.. the second largest Westfield in Australia apparently
  
• Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Arent they chocolate biscuits??? No .....
  
• Eaten sushi: no way.. YUK
  
• Been on stage: not in the last month
  
• Been dumped: Hmmm, not quite... rejected by a teenager yes!!
  
• Gone skating: nope
  
• Made homemade cookies: Martha Stewart I am not...
  
• Gone skinny dipping: Not in the last month....
  
• Dyed your hair: Had a few foils........?
  
• Stolen Anything: Of course not
  

LAYER 7: Ever…

• Played a game that required removal of clothing: ahem, yes
  
• Been trashed or extremely intoxicated:oh yes
  
• Been caught “doing something”: Not that I wasnt able to cover up
  
• Been called a tease:Yup
• Gotten beaten up: no, not what I would call 'beaten up'...
  
• Shoplifted:A bottle of nail polish from Big W when I was about 13
  
• Changed who you were, in order to fit in: Occasionally... doesnt feel good
  

LAYER 8:

• Age you hope to be married: Oh, sooo last decade....
  
• Numbers and Names of Children: 3 of them - Airlie 16, Kira 14 and Egan 8
  
• Describe your Dream Wedding: Hugely expensive, on a beach somewhere exotic
  
• How do you want to die: quickly
  
• Where you want to go to college: I dont want to 'go' to college, I want to study locally
  
• What do you want to be when you grow up: Do I have to grow up?????????
  
• What country would you most like to visit: Easy... Europe
  

LAYER 9:

• Number of drugs taken illegally: one or two... ahem
  
• Number of people I could trust with my life: I am a very lucky girl.. I could count at least 6 or 7
  
• Number of CDs that I own: Lots.. most of my music is digital though
  
• Number of piercings: Ears three times
  
• Number of tattoos: Just one (cant wait for the next)
  
• Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Two or three
  
• Number of scars on my body: nothing substantial
  
• Number of things in my past that I regret: A couple of things I would not do again if I had my time over.... :)
  

Your turn... thanks Nat

Im Baaaaack!!!

Phew... what a couple of days it has been.....

Friday lunchtime we left for Sydney. the whole family. All jammed into the car - now the kids are getting bigger, three in the backseat is not as comfortable as it used to be. Lucky it was only a two hour drive to get to the Hotel.

We stayed right in the CBD, just metres from Central Station. OMG - I never fail to get overwhelmed at how busy and fast and crowded it is down there. Cars screaming along at breakneck speed just centimetres away from pedestrians. Thousands and thousands of people jammed onto footpaths - all scurrying (striding) to where ever. Moving as fast as possible - sweeping everyone along with them. Ugh. I hate that bit. Too many people jammed into anywhere. Especially so many people that are ANGRY. One young 'lady' screamed abuse at my daughter because she 'looked' at her. Scary stuff. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like in the REALLY big cities like New York etc. *shudder*

Anyway. The hotel was a haven of calm and we went out and about heaps - Darling Harbour, Aquarium, Chinatown, Paddys Markets, Westfield Bondi Junction, Taronga Zoo, George St Cinema.... we fit in HEAPS in the two and a half days that we were there. We arrived home at about 6.30 last night .. totally exhausted. SORE FEET!!!

I have taken HEAPS of photos but havent downloaded them to the computer yet. Will get onto that over the next couple of days.



Today I had to go to a training day for work, something that I have taught myself (computer stuff) and thought I better go and get the basics training. I ended up showing the trainers stuff. Wow. Oh well. It will be on my resume that I have done the course anyway ...


Going to pick kidlets up from school now...

then will come back and do a round of the blogs. So much to catch up on, could take me a while!!

Take care
Jen
xoxo

500th post... YAY ME.

500th post, 50 things.... 

I landed on this page through Stumble Upon. I found it to be a quite interesting list of things to avoid if one wants to be happy.

I have made it my mission to become happy. I think it is definately a decision we make and happiness is hopefully within the reach of most of us.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have three beautiful, healthy and (mostly) happy children. Lots of good and caring friends. My mum is alive cares about me a lot. My house is beautiful, comfortable and snake free. I have food in the cupboard / fridge, money in the bank and a warm bed / soft pillow. So...

I will take onboard these things, a roadmap of what NOT TO DO!!

50 Ways To Make Yourself Miserable

1. Compare yourself frequently with others.
2. Belittle yourself.
3. Don’t believe in dreams, you think dreams only happen when you are sleeping.
4. Say yes to everybody and everything.
5. Work in a job you hate.
   
6. Complain about everything.
7. Complain about everything to your friends.
8. Suspicious of everything.
9. Counting your troubles.
10. Harbor negative thoughts.
11. Trying to please everyone and let everyone walk all over you.
12. Constantly think about the past.
13. Constantly think about the future.
14. Focusing on what you lack.
15. Focusing on what you don’t want.
16. Need others to validate you constantly.
17. Think of everything that can possibly go wrong in your life.
    
18. Being jealous easily.
19. Always envy others and never grateful of what you have instead.
20. Imitating others due to lack of self confidence.
21. Lacking self esteem and cause others to dislike you.
22. Think the world revolves around you.
23. Constantly judging others.
24. Absorbing all the bad news daily in the papers.
25. Junk food is your best companion.
26. Exercise is your worst enemy.
27. Think that things can only go your way.
28. Do not accept others opinion.
29. Lack of sleep.
    
30. Lack of goals.
31. Worry consistently about the sky is falling.
32. Plan but never take action.
33. Fail to plan.
34. Feel that people around you are all jerks.
35. Thinking there is no purpose in living.
36. Being the “If Man”. If my father is the prime minister, then I will be successful. If ____ then I will be _____. (fill in the blanks)
37. Lottery is the only way to success.
38. Try to control everything that you can’t control.
39. Expect to be appreciated.
40. Expect others to be grateful to you.
41. You will not forget about criticism.
42. Hate people around you to be successful.
43. Shirk responsibilities.
44. Receive and never give.
45. Do things that are easy.
46. Overwork.
47. Never forgive.
48. Never give your best effort in things you do.
49. Perfectionism.
50. Choosing to be miserable.

Excellent. Now I know.

xoxo

Wednesday....

It is hot again today.I have relented and put on the air conditioning. I am sooo over it!
I just wish it would cool down already...


Pods... aaahhh pods.
Breeze asked what pods were and I am unsure if they are an Australian thing only but here is a picture.
ohhhh they are to die for. They are a crunchy biscuit 'cup' with creamy flavoured chocolate filling. WARNING!!! DO NOT OPEN A BOX IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO MAKE YOURSELF SICK EATING THEM!!! I am not a 'sweets' person, usually preferring to snack on savouries. Pods, however, transcend all boundaries.


Life this week.

Mostly good. All I could ask for really. Aside from monsterous headache. Migraine reallly. That was yesterday though, and today have only twinges remaining. Sick of it though and took painkillers anyway. Sook - I know.


I am in awe of blogger.

I have been fairly isolated for a long time now. Of my own making mostly - have always preferred keep my own company - not agrophobic (spell) by any stretch, but still, 'hermitlike' I guess.

This has meant that I spend a lot of time in my own head. I also have a bad habit of (dont laugh) talking to myself. To the point that if I do go out, grocery shopping for instance, I chat to myself under my breath. I wonder if anyone else does this. I also think that this tendency has led me to verbalise so much of what is going on in my head - sometimes when I am in company, I say things that I meant to keep to myself. Hmmmm, now I have actually written this down it really looks quite crazy....

Anyhow, back to the point as to why I am in awe of blogger.

It has given me a glimpse into the lives of others.

It is a community of people, all doing their thing, however they do it. All reading and looking at pictures of everyone doing their own thing.

No expectations. No one to tell me what to write.

If you dont like it you will pass me by. If you do, and feel so inclined, you can leave a comment. If you want to that is, no obligations here.

I am able to look around and read about what others are experiencing. I can look around and see that others are sometimes having a hard time, sometimes having a hoot!!

The things I see are astounding. Sometimes I look at a photograph or a piece of artwork and just sit in gobsmacked awe. I feel so incredibly inspired and wish I was more organised with my time so I could just create til my hearts content.... In the meantime, I am looking and looking and storing it all away for when I have more time.

I am feeling less like I am alone with all of you and your writing and reading. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your life with me and for taking the time to share mine also.


Oh well, better go.

Tea to cook

Still have to run the offspring to and from sport and work etc.

Thanks again ♥

Monday

☺ It is definately Monday... .

☺I have a teensy headache starting in my right temple. I think it relates to tiredness and a bit of stress.

☺I was quite far behind organisationally (its a word!!!) in my YAAD filing and sorting.

☺I am not now.... although seeds may have been sacrificed in its place - Lisa :D

☺ I am very excited because I have just organised and paid for a couple of days in our beautiful state capital city of Sydney...

☺Will take lots of photos and come back and post them for you to see.

☺ We will be going to the Zoo - we havent been there for about 7 years now - so long overdue for a trip.

☺ A girly day of shopping to be had too, while the boys do boy stuff together.

☺ Working tomorrow. Plurghhhh x 1243534526 (hate that school... think of the money!!!)

☺I love my bloggie friends.

☺ I love my real life friends too.

☺ I love my real life friends that are bloggie friends all in one.

☺ Sisters. I have been pondering sisterhood. Most specifically Sisters by choice as opposed to sisters by birth. I have no sisters by birth so am not qualified to comment. Sisters by choice however, I have quite  a few. I would not be able to live without them. Men dont seem to need that connection with other men that women need with other women.

☺ Pasta for dinner tonight was YUMMO.

☺ Also have been pondering personal space and that inner ring and who we let in to it. Specifically, what happens when you let someone in and they let you down. What then. That is worse then if you had only let them into an outer ring. Yes it is.

☺ I am addicted to Pods (does anyone want to take responsibility for that??) and have found that if you dont want to eat the whole bloody bag then you shouldnt open it at all. Or dont have it in the house. They are EVIL!!!

☺ Newly 14 year old girls who are clever and sporty and pretty and can do anything they try are obnoxious little shits who need to get knocked down a peg or two off the pedestal they put themselves on. (was that the sound of a metaphor being mixed I hear?)

☺ I love to read blogs and find so much inspiration here..... I just wish I had time to put it all into practise. 

☺ I am going to bed now.

☺ Goodnight!!! mwa

Better

Calmer.

I dont know where that came from. Seemingly out of nowhere.

It scared me a bit.

Still though, am a little on edge, but nothing like this morning.


Going now...

Irritated...

Grrrr.

Am REALLY  irritated today.

EVERYTHING is really bothering me. The clicking of the keyboard keys. The still humid air. People wanting stuff from me. I am soooo angry.

I dont know why.

I wish I knew

I am just desperately trying to contain myself, because I know I could easily end up in a huge amount of trouble today. Agggghhhhhhhh.

Breathe...

in

out

in

out


later

Blog award for me.....

"I do not believe that the accident of birth makes people sisters and brothers.It makes them siblings. Gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood are conditions people have to work at. It's a serious matter.You compromise, you give, you take, you stand firm, and you're relentless...And it is an investment." (Maya A.)

Thank you Natalie of Musings from the Deep for this award. 

I dont have a sister in real life, however, I have many many sisters of choice. I thank you all for supporting me thick and thin... 


I am unable to choose five recipients for this, because I cant choose. I would hate to miss someone... Sooo, if you want this TAKE IT!! It is yours.. of course it is yours. Cause you are my sister of choice. 


Lotsa luv

Friday night...

Its been one of those roller coaster weeks, with me working really hard to try and come to terms with some stuff that I need to change to make things change around me. I have actually managed to have a couple of wins, some slides back into the abyss, but it wont happen overnight..... Trying hard, that is what matters.

It is sooo hard to break such ingrained habits. Habits that I have memories of how I was parented. Things that we always say we will never do.. here I am. I had actually blocked a lot of my own teenage years from my memory, due to serious social trauma. My teen years were awful. When I sat and thought about things - I realised how many of the things that I am trying to change about me, were the ways that my mum dealt with me. I am not blaming her. She did the best she could at the time with the tools she had. I was a very different child to the rest of my family and although I wasnt 'really bad'.. to them I actually seemed awful. I had a lot of friends that were way 'naughtier' then me.... Hmmmm Interesting stuff. I have been spending some time pondering all this over the last few days (weeks, months, years...lol). Answers are only just coming to me.

Its like cycles. Life is such a spiral isnt it. There is always something going on. Something to work on, some thing to deal with.

Parenting is sooo cyclic too. I remember so many periods during their lives that I have wished away a 'stage'. Like "I cant wait til they grow out of this baby stage". Then they grow out of it and grow smack bang into another stage. There are only brief windows of peace between stages I have found. And apparently it just keeps on going. For life. I read about some of our blog sisters who are struggling with teething babies or wilful 4 1/2 year olds... and I think - I would actually swap this 16 year old for that problem. But then again, would I?? Like, when you are 'in' it, you sooo cant 'see' it.

Well, I am doing some major stepping back and seeing right now. Interesting. And scary. And confusing and confronting. And just plain hard. Slogging my way back up this bloody mountain. Sigh.


I am not complaining - just reporting. Sometimes I cry a river. Sometimes not. Sometimes I can see, sometimes not. It is just all part of it I guess.

I am sick of whinging here. I think you must all be soooo sick of me whinging. I am sick of me, so you must be.


I worked today. All good. I was in a bit of a grumbly mood though, and muttering a bit. Manic laughter every now and again. Quite funny really. My boss offered to get me an ipod.. so i would shut up - then he decided that he might get himself one.... I said I would throw things at him if he did. Heavy things. Like cars. lol

Am going now.

Need to get dinner for the kidlets.

One still at work.

Will get her later.

Sigh.

Hope you have a great weekend - and looking forward to reading all about it.





Will leave you with a picture that I took yesterday of Newcastle Beach. I spent a lot of summers on that beach.... those memories are ok...

Tuesday...

It has been an OK Tuesday.

I guess, I should clarify a bit and say that some bits were awesome some bits were awful. Some were just plain unremarkable.

I have a whole freight train of thoughts and stuff running through my head right now. I need clarity for starters. Cause this doesnt help. A racing mind makes it hard to focus. Oh, and sometimes I just drop into a well of profound deep and meaningful thoughts. Phew. No wonder I am tired.

Still figuring it out. Am ok, just contemplative and a little bit withdrawn. Feeling a bit out of kilter and unsure of myself. Want to participate but am scared to do the wrong thing. I kind of feel that I am on a slightly different 'frequency' then everybody else. Hmmmm - I will get back to you on it.


Photograpy wise, am awesome. I am LOVING my new camera. I think I will call her Dorrie. She is a Canon EOS 1000D Jac, with twin lenses.

I have been blown away by how many people have submitted images for the challenge. You can look here if you want to see some others. I am number 62.(out of 230 so far). Am not sure when it is judged, but will be before the end of this week... I have heaps of fun making the image, especially the computer bit. I think I will enter each week, sounds like a good plan.

Anyway, off now to veg out in front of a bit of slishy telly.

Not working tomorrow - so I was thinking of heading into the bogey hole for some shots.

Take care
Jen
xoxo

i ♥ faces - green theme

Here is my entry into this weeks i ♥ faces photography blog where they are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with a theme of GREEN. Something in your photo has to be green. Egan had a small bag of lollies from last nights birthday dinner and all he happened to have left was, yes, green!! We headed outside with the new camera and then played around with it in Paint Shop Pro X, this is what we ended up with.

Birthday dinner and New camera

Ahhhh, the house is finally quiet. They have all gone home. LUXURY!!!

We had the whole family over for a baked dinner tonight, Kira will be 14 tomorrow so we had a nice dinner with nannas and uncles and aunts and cousins etc. We also had cake (caramel mud cake) and photos with my NEW CAMERA!!!!

I thought it would be just reward for putting up with the teenage sleepover last night. Hmmm. I dont like them, they never go to bed and I cant sit up with them, it makes for a restless sleep thats for sure. All was well this morning really so all good.

Yes, went out and picked up my new camera today. Oh, am in love. It is very complicated and I will have to try and remember how to use a manual camera again, have gotten very lazy with using a fully automatic camera for a few years. Will be looking for some willing models for me to build my portraiture portfolio. More on that later.


anyway.

best go and do the birthday rap

have a nice monday

xoxo

VICTORY!!!!!

Wow.

I have achieved something that I havent been able to achieve for a few weeks now.

My elder daughter. Who has been suffering immensely from woes of the teenage variety (you know the kind, the ones that force you to treat your mother like the enemy) and other afflictions (we know not which). Has managed to make it through a day without losing her shit.

Her mother (that would be me) has also gotten through a day without losing her shit, or indeed, leaking from the eyes. MUCH GOODEST!!!


Not only that, strides have been made at her institution of education that have supported her and made her mother very happy.

ALL GOOD!!!!


Oh... what a good day.

I feel such a huge relief also. I have been battling my own stuff and trying not to make trouble and supporting traumatised teens and it has all been blowing up in my face regularly.

I am too sensitive and tend to get myself too involved. I am stepping back now and looking after me more. (can you hold me to that... please. I know me)

three steps forward today, without even a hint of a backwards one... WOO HOO


In other news...

My son, the 8yo computer whizz, has created a you tube clip on some pokemon thingy. I think it is sooo cute. He worked this out all by himself and did it all without rehearsal or instruction. He is SUCH a 'Generation Z' kid. Here is the link. If you go and look at it, can you please make a comment or rate it as good or something.. will make his day. :D thank you.

Thank you... and freaky thing

I want to say thank you soo soo much for all of the support and encouragement after my last pathetic post. It makes such a huge difference to be able to speak and be understood.

That is one of my biggest problems here. With my kids and even my husband - i am unable to communicate effectively. It drives me NUTS. I am on drops for that, hopefully will make progress soon.

Things are progressing slowly here. We seem to be taking three steps forward and two backwards lately. Although there has been occasions where we have taken three or four backwards... I think yesterday was one of those days. Those are the days that do me in.

I am way way too sensitive. I also tend to overreact at times and it is based in fear. I know. I need to let it go. And in a big way.

Its hard when it is your kid. Even if they are almost fully grown. It still can hurt.

Still, we soldier on. Teensy step forward. Will know more in the morning.

fingers crossed!!!


AND

Sorry about the snake story. It truly was a shocker. My apologies to those that are still having nightmares..... trust me, so am I. My home feels violated now - its an awful feeling. I dont know how long it will take me to get over it.. I had a smaller, less venemous snake in my outdoor area six years ago and i still scan the whole floor with my eyes every time i walk through there. Oh well... May the Goddess protect us.


Freaky thing!!!!!!

Ok - a really freaky thing happened this evening.

I was taking my daughters friend home, along a stretch of road, about five kilometers of bushland and farms. A freaky thing happened and I am not sure i will be able to explain it properly. I will try.

At the side of the road i saw, right in the middle of the windscreen the bushes and grasses at the side of the road (on the left) travelling next to me whooshing, it looked like if you see the bushes in the rear view mirror from a bad angle.. you know?? I went like 'WTF??', no sooner then i thought this, then it whooshed over to the other side of the road and whooshed through the bushes on my right and disappeared. My gob dropped open. It was like an invisible something as big as an elephant was zooming through the bush.

I KID YOU NOT.

Im like.. Okkkaaaaaay. Officially freaked out now. I have no explanation except for an alien or a ghost. And it could have been either because I happen to believe in them both. Freaky.

and NO - I had not been drinking.

oops.. fell in again

Fell into the hole again.

Have a little trouble dragging myself out today. See the problem. Keep falling in anyway.

Same old story.

I wont bore you yet again.


Sometimes I astound myself at my stupidity.

How much pain I am willing to endure.

Before I will be forced to act.


Rationally.

With thought.

And love

Always love.


I have been waiting for love to act on its own I think.

It hasn't.


It was waiting for me too.


Sometimes just loving isn't enough.


I am looking forward to going to my dear cottage tonight.

I will probably cry again.


I make a habit of that often lately.

They will be sick of me soon and say 'piss off'.

No they wont.

They will keep standing me back up and pushing me back out there into the pain.

The pain that will force me to act.

To grow


And if all else fails.

I will let time heal.

And get on with the business of healing me.

And give time time.

Whilst healing me.


sigh

bye

xx

O. M. G.

What a day it has been. Here is how it went for me today so far....

I took the kids to school as normal. Biggest girl had a hissy fit because it rained five minutes before she walked to the bus stop to catch her bus to school. I said I would drive her, because it was pissing down, and she got me in a weak moment. (the rain only lasted five minutes, but by then the bus had gone)

That's fine. I drop the three of them off at their three bloody schools. Come home and tidy up a bit. Sit down to check the emails and my friend nudges me on MSN and we play a couple of games of Spider Solitaire.

Just getting to the good bit.

I hopped up to go and have a shower and get ready for the funeral that I had to attend this morning - I went into my room, realised that my top was in the basket out here in the living room. Walked to get my phone on the computer desk to message my daughter and there IS A FRIKKING HUGE SNAKE BETWEEN ME AND THE COMPUTER. Well, about a metre long... that's frikking huge in my books. It was a Red Belly Black snake. Which are venomous in case you didn't know. IN MY FRIKKING LOUNGE ROOM.

O. M. G.

So of course I panicked.

What else would you expect me to do.

Here I am. Seventy minutes before I have to leave for a funeral and not only have I not had a shower, but there is a FRIKKEN SNAKE in my living room and there is no way in this wide earth that I was walking past it to go out my front door!!!

I get straight on the phone and ring my friend and she calms me down (somewhat) and starts making phone calls for me to find a 'snake guy'. We find one and then the excruciating fifteen minute wait til he gets here....

He came.

He got it.

I am still shitting myself.

Every where i look i expect to see a snake.

Who was that guy who drove all the snakes out of Ireland. I need him.

Now I want to sell up and move.

IN. MY. LIVING ROOM.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The funeral.

It was beautiful. It was beautiful and sad - but very beautiful for a woman who had lived a long life and had great grandchildren to prove it.

Freaky bit was, she was one of 14 kids and some of her sisters were there - one of them in particular was the spitting image of her. Freaky.


As i mentioned the other day - she was famous for her sandwiches for after church services - and the most poingnent moment for me was when we walked into the reception room afterwards and there were trays and trays of sandwiches just like she used to make. That made me a little misty.

It was nice to catch up with some people that I have not seen in ages. Some that were very good friends that I have drifted apart from. Lots and lots of hugging and cheek kissing was done today.

Farewell Gwynnie.

You will be sorely missed, but we know you are just beyond the veil and we will see you again one day.

Hugs
Jen
xoxo

A poem and a shock

I received this through the Kaleidosoul SoulCollage Yahoo board.

It speaks to me and I wanted to share it with you.

FOR A NEW BEGINNING

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander
this beginning has been quietly forming,
waiting til you were ready to emerge.

For a long tiem it has watched your desire,
feelign the emptiness growing inside you,
noticing how you willed yourself on,
still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety,
and the grey promises that sameness whispered,
heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
wondered would you always live like this.

Then in delight, when your courage kindled,
and you stepped onto new ground,
your eyes young again with energy and dream,
a path of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear,
you can trust the promise of this opening,
unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning,
that is one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk,
soon you will be home in new rhythm,
for your soul senses the world that awaits you.

From Benedictus: A Book of Blessings
By John O'Donohue




Am in disbelief this morning to hear that Melbourne was rocked by an Earthquake last night. I have no words. Just shaking head. It was apparently mild enough to not have caused much damage, but still, the main damage would have been done to peoples psyche's.

One month ago today since the bushfires in Victoria.

Please send healing thoughts to our sisters and brothers in the south east of Australia who must be reeling in shock.


Am off to the cottage this morning to see what bargains i can find at the Garage Sale.

Have a nice weekend .

SURPRISE!!!

It has been a day of surprises today. Some good and some sad.

The most incredibly unexpected surprise was popping into see our friend who is a 'Good Guy' and putting a deposit onto a Digital SLR Camera for me..... AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Am sooooo excited about that. I am getting a Canon EOS 1000D twin lens.

We popped in to price a new CD player - we have a 5 disc turntable thingy and husband is a music addict and plays a rotation of about 200 cd's continually. A new one will cost almost $500 can you believe that?? We ended up getting him a 8gig ipod with a cable to plug into the amp, on special for $180. Woo hoo. Now am sitting here loading on his 200 odd albums.... he is techno -challenged and this is a big step... he is coming around though... I think he only just got the gist of cd's rather then vinyl!!

A trip to the Rivers outlet at Kotara and he ended up with a pair of jeans and a nice t shirt too. Retail therapy - gotta love it.


A lot of cleaning out here. Cleaning out and cleaning up. Cleaning out and cleaning up and updating. All good.

To the sad.

One of the cornerstones of the Spiritualist Church passed over this morning. Gwynnie Gill had been battling a debilitating illness for quite a while. Although, from what I heard, had never lost her sense of humour or fighting spirit. Of course she wouldnt. She was one of a kind and worked tirelessly for many many years. If you have ever been to a Sunday Service and enjoyed a delicious sandwich afterwards, that was Gwynnie. She would get up at the crack of dawn on Sunday, get fresh bread and make several trays of sandwiches. They were the best I had ever tasted. Thanks Gwyn. She was also the one who made sure there was things like toilet paper and soap. She will be sorely missed by many. Love and light to her family.

Anyhow - better get on with it. Gotta go and pick a kid up from work shortly.

Luv

Ha ha

Oh dear...

In an unexpected twist, I clicked one too many buttons randomly and have ended up following my own blog.

Ahem.

Silly me............... lol

resurfacing

I want to thank all my wonderful bloggie friends for their support after my huge rant in the last post. I have been overwhelmed with what was written and it has made a HUGE difference to my frame of mind, knowing that i have been so accepted and understood by you. Acceptance has always been a thing of mine, I have often felt that I dont quite fit in ... I feel blessed and am very very grateful to have your support.. yes you.

In other news... I am building my strength and am ok. Things have settled down a LOT here... I have had a good long hard look at myself and have figured out some strategies to support myself here. To strengthen my strengths and build up my weaknesses. To increase communication and act, not re-act.

I can only change myself - I cant change others. And I know that if I want things to change, I need to change the way I do things - for while ever I do the same, I will get the same result . I am doing all I can for now. One step at a time... one foot in front of the other. If I make a mistake, it will not be the end of the world - I will have learned what doesnt work.

Ok - onwards and upwards.

Thank you for your support my friends... ♥

Negative whinge alert

Oh dear

I know I harp on and on and on about it. But I am totally sick of my disrespectful daughters.

I cant believe that after all the hard work that I have put into raising them, that they feel that it is ok to behave like this.

I am quite ashamed really. I feel like I have failed in a fundamental way. Where is the compassion and caring they were brought up with. Why have they ditched manners. I totally dont get it.

But then again, I totally do. I remember, I really do. I have been aware of this all along. I 'felt' I had acted accordingly. I thought I addressed the issues that I felt I was let down by.


Why too do I have to be sooooo sensitive. Why oh why cant I have some patch of thick skin that I can call upon in times of need.

Whats more. I hate my husband. Right now, I hate him a lot.

I suppose that if I smothered him in his sleep tonight I WOULD GO TO JAIL. How unfair is that.

I guess you are wondering why I am still sitting in this relationship if I hate him so. I guess the reason I have stayed is financial. Plus, he is a built in babysitter. If I left, then I would have to lose money every time the kids stayed with him.... Things arent usually that bad between us that I hate him this much. I just asked him why he doesnt stand up for me and why he wont support me. He just sat and stared at the telly. He wouldnt answer me. No matter how much I begged for an answer. He just ignored me.

I am pretty pathetic really.

When it all boils down... pathetic.

When I try to decide to leave, I get a really strong gut reaction 'NO!!!' I dont know why I am meant to stay. My guidance just twists my gut every time I decide to leave. I have to listen to that. I dont understand it, but I have to listen to it... for now at least.

Sad.. very sad.

Working tomorrow and tuesday at the school I hate. Yay. Not reallly. Sigh.

Sucks to be me right now.

I am sorry - I know that there are plenty out there that are doing it tougher then me - way way tougher. I shouldnt be feeling so sorry for myself. I am though. I cant seem to help it.

ta ta for now
xoox

Sorry.....

Am at a pretty bad place right now in my head.

Its only uphill from here - :)