I have some awful virus thingy.
I think it will be ok for everyone to read my blog, according to the computer guru, but if some random email comes from me with something attached, DO NOT OPEN IT. This will not happen, but just in case, it is a warning.
He is coming back on Saturday arvo to reformat and reinstall and all will be good!!!
In the mean time I have to put up with the constant message from my system tray that I have an 'infection'. Also a dreadful flashing sign on my desktop that i have a virus and My Documents opens up itself ever half an hour or so. If i am on for a couple of hours then several copies are open at once.,.. grrrrr
I wnet out yesterday and came home to find my documents open 9 times. agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
Thank the Goddess that it will be all fixed on saturday. Have spent the past couple of days copying all my files onto dvd's. BORING.
Worked today too.
Lots to do over the weekend, prolly wont be back til sunday now.
Have a wonderful weekend
I will come back and tell you how happy I am with my new infection free 'puter.
Looking forward to a couple of days without being run over by the Karma Train.
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from Jen xoxo
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
off line
I am having technical difficulties here. My computer switches on and hums away nicely..... it is just not 'talking' to my monitor. Damn!!!
I tried a different monitor and a different cable. No go.
I had the computer guru guy booked for tomorrow for other things. Now I guess he will be spending all his time on mine... damn
i am a lucky girl that i have so many computers here.. this is my sons, slow, but it is working!!!
Hopefully he will have me back on line in the morning.
Fingers crossed everyone.
nigh nighs
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo
I tried a different monitor and a different cable. No go.
I had the computer guru guy booked for tomorrow for other things. Now I guess he will be spending all his time on mine... damn
i am a lucky girl that i have so many computers here.. this is my sons, slow, but it is working!!!
Hopefully he will have me back on line in the morning.
Fingers crossed everyone.
nigh nighs
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Meme Of the Moment.
1. What is your current obsession?
I am currently obsessed with blogs. I get sooo much pleasure from reading what is going on in the lives of others. The artwork, photography, words... it is all sooo incredibly inspiring!! Love you guys.. mwa!!
Oh, and of course. Photography. I am soaking up any information I can re digital photography techniques and Paint Shop Pro X, along with getting out there and snapping away when I can find a willing victim. Portraiture is my passion. I am completely, utterly and totally obsessed.
2.Which item of clothing do you wear often?
My supersoft slipper thongs. I have heel spurs and find walking on my hard floors sees me in agony quite quickly.
3.What's for dinner?
I had quiche lorraine myself, but bought pizza for the kids and hubby. We have a sleepover friend here - and after my huge day today, I couldnt be bothered cooking.
4.What are you listening to?
My husband is watching Independence Day on telly - 9yo boy is singing something - he loves to sing that boy - and the girls are playing something on the Wii and there are screams of laughter coming from the family room.
5.Say something to the one that tagged you.
Hey Natsy, I hope today has bought you closer to your dream of organisation. I also hope that you have had some sleep.
May there be movement where it should be and none in other areas. ahem :D
6.Favorite vacation spot?
Stroud Monastery. Sydney. Anywhere near the beach. Blue Mountains.
7. What I'm reading right now?
The Happiness Trap, Dr Russ Harris MD. Interesting stuff.
8. Four words to describe myself.
Hard one... funny, intelligent, sensitive, caring
9.Guilty pleasure.
Sweet Chilli Red Rock Deli chips
10. What do you think you will feel about your life when all is said and done?
I guess that I will look back and see that I have tried really really hard, had some wins and some losses. I will feel immense pride in my children and satisfaction at how far I have come. I will gain huge joy from my artwork and photography and feel happy that I was able to touch lives in a positive way. I think I will be ready to move on to the next stage of my evolution and look forward to meeting you again over there.
11. What do you look forward to?
I look forward to a time when I can relax
I now get to tag some others:
Cyndy - Blogmuggling
Kathleen - Whimsigals
Sarah Lulu - Normal is a cycle on a washing machine
Wendy - Curiouser and Curiouser
Jacqui - Listening to Life
Breeze - Breeze Daze
Evil Twins Wife - Glamorous Life of a Hausfrau
Renata - Web of Wyrd
Toni - Weird blogposts from a Redheaded Freak
G - From the Myst
That was fun....
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Luv from
Jen
xoxo
I am currently obsessed with blogs. I get sooo much pleasure from reading what is going on in the lives of others. The artwork, photography, words... it is all sooo incredibly inspiring!! Love you guys.. mwa!!
Oh, and of course. Photography. I am soaking up any information I can re digital photography techniques and Paint Shop Pro X, along with getting out there and snapping away when I can find a willing victim. Portraiture is my passion. I am completely, utterly and totally obsessed.
2.Which item of clothing do you wear often?
My supersoft slipper thongs. I have heel spurs and find walking on my hard floors sees me in agony quite quickly.
3.What's for dinner?
I had quiche lorraine myself, but bought pizza for the kids and hubby. We have a sleepover friend here - and after my huge day today, I couldnt be bothered cooking.
4.What are you listening to?
My husband is watching Independence Day on telly - 9yo boy is singing something - he loves to sing that boy - and the girls are playing something on the Wii and there are screams of laughter coming from the family room.
5.Say something to the one that tagged you.
Hey Natsy, I hope today has bought you closer to your dream of organisation. I also hope that you have had some sleep.
May there be movement where it should be and none in other areas. ahem :D
6.Favorite vacation spot?
Stroud Monastery. Sydney. Anywhere near the beach. Blue Mountains.
7. What I'm reading right now?
The Happiness Trap, Dr Russ Harris MD. Interesting stuff.
8. Four words to describe myself.
Hard one... funny, intelligent, sensitive, caring
9.Guilty pleasure.
Sweet Chilli Red Rock Deli chips
10. What do you think you will feel about your life when all is said and done?
I guess that I will look back and see that I have tried really really hard, had some wins and some losses. I will feel immense pride in my children and satisfaction at how far I have come. I will gain huge joy from my artwork and photography and feel happy that I was able to touch lives in a positive way. I think I will be ready to move on to the next stage of my evolution and look forward to meeting you again over there.
11. What do you look forward to?
I look forward to a time when I can relax
I now get to tag some others:
Cyndy - Blogmuggling
Kathleen - Whimsigals
Sarah Lulu - Normal is a cycle on a washing machine
Wendy - Curiouser and Curiouser
Jacqui - Listening to Life
Breeze - Breeze Daze
Evil Twins Wife - Glamorous Life of a Hausfrau
Renata - Web of Wyrd
Toni - Weird blogposts from a Redheaded Freak
G - From the Myst
That was fun....
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Luv from
Jen
xoxo
Friday, 24 April 2009
Friday
Awww. Friday
A Meme
Thanks Natsy
Too too busy to think about that right now. It is late late and have worked today. Am tired sigh.
Spent today trying (sucessfully) to reconcile August last year. One frikken month peoples. four and a half hours. aaagggghhhhhhh. Was banging my head on my desk and demanding a raise or a transfer (only one office). I didnt get the transfer or the raise. Will have to increase demands next week. Sigh. What a day.
A Meme.
COOL!!!
I like Meme's. I have not got time to think about it now though, it is 11.18pm. Will do it tomorrow. Promise. Love Meme's. Will do it.
Chatted to my elder bro this evening. Who seperated from his wife a long time ago. Wondering was he at what age gap is acceptable to someone who is in his fifties (56). How young is acceptable by society. 40?? 45?? I dont know. I said 40 would probably be ok. There was 21 years between my mum and dad. He passed over while she was only 47 though, and she has spent the past 24 years alone.... What are your thoughts, am interested in hearing.
Tired now
jen
xoxo
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo
A Meme
Thanks Natsy
Too too busy to think about that right now. It is late late and have worked today. Am tired sigh.
Spent today trying (sucessfully) to reconcile August last year. One frikken month peoples. four and a half hours. aaagggghhhhhhh. Was banging my head on my desk and demanding a raise or a transfer (only one office). I didnt get the transfer or the raise. Will have to increase demands next week. Sigh. What a day.
A Meme.
COOL!!!
I like Meme's. I have not got time to think about it now though, it is 11.18pm. Will do it tomorrow. Promise. Love Meme's. Will do it.
Chatted to my elder bro this evening. Who seperated from his wife a long time ago. Wondering was he at what age gap is acceptable to someone who is in his fifties (56). How young is acceptable by society. 40?? 45?? I dont know. I said 40 would probably be ok. There was 21 years between my mum and dad. He passed over while she was only 47 though, and she has spent the past 24 years alone.... What are your thoughts, am interested in hearing.
Tired now
jen
xoxo
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Far out...
AAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH....
Oh sometimes I hate the way I was wired up.
I have had sooo much going on lately.
My girls threw another curly one to me this last week.
I had an afternoon of fear so intense that I was numb and struggled to breathe.
I think it was fear mixed with shock.
It totally floored me. And forced me to reach inside for strength that I forgot I had.
We have reached a new low of lying and deceit. Although, from the ashes of that horror, a new understanding has been reached. Somehow, the beginning of trust and hope has arisen. Will be praying that it continues. A couple of posts ago I was lamenting my suspicious attitued towards them. Trouble is this frikken LYING. Trust shattered in a moment. I keep trying to trust them. Their stories dont stack up often enough for me to have lost faith in the ability to trust them.
We have openly discussed some issues and hopefully... if everyone stays true to their word (fingers crossed) then we will make progress.
This was all with my second daughter. My eldest is still an issue. I am not equipped to deal effectively with the intense brooding types. I just dont bloody know about her.
Sigh.
I have had lots of stuff come up this week. It started off with the shock of monday and all that ensued. Then there were a couple of issues of mine personally regarding a virtual 'scab' that keeps getting ripped off.
This has been mostly brought about by the course of Australian Bush Flower Essences I am taking. I made myself up a mix that addressed my issues around boundaries, and fear. Around being overwhelmed by emotions etc. Certainly situations relating to all of these things have popped up to be dealt with since I started taking them. And mostly I have found I have the tools and ability to look closely at them and start the healing process. Some connections have been made in my mind that have triggered things and I have been able to take some steps there too.
Oh what a week.
One of those weeks.
Tears... just below the surface. HTFU. I might go and get a t-shirt. Yes, good plan. lol
One thing that keeps popping up to me is an ongoing thing with me. Especially lately. I have already shared that I have a passion for Astrology. I have a friend that is a professional Astrologer and she has encouraged me to no end. So one of the things that she pointed out to me was my poorly aspected Mercury.
Mercury is the planet of communciation and my tendancy was always to speak first, think later. I was always managing to offend people with my thoughtless remarks. No way did I mean offence, but still, I always was able to upset people. I was then mortified when I learned what I said wrong. I still do it sometimes. But far far fewer times. I have swung to the opposite polarity. I dont trust what I say so I overly scrutinise my words before I speak them. I agonise over the right word and sometimes rehearse whole conversations before I have them. If I am put on the spot to speak, by myself or any one else, I stammer and stutter. I try over and over again to make myself understood, all the while confusing the living crap out of anyone who is trying to follow me. I hate that too. Where I used to just speak my mind, now I dont know how to. This is just as bad. I need to move back to the centre of these polarities. Balance. Thats what I need.
Frikken Pluto - it has left me a bit of a wreck really, with all its to'ing and fro'ing. Sigh.
Anyway. If I have offended you, I am sorry. I didnt mean to. If I said the wrong thing, it was not meant to offend. I am still on these drops and I think it is them that has allowed me to make all these connections. Powerful stuff really.
Am going to bed now.
Night all.
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Jen xoxo
Oh sometimes I hate the way I was wired up.
I have had sooo much going on lately.
My girls threw another curly one to me this last week.
I had an afternoon of fear so intense that I was numb and struggled to breathe.
I think it was fear mixed with shock.
It totally floored me. And forced me to reach inside for strength that I forgot I had.
We have reached a new low of lying and deceit. Although, from the ashes of that horror, a new understanding has been reached. Somehow, the beginning of trust and hope has arisen. Will be praying that it continues. A couple of posts ago I was lamenting my suspicious attitued towards them. Trouble is this frikken LYING. Trust shattered in a moment. I keep trying to trust them. Their stories dont stack up often enough for me to have lost faith in the ability to trust them.
We have openly discussed some issues and hopefully... if everyone stays true to their word (fingers crossed) then we will make progress.
This was all with my second daughter. My eldest is still an issue. I am not equipped to deal effectively with the intense brooding types. I just dont bloody know about her.
Sigh.
I have had lots of stuff come up this week. It started off with the shock of monday and all that ensued. Then there were a couple of issues of mine personally regarding a virtual 'scab' that keeps getting ripped off.
This has been mostly brought about by the course of Australian Bush Flower Essences I am taking. I made myself up a mix that addressed my issues around boundaries, and fear. Around being overwhelmed by emotions etc. Certainly situations relating to all of these things have popped up to be dealt with since I started taking them. And mostly I have found I have the tools and ability to look closely at them and start the healing process. Some connections have been made in my mind that have triggered things and I have been able to take some steps there too.
Oh what a week.
One of those weeks.
Tears... just below the surface. HTFU. I might go and get a t-shirt. Yes, good plan. lol
One thing that keeps popping up to me is an ongoing thing with me. Especially lately. I have already shared that I have a passion for Astrology. I have a friend that is a professional Astrologer and she has encouraged me to no end. So one of the things that she pointed out to me was my poorly aspected Mercury.
Mercury is the planet of communciation and my tendancy was always to speak first, think later. I was always managing to offend people with my thoughtless remarks. No way did I mean offence, but still, I always was able to upset people. I was then mortified when I learned what I said wrong. I still do it sometimes. But far far fewer times. I have swung to the opposite polarity. I dont trust what I say so I overly scrutinise my words before I speak them. I agonise over the right word and sometimes rehearse whole conversations before I have them. If I am put on the spot to speak, by myself or any one else, I stammer and stutter. I try over and over again to make myself understood, all the while confusing the living crap out of anyone who is trying to follow me. I hate that too. Where I used to just speak my mind, now I dont know how to. This is just as bad. I need to move back to the centre of these polarities. Balance. Thats what I need.
Frikken Pluto - it has left me a bit of a wreck really, with all its to'ing and fro'ing. Sigh.
Anyway. If I have offended you, I am sorry. I didnt mean to. If I said the wrong thing, it was not meant to offend. I am still on these drops and I think it is them that has allowed me to make all these connections. Powerful stuff really.
Am going to bed now.
Night all.
♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Jen xoxo
Monday, 20 April 2009
Monday
Ok, it certainly seems to be a few weeks of tough lessons for little ole me. I have been struggling today. An issue of trust and faith. I have been pushed again to the very limits of myself.
Note to the universe - NEED A LITTLE BREATHER HERE!!! Sorry for yelling. Just making sure you can hear me..... sigh.
In all of these piles of excrement that I have found myself in lately - I am VERY PROUD to inform you, my friends, that never ever even once have I felt like a ciggy. I am soooo proud of myself. I have tested it in my mind. Even today - I thought to myself - 'self, would a cigarette calm you down' and the answer was a resounding NO!!! Dont be ridiculous. Incredible. It has been about 7 1/2 months now. I can honestly say, never, in any moment, have I seriously entertained the thought of having a puff. Very happy with that.
Anyway.. will be back tomorrow. It is late and I am tired. I will try to get some sleep - wish me luck.
♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Jen xoxo
Note to the universe - NEED A LITTLE BREATHER HERE!!! Sorry for yelling. Just making sure you can hear me..... sigh.
In all of these piles of excrement that I have found myself in lately - I am VERY PROUD to inform you, my friends, that never ever even once have I felt like a ciggy. I am soooo proud of myself. I have tested it in my mind. Even today - I thought to myself - 'self, would a cigarette calm you down' and the answer was a resounding NO!!! Dont be ridiculous. Incredible. It has been about 7 1/2 months now. I can honestly say, never, in any moment, have I seriously entertained the thought of having a puff. Very happy with that.
Anyway.. will be back tomorrow. It is late and I am tired. I will try to get some sleep - wish me luck.
♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Jen xoxo
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Astrology news
Hi there friends... Astrology. One of my passions. I am an 'armchair astrologer' and find it incredibly fascinating. I receive the Edgar J Winter Astrology Newsletter into my Inbox every week. Sometimes it has really good stuff and I love to share it with you. I can totally relate to todays email, and here it is -
Star-loving Fellow Travellers I pass this one onto my readers:-
Our beloved Venus is coming to the end of her very strong retrograde phase in Aries (and squaring the Black Moon and Pluto while she was about it). Have you noticed yourself feeling a bit more aggressive, direct, forthright and argumentative lately? Blame it all on Venus! Yes, she’s the Goddess of Love but in Retrograde in Aries, her love may take the form of some clean anger to clarify issues in relationship and clear the decks.
The time of her return to direct motion is 5.30am this Sunday and if you pay attention, you’ll notice the shift of energy that day. Usually when a planet goes direct after a period in retrograde motion, there is a distinct feeling of release and relief as things that have been troublesome and stuck start clearing and moving forwards again. …
But just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Mars comes in to stir things up a little more and add some excitement to our life. Here’s how it looks over the next few weeks:
April 15: Mars conjunct Uranus 24 Pisces
April 18: Venus Direct 29 Pisces
April 22: Venus conjunct Mars 29 Pisces
April 23: Mars into Aries
April 24: Venus back into Aries again
April 27: Mars in Aries square Pluto
May 3: Venus in Aries square Pluto
And then…..
May 24: Jupiter conjunct Chiron 26 Aquarius
May 28: Jupiter conjunct Neptune 26 Aquarius
So relationship dynamics will continue to be passionate and forthright. Its helpful to be very aware of your anger and frustration and make sure you have healthy clean daily outlets for its expression – long vigorous walks, visits to the gym, mountain climbing, long-distance swimming, marathon cycling, lots of sex etc. By all means speak your mind (it’ll be difficult not to), but know that there may be consequences.
On a positive note, remember that this is just energy moving – it’s neither good nor bad in itself. It’s just life expressing itself through you, so no point in trying to stop it. To block and control this energy will likely result in migraines, accidents and physical injury. So express yourself in the most simple, clear and honest way you can without causing too much hurt and damage, and dance, laugh and dance some more.
Energy like this has a purpose and with Mars and Aries, it’s a call to courage and action. Enjoy.
Our beloved Venus is coming to the end of her very strong retrograde phase in Aries (and squaring the Black Moon and Pluto while she was about it). Have you noticed yourself feeling a bit more aggressive, direct, forthright and argumentative lately? Blame it all on Venus! Yes, she’s the Goddess of Love but in Retrograde in Aries, her love may take the form of some clean anger to clarify issues in relationship and clear the decks.
The time of her return to direct motion is 5.30am this Sunday and if you pay attention, you’ll notice the shift of energy that day. Usually when a planet goes direct after a period in retrograde motion, there is a distinct feeling of release and relief as things that have been troublesome and stuck start clearing and moving forwards again. …
But just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Mars comes in to stir things up a little more and add some excitement to our life. Here’s how it looks over the next few weeks:
April 15: Mars conjunct Uranus 24 Pisces
April 18: Venus Direct 29 Pisces
April 22: Venus conjunct Mars 29 Pisces
April 23: Mars into Aries
April 24: Venus back into Aries again
April 27: Mars in Aries square Pluto
May 3: Venus in Aries square Pluto
And then…..
May 24: Jupiter conjunct Chiron 26 Aquarius
May 28: Jupiter conjunct Neptune 26 Aquarius
So relationship dynamics will continue to be passionate and forthright. Its helpful to be very aware of your anger and frustration and make sure you have healthy clean daily outlets for its expression – long vigorous walks, visits to the gym, mountain climbing, long-distance swimming, marathon cycling, lots of sex etc. By all means speak your mind (it’ll be difficult not to), but know that there may be consequences.
On a positive note, remember that this is just energy moving – it’s neither good nor bad in itself. It’s just life expressing itself through you, so no point in trying to stop it. To block and control this energy will likely result in migraines, accidents and physical injury. So express yourself in the most simple, clear and honest way you can without causing too much hurt and damage, and dance, laugh and dance some more.
Energy like this has a purpose and with Mars and Aries, it’s a call to courage and action. Enjoy.
Friday, 17 April 2009
Is it Friday already????
Oh wow. I dont know where this week has gone.
I was wandering around this morning, in my jarmies, tidying up and wiping things over when my mobile rang. It was my Friday boss, (who has been a friend of mine for 20 odd years and is very casual, thank the Goddess). He said, "are you coming in today???". AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH. Gulp. "What day is it??" I say. "Friday, all day". OMG. Here it was, Friday, I was meant to go to work. And I TOTALLY forgot. Lucky he is casual. Lucky he is my friend. He told all the boys though. and they ripped me off all day.
DAMN.
And there went a day of peace. A day of peace that I had planned all week. I am not used to going to work in school holidays, that is all. I was completely caught unawares.
Never mind. It is over now. I did the day. AND I managed to leap a major hurdle re the computer bookkeeping program that he uses that I have had to teach myself. Yay. All good. Sigh of relief.
In other news
Yesterday was my boys ninth birthday. We had a nice day. He had the last day of his soccer clinic yesterday. Excellent. A day with friends and I didnt have to organise a thing. We went to MacDonalds for dinner. Along with Nanna. All good. Fun and laughter. Most excellent mum and kids bonding time.
Here are some pictures of my boy so far.... gorgeous huh?
I was wandering around this morning, in my jarmies, tidying up and wiping things over when my mobile rang. It was my Friday boss, (who has been a friend of mine for 20 odd years and is very casual, thank the Goddess). He said, "are you coming in today???". AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH. Gulp. "What day is it??" I say. "Friday, all day". OMG. Here it was, Friday, I was meant to go to work. And I TOTALLY forgot. Lucky he is casual. Lucky he is my friend. He told all the boys though. and they ripped me off all day.
DAMN.
And there went a day of peace. A day of peace that I had planned all week. I am not used to going to work in school holidays, that is all. I was completely caught unawares.
Never mind. It is over now. I did the day. AND I managed to leap a major hurdle re the computer bookkeeping program that he uses that I have had to teach myself. Yay. All good. Sigh of relief.
In other news
Yesterday was my boys ninth birthday. We had a nice day. He had the last day of his soccer clinic yesterday. Excellent. A day with friends and I didnt have to organise a thing. We went to MacDonalds for dinner. Along with Nanna. All good. Fun and laughter. Most excellent mum and kids bonding time.
Here are some pictures of my boy so far.... gorgeous huh?
He is a beautiful boy. He tests my resolve on occasion. And is as stubbornly headstrong as any Aries. But he is gorgeous and loving and he will still climb into my lap for a snuggle.
I am blessed, totally.
Ok - will go and read for a while before hitting the sack.
Love to you all.
I love you guys. I am feeling so blessed and lucky to have such a worldwide group of friends. Friends that are so inspirational and clever and supportive. Friends who are facing their own challenges yet still find the time to connect with me. Blessed I am.
I am blessed in so many ways.
hugs
Mwa
xoxo
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
What day is it.....??
I dont know what day it is.
Oh yes, Tuesday.
Boy child has a soccer clinic all week, starts at 9am. Poo. There goes my sleep in.
Husband off work too. Stuffed his back somehow. Physiotherapist today did her thing. Will do it again tomorrow. Hopefully he will go back to work on Thursday.
Tired. Soooo tired.
Sorry. Too tired to think.
I dont think I have any news to pass on anyway, so I might just go to bed.
Until we meet again
Take care
xoxo
mwa.
Oh yes, Tuesday.
Boy child has a soccer clinic all week, starts at 9am. Poo. There goes my sleep in.
Husband off work too. Stuffed his back somehow. Physiotherapist today did her thing. Will do it again tomorrow. Hopefully he will go back to work on Thursday.
Tired. Soooo tired.
Sorry. Too tired to think.
I dont think I have any news to pass on anyway, so I might just go to bed.
Until we meet again
Take care
xoxo
mwa.
Monday, 13 April 2009
Guilt and Suspicion
Guilt.
Something I have grown up with. Something I have been ruled by from childhood by my well meaning and loving mother.
My mum, for whatever reason, used guilt to make us do what she wanted. She still does it. Or tries i anyway. I am so onto her now. I dont let it take me over anymore. I used to buy into it BIG TIME. My brother is still totally so sucked in by it that he is actually avoiding her as much as he can. Sad really.
Sadder still is......
Oh dear, this is really hard to admit.
I have just realised that I have unknowingly allowed this to creep into my communications with my daughters.
I am repeating a pattern that I HATE.
WTF.
Another thing that she used to do was be soooo suspicious of EVERYTHING I did. There was always 1000 questions and she didnt accept my truthful answers. I hated that too.
I also find myself doing that.
Oh NOOOOOOOOOOO.
I have to stop it AND NOW.
I guess I must have done something to make her mistrust me. I know that my daughters have been caught out doing the wrong thing and lying about it. Still. Its the questioning thing. I can see/hear/feel it frustrating them just as it frustrated me.
Ok.
So to move on.
Is it just a matter of pushing down the feelings of suspicion that well up in me. Push them down and pretend they dont exist.. like, 'fake it till you make it' type thing.
I am losing a battle here. A battle that I desperately want to win. A battle that should be easy. Yet I notice the few negative things regarding the way I was parented are present in my parenting.
I had a good childhood. My parents did not divorce. We were loved dearly and not subjected to abuse. We were provided with everything that we needed plus more. The suspicion and the guilt thing, they were really the only things that I remember hurting me. I dont get it.
So, I know I am rambling here, I guess I am just 'thinking' aloud. So, thanks if you have stuck with me this far - not too much longer I promise.....
What do I do now??
How to heal??
I will journal the feelings I guess. That would be a start. And I could make a SoulCollage card of them. Yes, good plan.
Ok - I will do those things and get back to you on it.
Thanks
Jen
xoxo
Something I have grown up with. Something I have been ruled by from childhood by my well meaning and loving mother.
My mum, for whatever reason, used guilt to make us do what she wanted. She still does it. Or tries i anyway. I am so onto her now. I dont let it take me over anymore. I used to buy into it BIG TIME. My brother is still totally so sucked in by it that he is actually avoiding her as much as he can. Sad really.
Sadder still is......
Oh dear, this is really hard to admit.
I have just realised that I have unknowingly allowed this to creep into my communications with my daughters.
I am repeating a pattern that I HATE.
WTF.
Another thing that she used to do was be soooo suspicious of EVERYTHING I did. There was always 1000 questions and she didnt accept my truthful answers. I hated that too.
I also find myself doing that.
Oh NOOOOOOOOOOO.
I have to stop it AND NOW.
I guess I must have done something to make her mistrust me. I know that my daughters have been caught out doing the wrong thing and lying about it. Still. Its the questioning thing. I can see/hear/feel it frustrating them just as it frustrated me.
Ok.
So to move on.
Is it just a matter of pushing down the feelings of suspicion that well up in me. Push them down and pretend they dont exist.. like, 'fake it till you make it' type thing.
I am losing a battle here. A battle that I desperately want to win. A battle that should be easy. Yet I notice the few negative things regarding the way I was parented are present in my parenting.
I had a good childhood. My parents did not divorce. We were loved dearly and not subjected to abuse. We were provided with everything that we needed plus more. The suspicion and the guilt thing, they were really the only things that I remember hurting me. I dont get it.
So, I know I am rambling here, I guess I am just 'thinking' aloud. So, thanks if you have stuck with me this far - not too much longer I promise.....
What do I do now??
How to heal??
I will journal the feelings I guess. That would be a start. And I could make a SoulCollage card of them. Yes, good plan.
Ok - I will do those things and get back to you on it.
Thanks
Jen
xoxo
Sunday, 12 April 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA!!!
"Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one."
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one."
- Unknown
- Chili Davis
- Oscar Wilde
- Brigitte Bardot
- Maurice Chevalier
- Oscar Wilde
- Jane Wagner
- Jim Eason
- Unknown
- Tom Wilson
I hope you have a great day my friend....
Birthday hugs
xoxo
Birthday hugs
xoxo
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Thursday
Was spent driving... oh, and working.
Have not finished driving yet... and the time is 9.41pm. Still have to pick up eldest from work at Maccas.
Have had a good day today. A lot of grief was felt yesterday. I recognised the signs and I guess it is partly the hopes and dreams I have had for her that I was grieving. I was having a hard time vaulting over my fear of her motivationlessly sitting watching telly for the rest of her life to see what was on the other side. I am still concerned about her tendency towards laziness, but can see that there are many many options open to her, school is not the only one as was so beautifully presented to me yesterday.
I must try to get some level of control over that... my tendency to panic at the first sign of the boat going off course.... I used to be such a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of girl. Now I am just an uptight old control freak I think. Sad really.
Communication lines have been cracked open, and she has indicated that she might like to further her education at TAFE, or look into it anyway. Promising. Excellent.
Another situation to manouver through.
Will do what we need to do.
Of course....
I am looking forward to a time in my life when I can just sit back and coast for a while. I know, no pain without growth and no growth without pain. But still. Coasting just for a while would be really really nice. Sigh.
IN other news...
School holidays start today.
Oh, am sooo looking forward to a couple of weeks without the structured morning routines. The having to be organised. The cracking the whip to get everyone out the door on time. Love that bit.
The moon. I am her biggest fan. (yes, the title is mine). Here is a picture I took this evening. I enhanced it a bit... but still does not compare with Mother Nature in all her glory. And she was SPECTACULAR this evening.
Happy Easter to all. May the bunny come along and leave chocolate droppings all over your lawn.
Just then I recieved St Theresa's prayer - a good one to remember. Here it is
Oh yes.
On that note, will sign off.
Hugs and love to you my sisters.
Have not finished driving yet... and the time is 9.41pm. Still have to pick up eldest from work at Maccas.
Have had a good day today. A lot of grief was felt yesterday. I recognised the signs and I guess it is partly the hopes and dreams I have had for her that I was grieving. I was having a hard time vaulting over my fear of her motivationlessly sitting watching telly for the rest of her life to see what was on the other side. I am still concerned about her tendency towards laziness, but can see that there are many many options open to her, school is not the only one as was so beautifully presented to me yesterday.
I must try to get some level of control over that... my tendency to panic at the first sign of the boat going off course.... I used to be such a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of girl. Now I am just an uptight old control freak I think. Sad really.
Communication lines have been cracked open, and she has indicated that she might like to further her education at TAFE, or look into it anyway. Promising. Excellent.
Another situation to manouver through.
Will do what we need to do.
Of course....
I am looking forward to a time in my life when I can just sit back and coast for a while. I know, no pain without growth and no growth without pain. But still. Coasting just for a while would be really really nice. Sigh.
IN other news...
School holidays start today.
Oh, am sooo looking forward to a couple of weeks without the structured morning routines. The having to be organised. The cracking the whip to get everyone out the door on time. Love that bit.
The moon. I am her biggest fan. (yes, the title is mine). Here is a picture I took this evening. I enhanced it a bit... but still does not compare with Mother Nature in all her glory. And she was SPECTACULAR this evening.
Happy Easter to all. May the bunny come along and leave chocolate droppings all over your lawn.
Just then I recieved St Theresa's prayer - a good one to remember. Here it is
May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are
exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinate
possibilities that are born of faith in youself and in others. May you use
the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been
given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let
this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.
exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinate
possibilities that are born of faith in youself and in others. May you use
the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been
given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let
this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.
Oh yes.
On that note, will sign off.
Hugs and love to you my sisters.
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
What do you do.....
What do you do
What do you do with a kid that is dropping out of school because of 'social' reasons. Who is within 18 months of finishing Year 12. Who has reached the end of Term 1 this year and says she isnt going back.
She is hating school with a passion. She has been struggling to drag herself every day so far this year. I have to admit that I was doubtful whether she would even start the year. I thought that if she got there and found it wasnt as scary as she thought, she might finish. She is not an academic kid. She gets good marks because she works really really hard. Her marks are good, but she is far from the top of the class. High average I would say.
So she was never going to be a brain surgeoun.
She has quite bad self esteem She is extremely self conscious and has a melt down if things arent perfect. ( and they often arent, due to her high standards) She judges herself mercilessly and cannot cope with the slightest embarrasment.
But what will become of her now.
She is without motivation. She is down on herself. She has closed up and will not talk about it. At all. She is influenced by older friends. Friends that have already finished school (or dropped out previously).
This is more then me trying to 'control'.
This has far reaching consequences. Not least financial ones.
I see her chances of getting a job pretty slim. Due mainly to the fact of her poor attendance record over the last few months. I see her sitting on her arse watching movies day in - day out. I see that REALLY REALLY pissing me off.
I wish she had a passion and was out to pursue it. I wish she had a passion.
She seems apathetic and lazy. Motivationless and angry.
I have put into place consequences to these actions and that is fine. It is a cost she is willing to pay (now!!, will see later on)
It is my head that is trapped in the endless 'what if's'. My mind that fruitlessly seeks conclusion. I detest situations that are left hanging. I want to know how things will pan out and I want to know NOW!!!!!!!
Control freak issues.... yes probably
This is my baby. My first baby that I love with all of my heart.
I so do not want to see her throw her life away. It is hers to throw, I know. But in the meantime, it will affect each and every one of us here in the family. Thats not fair.
She is worth soooo much more.
But, you cant put an old head on young shoulders.
We have all (well most of us... well at least ME anyway) made mistakes. We have made errors of judgement. And who knows, what may seem like a mistake now, may turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to her. Sigh. I hope so.
I just want her to be happy and me not to be stressed.
And YES Lisa, I am taking my tablets.
P.S. - (For my non Australian readers, school starts here in the last week of January for the school year. We have four 10 week terms, with roughly two week breaks in between. And then about a 6 week break at christmas (our summer). Kids start kinder at age 5, then go through years 1 - 12. After that is further education if desired. Years 11 and 12 are not 'compulsory' but in this day and age, you really need them to be competitive in the job market, my daughter has just made it to the end of term 1 of year 11)
What do you do with a kid that is dropping out of school because of 'social' reasons. Who is within 18 months of finishing Year 12. Who has reached the end of Term 1 this year and says she isnt going back.
She is hating school with a passion. She has been struggling to drag herself every day so far this year. I have to admit that I was doubtful whether she would even start the year. I thought that if she got there and found it wasnt as scary as she thought, she might finish. She is not an academic kid. She gets good marks because she works really really hard. Her marks are good, but she is far from the top of the class. High average I would say.
So she was never going to be a brain surgeoun.
She has quite bad self esteem She is extremely self conscious and has a melt down if things arent perfect. ( and they often arent, due to her high standards) She judges herself mercilessly and cannot cope with the slightest embarrasment.
But what will become of her now.
She is without motivation. She is down on herself. She has closed up and will not talk about it. At all. She is influenced by older friends. Friends that have already finished school (or dropped out previously).
This is more then me trying to 'control'.
This has far reaching consequences. Not least financial ones.
I see her chances of getting a job pretty slim. Due mainly to the fact of her poor attendance record over the last few months. I see her sitting on her arse watching movies day in - day out. I see that REALLY REALLY pissing me off.
I wish she had a passion and was out to pursue it. I wish she had a passion.
She seems apathetic and lazy. Motivationless and angry.
I have put into place consequences to these actions and that is fine. It is a cost she is willing to pay (now!!, will see later on)
It is my head that is trapped in the endless 'what if's'. My mind that fruitlessly seeks conclusion. I detest situations that are left hanging. I want to know how things will pan out and I want to know NOW!!!!!!!
Control freak issues.... yes probably
This is my baby. My first baby that I love with all of my heart.
I so do not want to see her throw her life away. It is hers to throw, I know. But in the meantime, it will affect each and every one of us here in the family. Thats not fair.
She is worth soooo much more.
But, you cant put an old head on young shoulders.
We have all (well most of us... well at least ME anyway) made mistakes. We have made errors of judgement. And who knows, what may seem like a mistake now, may turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to her. Sigh. I hope so.
I just want her to be happy and me not to be stressed.
And YES Lisa, I am taking my tablets.
P.S. - (For my non Australian readers, school starts here in the last week of January for the school year. We have four 10 week terms, with roughly two week breaks in between. And then about a 6 week break at christmas (our summer). Kids start kinder at age 5, then go through years 1 - 12. After that is further education if desired. Years 11 and 12 are not 'compulsory' but in this day and age, you really need them to be competitive in the job market, my daughter has just made it to the end of term 1 of year 11)
Monday, 6 April 2009
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Photo's... finally
This is the Motel we stayed at, right on the top floor.. great views, great service, great people, great price. Recommended for sure.
Here is the room we stayed in - two queen sized beds and they made up the sofa that Egan is sitting on so we could all fit. The robes and slippers (of which there was only two sets) were straight on the girls.
This is the view northish. (not so good with directions). The clock tower is on Central Station.
We went for a walk to Darling Harbout area on the first afternoon.
Here is a shot of the outside of the Chinese Gardens of Friendship. It was closed when we got there, but it is even very beautiful from the outside. This is in the heart of Sydney and very pretty.
We stopped for tea and sat outside finishing our drinks (and to text message someone)
The view from where we were sitting across Darling Harbour
Back to our room and here is the view southish.
On the way to Taronga Zoo across Sydney Harbour Bridge. It doesnt matter how many times I go over this bridge, it is still pretty special. Then again, we are kinda 'small town hicks' and dont get out much!!!
Then to the zoo
Egan with his head in some photo opportunity ears of some kind.
Meer Cats are always a hit. Soooo cute
Fairy penguins are cute too - this was from a tunnel under where they were playing.
This is an ampitheatre thing into the seal tank. No seals were evident but I love this picture anyway. Egan is the one seated on the floor in the middle.
Another photo opportunity hippo thingy. Strike a pose everyone.
In the Thai area there was this offering shrine. This is sooo beautiful and I want one for myself.
This tiger was pacing back and forth looking at us hungrily. Quite scary. Glad of the thick glass between us.
This was a window grill entering a bird aviary. Very beautiful and I want some of these too.
We got to the bottom and caught a cable car back up to the top. My legs were absolutely killing me by this time. Anyone who knows me would not believe that I went on this thing. This photo is proof. Was absolutely shitting myself the whole time and freaking out when the kids were trying to rock it on purpose. Aggghhhh. Was sooooo glad it only lasted a couple of minutes.
This is just a very small sample of the pictures I took in Sydney last weekend. In total, I took probably 500 odd photos while we were down there. Unfortunately I didnt get any of the crowds on the streets but I was too scared to pull my camera out. It was quite angry and intense and we had already been screamed at for 'staring' at one psycho (we werent!!) and thought the camera might bring more weirdo's out of hiding.
Friday, 3 April 2009
Thank you....
Oh I am sooooo blessed.
I really am.
I was hesitant to blog more whinging. I dont like being negative. I was always a really positive person - finding the light side of most of what life threw at me. I considered myself a 'cup half full kind of girl'.
I dont think of myself that way anymore and am quite upset by that. I WANT to be positive. I WANT to be happy. I just obviously ALLOW myself to fall into despair. I have been looking after others for so long that I have forgotten to look after myself. Mother burnout.
I have taken some steps towards change. I have put in some more rules and consequences that make sense and I think we can make progress with these.
I have written extensive notes since yesterday. Just everything that came into my head. Some things came up there that I wasnt expecting. Straightened some things out in my head. Good. All good.
Still. The support. I now fully appreciate and understand why I am soooo addicted to blogger. People from all over the wide world who take the time to write a note of support for me when I was so down. On a level I kind of knew it would happen... in fact I was sort of counting on the support from you guys to get me going again. The level of support that actually came through blew my mind. I have printed them all out and have referred to them numerous times since. When I need a boost I look at them.... pathetic I suppose, but oh it has worked for me so I dont care.
I have a folder of things now. Your comments. Some little notes like kids write about how much they love me, so I dont forget that. I have some journalling. Some SoulCollage cards.
I have also been drawing a tarot card of the day. Yesterday I drew The Magician. I took it to mean that the situation as it stands is karmic and a necessary step for evolutionary growth. The support of the heavens is pouring down through me and I have all the tools at my disposal. I am supported by the universe.
A good card for this day. Excellent.
Today I drew the Hierophant. The channeller of Grace. I read this today to watch, listen and learn. Because information would be given to me from a third party regarding the situation. Indeed it was. Most excellent. An alliance was made and an offer of support was extended. Most excellent.
All good.
All in all, on the up and up. Miss 14 x trouble is on a sleepover birthday party - (legit... I checked) and so pressure is eased all through the house. We are all able to gather our strength for a day or so before she comes back.
I have taken my tablets TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!! Go me. lol. Oh so hopeful and positive.
With such might behind me, how could I fail.
Love you my new friends
Love you too my old friends
And while I am in the mood - I love my friends yet to be.
Thank you
I will post my Sydney photos tomorrow. I promise.
Hugs
xoxo
Check out this moon astrology page if you are so inclined.. good stuff here
http://www.academy-of-psychics.com.au/moon.html
xoxo
I really am.
I was hesitant to blog more whinging. I dont like being negative. I was always a really positive person - finding the light side of most of what life threw at me. I considered myself a 'cup half full kind of girl'.
I dont think of myself that way anymore and am quite upset by that. I WANT to be positive. I WANT to be happy. I just obviously ALLOW myself to fall into despair. I have been looking after others for so long that I have forgotten to look after myself. Mother burnout.
I have taken some steps towards change. I have put in some more rules and consequences that make sense and I think we can make progress with these.
I have written extensive notes since yesterday. Just everything that came into my head. Some things came up there that I wasnt expecting. Straightened some things out in my head. Good. All good.
Still. The support. I now fully appreciate and understand why I am soooo addicted to blogger. People from all over the wide world who take the time to write a note of support for me when I was so down. On a level I kind of knew it would happen... in fact I was sort of counting on the support from you guys to get me going again. The level of support that actually came through blew my mind. I have printed them all out and have referred to them numerous times since. When I need a boost I look at them.... pathetic I suppose, but oh it has worked for me so I dont care.
I have a folder of things now. Your comments. Some little notes like kids write about how much they love me, so I dont forget that. I have some journalling. Some SoulCollage cards.
I have also been drawing a tarot card of the day. Yesterday I drew The Magician. I took it to mean that the situation as it stands is karmic and a necessary step for evolutionary growth. The support of the heavens is pouring down through me and I have all the tools at my disposal. I am supported by the universe.
A good card for this day. Excellent.
Today I drew the Hierophant. The channeller of Grace. I read this today to watch, listen and learn. Because information would be given to me from a third party regarding the situation. Indeed it was. Most excellent. An alliance was made and an offer of support was extended. Most excellent.
All good.
All in all, on the up and up. Miss 14 x trouble is on a sleepover birthday party - (legit... I checked) and so pressure is eased all through the house. We are all able to gather our strength for a day or so before she comes back.
I have taken my tablets TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!! Go me. lol. Oh so hopeful and positive.
With such might behind me, how could I fail.
Love you my new friends
Love you too my old friends
And while I am in the mood - I love my friends yet to be.
Thank you
I will post my Sydney photos tomorrow. I promise.
Hugs
xoxo
Check out this moon astrology page if you are so inclined.. good stuff here
http://www.academy-of-psychics.com.au/moon.html
xoxo
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Emotional
Oh it has been a pretty tough few days here.
I have two teenage daughters who have quite severe emotional issues of their own, and for some reason they have chosen me to guide them through childhood this time.
I am a very sensitive person who takes things to heart and who needs a bit of time to recover from an upset. I also need to feel accepted and appreciated. This is who I am.
The last couple of years have been hard going. Teenage years are very challenging for everyone involved. I think I am finding them more challenging then I expected because I find myself going through some kind of depression. Not bad depression that makes me suicidal or withdrawn. But depression that has affected my coping skills. I tend to fall to pieces where once I would have stood firm. I used to be a strong and independent. I still am in some ways. Yet emotionally, i am a bit of a wreck. I cant quite stand back up before one of them knocks me back down. I know, I know... I have to let them. And for some reason I do.
For instance.. today. Today was going to be my first day of peace and quiet and solitude for weeks. Either one of the kids have been home or my hubby was on a late shift that meant he has been home during the day. I am a person that NEEDS to have some time alone to gather myself. Today. Was to be MY day. No kids. No men. No one. To do what I want. Or nothing if I want. To sing loud. To burn sage. To chant. To play my 'daggy' music. No pressure. No criticism. Bliss. Now, miss 16 - whose hair wouldnt sit right and whose clothes wouldnt fit right has had a dummy spit and refused to go to school. Well I totally lost it. I was DEVASTATED. I totally lost it.
So I feel sad now. And quite 'invaded'. That isnt the right word....
A year or so ago, my doctor prescribed for me some anti depressents. I took them for a while, but then stopped. I didnt really feel they worked much for me. I am not a good taker of tablets. I tend to forget them a lot. I kept forgetting to take them and well.... you know. Just stopped.
I took one this morning. I am going to continue to take them. Every day. Well... mostly every day (lets be realistic here)
I think I need to get some help here with my emotional stress. I cant carry on like this for much longer....
Dont get me wrong.. I am not walking around sad and miserable all the time. Its just that if something goes wrong. Or someone gets angry or defiant or unreasonable or nasty or whatever teenagers do, I just lose it. And it takes me a long time to recover.. like a day or two from a big upset. I am a wreck for quite a while. And during that time, they seem to keep kicking me while I am down. Which prolongs the agony. Most of what they do is typical teenage girl stuff. I know this. It is pretty normal. Mostly.... its my reaction that can sometimes make things worse. Who am I kidding.. it does make it worse.. I know this.
My aim is to build myself up..
To regain my strength.
I am seeking to understand what it is exactly that is missing or corrupted in my life. What is destablising me. How do I begin to unwind this coiled spring that I am. What will bring me back to centre. I will make it my business to understand these things and build myself back up. I potentially could be looking at 5 or 6 more years of this kind of emotional turmoil in the house and if I keep on the way I am going now, I fear I will not survive.
I will also go right now and make myself a bottle of drops (Aust Bush Flower Essences) to support myself. This is a support system that I seriously under utilise, no longer. I make this promise to myself that I will bring into line everything I can to heal myself.
I must
I cannot go on like this
Thank you for letting me rant and whinge
Love you guys.....
I have two teenage daughters who have quite severe emotional issues of their own, and for some reason they have chosen me to guide them through childhood this time.
I am a very sensitive person who takes things to heart and who needs a bit of time to recover from an upset. I also need to feel accepted and appreciated. This is who I am.
The last couple of years have been hard going. Teenage years are very challenging for everyone involved. I think I am finding them more challenging then I expected because I find myself going through some kind of depression. Not bad depression that makes me suicidal or withdrawn. But depression that has affected my coping skills. I tend to fall to pieces where once I would have stood firm. I used to be a strong and independent. I still am in some ways. Yet emotionally, i am a bit of a wreck. I cant quite stand back up before one of them knocks me back down. I know, I know... I have to let them. And for some reason I do.
For instance.. today. Today was going to be my first day of peace and quiet and solitude for weeks. Either one of the kids have been home or my hubby was on a late shift that meant he has been home during the day. I am a person that NEEDS to have some time alone to gather myself. Today. Was to be MY day. No kids. No men. No one. To do what I want. Or nothing if I want. To sing loud. To burn sage. To chant. To play my 'daggy' music. No pressure. No criticism. Bliss. Now, miss 16 - whose hair wouldnt sit right and whose clothes wouldnt fit right has had a dummy spit and refused to go to school. Well I totally lost it. I was DEVASTATED. I totally lost it.
So I feel sad now. And quite 'invaded'. That isnt the right word....
A year or so ago, my doctor prescribed for me some anti depressents. I took them for a while, but then stopped. I didnt really feel they worked much for me. I am not a good taker of tablets. I tend to forget them a lot. I kept forgetting to take them and well.... you know. Just stopped.
I took one this morning. I am going to continue to take them. Every day. Well... mostly every day (lets be realistic here)
I think I need to get some help here with my emotional stress. I cant carry on like this for much longer....
Dont get me wrong.. I am not walking around sad and miserable all the time. Its just that if something goes wrong. Or someone gets angry or defiant or unreasonable or nasty or whatever teenagers do, I just lose it. And it takes me a long time to recover.. like a day or two from a big upset. I am a wreck for quite a while. And during that time, they seem to keep kicking me while I am down. Which prolongs the agony. Most of what they do is typical teenage girl stuff. I know this. It is pretty normal. Mostly.... its my reaction that can sometimes make things worse. Who am I kidding.. it does make it worse.. I know this.
My aim is to build myself up..
To regain my strength.
I am seeking to understand what it is exactly that is missing or corrupted in my life. What is destablising me. How do I begin to unwind this coiled spring that I am. What will bring me back to centre. I will make it my business to understand these things and build myself back up. I potentially could be looking at 5 or 6 more years of this kind of emotional turmoil in the house and if I keep on the way I am going now, I fear I will not survive.
I will also go right now and make myself a bottle of drops (Aust Bush Flower Essences) to support myself. This is a support system that I seriously under utilise, no longer. I make this promise to myself that I will bring into line everything I can to heal myself.
I must
I cannot go on like this
Thank you for letting me rant and whinge
Love you guys.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)