Sunday, 1 February 2009

hrumph

It has been a day of disappointments. A day of realising that some things that I hold dear dont regard me in their top ten at all... maybe not even their top one hundred.

Very disturbing and quite distressing really.

A crystallised moment in time when I was left standing while everything else just fell away and shattered on the floor around me.

Further to the see saw day of yesterday - this one was like the slippery dip into the abyss.

Strange - i was seeing on the fringes of what was left that which is positive for me.

Like a stripping away of all that doesnt serve... which is good!! But when it slams you in the back of the head, caught unawares was I.......

I feel incredibly raw and super sensitive, and my trust for what I can see and feel has plunged to an almost non existant level.

If only I knew where I was heading.... If only I knew where to trust....

Part of my (a pretty big part actually) just wants to pack the car and drive without stopping.

The robot part is just going through the motions, washing, cooking, etc... trying not to feel.

sigh

s'ok - I have a straw and can find some air from being face down in this pile of shit.

one day at a time.......

:)

11 comments:

Rylah/Jacqui said...

Sorry you're stuck in this Jen.

The problem with running away is you're still there when you get there...

I hope you feel better soon. I wish I could give you a big hug. If you're ever in the area, drop in. Or you can call or email anytime, as you know.

Take care
xxx

dragonesque said...

Oh, Jen. I'm not sure what you're going through but I'm sending you love and positive energy.
*hugs* to you!
Wendy

Lisa said...

dont understand a word of this but sending copious love energy your way sss

Natalie said...

It seems to me that the people you hold in high esteem, that place you low on their Richter scale, are just
not thinking straight ~ if at all.

Who wouldn't see what an honest and very clever person of profound capabilities you are?

Has it occurred to you that the tip of the mountain is reserved for the angels to land on, and not just anybody is allowed to park there?

Maybe you have lost your way and have parked your wings in the wrong parking lot. Hmmm...

Myst_72 said...

I'm so sorry for whatever has happened Jen,

thinking of you,

G
xx

Anonymous said...

Yeah the buck stops with us and how we feel about ourselves...I have had the most wonderful day yet have managed to end up feeling pretty awful and it is all about my own self image and self worth issues.....it does not take much to drop you over the edge.
I know that you have been having a full on time for a while now and its an awful feeling when you feel that who or what you trusted is not as it seems.
one day at a time...w.w.

Kathleen said...

I wanna come with you ... seriously!

Jen said...

Thank you sooo much everyone... Today feels much lighter, and like you said ww, one day at a time, which 'just so happens' to be the name of this blog.

Nat - Thank you soo much. I hardly feel worthy of that comment, but I guess that is the whole point isnt it. Thank you again (your parking space has your name spray painted on it)

Faerie - I will let you know when we are leaving.. ok??

Love to you all,
me
xoxo

Hippy Witch said...

Thinking of you with lots of love and smiles in my heart, people never know what they have till it's gone unfortunately. You will come through, have faith in you. Blessings coming your way.

Natalie said...

Hallo, love!

How's things been today with everything? Thinking of you.xxoo

Cyndy said...

OK Faerie & Jen.... Drive off into the sunset if you will, but please don't do a Thelma & Louise on us....
A metaphorical drive would be better.... I wouldn't want you to take Brad Pitt, though. Take someone infinitely yummier...

See-saws have never been my favorite play-thing....

Love to you ;0)