Wednesday, 30 December 2009

the sun is high in the sky in 2010

The shadow is only an absence of light. The brilliant light of 2010 will vanquish any traces of shadows.

I will continue my saga….

Giving more thought to all of this last night instead of sleeping (:S) i realised one more thing.

I mentioned that one of my significant friendships broke down. I realised last night that I had three very important friendships in my life. I already mentioned that one broke down. Another moved to Canberra - a long distance friendship is possible but hard to maintain - so that gradually lost its intensity. The last one reunited with her partner - and became smitten with him again, and whatever energy that she had available for me was seriously declined.

So - I was very very alone by the end of 2005. More alone then I realised. Sigh.

Alone and things that are already big look HUGE. Alone and problems become insurmountable. Doubt - my worst enemy was undermining me at every step. Others were undermining me too. My husband would say to me things like “no wonder the kids are so screwed up with you raising them”. I rail against these remarks but I have no comeback. In a sense he is right. Only because of my  utter indecision was making me weak - or appear weak at least. Its like the strong and vibrant me had been trapped inside. Trapped there with no way to make herself heard. She is looking out from behind my eyes and cannot believe what she sees.

Actually, I get to this point and I realise that I have reached the core of it. The whole basis of this thing.

I was isolated, and alone. I had to make lots of choices and decisions. Everything rested upon my shoulders. This was fine to start with, but as my support systems began dropping off, and my rocks began to crumble. When the weight I was carrying became heavier and harder to understand. I had no one to bounce anything off. I had no one to help me stand back up again when i was knocked over.

Maybe the very first panic attack, two hours out of Canberra, driving away from my last remaining rock, was what tipped me over the edge. I didn't think of it that way, and was excited for her and boost to her career that the move down there signified.

I wasn't worried about the driving either. I was an extremely confident driver and would drive anywhere in anything. I wasn't worried about Sydney traffic either.

I have been mystified ever since, what triggered that first attack.

hmmmm - well……. ok


how interesting.


So now I know. It feels right.  For whatever reason, I had to go through this period of time - this period where I was almost completely dismantled. I was able to function but was so stressed and uncertain that I allowed others to come in to my space and tear me to even more shreds.

I have risen above a lot of this already. My progress has been slow but steady. Hampered by my lack of confidence in my self - lack of conviction - and lack of support. I must learn to rely on no one. I must stop yearning for someone to stand by my side because it just isn't going to happen.

I have built a support system around me again. I have probably kept them a little at arms length though, because the ones that I have let all the way in have been taken from me, time and time again. So a support system of incredible women. Women who are goddesses in their own right. Women that I admire and respect enormously.

Women that I must learn from - as much as I can.

I know it probably seems too simple. An anticlimax maybe?? To me it is like a bolt from the blue.


First of all I must make sure it doesn't happen again.

Secondly I must take steps to build up my confidence.

But most of all - I need to find a way to get the communications through the fuzzy grey stuff between my daughters and myself.

Shine my light so brightly. 


Let that be the mantra of 2010.

Shining my light so brightly that there can be no shadows.

Blessed be


Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Outrunning the shadow of 2005

A shadow. I only just realised it was there. Actually, more to the point, I knew ‘it’ was there, I just didn't know what ‘it’ was. It was a year that has changed my life irrevocably.  The effects have been felt right to my very core, slowly but surely it has seeped into every area of my life.

I am writing this for myself. To document it, to try and puzzle more sense, because while I try and explain it to you, it becomes clearer in my head as well. This post may appear a little whiny or ‘poor me’ at times - I wont apologise for that. I am not after sympathy - I am just trying to get it straight in my head. And then I can commence running - or turn around and face it. Whatever is more appropriate.

It could get long though. I hope you have time. Refer to warnings of Deep Vein Thrombosis for sitting still too long in one place - move around a bit if necessary. :)


What happened in 2005. Several things.

  • My youngest child started kindergarten and my eldest started high school. Three kids in three schools. This also led to pressure for me to start working more then the 4 hours a week I had been doing previously.
  • I took my kids to the first of the ‘me and them, no dad’ holidays. This was due to his work commitments at the time - but has become the norm since. I drove us to Canberra to stay for a week with two different friends that had recently moved down there.
  • On the way home we were to stop at my elder brothers home in western Sydney for a night.
  • I started having panic attacks during the trip between Canberra and Sydney. I didn't know what they were so totally fed it. It ended up being a MAJOR attack with shortness of breath, chest pain, woozy head and severely heightened anxiety. This attack ended up lasting over 16 hours - three of which were spent stuck in a traffic jam that saw us taking three hours to travel about ten kilometres.  I honestly thought I was going to die. For some reason, I kept it all to myself and suffered in agonised silence.
  • A long standing significant friendship broke down.
  • My mothers health deteriorated to the point where I thought she only had months, if not weeks, to live. (I might add she is still alive and kicking - well, not kicking exactly, but alive)
  • My eldest child started ‘hanging with wolves’. This was when the first of several friendships with much older girls began. These girls were not ‘nice’ girls and had quite significant behavioural issues. My daughter had always been the quiet and subdued girl in the background. Emotional bullying had been consistent and relentless over the previous three - four years and settled down once they went to high school. All of a sudden, she had girls up to four and five years older then her hanging around. This set a pattern that lasts to this day.

I think that's about it. There were lots of other smaller offshoots that were caused by the above points - but there are the basic issues.

Like ripples in a pond - slowly and surely I have allowed that annus horribilis to affect me.

I guess the biggest and most debilitating thing is the panic attacks. I suffered them in silence for quite a number of months, even years (?), before I was describing the feelings to Michelle and she gave a name to what it was I was feeling. I had suffered while driving, while in crowds, while shopping, during ‘intense’ conversations…. although they were lessening over time and becoming less and less intense. I was able to make sure I didn't get myself into situations where I knew I would have trouble. I would stand in the doorway of the hall during school assembly (on the odd occasion that I had to go), instead of sitting with the other parents in the chairs. White lighting myself helped, but had to be constantly visualised, the moment my attention lapsed, bang, back it would come.

These feelings of powerlessness and being out of control seriously undermined my self esteem (which was already on the shaky side), made me doubt myself in almost every area. I started second guessing myself, questioning my own decisions and ability to cope. My daughters, mainly the eldest, who was already beginning her ‘rebellious stage’ (she is still in this stage), sensed my indecision and pounced on any crack in my resolve and used it against me. A vicious circle of over reaction and badly handled tantrums ensued, and continued to wear away at whatever resolve I had. Gradually I started to regain control over myself and begin to mend the damage to our relationship, but I fear that full healing is a long way off yet. I cant get through to the eldest, and it seems that there is a permanent ‘fuzzy grey area’ between us, and any communications passing through this area get mixed up and mis-understood - offence is often taken where none is intended. Plus she has the horrendous bad attitude of a 17 year old.

Powerlessness is the key word here. Powerlessness and indecision.

I have spent some time talking to a psychologist about this. She explained to me the physical reasons for panic attacks. She also talked to me about how to prevent one from occurring and how to stop one if it starts. I can do all that now. The damage was done though. It was done during all that time that I was frightened and had no one to turn to. I was too afraid to go to my doctor, I hinted and touched on it with a couple of friends. I didn't tell the whole story to anyone though. I tried to tell my husband - he just scoffed at me and looked at me like I was an idiot. That didn't help. 

I think that is a big part of it too. I have no one that I can rely on. No one to help me when things get tough. Sure I have friends - but they are all going through their own shit and are all at some kind of ‘coal face’ themselves. What I mean about no support is this. My mother and mother in law are both too old to help. I have no other family here. I don't have a sister. My brother and his wife are too busy climbing the corporate ladder to worry about me, my other brother lives in another city. I have no aunts, or uncles and my cousins all live in other cities and states. Alone. No help - no one to come and watch the kids for me, or, more of a dream, to take them for the weekend to give me a bit of a break. I am not one to come forward and ask for help either. The harder things are for me, the more I isolate myself. This isn't a good thing really, but that's just how I am.

So here I am, alone and powerless. I feel myself sliding into the abyss and I don't know what to do about it. My husband decides that now is the time he would start to withdraw himself from me also. I cant explain it. Maybe he didn't know what to do - so he withdrew. This set his pattern that also continues to this day. A pattern that will culminate in my moving out soon and taking the kids with me. That's another story. My tenuous grip on controlling the wildly swinging teenage hormones is slipping and I sometimes resort to getting angry and yelling to try and stay in control. This fails miserably as we all know it does - however in the grip of it all, I cant think of anything else to do.

Time moves on and the kids grow older and their issues and situations grow with them. As they do.

I become involved in a group of very strong women who become one of my few remaining rocks. I wish from the start that they had known me before. I wish that they knew me when I was gutsy and strong. When I didn't take any shit from anyone and didn't care what anyone thought.  Well, within reason, you know. I was strong in my convictions, and my faith. I knew where I was coming from and embraced the mystery of what was to come. Don't get me wrong, I had lots of uncertain moments and made plenty of mistakes. I just didn't let them get me down and I learned from them. I wish you knew me then. Within that group I regrew some wings. Wings that were very different to the ones I had before, but wings nonetheless. Quietly and steadily I started to heal. Certain areas of my life I am very very strong. I have regained my faith in the universe and my own set of beliefs that take from and span almost every known creed in the universe. I am everything and I am nothing. So mote it be.

Other parts of me are way way less certain. I am ‘scratch and sniff’ emotions. They are so close to the surface 24/7 that it only took the slightest provocation and I would lose it. The camel was always one straw away from having a broken back. I was trapped in this dubious emotional state for at least  three years. To some extent it still haunts me. Although I am nowhere near as emotional I was before - thank the goddess - I am still far from where I was originally. I have always been a deep feeling person though. Even before I was a deep feeler and a deep thinker. This has been my undoing on numerous occasions. I have managed to drag myself away from the edge of that abyss so that I am not falling in with every slight and upset. Town crier - I have worn that badge for a while now. I guess I allowed myself to feel my feelings where I felt safe to do so - until I was told by one I trusted “oh stop crying, we are sick to death of it”. That snapped something in me - trust for one thing - and it made me keep it even further trapped indoors.


I am tired now - and I congratulate you if you have made it this far through this post. 

I will come back and finish it tomorrow. I promise.

There is so much more to tell. More to unravel. More to tie in.


The path to healing. That's how I see it. If I am to escape this shadow I must see it for what it truly is. old news.

I must get over it and move on.

Til tomorrow.


Sunday, 20 December 2009

bush challenge 2009!!!

This is our Christmas tree at nightIMG_4265

this is during the daylight hours




Saturday, 19 December 2009

today I am grateful for….

  • Hope. Hope and love. Hope that makes your heart swell with the promise of good things to come. I have been fortunate enough to be in the company of some lovely friends today - friends who we shared the gift of giving and hope for the future. Hope for a future that may not be as we all envisioned it a month ago, but one that will be wonderful nevertheless. I believe that hope is almost as important as faith. Mix it with love and you have a winning combination.
  • That my SPF shopping is done. totally done and dusted. All done, wrapped, and ready to go. So very good. It is amazing what a relief to know that I will not be sitting up at 2am on SPF morning, wrapping  - taking shortcuts with paper and tape. Very slack. Not this year - all done. Most excellent.
  • My sense of humour. This has seen me through some sticky situations.. a couple of which were today… it is amazing how  a laugh or even just a smile can diffuse a situation and make a very different outcome to where it was heading. Laughter certainly is a very powerful medicine.
  • These photos of Santa. Goodness me Santa, what a lovely body you have…. You would never have guessed that he had all this hiding beneath that red suit!! :) 

1 2346

Now that, ladies, is what it is all about….

Until tomorrow



Friday, 18 December 2009

Friday… faith

What a week it has been. What a couple of weeks really. There has been so much going on. So many words have been spoken.

There has been so much going on in my mind today. I think it might have been the coke I had to try and raise my energy levels - but truth be told, my mind us usually as busy any day. Some of the things I have been pondering today is about friendship. Friendship and loyalty. Understanding and looking at stuff from another's point of view. Also about expected outcomes - and how if an outcome ends up differently then we expected, then we twist the scenario to fit our expectation anyway. Very painful - but interesting in my study of human behaviour. Sometimes people that we love do some very unexpected and thoughtless things. I just wish that sometimes people would think before they spoke, acted, or hit the publish button. Sigh.

My north node in gemini in the sixth house is all about me looking at situations from the others point of view - so I guess it is second nature for me to try and understand the opinion of all involved.

Enough disappointment this week to last me a lifetime. Never mind. I will move on - and I am sure that the outcome will be greater then the sum of its parts.


I had a nice night at the Presentation Night for my middle daughters Collegiate on Wednesday night this week. She didn't get an award but she performed in the cheerleading group that she belongs to that I mentioned in a previous post. Here is a picture (thanks Nat!! - I forgot my camera) - she is the one furthest to the right hand side of the stage - partially obscured by the girl in front’s arm. They are used to performing on a full size gymnastics floor, and the stage the other night was about 6 times smaller. The area you can see in the photo is it - total floor space for performance. They did an awesome job though and showed what a professional unit they were in the face of adversity. Most excellent. I also had the pleasure of watching the daughters of some of my very dear friends getting academic awards - well done Caity and Kayla!!



I am going to enter the week before SPF with wishes and gratitude. My seven days of wishes :) -


Here is what I wish for myself.

I wish that my life is a bit boring. Boring as in - non drama. Boring as in not out of the ordinary in any way. I also wish that those that I share my life with, mainly the teenagers, have as many not scary, not anxious, not edgy moments as possible. And when they do get a hormonal rush that makes them lash out like a crazy woman, that they recognise this and work through it.

I wish for my life to be centred around Art. Art and Love. I wish for many many months of creating and that I not be pulled in many different directions at once, so lessening my chance to create.

I wish for whatever it takes to make my very dear friends happy. I wish that the angst that may reside within them be dissolved upon exposure to light. And I wish a very bright light to shine on them right now. I wish this also for myself.

I wish for peace. And let it begin with me.

Blessed be


Monday, 14 December 2009

I ♥ Faces - Pets

Pet Week this week at I ♥ Faces. I thought I might enter this picture of my kitty Kat - his name is Bilbo, but we all just call him Kitty.



Why not head on over and check out all the other entries in this weeks Pets Only challenge.

Friday, 4 December 2009

Friday evening…

What a week it has been. There has been soooo much emotion – expressed, implied and suppressed. An implosion was always on the cards.

Hopefully the cards have all fallen where they need to be. It will be plain to those involved – how they feel if it is right for them.

I have had a full on week in many ways. My relationships are all shifting – some good some bad. I have re connected with eldest daughter. Now it remains to be seen if we can maintain that connection. It doesn't help if you have her father driving a wedge in there where he can. Dickhead. How could he think that he could come between a mother and her daughter. Like i said – Dickhead. This is still quite volatile and unstable though. At this point in the proceedings I know that it would only take one wrong thing to bring it all crashing down again. I am determined however, and committed to making a difference. The cost would be too great not to.


Christmas coming. Or should I say SPF (Stolen Pagan Festival). I have a large bush in my living room. Complete with flashing lights and tinsel. Oh Joy. Have been out and spent a lot of money already, and with more to spend. Will be back out this weekend with aforementioned princess to try and finish off her gifts. that just leaves my boy. I have half done him. and most of the rellos. Sigh. At least i will have time to come back and sit in a corner and rock. Uninterrupted. Thank the goddess about that. And of course there is always Christmas Cheer – the bottled kind.

I have tried to contact my brother to see what is happening spf day, but he hasnt returned my call. how unusual. grrrrrr



back to in.

have a nice weekend

and dont go too crazy over the silly season.


love Jen


Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Just one tiny pat

on the back for me. Just one. I had nightmare eldest daughter home this morning as she wasn't rostered on for work. As usual she was filled with bad manners and an even badder attitude. Usually this winds me up. Slowly but surely, as time goes on – and my wishes are ignored and scoffed at – I get more and more pissed off. Until I am at the point of explosion and let her have it. This happens regularly. Too regularly.

Today – I could feel the anxiety building inside me. Today I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself. I was in no way ‘calm’ or even close to it really, but i wasn't murderous. I was well away from the edge. I told her calmly and without getting angry what i expected from her.

End result. I kept my dignity – which i sometimes lose when I let my emotions overtake me.

I am happy with how that went.

I was able to get some things out that needed to be said.

Hopefully she will think about them.

Handed over to the Goddess.

Enjoy your day



Monday, 30 November 2009

I promised you a pist today, and here it is

Well, I will try to make sense of some of the crap that is whirling around in my head here.

It has been a long long month or so here. Lots of stuff going on. I have had some fairly huge battles with my eldest daughter and my husband. Both of whom are cut from the same cloth, so it seems. A large streak of selfish ignorance going on there. I have handed them both over to the Goddess because I don't know what to do anymore. Whatever I do is wrong so that's me over and out. Whenever they upset me with their thoughtless and hurtful remarks, i have just taken a deep breath, handed it over, and walked away. This has taken a huge amount of effort on my behalf I must say – being used to doing everything for everyone like i was.

 the ocean in all of its glory

A weekend away was just what the doctor ordered there too. Two of my friends that I started Kindergarten with and I went away to a caravan just up the coast about two hours. It was incredible. We laughed together so hard our stomach muscles ached. We cried together. We talked about anything and everything. We swam. We got dumped in the waves. We ate. And we laughed some more.

Here we are just before we left. In case you didn't know, I am the one in the middle, Lea is on the left, and Rhonda is on the right.


It was just what the doctor ordered. I was able to tell some stories of my pain and those girls helped me put them into a place where I can deal with them. I have managed to gain a bit of distance in order to heal myself just a bit further away from the edge. The edge of the emotional abyss that I have been hovering for weeks now. It was only taking a little push to knock me over the edge. So consequently most of my time was spent trying to clamber back out. The weekend has allowed me to create a buffer zone between me and the edge. My main priority at the moment is to strengthen and increase that buffer zone. To create some hand holds for me to grab onto so I am not so easily swept away. I do have a tendency to feel things very intensely. That seems to be part of my make up –  recognising it and dealing with things immediately and taking steps not to dwell on things will be one of the first things I work on.

I don't know. – these things seem to come in cycles. It has been a particularly bad one lately – and that is part of the reason I have not blogged. I opened up a new post page dozens of times and sat with my hands on the keys. Sometimes typing a few words before giving up in frustration. I was in a bad place and just couldn't write about it. Couldn't think of anything else. So just shut the page. I just went back to Face book and wrote silly status updates that masked my pain. Sigh.

Anyway, the tide has turned. I have found some strength, enough to allow me to build upon it anyway.

Symbols are important to me. I love collecting rocks and shells and sticks or seed pods. Whatever Mother Nature leaves lying around. I see them as powerful messages to me that I am on the right track. I found some amazing rocks on the beach and a tiny perfect shell that is in  front of me now. It is a spiral shell and I see it as representing the cycle of life. I will draw on that.

Another symbol that has been playing out over the past few months is beads. Often I will find a loose  bead just laying somewhere conspicuous. My daughters have long grown out of playing with making bead bracelets and I have not done it for ages either. But still – a random bead will appear out of nowhere in the middle of a room at times. Today I found another. A white pony bead. I picked it up with a smile and headed to the little shelf to put it with the others. I walked away, thinking of my dad in spirit who I have been attributing them as messages from. Suddenly it hit me. My maternal grandmother LOVED beads. She wore them all the time – strands of coloured beads to match her clothes.  She particularly loved blue, red and white beads. I remember that really well all the way through my childhood. Nanna lived about 1000 kilometres away, so we only saw her a couple of times a year. She passed away in 1992. The year my eldest was born. Hmmm. I headed back to the shelf and saw what I thought i would see. All the beads I had found and collected on the shelf were blue, red or white. Ok. I am with the program now. Its Nanna. Will pay closer attention now and see what comes. Interesting…

Anyway. Am off now to get changed and head out of a spot of Xmas shopping.

Look after YOU,

Lotsa luv, Jen, xoxo

Sunday, 29 November 2009


i will post something tomorrow.


this is a message to that person who may care. :)



Thursday, 29 October 2009

this blog needs an overhaul.

will get onto that as soon as i have some time

a bubble


sometimes i seem to watching the world from behind the glass walls of my bubble

and although I am there

part of me is not

part of me is set apart and just watching.

watching and waiting for something

does anyone know what I am waiting for??

I don't...

In other news - Saturn leaves Virgo at 4.09am tomorrow morning AEST. I am cautiously ecstatic about that. It is time for it to move on and remove some pressure from me.



Wednesday, 28 October 2009


I am work.

It consumes me and when I am not working or running around after some kid or another, I am being a domestic goddess or playing endless mind numbing games on Facebook. Sigh.

I know a lot of people are doing it pretty hard right now. I send my love to you all.

I survived played another game of Touch football tonight. We won. I didnt score though. Oh well. Only two games to go of this season and I will not be playing next season. It is too hard. I am too unfit. Am a real passenger on the team. I dont like that and get hugely frustrated with myself.

I didnt mention our wonderful Art Exhibition at The Cottage a few weeks ago. How remiss of me. I exhibited some photos and scanner art. It was an awesome time and a steep and amazing learning curve for me. I loved every moment of it. I have two facebook albums of the photos I had – here are the links -

The photos -

and the scanner art -

It was a great weekend and I would like to do it again some day. I certainly learned a lot. This is good.



I am so bloody tired that I cant keep my eyes open.

So am going to bed now.

Lotsa luv



Saturday, 17 October 2009

Fix it Friday

Fix it Friday time again. Here is my fix on this gorgeous baby - who in my opinion needed NO editing. But - Seeing as the photo was beautiful anyway, i decided to do an extreme 'fix' on it. I used Picnik for this one for something different.

Here is the original

Here is my 'fix'.

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Monday, 5 October 2009

What Tarot card am I....

Thanks Chelle - I might take the message from this card seriously - just what I need.

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 3 October 2009


Sometimes life changing moments come at times when you least expect it.
Last night, while I was cooking dinner and minding my own business, did I least expect a full blown character assassination by the man that i married. Some of his points were quite valid. I will own them. Some of them were so far off the wall – and so totally rich coming from him that is was ludicrous. It hurt a real lot though. One of my least favourite things – getting stripped down and ripped apart randomly. Our relationship has been pretty crap for a while now. I have known for some time that i would not spend the rest of my life with him. I admire him (mostly) as a person though – and we would make very good friends i think. Hopefully we can remain friends and remain on good terms for the sake of the kids and for the sake of our own sanity too.
I will not go into any sordid details here – but we have agreed that it is over and will spend the next couple of months finishing renovating our house, sell it, and go our separate ways.
A relief. And earth shattering too. Am scared witless and excited all at the same time. Gulp.
Life changing moment number 2
today – the funeral of my eldest half brother Paul. Paul was 57 when he passed over earlier this week from a suspected epileptic seizure. They are not sure 100%, but it matters not. I have not had a lot of contact with Paul …. ever really. He suffered some kind of retardation due to his difficult birth and although he was married (no kids) we never really saw much of him. I am very close to my other half brother though. Today, at Pauls funeral, I was blown away at what people said about him. He was inspirational in life for so many others – and now, in death, he is inspirational to me too. I have chosen to learn from his example of rising above the adversities his life threw at him and to find the positive side of life.
RIP brother. Until we meet again……..
Life changing moments number 3
Oh, the difference a few milligrams makes. My middle child – the most incredible child. The woman/child who is 14 going on 22. Who is talented to an absurd degree in anything that she CHOOSES to do. Who has been diagnosed and medicated for adhd for the past two years. With varying levels of success. A couple of months ago we hit upon the ideal dosage for school achievement and even she has been proud of what she has managed over the past few weeks. It has bliss and i have revelled in getting to know this beautiful and amazing young lady once again. Here is a self portrait of her that she edited herself for her myspace thingy. Stunning – even if i do say so myself….
Well – she has always refused to take her tablets during school holidays and weekends. We have always managed quite well during these times. But this time it is different. It is like the crash from the higher dosage is huger then it was before. She is getting herself worked up about anything that annoys her and is letting fly with a stream of abuse towards me in particular that does not stop for at least ten minutes or so. I wish i could get her to take the tablets but she wont. I understand her reluctance and have always stood by her choice to remain drug free for as much of her life as possible. But this is pretty hard to deal with. Twice in the past two days – while i was on the phone with my brother regarding Pauls funeral, and my boss regarding what happened at school on the last day, she has had a meltdown, complete with swearing like a wharfie to the point that I had to hang up in a hurry. Its like having a frikken three year old again. Shit. I am hoping that she will level out soon.
Anyway – suffice to say that I am very very delicate at this moment. I was touched beyond belief at the service for my brother today. A service that was non denominational at a funeral chapel close to where i live. The guy who ran it was either pagan or spiritual though and some words slipped out that spoke directly to my heart and soul and had me sobbing uncontrollably at one point. So much is at stake here. It seems that I have always sacrificed myself. No more. No more will I allow the negative side of my life to drag me down to the edge of the abyss. I am so over that. I WILL be happy damnit!! I will be independant and strong. Just like I used to be. Before I got dragged down. I cant remember how it happened. I suspect it has to do with life itself. And the accumulative effect – much like the straw and the camels back. I now vow to my brother Paul, that in his memory, I will build myself up, with as many positive experiences as I can – to be as positive and happy as i possibly can.
Thank you - this has been an epic rant. Que serra serra.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Windows Live Writer

Hmmm, interesting.


I just downloaded Windows Live Writer along with an update of MSN. Apparently I can create blog postings in it and am just checking it out now.


Well……….. is it working.


P.s. – in other news, I survived another game of Touch Football tonight…. JUST!! 

:)aim high

Sunday, 27 September 2009

tomorrow is a new day

Hello. Here is another installment from the slackest blogger alive. I have opened up the New Post window quite a few times, and inspiration just will not come.

It has been a very introspective week. Kind of a 'sorting' week too. A 'trying to get things into perspective and/or into a place that I can handle' kind of week. I dont think I am there yet though. Sigh.

It has been all about wildly swinging polar opposites - from the absolute most dazzling of radiant joys to the depths of despair.

About information seeking and applying what has been found. Sometimes it fits, more often it doesnt.

Far out.

The symbol I recieved at our Ostara ritual last week was some musical notes. I guess that means 'harmony' to me. And this has been one of the holy grails of my life. I have painted it. Drawn it. Affirmed for it. I have striven for many many years. If I find an old journal and look at it, i always find Harmony, at the top of the list of the things i want to bring into my life. OBVIOUSLY I am going about it in the wrong way.

Anyway - will try to blog more, though I guess you wont fall for that one again and i will only make myself guilty for not blogging. Sooo, I will be back when i have something to say or some inspiration.

Take care my friends. I still read lots of blogs and I see that many of u s are having a hard time right now. I send love and light , healing and love to you all.


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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Fixing it on a Friday again

Here is my latest fix from
 I adjusted the levels by a whole heap to bring out the gorgeous boy being led by the hand by a grown up. Then I cropped it heavily, desaturated, applied a grungy textured layer and there you go!! Best fun I have had all week. Thanks so much I ♥ Faces. :D

this is the original image

 Here is my version.

 Thanks for looking

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Sunday, 13 September 2009


Wow, what a bloody huge day. My alarm was set to go off at 4.30am (yes, I know, on a Sunday!!! Idiot am I) and I woke at 3.15am. This is after going to bed after 11.45pm. I lay awake until 4am and then got up anyway because I knew if I went to sleep then I would really suffer.

Anyway - we got on the bus at 5.45am at the High school and headed to sydney for our school team to compete in the third annual state american style cheerleading copetition in australia. WE WON OUR DIVISION. My god they were incredible. We hadnt seen them perform before, and were blown away. WOO HOO. What a blast. What a stinking hot day today too, 31 degrees Celsius. In Penrith. in a smallish sports complex with 900 competitors and probably at least 3000 spectators. They didnt run out of food but the line was 45 minutes to get some.

We had a great day.

The kids were beside themselves.

I should point out that these 'kids' were between years 8 and 10, so 13 - 16 years of age. They were incredible - military like precision, not li ke the rag tag rabble we usually see of our teens today.

very proud 'cheer mum' here today :D

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

sparrows fart

Here I am - up at the crack of a freaking sparrows fart. Off to sydney today. Kira is competing in an american style cheerleading state competition.

hi ho

go team 

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Monday, 7 September 2009

I like this photo....

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Fathers day fire

Well that was interesting.
Our whole day (almost) was spent today watching a fire creep its way across the wetlands to within about 30 metres of my home. So close that the firemen were about to start hosing our roof when it moved on a bit and away from danger.

I have posted some photos on my facebook page. Hopefully you can see them - here is the link. 

Will try to be a better blogger  - I have missed it really - but have been either overwhelmed with too much to say so couldnt know where to start, or had nothing. Sigh

We'll see....

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

a post

I found the following post in my editing bit.. I thought I published it the other day.. sorry - i really am a slackarse!!

Ok, the worlds most slackest blogger is scratching some ink on this page... first time in nearly two weeks!! I am slack.

Lots has happened since then.

I have had my husband home for August - he was renovating the last room left in the house to do - the master bedroom. It has been such a huge job. The dickheads that owned this house before us were absolutely hopeless and were obvioulsy on some kind of halluciogenic drugs when they chose the colours - two walls were very dark navy blue, but almost black, two walls were spray can silverfrost, complete with runs, and the carpet was deep cherry red. There were different accents painted a revolting terracotta orange. Yummo, I can hear you say.

The whole job took so long because the room had to practically be re gyprocked and yes - we have still got to paint - but it is ALMOST ready for that. And the ensuite and wardrobe are FINISHED!! We still have got everythign packed away though - so it looks like there is sooo much room in there with no furniture except the bed.

anyway, thats boring

We played touch footy tonight - we won- i nearly scored again. Only nearly. Damn.
I am starting to get used to it. I didnt even near feel like i was going to die tonight. not even nearly.

so thats gooood - i am ovbiously getting a bit fitter.. ahem, yes, fitter. That is despite the fact that I have put on another couple of kilos since i last stepped on the scales - after all the physical activity that i have been doing. Sheesh, I have moved my massive body more in the last 4 weeks then I have in the past four years!!! Ripped off!!

So much is going on for me personally too.

I had a birthday last week. I was 44. I am happy with this number - was quite looking forward to it actually. Nice round numbers. I got an ipod, and a gobful of abuse from my mother. And when I challenged her with 'gee, thanks for making THAT an issue on my birthday - thanks very much' - she countered with more abuse for me making HER feel guilty!! Sheesh (again) Well pardon me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Far out, no wonder I am screwed up in the head!! lol

It has been tiring, have worked heaps. Have cleaned and messed up. Have accumulated bills and paid them off. Have just had my life get totally in the way. 

You know what makes it so special most of the time?? Friends. Thats who. Yes, you know who you are. 

thank you soooo much


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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Monday, 24 August 2009

what a day

Phew... was a 'get your skates on' kind of day for me.

so much accomplished.

so much organised

Have had much reason and prompting to look within (as usual). Some 'chance' remarks from friends, acquaintances and strangers have been quite syncronistic.

My head is literally swimming with information and thoughts and inspirations and feelings..... this is good, but it is very tiring.

So am going to bed now

Sorry am so boring.

OH, I almost forgot - I have been working on some photographs for the Cottage Art Exhibition. Having lots and lots of fun - cant wait for that one...

taa taa for now

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 22 August 2009

Fix it Friday

 I heart faces Fix it Friday is upon us again. I love this challenge. Here is a nice photo of a boy, named No Limits.

 Here is my take on it.

 I cant really remember all of what I did...
Obviously I cropped
and added a frame
another obvious one was black and white
I whitened the whites in his eyes and added to the catchlights.
I burned some of the background

Why dont you go and have a look at what everyone else has done at I ♥ Faces. Here is the link.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Friday, 21 August 2009

a word of encouragement

I have been made aware in the past few days the incredible power of words.  I mean in a positive sense. Am concentrating on that atm.

I had a message left for me.. from a person that I hold in very high esteem. The person left me two words. Those two little words have served to uplift me on umpteen occasions during the past few days. I have felt their power - the power of acceptance and appreciation, the power of friendship and love. Every time the image of them appears in my mind, and that has been often, i smile. And I feel warm in my heart. And each time I feel filled to overflowing with gratitude.

they are incredibly powerful, words. I have always tried to remember this - even before my very much appreciated example, that our words can make or break. They can uplift or drag down. They can make another feel a hundred feet tall, or lower than a pregnant worm.

I sometimes forget though. And wound someone. Not intentionally. not at all.  no no no. Its more just 'thoughtlessness'. which in itself is a very bad thing, but when it hurts someone its even worse.

am off now

off to figure out what and who it is that i have protected myself against.

making a list

enjoy your weekend

I am getting up for the last game of soccer for the season in the morning... go plattsy!!!

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Monday, 17 August 2009


I had a lovely day being everyones computer friend today.

The first part of the morning was spent 'p-d-effing' and emailing for my daughters lovely ballet teacher. Then the next part was updating and re-colouring the blog of our friend DEB. Go check out her new blog header and colour scheme. She promises that she will try and post more then every three months. Lets hold her to it!!

I am tired beyond belief right now.

And am hitting the sack - even before the end of Good News Week.

Nighty Night

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Sunday, 16 August 2009

This is my kitty cat

I think he is cute.

I am free for a little while work wise.

Looking forward to 'chillin'.

and other stuff


I took that last post down, it just bothered me and I didnt like looking at it.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Goodness me..

what a couple of days it has been. Bit of a roller coaster, but then again, isnt my life always like that?? lol

So far this week we have had the family 'get together' for eldest's 17th birthday. Same as usual, family power plays but with my mother throwing in an extra 'twist' (of the knife). Oh well, I have spent a lifetime disappointing that woman, why should things change now.

Last minute shopping for said birthday. I found it really hard to buy for her this year, seeing as she has been working for a while now and has her own money. We managed.

Eldest's 17th birthday. Was a nice quiet day for her because she booked herself a day off work to just 'chill'. Cool.. lol Hopefully a nice new change of attitude with come along with the more mature age.. well I can always hope!!!

Middle child (ballerina) playing a gala day of six games of RUGBY LEAGUE. yes, you heard right. Under 16 girls rugby league. Six weeks from her ballet concert. She survived, with only three stud gouges down her thigh, and some bruising. Far out. Relief when that was over. We told her ballet teacher tonight and she was absolutely horrified. It was so funny, because she tried to laugh it off, but you could see the terror in her eyes. Those long time readers might remember her foot injury with stitches only a week before last years concert...

My return to competitive sport after a break of a lot of years. I played my first game of touch football since high school last night. In my last game (1981) I was actually sent off by the referee. If my memory serves me correctly i think it was for tackling one of the opposition. She got up and jobbed me and I jobbed her back. We both got sent off. What a lovely memory. lol

Last nights game was very different. I only thought I was going to die of a heart attack once, and that was because i ran out and ran around like a mad old chook for the first five minutes then had to come off and recover for a while (lol). When I went back on I was much more 'mature' about it and took it a bit lot easier. Apparently I almost scored a try, I cant remember that very well, although I do have some vague recollection of an open try line which got closed very quickly and me frantically tossing the ball to someone so I didnt get tipped. That may have been the time. Oh, and darling daughter (who plays on the same team, yes the rugby daughter) informs me I argued with the ref. I certainly dont remember that one. Hmmm. maybe it was a body double last night, lol. Anyway, I pulled up fine this morning - with not even any soreness except for my stoopid feet. But thats normal.

Last night on Facebook was the most hilarious Snuggly war I have ever seen. I dont think I have laughed so hard for ages. Most excellent. I think I have been 'excommunicated' from the cottage because my daughter bought me a 'snuggly' - well a cheap knock off anyway. Even though I have not had a chance to use it because one of the kids seem to be using it every night... I might have to 'renounce' my snuggly ownership, sheesh, the price one has to pay... lol. Hilarious


Tomorrow is my last day of work in this stint. I need to go out to the dirty wrecking yard and pay the bills and do the banking, then back to school to make up for the hours I missed on wednesday arvo for our Stroud 2010 planning meeting. Woo hoo. Only 351 sleeps til we go!!

Ok, thats enough of a ramble for one day.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Monday, 10 August 2009

In Harmony Astrology


If you have ANY interest at all, you have to go and read your weekly sun sign reading at In Harmony Astrology. Its good. Very interesting.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Sunday, 9 August 2009

Last friday mornings sunrise

I staggered out of bed.

Spotted this coming up from my lounge room window.

Staggered back to the bedroom for my camera.

Staggered back and out the door (no coffee yet remember)

and click.

Straight out of camera this one. (except for straightening just a smidgen, one thing i cant stand, is crooked horizons)

Love it.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

um... what blog

I am certainly the slackest blogger this side of the black stump

I have been sliding onto one side of my chair and off the other mostly in the past couple of weeks.

Mindlessly playing endless games of Bejewelled Blitz. Escape from reality.

Plus a bit of photo editing as you might have noticed. I ♥ Faces. I ♥ that blog.

Working working and more working.

Money money money.. all good.

Trouble is, I am a person that needs a day a week, or at least a few hours of ALONE time. Total alone. No one here. Silence. Just my thoughts and me. And my computer, or book, or camera or artwork.. whatever. sometimes I will play a cd and sing along or quietly meditate. This is my recharge time. If I dont get it, I get further and further disconnected. I start to get neurotic (well more then usual) and sad.

I have one more week of full time work in this block, but another six weeks could be added on top of it. I definately have six full weeks coming up, we just dont know when it starts. Hopefully i will get a few days off inbetween. Only problem there is my husband is off work and doing some renovations around the house for the rest of august. Aaaggghhhh. I shouldnt complain. I will probably complain when all the work and money dries up.. although the way i am going I get more and more and more.

I am off to shop now and cook for my biggest girls birthday dinner, she will be 17 on Tuesday and we will be having the whole family over for dinner this evening. yay. sigh.

Enjoy your sunday.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 8 August 2009

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

Here is my fix on 'Cutie boy' from I ♥ Faces for this week

the original

here is what i did to it

the highlight of my week.... love doing this.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 1 August 2009


guess who drew the SHORT straw


Yesterday arvo I said to hubby... 'hmmm, soccer at 8.15 at Raymond Terrace, sounds like a father/son morning to me' ( I was thinking about sleeping in!!) - father says 'Im working tomorrow' ...... long silence... aaggggggghhhhhh

ok, so here I am - up at the crack of a sparrows fart

trying to get myself together and get to the terrace for soccer...


catch you later

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Friday, 31 July 2009

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

Fix it Friday again !!

I love this challenge, and this was one that just fell together quite easily. I squared this gorgeous photo of the lovely 'southern belle'. I also found that it just lent itself to sepia tonings by itself, I actually sepia toned a hue saturation layer and then set it to soft light to bring back a hint of colour. I also added an overlay that i picked up off the course i did with Jessica Sprague.

I hope you like my 'fix'.

Here is the original

and here is my take on it

Head over to I ♥ Faces and check out all of the other incredible entries... :)

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Thursday, 30 July 2009


where has the time gone

I cant believe how quickly time is passing right now.

I have not got any news really. I am working every day, actually am relieving two people instead of one.. lucky I have some kind of multiple personality disorder. I am buzzing around all day, getting all the important things done, leaving the things that can wait.. geeze this week is going to mean a hell of a lot of catch up for someone.. maybe me, who knows. Lucky I love it. But, ooohhh my feet. I stood up almost all day today on hard floors, my feet are aching like buggery. Oh well, should be able to sit on my butt most of tomorrow.

Like I said, I have no news. My life is pretty boring at the moment - doesnt make for an interesting blog.

I have not even had any interesting insights to share. Nope, got nothing. Oh, I have been having VERY vivid dreams. Those kind that stay with you and continue after you wake up. I love those ones. Some of it has actually been prophetic. Some just confusing. Oh well, we will see.

Anyway, going to bed now.

Take care peoples.


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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Monday, 27 July 2009

I ♥ Faces.. at the beach

This weeks challenge at I ♥ Faces is Beach. I happen to have lots of great photos that I took at the beach for my mum for her christmas present last year. I particularly like this one of Kira.

I love that blog, you should check it out now and again. :)

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from


Oh dear, school hols are over... I cant  believe I am saying this but DAMN!!!

Back to work. I am a full time employee for the first two weeks of term so I wont be seeing you anytime soon.

Some progress has been made here. Sand is being shaken from some ears... kind a slowly getting it kind of way. Hopefully we can prevent a relapse. Would be the best thing really, well for now anyway.

ok, am off to shower and dress for the office.

have a great monday peoples

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Friday, 24 July 2009

Its a cruel cruel world

I have had a bit of a shocker today.

It has been insanely busy, with around 700k's being driven by yours truly, between home, cardiff, thornton, wallsend and home again.

in the meantime i found out that the grown son of a woman i work with has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. her husband dropped dead suddenly of the same thing only two years ago. three weeks between husband with no symptoms to burying husband. what a shock. now her eldest son has been diagnosed. hopefully it will be a less agressive kind. i am reeling. this is one of the most incredibly kind and lovley women i have ever had the honour of knowing. Certainly makes me think... and wonder.

husband chooses this evening to challenge me. i answer his questions honestly and forthrightly. now he is shattered. he didnt realise that while he had his head in the sand, i was slowly getting over the whole head in sand thing.

i dont know where we are going withthis

but it will be one way or the other, and soon


going to bed now


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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

I love fix it friday. Here is the latest from I ♥ Faces. Mr Handsome.

Here is my take on it. 


I love the intense moodiness of this image. I cropped it heavily (you might have noticed that), added some light texture and ended up sepia toning it after heaps of other tweaks. I just get so carried away that I forget half of it.

Anyway, if you want to check out all of the other wonderful fixes by all of the other participants, then just click here.

 will blog a proper blog later, ok

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

hey ho fellow travellers

Much going on in my mind today

Many things to think about

for example - Yesterday my brothers wife came over with their two boys (age almost 12 and 8). My mum came too. We had lunch and my mother launched herself into her patterns. I was amusedly watching with a bit of detatchment how she blatently threw herself at my eldest nephew, and he relished the attention that he got over his brother and three cousins. She also attacked me about my hair and how she hates how i wear it. All done in a jovial manner. Later on in the day, when i delivered her the soup i had made for her that she forgot to take home, she attacked my shoes, sigh.

I thought about it all and have chosen to think along the lines that she has my 'best interests' at heart. She obviously thinks I look terrible and doesnt want people thinking badly of me, so she tries to set me straight.

This set me thinking about how I have internalised these attacks that have been happening for at least the past thirty years, since i was a teenager. Probably since she lost control of how i dress or look.

I wonder at what age she will consider me old enough to choose for myself. I will be 44 next month. Shaking head here.

Another thing it got me thinking about is my reaction to her hurtful comments. She was obviously trying to impose her will upon me. I just shrugged it off and moved on. Like I almost always do when someone hurts/offends me or (in my opinion) judges me unfairly. I shrug it off. Straighten my shoulders and move on. I pretend it didnt hurt. I swallow down a tear, shake it off and continue as if nothing was said.

On another level i can always feel that a wound has been reopened. I rationalise it and then push it down.

Why dont I stand up for myself. Why do I let people hurt me. Especially my family. Mostly my mother and brother. They dont have much respect for me I think, not at its most basic level.

As the old saying goes - 'You can pick your friends, but you cant pick your relatives'. Never a truer word spoken.....
Oops... was that an applecart I just upset... oh no. Of course not. hmmmmmmm

It doesn’t have to be difficult if you remember that it’s not supposed to be easy.

I wonder if the Eclipse of the Sun today had anything to do with heightened emotions.

Yes. It was at 29 degrees Cancer.  Cancer is emotional, home and family. New Moons signify rebirth, beginnings, a clean slate, the start of a new cycle. The New Moon falls in my 8th house.  
New Moon in the 8th House The 8th house is multi-faceted and multi-layered. In the physical realm, the 8th house represents sex and shared resources/finances. In the psychological plane, it represents power struggles within our own psychological makeup and our ability to embrace the "darker" version of our self without it overpowering us. On a spiritual level, it represents "death and rebirth", transformation, regeneration -- the need for something to "die" in order for a "rebirth" to occur -- as in a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. A new moon in the 8th house is generally intense and difficult but also powerful.hmmm - there was lots more information. I found it here  As above, so below. Interesting stuff

I am quite tired now. Will wander off and read for a bit before going to bed I think...

My love to all


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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 18 July 2009


So much going on for so many...

Some so very up, some so very down. some so very sideways even.

I have been flat out busy. It has been like Pitt Street here, with the comings and goings - constant. The outcome meant that the Resort looked like a bomb had hit it. Top it off, husband has been 'refitting' the built in wardrobe in our room. Resulting in our clothes and assorted other crap all over the bloody place.

On t he up side of that is that I was able to have that clean out that has been waiting for years, and have another five or six bags of stuff to go to charity.

We are totally reorganising here. And the resulting organisational rush has made my head spin. Whoa. All good though. All good.

I have been having a bit of fun photo editing, as you might have noticed, and only just remembered the Stroud photos. I will post them tomorrow. I promise.

I love photo editing. I find it so satisfying and rewarding, definately something I will be doing more of.

Going to bed now.

Tired and shagged out after a long sqwark.
Couldnt voom, no matter how many volts you put through me.

Keep up the good work.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

Here I go again this week with an I ♥ Faces challenge. This time it is Fix it Friday.

This is where they put up a picture and all you have to do is download it, edit it, and upload your own version onto your blog.

This is the image that was on offer this week.... gorgeous Little Miss.

Here is my edit of it. I enjoyed this one, I got to use some of the techniques I have learned in the Jessica Sprague online course I am doing.

Thanks for looking.

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

I ♥ Faces "Sports in Action"

Wow. I just thought about how long since I entered a photo in the I ♥ Faces Monday Tuesday Challenge.

It has been ages for sure.

I was excited to see this weeks challenge is Sports in Action because I have only just taken lots of photos of my son at his soccer match a couple of weeks ago. I really love this shot of him, I love that arm in the air for balance, hair flying, total concentration and eye contact with the ball. I cropped and framed it, evened out the colours a little, but otherwise, it is almost straight from the camera.

Go Plattsy!! (thats his team :)

If you are interested in looking at everyone elses entries, you can see them here at the I ♥ Faces Blog.

Lots and lots of mega talented people!!!

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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen xoxo

Friday, 10 July 2009

The next step....

Life has a way of making you sit up and take notice.

I have had the most exhausting, wonderful, awful week ever.

It has done my head in and put me in that awful emotional place that i hate to be, but where I make my greatest (so far) connections and insights.

It is gut wrenching, tear jerking, hard bloody work. It hurts .. a lot. But it brings up stuff that I never knew existed and helps me enormously... only with hindsight do I see though... I am not through to the other side yet - I will be soon. I have already seen some amazing things and for that I am sooo grateful.

It is fitting, I guess, that this transition period should fall upon one of the most important weekends of the year. Our transition to the next level. I have sloughed off some crud. It hurt though, as any sloughing will.

I feel on the brink. I can sense the precipice, it is just before me as I reach out my foot to take that next step.

I will be The Fool. I will trust that when I step off the edge, I will be taught how to fly, or there will be solid ground to meet my foot.

I have had my cousin here to stay with me since tuesday.

She is about 15 years older then me and hails from sunny qld.

Her name is Jenny. Like mine. Although mine is Jenni with an 'i'. Same thing though

We have never met in this lifetime, until the 27th of December last year at our Family Reunion.

This woman and I have so many things in common that we could be sisters. I feel closer to her then many that I have known for years. We 'understand' each other. We clicked at the reunion, which was nice, but we have not furthered that, aside from a couple of emails. But now things have changed. She has been here for three days and nights. I worked the days but we sat and talked way into the night. I am amazed by her and honoured to call her 'sister by choice'. She calls me the same. Thank you.

It is exhausting though. Exhausting to be 'on' all the time. I loved having her here, but geeze it wore me out. I think the exhaustion has preceeded this dip.

My boy (9yo) threw up on Wednesday morning at about 4am. He has only just this afternoon been able to get up off the lounge/bed and feel (according to him) 95%.

It has been an intense few days - when he goes down with the gastric, he goes down really hard. I might need to boost him with some vitamins etc ... poor boy.

It went through his class. On Monday this week, 15 out of 24 kids were away with the gastric. Tuesday saw 12 away and Wednesday was 10 (including him). What an awful strain it is.. very violent. So far he has kept it to himself. I am not taking it on, I am tooooo busy.

I just looked back and realised that I have not posted for a long long time. I have not posted since before we went away to Stroud Monastery. OMG what an amazing weekend. I sooo love it up there. It was really really nice to spend some time with the Autumn girls, and to meet and be totally inspired by those wonderful Willows. Rachel, you still need to teach me how to paint that eye!!!!!

The food was incredible. We eat well up there... most certainly do. Excellent.

Already looking forward to next year.

I am tired.

Between my head and my boy, I have not had more then about 3 hours sleep for the past three nights. Plus have worked those days too.

I am frikken exhausted.

Will peruse Facebook (stalkbook) for a while and then hit the sack.

Nighty night


Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Tuesday... (or, whats in a name....)

Oh dear

I always open a new post window and sit here looking at that blank title field and blank goes my mind. I would love to be able to think of witty and / or clever post titles. I almost always end up just using the name of the day. Boring eh. Certainly doesnt make you want to quickly click on my blog to see what is going on here.

Will try to pick up my game here..

Wow, what a week and a half it will be. Friday we are off to Stroud Monastery again. Woo Frikken Hoo. I am soooo looking forward to it. It is THE most incredibly relaxing, best place ever. Especially to be there with a bunch of such amazingly incredible women. Talented, inspiring, wonderful friends. Most excellent - I feel blessed.

(The Monastery altar by spotlight)

Husband will be having a birthday on the weekend while i am away (*little finger to lips, ala Dr Evil) - I cleared it with him before I booked. He is fine with it and I am cooking for him and the whole fandamily on sunday evening (yay.. ahem).  We will get through it.

Tuesday evening, our last class of Year 2 YAAD. Wow. Another year has gone by. I am really looking forward to moving to the next level and almost have a hissy fit when I think that our next dedication is only a week and a half away. Very very very exciting. Very proud and honoured to be travelling this path with such incredible women. All good.

Oooh, before I forget - almost did - if you are at all interested in Astrology, and those that know me, know that i am kinda into it - I have been following this blog and their weekly astrology is very very interesting. Just passing on the info, look if you want, or dont. Up to you.     :-)

Anyway, am off to bed now, too tired.

Chat soon

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Sunday evening

Good evening my friends

I am in some kind of limbo this evening

That limbo when those that are closest to you bring down a verdict of disfunction.

OH yes, we certainly bring the fun back into dis fun ction

I must reflect and reflect some more

I apparently have some pretty offensive qualities


I will admit to a bit of it, not all

I will try some and own my bits then let them go.

Because if I didnt own them I couldnt let them go.

Very good advice, thanks Robert.

So much going on,

So much to take in

Very intense time for me right now

It is heating up for sure

I dont know if that has anything to do with my going from a Personal Year 9 to a Personal Year 1.

Also, much to take in

My little brain feels like it is in overload right now.

Trying to learn completly new concepts that arent touching the sides.

And old concepts all need re examining too.


Worrying about my state of health sometimes....

My state of mental health that is...

I must not take this on, and I am not... I must just draw from it that which is pertinant to me and move on from there.

One positive thing that I can mention is that I can identify a couple of important techniques that I have learned over the last couple of days or so that will assist me in being objective and moving through stuff. Moving through without dragging anyting along with me. Very important this one.

tough call that one

I am naturally (being a virgo) very hard on myself.

I must lighten up a little.

I must learn to have faith.

This comes up again and again

My achilles heel.

Trust and faith.

This is the axis (astrological) under which I was born

The 'fear/faith' axis

Oh yes

That old chestnut

Obviously this is something that I need to learn

something that is mine to endure.

Lately, I feel really connected

like i just ask and it is there

that is what Robert was saying last night

If i think a question

The answer is there - in a milisecond


This is easy to accept in 'non life threatening' situations

On the surface i obviously allow instant contact

once it is important

i block it

self sabotage
another old chestnut


Lots to think about

might go down the rabbit hole with this one

must make sure i am on my track, my right track

back soon

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Saturday, 27 June 2009


I am officially the worlds slackest blogger.

i had a nice time tonight at the cottages fifth birthday. Robert was very very interesting. food for thought for sure.

great food, lots of wonderful friends, all good

I am in a bit of a slump in my life at the moment and dont want to bore you or myself with the details. Sick of whinging pists.


¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Tuesday, 23 June 2009


Just cleaned out the fridge. You know the green things at the back you cant identify?? All gone. Ah its a tough job but someones got to do it!!

In gratitude for

♥ Nothing growing in the fridge

♥ School days

♥ Glorious sunny winter days with cool enough mornings to put on a cardie but not to freeze any bits off.

♥ Peace and quiet

♥ Seashells and river stones

Enjoy your Tuesday.

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Is it Sunday already.....

Um, yes....

and it is even almost over.. well for this week anyway.

What a week it has been. There has been some ups and some downs. Some light bulb moments and some murky muddy ones.

Cant hope for better than that I guess.

In some ways I have felt like this week was a week to take a breather and a rest from the relentless emotional onslaught that is living with teenagers.

I actually was silly enough to say it out loud, and of course, Murphy heard me and whammo, hit me with a doozy. Its ok though.. I learned something from it and that is a good thing.

I am a little at loose ends going into this week. It is my first week without any work booked in and I am dangling a bit. I want something to keep my head and hands busy (I could do some housework, but hey... lol). I like to have something to think about - even if it is just what may be coming or running through the procedure for some computer task. I know, am weird. Deal with it, lol.

On the other hand, I am super super excited to be able to have some time this week to be CREATIVE. I dont know where to start so I guess that can be my thinking cap for tomorrow.

I have been dabbling in a little bit of creative writing this week. I have 'amused' myself by making little stories up about the plethora of images that get shown in my minds eye. Sometimes I get 'shown' a flash of an image and a feeling, then a story rolls through my head. I have never actually put pen to paper before but this week, for some reason, I did. Often this little 'story' is in response to a question that is asked of me.

Maybe at some point I will feel confident enough to post my 'stories'... maybe...

Just in case you are interested - last week I raved about how incredibly funny Good News Week was with Ross Noble. This evening I looked for the TV guide on Channel 10 website and discovered it on their site and you can watch the full episode online. It is Episode 15 if you are interested and here is a link. Just if you are interested.....

All in all, it has been a very busy, introspective week. I think I will finish off tonight with a gratitude list.

I am so, so, so grateful for -

♥ My bloggie friends. Of course you are on top of my list, where else?? I especially appreciate it that you do come back and read, even if I just ramble on with crap or be absent for days at a time.

♥ I would like to make a special mention of my friends Michelle and Jac who have both given me an award this past week - thank you so much, I will put it up and pass it on within the next couple of days I promise!!

♥ My family. The lessons I have learned and the experience I have gained from being in close proximity to these often challenging individuals has been priceless. Not to mention the huge amount of love and admiration that I have for them and their achievements.

♥ My health. In particular my healthy lungs, which have been smoke free for just on 9 months now. I am grateful to be improving my fitness levels and my body has begun to reflect this change.

♥ Warm blankets and fluffy slippers. Needed on these frosty nights and mornings and all in between. Brrrrr

♥ My sense of humour. Nuff said.

♥ Matchsticks. That are keeping my eyes open right now... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from

Friday, 19 June 2009


Am struggling to come up with something, but sick of looking at the kid in the sepia picture. I am tired and busy. I need one of those little signs for the back of my car that reads 'mums taxi' as I seem to CONSTANTLY be driving some frikken kid or another here there and or everywhere.

Busy. Tired. Brain dead.

Missing Fix it Friday.

Missing photo opportunities that fit within my designated time frames...

need to strangle someone.

will go and do that now methinks..

¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from


Will blog tomorrow, I promise....