am a puddle....

am a puddle....

suffering post traumatic stress disorder or some such thing methinks...

have been unable to do much today but read, wander out and dip in the pool, and eat, with brief forays into cyberspace.....

have had huuuuuge few days

the whole trauma of SPF

then brads rello's on boxing day

then my family reunion yesterday.......

too much for this little huge black duck



yesterday was incredible.

except for the photos which have made me leave my house of denial and back into stark reality. MUST. DO. SOMETHING. ABOUT . MY. WEIGHT. 

Personal astrologer reckons it will come off with the detox course of drops i am on at the moment.... which is making strange purging things happen too. like reliving old issues/events and nurturing myself through them. tis good (but scary)

back to the story,

met some relations that i havent seen in decades, and some that i havent ever met. some that i havent seen since i was a child and some that are children. Like the two little italian cousins, 4 and 6 years old, and incredibly adorable with the most gorgeous italian/english accents... like Sophie Loren.... (one of them WAS sophia!!)

i found a cousin that i was named after. and heard some stories that made some things really click into place.

wow

still reeling really

my cousin who has the same name as me (first and middle - and is 20 years older then me) is my dads sisters' child. my aunt was incredibly psychic i am told - and this cousin takes after her... we had a tangible connection that we both felt from the mintute we walked in the door . It wasnt until we were almost ready to leave (8 hours later) that we found out we have the same name....

exchanged phone, numbers and email addresses etc and will definately be keeping in contact with her. excellent


and my two michevious little twin cousins - who are now 34!! and web developers and code writers and world travellers and one has a wife name Fuschia!! incredible. hilarious and still michevious - piss takers for sure.


i counted about 8 school teachers there, including a principal, who has asked that i bring over my resume and i will probably get some work!! excellent

all in all it was an incredible day.......


today however

has been spent deep inside my head, and deep inside my book.... and not much in between. Like a thick fog has descended and everything is kinda muffled.

Like you were saying Nat about those that knew you before.... it is kinda like that - all those people, and everyone that was my age(ish) or older can remember me - and has stories about me when i was young.... and i dont remember myself.... my childhood is blurred to me - yet these people remember.

hmmmm - sent  me deep down...... still trying to sort it......

frikkin hot too


gotta go

hugs
xoxo

its over...

phew

thank goodness for that


I always get really really pissed off at christmas by now - it is just such a shamelessly brazen consumer spendfest. Even in times of hardship. It is all about how much you spend. Even if it isnt about that - opc's make it that. And make kids who were happy with what they had, because it was what they wanted, feel bad because they didnt get 'a pile that was bigger then me!!'.


I always try to not get over excited and walk the line between getting enough to make it special, yet not too much to overindulge them....

enuf


well, as 2008 draws to a close my thoughts go, as they usually do at this time of year to the year that was and specuate on the what next year will bring. I am in a nine year, so still expect some clearing out changes and finishing up ready to start a new cycle on my birthday next year..... honour what was....

in my head a lot lately.... honour what is... honour what was..... honour her.... honour him.....

goes hand in hand with gratitude really, doesnt it.

tomorrow i am going to a family reunion. very exciting. its my dads side of the family - cant wait. my dad was born in 1918 (died 1985) and was one of five children. I was born when my father was 47 so my cousins are, on the most part, old enough to be my mum or dad and so its my cousins kids that i relate to more. We have never been a close family - so should be good to meet them tomorrow - excellent.

oh well, better go now and get some shut eye - gotta hit the shops for supplies before we go.....

love and hugs
jen
xoxo

Just one more peek - just because..... :}

 

Sigh....

Wonder what he has in his sack....??

Happy Christmas Eve everyone!!!

been cleaning madly and am about to go and get the final last minute things....  yay. 

then will come home and make all the preperations possible in the kitchen for tomorrow. 

one kid still to wrap for and thats it. 

still cant wait for friday, and it will all be OVER!!!

PS - Natsy makes the BESTEST hedgehog cake EVER!!!!!!! 

yUmMoOoOoOo

You truly are an incredible cook my friend.  :)

Bar friggin humbug

here is a pickie of my wonky bush. I might point out to you too, the guardian gargoyle type thingy on top of the speaker is wearing a christmas cat suit, cape and hat with fluffy ears - stunning. Almost looks better on him then it does on the cat!!

The large gift in front isnt for me - damn it - i am very excited. Shhh - dont tell anyone but I  am getting a new mobile phone hee hee hee - i am a techno coveter and am very very very excited about this. So please slot this in, along with the stroud weekend away, into number 39 of the meme below.

NOT excited, however, about having to go in and take more photos at honeysuckle and the beach this arvo. bugger. boy child is EXTREMELY unexcited, girls resigned to the fact. oh well, i bribed him with an ice cream from Jims on the way home.

Went to Jesmond today and have FINALLY FINISHED the shopping. YAY YAY YAY. Only have to do the fruit and veges and just  a few more groceries and am totally done!! I might even go online and order from the Banana Barn - I did that last year and they were very good. And they deliver to the door. Luxury. Good prices too. Clicky here if interested. Or it might mean a trip to the Harris Farm at Glendale.... yuk. Am rambling now ... sorry.

Oh - one more thing... remember I put out an appeal for a satiny sheet?? Some local friends made generous offers, and if anyone seriously wants to give one away, please comment with maybe some details for me to contact you re pick up (i will not publish your details, promise). Thanks again. xoxo

will go now and have a nice coffee and a read of my book, The Princess Bitchface Syndrome, surviving adolescent girls.  its quite good actually - bit of food for thought and has made me see some things a bit differently.

Done

Job done...

term over


last day of work for the year today.

Been booked for every tuesday next term plus the first two wednesdays. very good as i normally dont get any work in the first term of the year.

thats mainstream

otherwise, have 2,241 photographs to rename and resize and upload to a website. along with new formatting, as i have traditionally changed it every year, plus 54 page title images. hmmmm - thinking that will take a couple of hours.

plus will probably have to start thinking about the dreaded spf and assorted obnoxious rellies descending on me for the day - woo hoo. not.

groan

will go now and read to escape.

xoxo

A Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Um this is a hard one..... might have to do something in the next week or so.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I DID!!! And it was the NYR that i have made for many years now. I GAVE UP SMOKING!! yay me

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Nat did.... and i dont envy her - i would rather chew off my own arm rather then give birth at this stage of my life.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but my older half brothers mother died, does that count??

5. What countries did you visit?
Let's see, there was Mexico, China, Norway, Germany, Italy, America, Japan, Morocco, France, United Kingdom, and Canada. Ok, Im lying... i didnt go anywhere this year


6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Appreciation

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
I should probably have some great, profound moments that are indelibly written on my brain, but alas not, sorry.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Giving up smoking. excellent

9. What was your biggest failure?
My diet. I still weigh about as much as a Sumatran Rhino.

10. Did you suffer from injury or illness?
Not me personally, but we did have the whole stitches drama last month...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new computer... still tweaking it though

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Celebration?? cant think on anyones, please see number 13

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
do i really need to spell this one out.

14. Where did most of your money go?
On groceries

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I dont remember being more then just excited, without the 'really's'.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008?
I don't listen to music too much. I may be the only person in the country who doesn't own an MP3 player. I really don't know, but I'll tell you what song reminds me of 1975
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier/sadder,thinner/heavier,richer/poorer?
sadder, same weight, richer (thanks kevin).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
housework (not really)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
housework (not really)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Lunch at our place with assorted rellies, and chaos abounds!

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
I dont spend much time on the phone... I used to, but not anymore.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
Lets see..... now thats one, four, seven ....... thinking.... KIDDING - None!!

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Gossip Girl - trashy i know.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Everything by Fiona McIntosh

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
"Musical discovery"? Like the time I discovered the lost symphony of Beethoven buried beneath that old church in Germany? What the heck is a musical discovery? Are they asking if I'm responsible for discovering any major talent?

28. What did you want and get?
milk and bread

29. What did you want and not get?
contentment

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
I havent really watched any movies this year. Sorry

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Really?? It was in August and I was 43. I dont remember what I did though. I know i did go out for coffee and lunch several times.....

32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Support

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Nothing I wear could be considered a 'fashion concept'.

34. What kept you sane?
ROFL! Oh that's a good one! Me, sane! Hee hee hee!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None really - I still love Guy Pierce in a frock, but that was soooooo lastyear...

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Politics isnt my thing...

37. Who did you miss?
I missed the old me - the one who was carefree and happy....

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I have met HEAPS of people this year - I dont want to single anyone out - I loves ya all

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
never assume
dont listen to harmful and nasty criticism
i am unique and neccessary

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
"nobody knows the rhythm of my heart"

Kids

Went and took some photos of the kids and their cousins late yesterday arvo. Had a fiddle in photoshop too.

 all good - nearly done spf shopping etc

still havent done the rap


still havent blogged my bush - must get onto that post haste


working for the rest of this week then its six weeks off!!! YAY



so - nose to the grindstone


 see you soon

mwa

xoxo

Wow

am overwhelmed with the response of slippery sheets. thank you very very much everyone for your offers - i guess the next time i will see anyone will be either tuesday (hopefully) or wednesday (almost definately) nights at the cottage.

she will be rapt.

thank you again

xoxo

Strange request...

Hi there

I know this is a strange request but here goes....

my middle child - who is an 'individual' - has some strange ways sometimes.

Often things that come up with her are 'sensory'. She seems very susceptible to how things 'feel'.

She has always had trouble sleeping and lots of methods have been tried over the years and most have had limited success. Right now we are in the 'searching for another answer' for her sleep thing.

However - she has come up with taking her sheet off her mattress and sleeping directly on the silky feeling mattress... Hmmmm - whatever works for now - but dont want it to go on for too long  because of the obvious washing issues.

sooo - that brings me to my request. Would anyone have hanging around some kind of satiny feeling sheet (any size - she is in a single bed now so can tuck it in) that they would be happy to donate, swap something for or sell to me??

Just wondering.



Finished the shopping today.

Thank frik

Over it totally.

Now i just have to do the xmas rap  (imagine me in baggy pants, bling and my cap turned back to front - lol)

Will leave you with some eye candy

 

 

Oh yeah - that is nice and firm isnt it....

One foot after the other....

Like the name of my blog.

I have become quite cynical lately. Life has been handing me lemons and i need to start making lemonade. And FAST.

I am sick of myself.

Trying to work through the problem which appears to be multifaceted.

Trying to get to the bottom of it. Again. Which i have been back to several times and it just seems too hard and next thing i know am on the phone to the denial hotline. This time it is harder again - as brushed away issues tend to become.

A while back i predicted that if i didnt learn the lessons pluto was trying to show me then i would get them over and over again until i did get it and it would come from people who i care about a lot. They would hurt me more then strangers or aquaintances ever could. I am there now. My real friends are delivering hard messages to me. And sometimes it can be quite painful.

I understand that it has been my 'apathy' or 'sliding along in my comfort zone' that has created this.

I find myself hanging over a precipice now. I WILL NOT FALL.  I know this. There is too much to lose. I do not want to start again.

I need a starting point to begin the search. I need somewhere in which to hammer my anchor.



On another note. Big girl got her School Certificate today. She did extremely well and we are very very proud of her. So she is finally free to spend her days making sure the lounge doesnt float away..... its a hard job but someone has to do it.

Know how to tell which of your new friends, old friends, and former friends actually understand you?


Easy, the ones who still love you.


I still love you,
The Universe




I have subscribed to Tut - notes from the Universe. They are very good and i particularly like the one that just arrived (above). 'Friends' seem to be a topic for consideration lately. Interesting.

I had a dream last night.

I was with a friend and we were travelling up a winding river which was beautiful and surrounded by lush forest. It opened into a vast lake and i was swimming with my friend when we noticed a jet above was 'stalking' us - this felt uncomfortable and i was keeping an eye on it. Next thing i looked up and the jet was plummeting towards us - in a nosedive straight down. I immediately started swimming to avoid being hit when i realised that i wasnt swimming anymore i was in the air and flying. The jet plummeted to earth, embedding itself its full length in the earth. I commented that it was odd there was no fire. I later returned to the scene to find the wooded area to search for the jet and to see if its occupants were ok. thats it - i woke up.

Interesting.

Very empowering really.

what do you think??

sunday

I myself am made entirely of flaws - all stitched together with good intentions...... (ha ha - can just see some people i know doing a yippee and a toyota leap upon reading what i have written there)


This time of year certainly brings out the worst in some people.

Went and virtually finished my shopping yesterday - visited Renata at Hades - it was quite busy yesterday compared to last week. Not even contemplating visiting kotara fair - hmmmm - will finish at jesmond methinks and be done with it.

have managed all the shopping so far without having to come home and sit in a corner and rock. this is good. and being almost finished is a good feeling. frikken bah humbug. over it really.

and to top it off, we must be inundated with relatives. goody.


going to do more washing and contemplation... bye

Blessed are the cracked... because they are the ones that let in the light.

Ha - cool


Had a really really noice day at SoulCollage today with just Faerie and me. Good job i didnt have to work today. yippeee. We had lots of deep and meaningfuls and made a card - yep only one. but planned several more and brainstormed some ideas for cards that will be just AWESOME. Just wait for that one - anyhoo, here is the card i made today

Been a big week. Working every day (except today obviously and next thursday) til SPF.
Wanted to have a new rant about another 'spiritual truth' that i have stopped believing. This is the one about Judgement.

I have decided that a certain amount of judgement is necessary for our own survival.

We need to be able to 'judge' those of whom we need to associate with. Those that a 'relationship entity' will be beneficial and those that will 'destroy' us.

What good is it for us to find us in the company of someone who 'repels' us and to swallow that and embrace them as 'brother or sister' and 'a spiritual being' or 'fellow traveller' - when their energy is in no way in accordance with ours and all they do is make us miserable.

the judgement is necessary for us to be able to determine those of whom we can assist, those of whom can assist us, those of whom we can teach, those from whom we can learn from, those of  whom we can have fun with... etc.

those others - whose energy feels or seems discordant with ours - those who dont make us feel good - for whatever reason - are not meant to be part of our journey at this time. We need to pay attention to these feelings and act on them. Not be GUILTY  for having them.

It is another in a line of things to give us guilt - when in reality - we are staying safe by acting in accordance to these feelings.

I dont condone people being downright mean. This is not good either. Just notice, and quietly move on.

And dont let anyone make you feel guilty for judgement.

It is normal.

It is just another of the tools we have to determine our right path.

My thoughts anyway.

Thats it

rant over


my new mood ring is still purple. thats good because i wanted a purple one!!!

mwa

ahhhh ......

My mother always said, 'if you cant think of something nice to say, then dont say anything at all'.

so i wont.....