meme from Jac..... Just so you didnt get No 4 wrong Jac....

1. Five names you go by:

• Jen
• Jenni
• Mum
• Hey you
• Bitch

2. Three things you are wearing right now:

• Purple Tshirt
• Black shorts
• A grimace
  

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment:

• Peace and harmony
• Canon EOS 1000D with a twin lens kit - digital SLR
  

4. Three people who will probably fill this out:

• Me
• Jac - ok... cheating...
  
• Nat??
  

5. Two things you did last night:

• Supervised a 4 teenage sleepover party - with one boy
  
• Read my book
  

6. Two things you ate today:

• Chicken snitztel lavash
  
• A handful of pecan nuts
  

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone:

• Greg
• Airlie
  

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow:

• Work
• Wash
  

9. Two longest car rides:

• Here to Brisvegas
  
• Here to Melbourne
  

10. Two of your favorite beverages:

• Coffee
  
• Bourbon and dry
• water - ok ok thats three - get over it
  

11. Two sports you watch on TV:

• Soccer (Go the Jets)
  
• Thats it
  

12. Three people you have on speed dial:

• Mum
• Brad
  
• Kaz

13. Five items in your wardrobe that you never wear:

• A denim jacket from the 80's signed by John Williamson
  
• Nothing else - I had a clean out and threw all that stuff out not long ago
  

14. Three last books you read:

• Goddess (Book 3 of the Percheron series)
  
• Betrayal (Book 1 of the Trinity series)
  
• Revenge (Book 2 of Trinity - all by Fiona McIntosh)
  

15: Three weird OCD tendencies you have:

• Washing my hands after touching an animal
• Sniffing the milk every time i use it
• I cant think of another one right now... I am sure there is more though.....
  

16. Five presents you got from Santa as a kid:

• A boogie board ( a white foam one)
• A walking doll
• Books, books and more books
• Thats all i remember - it was a long time ago...
  

17. Three of your most visited bookmarks:

• Blogs
  
• The bank
  
• blogs....

18. Two items on your wishlist for this christmas:

• A new mobile phone
  
• The new Spyro game on PS2
  

19. Five things you can see right now:

• The monitor
• My dinner
• My camera
• An angel, buddah, large chunk of rose quartz, yin yang, celtic knot, jewelled cross (all stuck to my keyboard and monitor base - and i am counting them as one... deal with it - its my blog)
  
• My affirmation board re becoming a rich and famous photographer....
  

20. Five things on your fridge:

• A dance concert program
• An Eagle Boys Pizza voucher
• Lots of magnets
• The timetable for the rest of the year for Year 10's
• Indoor soccer game draw
  

21. Two items/objects you own more than 10 of:

• Crystals
• Buddahs
  

Found this.....

The mind judges
The heart accepts
The mind wants to control everything
The heart allows things to be as they are
The mind resists
The heart flows
The mind thrives in conflict
The heart thrives on love
The mind has fear
The heart has love
The mind leads to suffering
The heart leads to joy
The mind has limits
The heart is unlimited
The mind wants to change everything
The heart is fine with everything

This is very beautiful - but I am not sure how attainable to the actual HUMAN person. I think that if we could live this (in truth, and fully consciously) then our mission would be complete and the journey over.

I wonder if this kind of writing is an example of what keeps people in 'guilt' and so controlled - because anyone living a 'real' life with partners, and children, and work, and family, and shopping centres, and study, etc find themselves bombarded continually by tests and challenges which attack our best intentions and if and when we 'fail' to live the perfect response - we feel like we have failed....... and so may suffer guilt. If we were totally alone, or we could choose when to socialise with others, if we didnt need to shop or work or parent or partner or play etc, then it would be oh so easy. Those people who can live 'in a cave' are few and far between.

Am seeing so much in a different light lately - and some spiritual 'teachings' or 'concepts' (just labels) are keeping people in chains, just as much as the organised religions can.

While ever we look outside ourselves..... while ever we go outside our own heart and mind..... while ever......... hmmm

maybe it is just me. maybe i see this kind of thing and sit and read and try to absorb and 'measure' myself up - to understand.... and then i realise that i dont think i will ever live up to this. that i will get frustrated and annoyed. i will feel fear and i will judge. I will suffer and i will try to control something that i shouldnt. But you know what - thats ok. because I AM HUMAN. I am sick of feeling GUILT because i dont measure up. I see it in others too.

DONT BELIEVE THE BLURB. Seek within. This is the only thing i am listening to from now on. Well, i will try (and if i 'fail' - so be it).

I feel the 'disapproval' of others (and i dont mean anyone who would be reading this, its mostly relatives), or if they really, really piss me off - and if they are my 'mirrors' then it must be something in me that pisses me off or is 'disapproving'. What a load of crap. I am not taking this on ANY MORE. Their 'disapproval' is their own shit - get over it. And if they continue to 'piss me off' then they can piss off.

Hmmm - ranting yes.

Maybe i am more sensitive than some. Maybe i have lower self esteem than some. Maybe things mean something different to you then it does to me. Well - tough. Because this is me and this is who i am and there is nothing wrong with me. I have to (just like you and everyone else) learn how to operate THIS mind and THIS heart and THIS body - which is totally different to yours or anyone elses. Things that matter to me - may not matter to you. You may not understand this but - not my problem. What matters is that I can look within and learn, i need to learn how to live in a society of flawed humans who are all searching for their own truths - which have nothing to do with me. If i can help someone - then i will do so gleefully. If i need help i will ask for it.



I will stop now

xoxo

Phew

Well, the week now is FINALLY over - the CAPA Caberet was on tonight. So the last of the 'dancing duties' for the week. Now we can get to the business of letting the stitches knit and heal. We dont get them out til wednesday.

YAY

She did it....

Finally.............

Concert over


She did it!!!

Incredible. She was a little wobbly a couple of times but those that knew what she was dancing through were gobsmacked at her courage and staying power. All on two panadols.

Only in one of the nine dances she did, did i see a grimace on her face - and it was the second last one.

I am a proud mother today.

And - she got two trophies for achievement - one for the Senior Classical class and one for the Intermediate Jazz.

Very proud.

today i lost control.....

ha ha ha

hee hee hee

sorry - hysterical now, obviously. and ready to laugh at anything.


took sicky boy to the doc's tonight - just a virus - of course. wait it out with a bottle of panadol.


desperately wanted to come to WSG - am having a really crap week

best thing - tomorrow it will be half over

Dragging myself through...

Ahhhhh

what a week it has been

now got a sick boy - some virus thing
hallucinating etc. not fun


k walking on her stitches. pirouetting on the outside edge of her foot. will be there on thursday night without a doubt.  she is incredible and brave and strong. and determined. all the things that make her impossible to parent without a struggle. one day she will be something or someone important for sure.

thanks heaps for all of the healing - it has obviously worked. you are amazing.



have been booked to work the last three weeks of term - this starts next week. yay money wise - boo social wise. I have hardly done any spf shoppping and have no idea of what to buy anyway. scary stuff.

feeling a tad overwhelmed at the moment

just a little bit toooo much to have to deal with.

going now

sunday

Ok - here we are

sunday

one more day has passed

i am in awe of this child of the most incredible spirit and determination.

in the last 24 hours she has taught herself to do pirouettes on the outside edge of her feet instead of the inside edge and can dance the hardest steps - and it looks passably ok. not brilliant - but good enough. and there is five days to go.

it will be fine.

she is determination personified. she will prevail - and five stitches will not stop her.

took the dressing off tonight and had a look

all nice and clean - no redness. still a bit weepy but it has only been 24 hours... (is that ok nurses??)

am very very tired

need to slee...... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

not good

been to the doctor today... got stitches too

fark

she split the underside of her right big toe - the whole length.

fark

doctor says she will be able to dance - that the stitches wont pop open (she tested it under the local anesthetic) - it is jut the pain factor ............

but

still no all day rehearsal tomorrow and possibly no performance on friday night, depending on how sore it is after she does whatever she can on thursday night (the important one). she has the main part in 4 of the 8 dances she is in - pirouettes etc... it is incredibly beautiful and a huge amount of hard work for the last twelve months leading up to this. not to mention the money factor (not only tickets). fark

definately no semi for touch footy on wed night.


what a week for this to happen

thank you so much for the healing... keep it coming




hugs
xoxo

Oh dear

K has three performances and a semi and (probably) grand final on over the next five days and has just split her big toe open. Trying not to hyperventilate ..... kind of unsuccessfully at times.

we have 120 bucks in tickets and twelve months worth of rehearsals riding on this week..... aaahh shit


will wait til the morning to make another assessment.



breathe

in out in out


thank the goddess for Emergency Essence (the australian variety)


please send healing

thank you
xoxo

Domestic Goddess

I am not!!!!!!

Sometimes i wish i was... just a little bit....

House looks like a bomb has dropped ..... oh dear

I soooo should not be sitting here. I should be doing SOMETHING.... anything...


Hmmmmm

Not much to say today - just checking in.


Monkey mind update
Have devised a visualisation for myself that seems to be helping so far with out of control brain. Although I havent had a very challenging test for it - so will see....


Working up the courage to go and visit the Super Salesman. I think the personal approach is better. Scary though. Must go today too. Should get going and get it over with, before i get too worked up. Oh dear. Confrontation scares me - I will be doing everything I can to avoid it turning into a fight. Will just walk away if necessary.


best go - have to pick up boy child from a birthday party.

toodles
xoxo

Hmmmm

Hi there my friends....


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER CHERYL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a great afternoon tea and your offspring, who talk and act like no offspring I know, are incredible hostesses. Well done girls. The food was amazing and I am sure I put on at least 3 Kilograms (and enjoyed every moment of it).


I have just had a very hard phone call with my mum. To cut a long story short, my brother, the super salesman, is a dick and yeah. Family shit. hmmmm. Its mum that suffers. She said some stuff to me tonight that goes against what i have believed she thought about me for many years. I believe she was truthful though and that makes me question lots of things. . . . Hmmm . It will take me a while to process this information and work out how it integrate it. Very interesting. Very confronting too - in a positive way. Hmmmm

So much of who I am has been dredged up for observation during the past couple of weeks. Obviously some thing is going on. Some 'truths' i have long held - i no longer believe. Other stuff has become totally plausible, which i never thought possible before. Stuff I jneed to deal with, that I feel is positive, may be negative and vice versa.

Something is going on.

I will just keep on dealing with what is placed in my path.

I cant do any more then that.

My brothers shit is his own. He can keep it. He is hurting our mother though. She doesn't deserve that, regardless of what 'mistakes' she made bringing us up. She gave us life. She deserves to be revered for that. Love you mum.

interesting. random 'j's' keep popping up in my text that i have needed to delete. Hmmmmm..... Hi dad.

going now.
still pondering on how to approach to super salesman to try and assuage some of mums agony.

luv you
xoxo

Position Vacant

I am in need of a 'Personal Trainer'.

This trainer will need to be able to teach me how to slow down my brain and keep it connected to my heart. My 'monkey mind' gets me into all sorts of trouble. Yet it saves me countless times too. I need to slow it down selectively. Is that possible. I dont know. It sometimes connects me to a negative outcome and its not until i engage my heart that i manage to calm down.

Let me give you an example. Most people, when asked the question - What is 2 plus 2? will answer 4. I get 1 + 1 + 1 + 1, the square root of 16, 12 - 8, sixteen quarters, seasons, elements, square, 22/4, Cancer... do i need to go on. I cant help this. I dont always want to know every possible answer, and its consequences, to a question. yet i do - and all in less then a millisecond.

Right now it is undoing me. I think it is what Lisa talked about on her blog and the SIMPLIFYING of things. Thats what I really really need to do - is learn how to simplify things.

Does anyone want to take me on. I can be extremely frustrating though ........


previously burned out applicants are welcome to apply....

What is going on...

Can anyone else feel it or is it just me.... is it another one of my delusions or maybe a 'seniors moment'.  Something is very very different. I dont know what it is.

Life ok here

going to mums for lunch - schmick

It was the 23rd anniversary of my fathers passing earlier this week. Wow. 23 years. I do miss him. I wish he met my kids. I wish I could have known him as an 'adult'. I was only 20 when her passed and was only just starting to get myself 'together'. I wish he was here to give my brother a good foot up the arse. I feel him around a lot but it is not the same...... love you dad xoxo

Well - off to shower the body beautiful......

mwa
Jen
xoxo

Thursday

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I have had one of those kind of good days - with not much to worry about - except a very very large furry spider in my car. shudder. 

Am feeling like i am dragging myself out of the quagmire slowly, and making some progress.


am thinking that I probably didnt quite FAIL my test today... maybe not a HIGH distinction..... hmmmm, do have to repeat??? lol - i am sure it was fine.

I am concerned for what will be happening in my group. The change will make some very big differences  i think.... shame really. But what needs to be done will be done. I guess i got a warning last week when I got the Death card in the space of 'study'. I didnt realise that the change would come so quick and i thought it was regarding another line of study that i was comtemplating doing. Hmmmm - isnt tarot amazing. Once you take the time to learn and absorb it.....  Love it


oh well

better hit the sack

work tomorrow.....


hugs
jen
xoxo

Wow

To be here on earth at this time feels truly amazing...


This is a time in history that we will be telling our grandchildren about, great grand children even


Barack in the white house - how cool. Lets hope he isnt a closet dickhead - I dont think so, at least I hope not


Most good day for me too

Had an excellent day at work - picked up my $12 winnings from yesterdays sweep winnings.

Brilliant stuff


Had a very funny day as the two bosses are away, and, when the cat's away, the mice will play. Most definately. Very funny. Very cool. First day I have enjoyed there.


Kid K has Scoliosis. Had appointment yesteday. Mild though - given her some stretching exercises to do. She needs to keep her back strong - which it is anyway - her ballet teacher says hers is the strongest back at the studio - so we are on the right track there. It makes you wonder if things would be a different story if she hadnt been so active and strong all these years. Hmmmm


SHIT - I have TWO seeds to do before tomorrow morning. Better get cracking!!!

Cya
xoxo

Hmmm

So it goes on......


I cant think of anything to say right now. Just hoping for the best I guess.

:) ..... .. . . . .

Phew

I have just looked back at my posts over the past few weeks...

I have certainly been on a journey and a half

it continues... and as I read what I had written, and also remembered what I had not  written...... I know that i have made it a long way forward from where i was.

Although, in some ways it feels like I am behind..... I can feel the growth that has been made within myself.


Its funny how sometimes finding the answers to some questions, creates more questions.

Pandoras box contains another box... then another ... than another. like russian dolls.


Thanks for putting up with me :)

I am so lucky

At least I know that amongst sisters and friends who are on journeys of their own, a person who is struggling with an issue will be allowed to find their way without judgement being made. We realise that sometimes something can be overwhelming and know that people make mistakes. I know I have made mistakes, and been overwhelmed, and not had the right words to explain the overwhelming feelings. This is part of my growth and I have done the best I could do with what I had at the time. Sometimes I have just been plain scared...... but thats another story.

Oh well

Its another week upon us

I am working every day except Thursday and am looking forward to going to group.


Hope you are all ok

Luv me
xoxo