Sunday, 7 June 2009
I am sooo sick of this. Sooo sick of being miserable. So if you sick of me too, then I apologise and please, I wont be offended if you just move on right now.
OK, if you are sticking with me, then I will try to explain -
I am trying hard not to wallow and to see what is going on here and for the life of me I cant figure out how to rewire my thinking here.
Or even if I need to.
I is connie confused.... sigh.
My problem stems from several places. First and foremost, is my marriage, which is seriously on the rocks after twenty six years. We are not only on different pages re most things, but we are in totally different books. Communication just doesnt happen and support is non existent. We dont argue much but when we do it is usually quite unpleasant. I dont know what is going to become of us. We have so much else going on though, that right now we are just existing side by side.
Next is our daughters, our eldest mainly. She quit school after 1 term of Yr 11 and has been working full time at McDonald's, where she had held a part time job for the past couple of years. She is working until next year when she will do a TAFE course apparently. I am not holding my breath on that one though. She has always been the intense brooding type, and has always only had one good friend. She has had (endured) social issues since she was about 9 years old (now almost 17) and has been quite introverted for many years. Well hasnt that changed since she quit school. OMG. She is a social butterfly, going out almost every night. She has a huge circle of friends, most of which I do not know.
Then we come to my husbands and my respective upbringings. These are colliding in a huge way re the eldest and her social antics. My husband was virtually an only child who was very quiet and music oriented. He used to sit in his room and play music, either that or play footy or go surfing. His father took him and a couple of mates up to a beach about half an hour from home, quite deserted in the 70's, with him about age 14. He pitched a tent for them and left them there for a week with a box of weet bix and a few cans of baked beans. I am gobsmacked at that. He was given free rein to do anything he wanted to do when ever he wanted to do it and never abused the privilege. Myself on the other hand, was ruled with an iron fist by parents who would watch like a hawk every thing i ever did. I was not allowed to do anything so had to push against the many boundaries in an effort to do anything even remotely like what my friends were allowed to do. This created a vicious circle where I was continually bombarded with questions and accusations and was forced away and kicked out when I was just 17. It took quite a few years and my fathers death to bring me back to the family at around age 20.
These contradictory parented styles have created a scenario where my husband is of the impression that our eldest has left school and is working so can do what ever she wants. He just lets her go wherever and does not worry about her in the slightest. He says its her life and its up to her what she does. I do not want to control her as such but dont really want her in compromising or dangerous situations. I dont feel she has got the 'street smarts' to be able to look after herself properly and I think she is naive and will give money or things to whoever wants them.
On the other hand, she has proven herself to be very resourceful and I think these couple of months has grown her up enormously. (a bit too much sometimes). She has gotten herself into a group of kids that go into town and watch the hot cars go by. They dont drink very much at all, however they smoke. (grrrrrrrrr). They sleep over here regularly and most of them are quite nice kids.
My big big problem is my inability to let her go. I am constantly thinking about her when she is out and 'indulge' myself in what I have discovered is called 'catastrophic thinking'. I can easily imagine any and all disasters that may befall her and if she doesnt call when she says she would my brain brings the whole list up into the front of my mind much to my horror. By the time I hear from her I am a wreck. Its not good.
He on the other hand is cool as a cucumber because 'she will be ok, she just forgot', or when she was gone for 48 hours with a flat phone battery for the last 20 hours and I was convinced she was dead or worse, he was just like, 'her phone is obviously flat, she will be fine'.
I have always assumed that he doesnt care. I have been looking really hard at it over the last couple of days or so and have realised that he is actually of great faith. He does not believe that anything COULD happen to her. And she WILL be fine.
We are at total opposite ends of this polarity too.
I think he takes it a bit too far. But I can understand that my attitude is just as extreme. I wish I could meet in the middle somehow. He thinks I am just being a control freak but that is not it. I just am absolutely terrified, not exaggerating here, terrified, that something will happen to her.
I dont know how to change.
I dont know how to find the trust and belief that will allow me to let go gracefully.
I need help with this.
Thank you for sticking with me this far - maybe if you have older children of your own you may be able to advise me of what the 'normal' reaction to your child growing up and becoming so independent. This has been sudden too, maybe that has had a bit to do with my inability to cope. I shouldnt say 'inability'. I am coping. I am even sleeping when she isnt home. I just get random panic attacks and these happen when my brain runs through the 'worst case scenarios' for me to view. When she comes home after I have been reallly worried, I often just go to my room and cry and cry with relief.
Please, if you can, help me to change my thinking and attitude. Help me to let go. Help me to accept her growing up and becoming more independent.
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from