Sunday, 24 May 2009

Started this on saturday, now its sunday.....

Happy saturday night to you all.

I am a bit on the melancholy side tonight. i have been trying really hard to set some things to right. i have been really respectful and caring. I have not nagged or whinged (well maybe only a tiny bit). I am pretty happy with myself. I seem to be learning the lessons of the past.

Memories have been re surfacing. Stuff from loooong ago. Stuff that I had totally forgotten. Oh, having an almost 17year old in the house has made me look at some stuff.

It is interesting to note from afar what things push my buttons and which things I can easily deal with. I am quite amazed at how many things that I should be ok with, things that remind me of when I was young, these are the things that I really am not dealing with very well. I dont really get that.

I am sooooo immersed in teenage shit right now. It is consuming me. I have been able to take a small step backwards to get some perspective, but all in all, this seems to be the thing that I need to sort out RIGHT NOW. This is where I need to concentrate my healing energies. To bring into play the inner peace that I have deep within me. To bring out the strength that I thought was lost.

Teenagers deploy such emotional warfare. They are sooo on their own rollercoaster emotionally that they cant help but to offload some of it onto their loved ones. I am a particularly sensitive person. One who does take things to heart, when I shouldnt. But still.... I do...

I dont want to be hard hearted. I do need to toughen up my skin though. I need to let some things wash off me. Not be affected.

I am winning. Small step by small step. I know and can feel that I am making progress.

Most days are really good. Most days I am really really happy.

Most days I can deal with whatever is thrown at me.

some days however... some days I am like a shattered mess. An emotional wreck. I am working on reducing those days by as huge an amount as I can. I am gaining some level of emotional control. I am recognising my own trigger points and am trying to head myself off at the pass. A lot of times it works. Its hard work. But am managing. Yay me. Sigh.

I still feel quite ripped off at times. I have had the 'misfortune' to have been confronted by some of the goody two shoes friends of my daughters mothers. They all make sure to tell me good and long about how perfect their kids are, how their teenagers are hard working, considerate, great friends, balanced, studying hard, non-trouble making... need I go on. I wish wish wish that I had one of those. Although.. I am not sure that they exist. Sigh... But still.... how much easier would it be.

Sigh again. No growth without pain, no pain without growth.

All good

look after yourself


♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

8 comments:

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My oldest is only 11 and we already call him "the sullen teenager". LOL. I'm sorry you're dealing with the teen angst, though. Hang in there!

Lola said...

Yay for you and the positive thinking! Ciao and have a great weekend.

Natalie said...

No teenager on this planet is perfect, just as no adult is perfect. What can I say? I have a really good one and a really rotten one.You know and I know, that my really good one, has an attitude at times that would fry an egg! The rotten one is a beautiful child underneath all the grumpiness and testosterone weirdness. It all balances out, Jen. Your girls are difficult AT THE MOMENT, but you know, and I know, that there is goodness and beauty in both of them.



Love to you.xx♥

Anonymous said...

I am sure they only tell you that shit to make you fel miserable Jen - most tennstrangers have dropped from another planet and their only purpose in life is to see what they can get away with....oh the rebellion!!!!Life is a barrel of laughs and fun for them ( I wish I was back there and streching MYSELF and learning and failing with such pomp and magesty instead of beign boring as shit and afraid of my own shadow )....w.w.

Linda S. Socha said...

This is only now dear....and I promise you it will pass. I know...it may pass quicker with some children than with others. When life was so difficult with my teens I would do everything in my power to picture them surrounded in God's protective light. They are grown and ok now and it was tough getting there. I worried so much I feared I would never be able to let them go while longing for the freedom of them being adults...
Linda

Lisa said...

jennifer- tell those bloody nosy bitches to go jump....!
Now !

J said...

i think it might be going around jen - stuff from my past is coming up with a vengeance right now too. it's a scary thing to deal with, especially when IT refuses to be pushed down again, no matter how hard we try.

i read a passage recently about taking on other people's emotions (i do it too). it said something about falling into the pit with someone else's emotions, is like taking off your own life jacket so you both drown... rather than keeping yours on so you can help keep the other afloat. i thought it was a nice way of looking at it, but i still don't have the answers on how to do it. practically, that is. a mystery. and a painful one unfortunately. if you find out, will you let me know?
:)

you're doing well just taking small steps. recognizing triggers can be really empowering.
thinking of you ♥ ♥

Cyndy said...

The goodie-twoshoes-mother whose daughter has really great friends.... Jen, your daughter is one of those.......
Truly, you need to work out what things are really important: pick your battles, & don't sweat the small stuff. In a very short time, you will have absolutely no legal or emotional control over anything. You are making in-roads into protecting yourself from the actions of others, but there is no way that any of us can stop or slow the rollercoaster into adulthood that our kids are on. And the kids wouldn't have it any other way.
Your girl is beautiful, wonderful person. She must be, Jen, because she's got you for her mum. ;0)