Friday, 15 May 2009

Friday.......

Oh what a week.

Up and down. Around and around. Oh, my head is not equipped to deal with such things.

I like smooth and calm. Even and happy. All these bloody teenage hormones raging around and snapping tempers etc is doing my head in.

I used to be a very very strong woman. I used to be totally in control of myself and my environment. I used to cope incredibly well with changes around me, adapting 'on the fly' without nary a missed step to my gait. I used to be able to deal with any thing. I was a 'cup half full' kind of girl.

Shit I miss her.

Now I have periods of time where I feel really really weak and spineless. I sometimes feel totally out of control and really really sad. Sometimes I just cant cope so bad that I cry so hard that I cant see. I HATE THAT!!!

I want the old me back. Well, most of the old me anyway.

I dont know what happened to her. I just woke up one day and she was gone.

In some ways I feel stronger then ever before. In some ways I feel in my absolute prime. In some ways I am totally blown away by how different that person looking out at me from the mirror looks compared to how I feel.

I dont even know who I am sometimes. I dont even recognise me.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother has left her body and entered mine with the words I hear coming out of my mouth sometimes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO............ Sigh.

I (almost every day) sit here and count my blessings, of which there are many. I add up the things I am grateful for. They way way way outstrip the things I am miserable about.

I just, for some reason, am consumed by the misery lately. I have been attacking it from all angles, yet still it remains. What more is there to do. How can I deal with it so it will go away. I know that life is not meant to be miserable.

I crave contentment. I crave peace.

I need to feel cared about. I need to feel appreciated. I know these are ego based, yet I dont think they are too much to ask. I have been to the bottom of the abyss and dont want to go back.

Maybe I should just move to Siberia or somewhere.

Another sigh......


Will post something possimistic tomorrow I promise.

Hugs
xoxo


♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

9 comments:

Natalie said...

Hug,hug,squeeze, smooch.xx♥

Wendy said...

That person you described still exists. The way I look at it, repeated actions become habits and habits form the basis of our characters. We need to stop putting our happiness, fulfilment and contentment in the hands of others and to start owning our choices so that we can take actions that support our authentic selves and then repeat those actions so they become habits and dominate in our characters and personalities once more.

Also, acknowledge that your energy levels ebb and flow but focus on what your goals are and keep busy achieving them, one foot in front of the other, as it were.

*hugs* to you ♥

Kim said...

I hate this feeling that you're having. I think we all go there. It's so good that you make a habit of counting your blessings. Sometimes that helps but sometimes not so much. I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

J said...

wish i could give you a big hug jen. things will get better, promise. hang in there, you are loved.
*hugs jen until her eyes pop out*

Cyndy said...

Holy crap, Jen! You're in my head too!

We sisters really are linked ;0)

Love you!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Hope things start looking up for you soon. Just keep repeating your gratitude lists and hopefully, this feeling will fade away!

Michelle said...

You are needed....if you took off for a couple of weeks and left them all to it, you may even come back to being appreciated :)

Seriously Jen, why don't you! That would learn em, they aren't babies anymore...well Egie is, take him with you.

It's hard sometimes.

xxx

Lola said...

I'm terrified of rollercoasters, but that header photo is awesome! Ciao sunshine

Sarah Lulu said...

You are in process ...yes you are.

You won't get the old you back you will get a better ...the BEST version of yourself ..

You just can't imagine that yet.

I can't wait to see you unfold.

Breathe ....do the dishes ...
let God move the mountains.

Sarah Lulu xxx