Oh what a week.
Up and down. Around and around. Oh, my head is not equipped to deal with such things.
I like smooth and calm. Even and happy. All these bloody teenage hormones raging around and snapping tempers etc is doing my head in.
I used to be a very very strong woman. I used to be totally in control of myself and my environment. I used to cope incredibly well with changes around me, adapting 'on the fly' without nary a missed step to my gait. I used to be able to deal with any thing. I was a 'cup half full' kind of girl.
Shit I miss her.
Now I have periods of time where I feel really really weak and spineless. I sometimes feel totally out of control and really really sad. Sometimes I just cant cope so bad that I cry so hard that I cant see. I HATE THAT!!!
I want the old me back. Well, most of the old me anyway.
I dont know what happened to her. I just woke up one day and she was gone.
In some ways I feel stronger then ever before. In some ways I feel in my absolute prime. In some ways I am totally blown away by how different that person looking out at me from the mirror looks compared to how I feel.
I dont even know who I am sometimes. I dont even recognise me.
Sometimes I wonder if my mother has left her body and entered mine with the words I hear coming out of my mouth sometimes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO............ Sigh.
I (almost every day) sit here and count my blessings, of which there are many. I add up the things I am grateful for. They way way way outstrip the things I am miserable about.
I just, for some reason, am consumed by the misery lately. I have been attacking it from all angles, yet still it remains. What more is there to do. How can I deal with it so it will go away. I know that life is not meant to be miserable.
I crave contentment. I crave peace.
I need to feel cared about. I need to feel appreciated. I know these are ego based, yet I dont think they are too much to ask. I have been to the bottom of the abyss and dont want to go back.
Maybe I should just move to Siberia or somewhere.
Will post something possimistic tomorrow I promise.
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from