another timely reminder...this new moon is full on... opportunities

another opportunity for growth and for healing...

Reflect on your periods of ashes-times of darkness-when you set fire to your own nest, were consumed by the flames of loss then emerged transformed like the phoenix.
How many times have you squeezed out of an old shell that suffocated you?
What did you learn from what you walked away from?
Take your heart in your hands today and refuse to turn your back on the summons of your life.... Hare in the Moon Astrology

When I think back over my life there has been quite a few instances of 'ashes-times of darkness'. Its interesting to note that on virtually every occasion, there has been a catyalyst and a volcanic like bursting from the flames to find myself transformed into another incarnation of myself. I believe I am in the process of this purging right now. When I close my eyes I can see great avalanches of baked on crud loosening and falling in sheets from my body. The great piles of hardened crap, that has been weighing me down for years, is falling away. The build up of rock and armour like protection around my body is cracking and falling away. Mentally I am going through a huge 'revisiting' period, with situations, words, feelings, emotions, churning up past my awareness for a last look before (hopefully) being transcended for good... this is actually a much more painful process than I expected and it is interesting to see the patterns that are emerging... Some feelings and emotions are harder to revisit than others, a couple of them are clinging to me and I need to remove those before they take root again.  And again, as per most of these kind of memories I have in my life, I am alone. Sometimes I wish I could share this with a special person, but there isnt one.. never has been really. Sometimes I think that I get trapped under the weight of this crap because just the sheer force of it all going around and around in my head keeps me from being able to see my way clear. The bottom of the pond is being churned up and surfacing right in front of my eyes...

There is no option but to keep walking.. putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make sense of all this. Put it in its place and reject that which no longer serves me.

Belonging...

Such a basic human desire...

To belong to a group. To be an integral, loved and cherished part of a group of people. To love and cherish a group of people as much as you know you are loved and cherished.

Many people find this in their family unit. Some are lucky enough to be blessed with a loving family group plus a group of friends who are also a bonded group. Lots of people feel they are a valued and appreciated at work and find a real sense of belonging due to their job.

Some people find themselves without a 'tribe'. Without a loving, caring, supportive group who form a real cocoon around them. Who have no cocoon. Who have nobody who actually really care, on a tangible scale.

I am finding myself to be one of these people.

I do indeed have some sattelite friends who are very loving towards me. But who have their own lives and their own groups of friends and who only briefly touch on my life occasionally. And without these 'satellite moments', I think I would find myself in more of the depths of despair than i already am.

I am more of an occasional 'honorary member', an onlooker.

Sadly, this often serves to demonstrate to me what I have been missing for most of my life.

As my life goes on, I desperately wish to have my own 'tribe'. A close knit group of friends who are there for each other through thick and thin. Who will be there if someone is not right, even knowing and jumping in when needs be. To feel loved and cherished and even adored is my most deepest desire.

Angry and bitter words...

I am angry at you because you have taken away from me so many things.

And I am angry at myself because I let you.

And I am angry at myself because I waited too long to save myself.

You took away my youth. You took my best years and you mistreated and ignored me. You made me feel worthless and you didn’t support me in one little bit. You made me doubt every little shed of my own worth and made me feel that you didn’t love me and nobody else would love me either. You took away my body and my slenderness. You took away my agility and my suppleness. You took away my energy and my stamina.

And I let you.

You left me with a fat body. Diabetes. High blood pressure. And anxiety / panic attacks.

I am a shell of my former self.

I have had to fight to claw back what little I have resumed. And it isn’t enough.

You took my best years. The best years that could have been spent loving someone that really cared about me.

I have now spent over five years trying to heal those shattered parts of myself that you took for granted and ground into the dirt. Those parts of myself that, although holding back together by the thinnest of threads, threaten to re-shatter at any moment. For random reasons and no pattern or apparent trigger, I fall apart.

You smashed every part of me. My cooking. My housekeeping. Me as a mother. My music tastes. My taste in decorating. My self esteem is fragile and tenuous and collapses, also, for no apparent reason. Regularly.

You isolated me. You took away my friends. You tried to poison my kids minds.

You take no responsibility for any of this. You say I did all this to myself. Don’t play the blame game you said. Often. If ever I tried to stand up for myself you shot me down with ridicule and abuse. And if I ever said anything that you couldn’t shoot down in flames or ridicule, something that was truth and you felt it. You ignored me. You then waited until I lost my plot from being ignored then you started with the ridicule and abuse.

You have no family values and you didn’t allow me to instill them in my kids. You refused to eat at the table, so they also refused. You refused to be kind to me, so they were also unkind. You ridiculed me in front of them and you undermined most of my decisions. You refused to support me in any way. Still to this day I am forced to deal with the fallout of your neglect on an almost daily basis while you sit up in your castle. Peaceful and aloof.

Dear Karma, I know someone you missed.

I hate you.

And I hate myself for making such poor choices.

I hate that I did not value myself enough to free myself while I was still young and healthy and slim.

Now I am old. Fat. Bitter. Ugly. Sick. Angry. Damaged.

In the words of Cher… ‘If I could turn back time…………’

Loyalty

loy·al·ty  (loil-t)

n. pl. loy·al·ties

1. The state or quality of being loyal. 

2. A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection. Often used in the plural: My loyalties lie with my family.

 

 

I have had cause lately to wonder about the LOYALTY of some of the people I know... 

 

Because of this I have come to realise that this trait is something that is VERY important to me. It is essential, in fact. 

 

Believe me when I say that I am not asking of you, any more than I would ask of myself. If you are important in my life (you know who you are) you can count on me. I would go to the ends of the earth for you and will 'have your back' WITHOUT FAIL!! 

I mean that.... 

And I have had cause to prove this to you. On more than one occasion during our long association. Many more. 

So imagine my surprise when you betrayed me in the most hurtful way. By accepting an invitation to celebrate the life of the person that has HURT ME THE MOST in this lifetime. 

UN-apologetically?? Your surprise at my hurt would have been funny if wasn't even more hurtful. It never occurred to you that I might be hurt by your actions. Apparently.....

 

Let me fill you in on a little secret, because at this point I am pretty sure that you are clueless as to this concept right now. As one of the handful of people that I would go to the ends of the earth to without thought, were the situation reversed, I would be sitting with you, around a table, a glass of wine, some cheese and crackers, carefully planning his demise. Painful and drawn out it would be. He would be sorry he messed with you, and if he messes with you, he messes with me also. Because I love you like a sister. 

So if my partner were having a milestone birthday, and he said, hey, lets invite her ex. I would scream NOOOOOOOO. Are you fucking KIDDING!!!!! 

I wish you screamed that for me. 

Now... I am to be put in the position of discomfort. At the place of my very own 'sister'. I am to share this space with the arsehole of the century. 

Loyalty..... 

Dear Blog

chart

gee its been a while...

What a long time between blogs!! I think thats a new record. Its been an eventful few months.

The usual roller coaster ride from blissfully amazing highs to woefully shattered lows.

The main thing though is that there has been incredible progress made in this time. I have spent long long days and nights 'down the rabbit hole' and there is barely a shred of my soul left unsearched.

I emerge from this period of time with some new scars, but with a shiny sense of self for the most part - obviously, if i was perfect then I would be dead... or Jesus, and I am clearly neither, so there is a way to go of course.

Life is INCREDIBLY busy. Busier now than it ever was when I had babies and toddlers. Definitely the busiest days of my life right now. My job, which has been casual and temporary for the past ten years has just been made permanent. So as long as Barry keeps his hands away from around my throat, I am home and hosed. I think I will be safe but fingers crossed we all get to keep our jobs.

Still searching for a house to buy, but now the job is permanent, then a home loan will be easier to come by, more secure and less worry for me for sure. My guidance has been assuring me that a new home is not far away now and we are sooo excited. A new start in so many ways, renting a house after being a home owner for twenty years is a rude shock, although I am so grateful for the haven that this place has been. Will not miss my landlord though, arrogant, condesending, misogynistic prick that he is. I dont like him, did you notice?? lol. The places we have inspected are getting closer and closer to what i need so hopefully it wont be too much longer now.

It is just so amazingly liberating to be able to make these decisions for myself and choose what suits me and my kids. Sometimes it is a bit hard to control the thought processes, when there is little outlet, they tend to roam around and around, but I am slowly learning to work with this constructively. Loving being my own person. Relishing sharing EXACTLY what it is I wish to share at any time with any person. Being completely responsible for my own shit, loving it. Of course, a friend with benefits every now and again would be appreciated, if you get my drift. ;)

Much much more to say, will try and make more regular installments, as it is good to get this stuff out for me also.

Wonderful to see you again. I have nothing to hide and will enjoy sharing this next part of my journey with you.

Kind regards
Jen
xoxoxo

Project 52

If you are into photography, and would like to join in, here is the link to my Project 52. It is only just starting and is my attempt to make sure I take more photos..... 

http://fiftytwowords.blogspot.com/

The theme for this week is Love

long overdue

wow, its been seven months since my last post...

i have never been a good blogger, but i think that is a record.

i have had lots to do, its been crazy hectic. Man, what a ride.

silly season is upon us and i have spent the last two days shopping up a storm. I am ALMOST done... one more gift for the 'son in law', one more gift for one kid. thats it.... i think... unless i remember if i forgot someone.... sigh. Oh, and a bottle of wine for second boss!! sigh... all i need for myself is a money tree, lol

I am sooooo looking forward to the end of 2011. 2012 is when things start being less of a struggle and start going my way. Not that i have not had some wins, i have, but all in all, its definitely been a couple of years of stripping away that which does not serve me.

if you are still here, congrats. and i thank you. i am honoured to call you friend. my path at the end of 2011 is very different than i envisioned for myself a few years ago. it is definitely simpler. way way less drama and almost no stress. this is awesome.

i am very proud of myself that i have made it through the roughest two years of my life without relying on anything other than myself to get through. I have certainly been pushed way back up against the wall and when i thought i might fall, i managed to hold on and have certainly made it to the dawn. That last step was a doozie though, and, as anyone that has been through the fire can attest, victory is sweet. alone and triumphant. finally almost ready to contemplate sharing my life with someone. almost to a point that i could consider trusting another person with my newly healed heart. that will be a long road. i know this. but i am willing to try. I feel an energy coming towards me now, sometimes i can feel his heart beating in time with my own. very strange, i know, but its true. exciting, scary too, a bit, but mostly exciting.

I actually dont know why i am writing this all down. just for my own record i guess. and maybe to make my intentions known to the world.


also, to announce that i am starting a new blog... i am embarking on a 52 project in 2012. it will be a photographic journey, linked to others that wish to join in. I have 52 words that people can interpret in any way they wish and upload a photo or photos to their own blog or whatever. I intend to make it an excercise in contemplation and meditation and also fun with camera and photoshop too probably. a tool to bring some of the fragmented parts of myself together and learn something about myself, having a bit of fun along the way. The blog is very much in its planning and testing stage, but will be ready to go for January 1st.

I will try and get into the habit of offloading a bit onto here also i guess. no promises, lol

have a great one,
may the road rise up to meet you and the wind be at your back


oh, ps, HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY AUNTY KERRIE!!!!!
awesome dinner Bro xoxoxoxo
luv ya guts xoxoxo
:)

what a ride….

wow, the last twelve months has been one of the hugest roller coaster rides I have ever been on….

First of all, I would  like to wish myself a happy anniversary… yesterday was twelve months to the day I left in order to return to me. Regrets??? none. I absolutely made the right decision and have never once, not even a teensy bit, wished i stayed. I am content beyond belief in that regard.

It has been a huge year. If leaving with the kids and starting afresh was not enough, i had to contend with the death of my mother. After spending some months establishing ourselves and getting into a routine that was working for us.. we lost mum. It was not entirely unexpected, but still a huge shock. And I had to be the one to find her…. that image will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. As hard as I try to shake it, i cannot. It is only in the last month or so that i can look back and realise that what knocked me off my track was that moment. I was going alright… but there were some issues, a letter, all conspired to erode the progress I had made.. when i looked back, i realised what had happened. I know that since then I have been more fragile. More easily knocked over. Way too easily sometimes…… The house of cards that I had carefully constructed for the past three decades or so came crashing down that day. I didn't notice at first. It seemed like all was ok. It is only after time, and the damaging effects can be seen fully. Sigh.. more work. Roll up sleeves, lol. In some ways my sense of self is shattered. I believed the illusion. The facade. It is gone now. The truth is glaringly obvious. A radical change of thinking and relating has been called for. It has been almost eight months….. i am climbing back up. I have a loooong way to go, but am getting there. Mothers day was hard. More than hard, it was truly awful. Not only was I a motherless daughter, but my own children spent lunchtime with their father and paternal Grandmother. I was supportive of this and actually suggested it. But it was soooo hard. I felt bereft. Hopefully by next mothers day I will be in a better place in my heart….

I am filled with gratitude to those friends and family that have stood by me. I would not have made it this far without you. It is very hard. Starting afresh. I have been there for a few of my friends who have gone through this. I was expecting to be challenged. Especially socially. My attention has been drawn on numerous occasions just where my past life had been lacking. Where i and my kids had totally missed out. I worry for the future for them. I hope to goodness that they find for themselves beautiful caring partners that have been given all the attention they deserved from BOTH parents. I wish I had of had the courage to walk away before I did. They and I all deserved much more. We were let down. Yes I made mistakes. But I struggled for many years to hold up both ends by myself and ended up dropping them a few times. I have been pushed beyond my limitations. Beyond my ability to cope. This is hard to recover from. This will take some time. Again Thank You friends. I do not know where I would be without you. In this same vein, I wish to vent my frustration at being let down by others that were very very dear to me. Friends that have been around longer than most. Friends that have been the recipient of my own support and love. Friends that dropped me like a hot rock in my most desperate time of need. Despite you I survive. I am very resentful actually. I am resentful of your attitude. I am resentful of your disrespect.  Treat thy neighbour…… etc.…… sad. Very sad. So on top of one loss, on top of another loss, another, then another. Rationalise all you like. Blame it on whoever you like. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you honoured me as the friend that I have been to you. The answer is NO. Beware the light at the end of the tunnel, it may just be the karma train heading your way!! I have to say that I am still quite lonely. But a year has gone by now and I am starting to feel that MAYBE, just maybe. I might be open to receiving friendship from others. I still have a long way to go self esteem ways, but I am working on it. I am feeling like there has to be SOMEONE out there that can speak nicely to me. That can hug me when i am sad. I feel that my shattered sense of self could afford someone that might be kind to me… someone that APPRECIATES me. I am a Virgo, five planets actually, most in conjunction. I live my life constantly watching those around me to see if i can help them in any way. Appreciation is high on my list of desirable traits. I practice what I preach. I am waiting…..

Samhain has just passed us….

is a time for reflection, both on what has passed over the course of the year, and what might be to come.

If there is a time when we seek inspiration from the spirit world, then this is it.

It is a time to lift the mask that has grown over time, and to see ourselves as we truly are.

And, if we find something that is not to our liking, then with the dawn of the new year, it is the time to resolve to make a difference.

Certainly a new time for me. It has been a long year.  A rewarding year. One I would never swap for the gifts it bought. The insights and the truths. The realisations, both good and bad. The progress. I have been honoured to have been able to look into the virtual mirror. I have had a loooong hard look at myself. As i mentioned before. I am a Virgo. My faults and flaws are GLARINGLY obvious to me. I have bought them out. Sorted through them and found many not worth worrying about. There have been a few that I have managed to overcome quite easily and move on from. A few haunt me, those that I truly feel are a life lesson. And those that I will need a companion to sort out.

I believe that our life's mission is to relate to others. I have mentioned this before. This belief stands. We are here to love thy neighbour. To look after each other. To love one another. Support and friendship is the key. No matter what the relationship is. It is all about the relating.

I need to move on to the next phase to truly take the next step. I am in no hurry. I have plenty to look after in the mean time.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life…….

 

Blessed be my friends

xoxoxo

it has been relentless and i am smashed...... sigh..... one more day of work then 19 days off !!! I think it will take me 18 of them to get over this past few weeks..... sigh again xoxo

Woo Hoo!!!!

Airlie is amazing today. She is sitting up, talking, she even went for a walk!!! They are just waiting for a bed for her in the ward, C3 most likely, and she is outta Intensive Care!!! Woo Hooo!!!! ♥

Thank you SOOOOOO much for all your support and well wishes. We are really ou t of the woods now

Update:

Airlie decided that she had had enough of the air tube last night, and decided to pull it out. It was a bit early, they would have done it today anyway, but were kind of waiting for the doctor to come and do it!! lol

Anyway, she has been breathing unassisted all night without the tube and is still on the improve, so thankfully all is well. It seems that she very well my move out of intensive care into a ward this afternoon some time...

thanks for your support guys, it is really appreciated. xoxo

Some good news!!

some good news!! Just called the nurse that I spoke to last night and she said the swelling has reduced significantly overnight!! She can see the back of her tongue now, where before there was no gap between her tongue and the roof of her mouth. Her temp is now low grade too!! She still has a swelling under her chin, which is directly under the piercing - so yeah, woo hoo!!! some really good news!! 

Thanks so much for all of your support

xoxoxo

my baby girl

oh my baby
i love you sooo much, from here to the moon and back an infinity times.
I stand by your bedside and i see you there, all filled with tubes and wires and needles and I feel absolutely distraught. You are there, with all those strangers, who are catering for your every need. Who are wiping your mouth, and smoothing your brow. Who are there when you are distressed and there when you are content.
I call in.. around the times i can due to work… because if i didn't work then i couldn't pay the rent. So I work, and i go there and i feel sooooo small. I feel soooooo helpless. My love for you isn't enough. It always used to be. Now not at all.
You are paying a huge price for the choice to be an individual. You are totally unique and this was a way for you to express that. It has gone horribly wrong.
I would swap places with you in an instant. I would give all i had for you to be well and happy. You are my world. You are my life. You are my everything. Along with your sister and brother, you are my reason for being.

The news this evening is a little more encouraging. It seems that the swelling is due to an allergic reaction. So, we just wait for the body to give up fighting…. it seems it is already giving up the fight, with a tiny improvement in swelling this evening. Her nurse said he could see a gap in her mouth, between her tongue and the roof of her mouth, that wasn't there at 1pm today. So this is good. The specialist called in, had a feel around, and said she thought the swelling had reduced a bit too.
HOPEFULLY she has turned a corner.
I am SURE it is to do with the outpouring of love and healing and best wishes that is coming from everywhere right now. Keep up the good work guys. it is making a difference.
Thank you so much
from the bottom of all our hearts
thank you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Airlie and her bestie Stace xoxo

please send love and healing

My gorgeous daughter Airlie decided to go and get some silly tongue piercing yesterday….

Her body rejected it in a big way. Her neck, throat and tongue has swollen to incredible proportions, this afternoon she had to have surgery to put a tube in place down her nose to ensure her airway doesnt get blocked altogether.

Consequently, she is in Intensive Care in John Hunter Hospital, and being kept heavily sedated, ie comatose, until the swelling goes down.

I am kind of in an ok place wit h this, i know she is in the absolute right place, and that air can get to her lungs if it swells further.

I am hoping this will be a bit of a wake up call for her, maybe the piercings etc are not all a good idea…. her lifestyle has been a bit extreme lately (well for the past two years).

 

She is a beautiful girl, her major problem is her lack of self esteem.. which has led to all this……

 

Airlie Girl, I love you from here to the moon and back. Please get well soon..

Luv Mum

xoxo

another day…

another rejection.

 

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRULY enough

 

I am reading a book called “Make Miracles in Forty Days” by Melody Beattie.

 

I am turning my life around.

 

Thank you my friends for your love and support.

It is truly appreciated. I must move forward from here, there is no other way.

 

Just the knowledge that there is something I can do is life changing.

empowerment is starting to creep in.

hope is rising…..

 

it will all be very different - SOON!!!

ALL because of me.

I am powerful beyond measure

 

thank you

xoxo

Yep……

“How do I feel?

Abandoned actually.....

Abandoned by my art.....

Abandoned by my friends......

Abandoned by my family......

Abandoned by my mother......

Kind of weird really because I am still here for all of you.....

as always

Maybe it's my turn to be the victim for a change?

Just sayin'.....

PFT....

Maybe it's just time to see things clearly.”

Posted today by my friend Michelle

I totally understand. Like I said to her, I could have posted this myself…

My life this last few weeks has been one rejection/abandonment after another.

And like Michelle, have been there for them.

Sad

It comes down to respect, and humility. Appreciation of others and willingness to go just that little bit further.

 

It appears that a huge change is afoot. A new age is dawning, and bullshit doesn't cut it any more. Lets get real people. Lets recognise the divinity in each other, not just break our own arm banging our own drum. Lets appreciate what has been done for/given to us, honour that, and attempt to respond in kind. If a real friend is suffering, then lend a hand or pat a shoulder.  Self given trophies do not mean much.

 

The last few weeks have been working full time… this always does me in. I need some ‘me’ time. Oh goddess, how i need some ‘me’ time. Ex has been working weekends too for the past few weeks so has not had the kids. I am in burnout mode. Burnt out and rejected is not a good look. And quite painful really…

 

Am just trying to get through the next two weeks, til the next school holidays. I will have TWO WEEKS OFF!!!! oh bliss oh bliss oh bliss. I am sooooo looking forward to this. Oh yes. I want what she is having.. lol

gotta laugh

if not, i will cry….. oops

Life is about relations with others

Not self. There are COPIOUS opportunities on high to be connected with Self. It is here on earth that we need to connect with others. If we cannot connect with others, i.e. we have conflict with spouse, offspring, friends, extended family, etc. then we seriously have to look inside for what is causing this conflict. Otherwise we might as well just take our bat and ball and go home??

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could. 

~ Louise Erdrich 

So much of life is going on and on around me right now. I am trying desperately to cling to some sense of calm, and reason and stay like a rock. I am also standing as strong as I can as waves of insecurity wash over my as an attack on my personal self after leaving my ex almost 12 months ago. It seems I have finally come out of some kind of fog.... resentment is raising its ugly head right now.....

My very core is emphasising, during all of this, that is our relations with others that is key. We are here on this earth to relate to others and to perfect our relating skills on a personal level, as this is unavailable to us on high.  A huge part of our learning here on this plane is about relationships and how we deal with the integration of our own energies in relation to those that are close to us. 

I am working very very hard to maintain and enhance those relations that are healthy for me right now, and those that are not conducive to my personal growth are dropping off all by themselves...

This is a good thing as it shows the progress I am making on a deeply personal level. 

I am working really hard to make sure that in some way I am moving forward each day. 

One step at a time.........

Much love

Jen

xoxo

Gee, that was fun!!

I was fluffing and fiddling around with the blog. Wanted to create a new look.


Might add a post later, and some of my more recent photos...

Off to finish cooking dinner now,

taa taa for now

xoxo