Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Angry and bitter words...

I am angry at you because you have taken away from me so many things.

And I am angry at myself because I let you.

And I am angry at myself because I waited too long to save myself.

You took away my youth. You took my best years and you mistreated and ignored me. You made me feel worthless and you didn’t support me in one little bit. You made me doubt every little shed of my own worth and made me feel that you didn’t love me and nobody else would love me either. You took away my body and my slenderness. You took away my agility and my suppleness. You took away my energy and my stamina.

And I let you.

You left me with a fat body. Diabetes. High blood pressure. And anxiety / panic attacks.

I am a shell of my former self.

I have had to fight to claw back what little I have resumed. And it isn’t enough.

You took my best years. The best years that could have been spent loving someone that really cared about me.

I have now spent over five years trying to heal those shattered parts of myself that you took for granted and ground into the dirt. Those parts of myself that, although holding back together by the thinnest of threads, threaten to re-shatter at any moment. For random reasons and no pattern or apparent trigger, I fall apart.

You smashed every part of me. My cooking. My housekeeping. Me as a mother. My music tastes. My taste in decorating. My self esteem is fragile and tenuous and collapses, also, for no apparent reason. Regularly.

You isolated me. You took away my friends. You tried to poison my kids minds.

You take no responsibility for any of this. You say I did all this to myself. Don’t play the blame game you said. Often. If ever I tried to stand up for myself you shot me down with ridicule and abuse. And if I ever said anything that you couldn’t shoot down in flames or ridicule, something that was truth and you felt it. You ignored me. You then waited until I lost my plot from being ignored then you started with the ridicule and abuse.

You have no family values and you didn’t allow me to instill them in my kids. You refused to eat at the table, so they also refused. You refused to be kind to me, so they were also unkind. You ridiculed me in front of them and you undermined most of my decisions. You refused to support me in any way. Still to this day I am forced to deal with the fallout of your neglect on an almost daily basis while you sit up in your castle. Peaceful and aloof.

Dear Karma, I know someone you missed.

I hate you.

And I hate myself for making such poor choices.

I hate that I did not value myself enough to free myself while I was still young and healthy and slim.

Now I am old. Fat. Bitter. Ugly. Sick. Angry. Damaged.

In the words of Cher… ‘If I could turn back time…………’

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