Monday, 5 May 2008

Hmmmm.... pondering

I am led to ponder this evening, on the dark of the moon.

I have just had about my 4th passing comment, chance read etc that has reminded me of the miscarriages i suffered. Stories of people grieving. Hmmmm.

At the time (they were in about '98 and '99), I felt very sad, but then dealt with it and moved on. I rarely think about it. I was only about 8 weeks pregnant both times, and i cant remember why they happended... just one of those things i suppose.

My pondering has led me to remember that my mother also had two miscarriages, though these days they probably would be termed still born as they were both at 6 months gestation. They were both before I was born, and they were both girls. I have always wanted a sister. I have always wished that one of them had survived so i could have had a big sister. I have never really explored the notion that I DO have a sister. I have two of them. And have not tried consciously to connect with them. Hmmmmm. Pondering. Might find some quiet space in a minute and do just that.

Well that leads me directly back to my experiences. I have been trying to pinpoint the time when I started to lose patience. When I kinda gave up. I wonder if that it was then. It is sort of around the right time i think. Funny thing is, that although they were not all that long ago, i can barely remember them. Just the really awful bits. I dont really want to dredge up something that is better off resting, but maybe I should explore this a little too. Just gently. Acknowledge the babes. Connect with them too.


I can feel a soulcollage card coming on....

On another note, just quickly, had to go to work today, and tomorrow, and the day after. Phew. Least we may be able to afford to eat this month. Good thing that. I spent the day today sorting out the Key Safe at school. Sorting, re-labelling and testing about 150 keys in about 100 locks. Shit. Did my head in.

Tomorrow i will be doing copious photocopying and Wednesday will be a nice cushy job in the office on the new office chair. Noice.

Plan on coming to ATC on Wednesday night to see Robert Young. I havent seen him for quite a few years now, probably about 7 - 8 years or so. Will be interesting to see how things have progressed. As long as his lordship is home early enough to take kira to touch footy - bugger it, i will drop her at a team mates house if he isnt, and she can get a lift. Ok - I will be there.

Well, better go to bed. I have to get up early to get ready for work.

Luv Jen


Myst_72 said...

Hi Jen,

You took many of the thoughts out of my head and blogged them!
I was having similar thoughts last night, having read a few blogs on grief and miscarriage - and starting thinking about my own, and my Mums...


Faerie said...

Thinking of you Jen xOx

Cyndy said...

I had a miscarriage in between my boys, Jen, at 11 weeks. I "knew" that something was not right for about a week before I miscarried, but was put on bedrest and told that everything appeared normal. Not so. I am sure that the baby was a girl, and named her (Ainsley) and still have her positive pregnancy test. I felt guilty afterwards, because by the time that I finally miscarried as I had already dealt with the potential and eventual loss of my baby, (I was even a bit relieved, to be honest), but everybody was showering me with sympathy, but I felt ok within myself. And no-one addressed the impact of this on my husband, just me. Even though he had lost a baby as well.
My mum had 5 miscarriages in between my brother and I, but the one that hit her hardest was the baby after me, Rowan, who she delivered as a "miscarriage" at 5months. She barely saw him, was never able to bury him, and carried her grief at his loss throughout her life.

Tough stuff to confront, but necessary.

Love to you. xoxox

Faerie said...

Yum ... I love the background colour!