Loyalty

loy·al·ty  (loil-t)

n. pl. loy·al·ties

1. The state or quality of being loyal. 

2. A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection. Often used in the plural: My loyalties lie with my family.

 

 

I have had cause lately to wonder about the LOYALTY of some of the people I know... 

 

Because of this I have come to realise that this trait is something that is VERY important to me. It is essential, in fact. 

 

Believe me when I say that I am not asking of you, any more than I would ask of myself. If you are important in my life (you know who you are) you can count on me. I would go to the ends of the earth for you and will 'have your back' WITHOUT FAIL!! 

I mean that.... 

And I have had cause to prove this to you. On more than one occasion during our long association. Many more. 

So imagine my surprise when you betrayed me in the most hurtful way. By accepting an invitation to celebrate the life of the person that has HURT ME THE MOST in this lifetime. 

UN-apologetically?? Your surprise at my hurt would have been funny if wasn't even more hurtful. It never occurred to you that I might be hurt by your actions. Apparently.....

 

Let me fill you in on a little secret, because at this point I am pretty sure that you are clueless as to this concept right now. As one of the handful of people that I would go to the ends of the earth to without thought, were the situation reversed, I would be sitting with you, around a table, a glass of wine, some cheese and crackers, carefully planning his demise. Painful and drawn out it would be. He would be sorry he messed with you, and if he messes with you, he messes with me also. Because I love you like a sister. 

So if my partner were having a milestone birthday, and he said, hey, lets invite her ex. I would scream NOOOOOOOO. Are you fucking KIDDING!!!!! 

I wish you screamed that for me. 

Now... I am to be put in the position of discomfort. At the place of my very own 'sister'. I am to share this space with the arsehole of the century. 

Loyalty..... 

Dear Blog

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gee its been a while...

What a long time between blogs!! I think thats a new record. Its been an eventful few months.

The usual roller coaster ride from blissfully amazing highs to woefully shattered lows.

The main thing though is that there has been incredible progress made in this time. I have spent long long days and nights 'down the rabbit hole' and there is barely a shred of my soul left unsearched.

I emerge from this period of time with some new scars, but with a shiny sense of self for the most part - obviously, if i was perfect then I would be dead... or Jesus, and I am clearly neither, so there is a way to go of course.

Life is INCREDIBLY busy. Busier now than it ever was when I had babies and toddlers. Definitely the busiest days of my life right now. My job, which has been casual and temporary for the past ten years has just been made permanent. So as long as Barry keeps his hands away from around my throat, I am home and hosed. I think I will be safe but fingers crossed we all get to keep our jobs.

Still searching for a house to buy, but now the job is permanent, then a home loan will be easier to come by, more secure and less worry for me for sure. My guidance has been assuring me that a new home is not far away now and we are sooo excited. A new start in so many ways, renting a house after being a home owner for twenty years is a rude shock, although I am so grateful for the haven that this place has been. Will not miss my landlord though, arrogant, condesending, misogynistic prick that he is. I dont like him, did you notice?? lol. The places we have inspected are getting closer and closer to what i need so hopefully it wont be too much longer now.

It is just so amazingly liberating to be able to make these decisions for myself and choose what suits me and my kids. Sometimes it is a bit hard to control the thought processes, when there is little outlet, they tend to roam around and around, but I am slowly learning to work with this constructively. Loving being my own person. Relishing sharing EXACTLY what it is I wish to share at any time with any person. Being completely responsible for my own shit, loving it. Of course, a friend with benefits every now and again would be appreciated, if you get my drift. ;)

Much much more to say, will try and make more regular installments, as it is good to get this stuff out for me also.

Wonderful to see you again. I have nothing to hide and will enjoy sharing this next part of my journey with you.

Kind regards
Jen
xoxoxo

Project 52

If you are into photography, and would like to join in, here is the link to my Project 52. It is only just starting and is my attempt to make sure I take more photos..... 

http://fiftytwowords.blogspot.com/

The theme for this week is Love