revelation

Constantly in awe. I am totally blown away AGAIN by the incredible insights that are available via Astrology. This is such a huge subject. With so many facets, all with their own so many facets… i think I will be learning about this for THE REST OF MY LIFE. Although the info is flowing thick and fast lately. I am also filled with gratitude for the guidance I have been receiving, pointing me to where to find the answers.

Incredible.

Listening to that niggle that forced me to keep looking. To keep following a seemingly endless trail that led me to the answer that can explain my feelings for the past month. I am soo glad that my increased knowledge  has allowed me to understand what I was reading, which kept me following that trail.

I am going to include the following passage from www.cafeastrology.com article on transiting Saturn (grrr Saturn AGAIN, or should i say STILL) for my own information. So I can look back and know when this was. Transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal Venus about two and a half weeks ago.

What has carried you to date in the world of your social and romantic relationships may no longer feel satisfying or worthwhile for you during this transit. It's time to assess your relationship needs, attitudes, and capabilities. You may be withdrawing yourself emotionally as you become more serious, critical, and concerned about a significant relationship in your life. You may begin to see serious flaws, and any superficial interactions may begin to bother you. You might temporarily have a hard time "going through the motions". Fears that you might get hurt could be self-fulfilling prophecies if you are not careful now. While you should definitely take some time to come to terms with what you are now seeing, you should also understand that in the initial stages of this transit your thinking is skewed towards the negative. You are losing the rose-coloured glasses and eventually you will be able to see your relationships in a most realistic light--you will see them for exactly what they are. However, the first stage of this process is rather severe and unforgiving, so take your time before making any major decisions.

Major insight. Thank you.

A weight has also lifted off my shoulders over the past few days. I am feeling sooo much lighter after unburdening my brain of all that  dross the other day. I really needed to get that out and am so glad I did. So it seems that progress is being made in an onward and upward motion, with plans finally starting to come together and opportunities arising that would have not been possible a few weeks ago. Thank the Goddess…. i am ever grateful for progress made with integrity and grace.

 

On a lighter note. I have had a very full and fun weekend. Had eldest’s 18th birthday dinner on Friday night - much fun and laughter. Plenty of champers getting splashed around too. A milestone reached in the life of my baby, so only two more years til she is in her twenties….. waiting waiting waiting.. lol

Also last night. Had another houseful. The girls from the area which i am currently living - friends I was quite close to when my daughters attended primary school in the area - several live within about a five minute walk from the house we are living in now. The decided that they were all coming over for a Singstar night last night. OMG, what a great night. My voice was a bit hoarse this morning, after all that singing, and all that laughing. And was a bit slow after all that drinking… my poor liver this weekend. Oh well, you are only young once, lol.

It is so wonderful to feel like I am living again. Even though some parts are really really hard. I am still glad I left. I am quite lonely, even with it seemingly like lots of people are coming and going. This past weekend has been out of the ordinary in that way. I have been working a lot, and that has seriously cut into my social life. Now K is working, and A is 18, I am not able to go out at night. I cannot commit to anything of an evening. Plus I cannot commit to anything during the day with working casually like I do. Sigh. Oh well. Eventually it will sort itself out. Just feeling a bit ‘out of the loop’ i guess. But when I read the above passage about my saturn/venus bizzo, I guess it was inevitable and is part of a grand ‘shake up’ in that area. Hmmmmm

Anyway, am tired now and going to bed.

Take care my friends, blessed be

Luv Jen

xoxo

rambling…

again

 

 

so many thoughts running through my head.

I am in the hugest of transitions right now and I am not exactly sure how to proceed. So I am just going with my heart. I am trying to figure out the meanings of the signs and the feelings I have been getting. Plus the messages I have been getting from my guides.It all points to a shift away from where I was already.

I must be The Fool. I must trust that i am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

 

Some threads of thought that are going through my head. 

I want you to remember that I am on my own journey too. I am not an extension of YOUR journey. I have my own things that I must be doing, learning, achieving. I am doing quite well on those fronts too. So much has been gained lately, lots has been lost too, but there has been more gains. My job right now is very important. It is just as important as yours, or hers or his. Yours is important too. But no more important than mine. Nor mine yours. Why do you think that I am insignificant. Why do you believe that I am here to serve you. I am not. Why does it matter to me that you treat me badly. You ignore me, you freeze me out. It shouldn't, but it does. It hurts. It hurts that you have pushed me aside. I am wondering if this is because of my current situation here, alone, and maybe now I am a threat to you. I wonder. I wonder if you wish to make sure you avoid any of my insecurities, even though you have had plenty of your own and i supported you right through them. Why do you disrespect me. Why do you not answer the phone when I ring. Why do I bother. Why am I upset that you are absent. Why do i want to be near you when you make me feel unworthy. Why do you try and make me feel unworthy. Why cant you respect me enough to tell me what is going on. Why do others think you are kind and loving when you have hurt someone that has been there for you time and time again. Why do I care. Why do I cry. Why do I want things to change. Why am I on the edge of this precipice. Will I jump. Will anyone be there to catch me. I think not. I must do it alone now because I cannot trust you anymore. You have let me down. Why did I let you let me down again. I dont know what will happen from here on in, but my intuition tells me it is something huge. Maybe it is best if you are not around for that. You would not cope with that, no not at all. I am here. I am heart centred. I am learning. I am strong. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am the best me I can be. I am doing it all for me.

My blog posts lately have been disjointed ramblings as I am trying to make sense of this world. I am struggling a bit here, but overall I am on top of it. I must straighten this out in my mind. It is coming together. I have been getting some huge messages from my guides and have been pointed towards astrology in my life over and over and over again.

 

This is a crossroads

This is transition.

I must continue to seek within for the answers, they come to me as I need them. I understand that if something happens that I do not understand, I sit with it in my consciousness for a while and invariably the answers come. It is my human emotions that are hurting the most here. I am suffering rejection from those that I trusted most deeply. For reasons that I know not. Is it fear. Is it ego. Is it meant to be.

What is next…. I must wait and ponder some more…

 

xoxo

drifting…

I knew this would happen.

I am drifting in random directions right now. The only grounding anchor I have is work. And I have been getting a lot of days lately. Which is good. And is  also bad. Because it cuts me off. And I hate being cut off. It is a double edged sword. I find myself really enjoying the work I am doing at school, I get lots of positive feedback and intellectual stimulus, which I enjoy. I also get the chance to meet and mix with lots of people that don't normally move in my circles. I have made some very deep friendships and it is wonderful to be in the company of such amazing women and even a few men. The money is good too!! Oh yes, it is necessary for the money, seeing as Centrelink saw fit to take $130 per fortnight off me after they took into the calculations the money i have been getting in child support. Even though I have told them about it from the start!!! OMG, that was hard. BUT - only ten minutes after getting the letter letting me know about the deductions, I looked at my Inharmony Astrology for the week. The first couple of lines read -

“it's not really about the money. it's about what lies beneath it. value of yourself, your own self-worth, is where all manner of abundance first springs from. if somewhere deep within you feel you are lacking- then the outer will express the inner. with Saturn in your 2nd house of finances and self-worth for the next 2 1/2 years deep lessons about these subjects are set to unfold.”

Fark. 2 and a half years. Like I haven't suffered enough with Saturn for the LAST two and a half years…. sigh. OH well, must get on with it then… If that wasn't a mallet to the side of the head, i don't know what was.

So, immediately after I saw the astro info, I started affirming and manifesting. work started pouring in. Which is good. Except for the aforementioned state of being cut off. Sigh. My days are my only outlet now. I cannot go out nights. Not with any regularity anyway. Maybe random nights… I have even had to give up my dance lessons… (don't think about it and you will not get a mental image that you would rather not have, lol).

 

I am gathering that this information relates more to my creative side, and my inability to accept money for anything I do for anyone I know personally. It is about putting value on myself and my abilities and my talents.

I have just completed my third portrait session and have been really happy with the results. The latest one was really hard as it was quite dark and the child was a crawling baby. This presented lots of issues, but we overcame a lot of them and managed to get a few really good shots. Enough for our purposes anyway. Excellent.

My  next mission is to create a nice watermark and nice website. Then I am off. I have a plan!! I will see it through.

Then when I win lotto I will be able to do all this creative stuff whenever I want to without worrying about money.  :D yay, that will be good.

 

Also this last week, on the same day actually, Airlie turned 18 (cringe) and Kira started work at Hungry Jacks. What a huge day for us.  We survived though, and life goes on. Kira is still working, and Airlie is partying hard. :D

 

Anyway, there is lots more. I am struggling with lots of issues, regarding trust and betrayal. Also valuing self as I mentioned before.

It is a pretty huge set of stuff that is going on right now. Especially being alone and unsupported. Sigh. It will be all ok in the end, and if it isn't ok, then it isn't the end. I know all this.

Thanks for listening.

Jen

xoxo

Disappointment…

I find myself very disappointed in people today.

So many are blissfully ignorant of their effect on others. Especially those with giant egos that need constant stoking, and what amazes me most is that so many rush to constantly do the stroking. What the hell is that all about. People who just ride roughshod over everyone and everything that comes in their way. With just the thought of where the next boost of dragged out energy will come from. I would love to see some people live for a day without lavish praise. Like in the real world. Some praise is nice, definitely, but when it becomes overdone, I guess it is like an addictive drug that they cannot get enough of. Well I certainly can. I do what i can to keep my energy to myself and not contribute, but right now, at this time, there has been such an avalanche of prima donnas that I am overwhelmed and frustrated big time.  Couple with that, a long standing sacred oath  of over 40 years that was recently broken. Unapologetically. Sigh. Words cannot describe how hurt I am over that. I actually don't think i will ever get over it. Shhh, listen, what is that sound?? Oh, that is just my trust in you shattering all over the floor. Double sigh.

I am venting. I need to get this out because it is festering inside of me. I need to shout it to the world. BEND OVER IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR - ITS DARK UP THERE !!!!!

Sorry. I need to get this out.

I feel better now, and very tired. I am going to bed. Will try to post something along a more positive line soon. Will try, honest!!

Jen

xoxo