hey ho fellow travellers

Much going on in my mind today

Many things to think about

for example - Yesterday my brothers wife came over with their two boys (age almost 12 and 8). My mum came too. We had lunch and my mother launched herself into her patterns. I was amusedly watching with a bit of detatchment how she blatently threw herself at my eldest nephew, and he relished the attention that he got over his brother and three cousins. She also attacked me about my hair and how she hates how i wear it. All done in a jovial manner. Later on in the day, when i delivered her the soup i had made for her that she forgot to take home, she attacked my shoes, sigh.

I thought about it all and have chosen to think along the lines that she has my 'best interests' at heart. She obviously thinks I look terrible and doesnt want people thinking badly of me, so she tries to set me straight.

This set me thinking about how I have internalised these attacks that have been happening for at least the past thirty years, since i was a teenager. Probably since she lost control of how i dress or look.

I wonder at what age she will consider me old enough to choose for myself. I will be 44 next month. Shaking head here.


Another thing it got me thinking about is my reaction to her hurtful comments. She was obviously trying to impose her will upon me. I just shrugged it off and moved on. Like I almost always do when someone hurts/offends me or (in my opinion) judges me unfairly. I shrug it off. Straighten my shoulders and move on. I pretend it didnt hurt. I swallow down a tear, shake it off and continue as if nothing was said.

On another level i can always feel that a wound has been reopened. I rationalise it and then push it down.

Why dont I stand up for myself. Why do I let people hurt me. Especially my family. Mostly my mother and brother. They dont have much respect for me I think, not at its most basic level.

As the old saying goes - 'You can pick your friends, but you cant pick your relatives'. Never a truer word spoken.....

 

Oops... was that an applecart I just upset... oh no. Of course not. hmmmmmmm

It doesn’t have to be difficult if you remember that it’s not supposed to be easy.


I wonder if the Eclipse of the Sun today had anything to do with heightened emotions.

Yes. It was at 29 degrees Cancer.  Cancer is emotional, home and family. New Moons signify rebirth, beginnings, a clean slate, the start of a new cycle. The New Moon falls in my 8th house.  
New Moon in the 8th House The 8th house is multi-faceted and multi-layered. In the physical realm, the 8th house represents sex and shared resources/finances. In the psychological plane, it represents power struggles within our own psychological makeup and our ability to embrace the "darker" version of our self without it overpowering us. On a spiritual level, it represents "death and rebirth", transformation, regeneration -- the need for something to "die" in order for a "rebirth" to occur -- as in a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. A new moon in the 8th house is generally intense and difficult but also powerful.hmmm - there was lots more information. I found it here  As above, so below. Interesting stuff


I am quite tired now. Will wander off and read for a bit before going to bed I think...

My love to all

xoxo
:)






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(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo