Thursday, 19 April 2007

Oh dear - you and i both knew it would happen. I PROMISED i would blog more tonight.... here it is, its now 'tonight' and i am struggling to keep my eyes open. The dishes are still in the sink and there is more to unpack. Tomorrow is HUGE. I am overwhelmed. I might have to leave the story til tomorrow. Although, a friend may be sleeping over so if she does it will be done on the weekend.

Naughty bad blogger i am.

And i have so much to say too....

oh dear, let me relate this one story, not so much about the trip but something that happened in the process........... read on.....

For the last 12 months or so, i sometimes get 'weird heads'. That's what i call it anyway. It started when i was returning home from Canberra, driving with just me and the kids in the car. We got to about Campbelltown or so, on our way back to sleep at my brothers house in Sydney. Well all of a sudden i felt light headed and a bit 'spacey'. I pulled over straight away and walked around for a while on the side of the freeway until i felt semi ok - i had no choice but to keep going - no driver to take over. Well there was roadworks and traffic was built up and to cut a long story short it took almost 4 hours to drive what should have been about an hour and a half. The whole time i felt weird. The only relief i could get was to grab the back of my neck with my hand. The whole way, and then home again from Sydney the next morning was harrowing.

It felt a little like i was severely un-grounded. For a person who has always been a really confident driver (for 20 something years) i didn't understand why this happened. I wasn't even remotely stressed. Since then i have experienced the same kind of thing whenever i was stuck in heavy traffic, in a large group of people, where there is lots of people around, or talking to someone who is either really, really boring, or someone who is really, really intense. Strange eh.... and although this happened quite frequently to start with, 12 months or so ago, the incidences have been gradually decreasing and only happening every now and again (last time was at the opening of the healing room at The Cottage)

Last Monday, when i was heading off to the Central Coast i felt fine. Totally forgot about the 'weird head thing'. When i hit about the tuggerah exit or so it popped into my head. I thought 'oh wow, i feel fine - that's good'. about a minute later i started to get all fidgety (sure sign it is starting). then the spacey bit started. SHIT, I BOUGHT THIS ON MYSELF!!! So then i started furiously grounding myself, which worked while i was doing it actively, but wore off almost immediately when i stopped consciously grounding. I then spent the next fair while (as long as it takes) until we reached the gosford exit in a state of mild panic, that i would pass out and kill myself, my kids, and my daughters friend, and possibly someone else too. Funnily enough, the minute i hit the exit it disappeared. I was absolutely fine for the rest of the trip. No trouble driving around the area for a few days. Although the trip home was stressing me to the max. I decided to take the scenic route home and come along the coast instead of the freeway.

I arrived home without even a twinge of a worry. Hmmmmm, is it 'speed' do you think?? Maybe not being grounded, this obviously is an issue, but why in the car??? why at 120kph.. oops i mean 110!!! Is it the freeway... ? Is it the presence of a lot of people? Why... why... why... Am i doomed never to drive fast again!! I have NEVER before had an issue with driving - hence heading to Canberra etc with a car full of kids and being the only driver. Not a worry - fully confident. Its kind of like anxiety or panic too... but WHY??? i don't get it...

can anyone out there get any guidance on this for me, cause it is REALLY bothering me...

thanks guys and i really hope to get on tomorrow and be able to blog the whole shebang. Oh I just remembered i had a dream Lisa where i was sleeping at your house... wow, the things you remember at odd moments....

and i was only going to post a short story tonight, it is more like a small novel!!

thanks for sticking with me

Luv Jen
xoxo

9 comments:

Anchell said...

Anxiety jen .....used to get the same thing...still do sometimes...that and feeling like my eyes are gonna roll back in my head any minute...maybe we are possessed?
Seriously, once it starts for me I just tell myself what it is and dont let it bother me and then it goes away, usually.
But it is anxiety.
As far as i know.....

rainbowspirit said...

yeah, thats what it feels like, though can you be anxious without feeling even the slightest twinge of discomfort or stress? dunno.

Kathleen said...

Yes you certainly can!

Jen I have been having anxiety attacks since 1985 that have ranged from mild to debilitating, and I do experience the same kind of "weird - head" you speak of, for me it is a way of trying to get out of the present ... to be somewhere else, somewhere safe real quick ... I experience most of my anxiety in the car and for me it is connected to claustrophobia - I do not like being boxed in or contained in small spaces - LOL, this may be happening in large crowds too.

May need to speak to someone to find out why the anxiety is coming up and learn some techniques to maintain a sense of peace.

Anchell said...

Or maybe its just a rush of energy moving through us....that makes sense too but sometimes its an awfully long rush.....
I notice it most when Im driving and cant distract myself.
I remember when it first started it terrified me so much that it ended up full blown anxiety and panic attacks....BUT thats because fear feeds fear you know.
So, my advice is to just acknowledge that you are feeling it at times, dont stress about it...it will pass.
Always.
me xx

Anchell said...

Oh yes, and its always worse in the week before my period....!

Jacqui said...

Anxiety can come without warning and without supposed reason, so it could definitely be that. It's to do with the chemicals in your brain going a tad haywire..... you never always know what triggers it, but for some people, they have definite triggers like crowds, stress, etc. Sounds like you got the chemical mishmash...
:(

Cyndy said...

Sounds like anxiety to me too. Some people of the famous variety have reported a similar, overwhelming feeling before performing, even though it had never been been a problem before. Maybe some professional advice may help eg actual triggers, coping strategies etc. Scary when it can happen at 120(110)kph, isn't it. But it's very, very unlikely that you will have an accident as a result.

School's almost back.......

Anchell said...

I have a book you can borrow to gain some understanding of the why etc....

rainbowspirit said...

i would love to read it thank you - understanding would be good...