another timely reminder...this new moon is full on... opportunities

another opportunity for growth and for healing...

Reflect on your periods of ashes-times of darkness-when you set fire to your own nest, were consumed by the flames of loss then emerged transformed like the phoenix.
How many times have you squeezed out of an old shell that suffocated you?
What did you learn from what you walked away from?
Take your heart in your hands today and refuse to turn your back on the summons of your life.... Hare in the Moon Astrology

When I think back over my life there has been quite a few instances of 'ashes-times of darkness'. Its interesting to note that on virtually every occasion, there has been a catyalyst and a volcanic like bursting from the flames to find myself transformed into another incarnation of myself. I believe I am in the process of this purging right now. When I close my eyes I can see great avalanches of baked on crud loosening and falling in sheets from my body. The great piles of hardened crap, that has been weighing me down for years, is falling away. The build up of rock and armour like protection around my body is cracking and falling away. Mentally I am going through a huge 'revisiting' period, with situations, words, feelings, emotions, churning up past my awareness for a last look before (hopefully) being transcended for good... this is actually a much more painful process than I expected and it is interesting to see the patterns that are emerging... Some feelings and emotions are harder to revisit than others, a couple of them are clinging to me and I need to remove those before they take root again.  And again, as per most of these kind of memories I have in my life, I am alone. Sometimes I wish I could share this with a special person, but there isnt one.. never has been really. Sometimes I think that I get trapped under the weight of this crap because just the sheer force of it all going around and around in my head keeps me from being able to see my way clear. The bottom of the pond is being churned up and surfacing right in front of my eyes...

There is no option but to keep walking.. putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make sense of all this. Put it in its place and reject that which no longer serves me.

Belonging...

Such a basic human desire...

To belong to a group. To be an integral, loved and cherished part of a group of people. To love and cherish a group of people as much as you know you are loved and cherished.

Many people find this in their family unit. Some are lucky enough to be blessed with a loving family group plus a group of friends who are also a bonded group. Lots of people feel they are a valued and appreciated at work and find a real sense of belonging due to their job.

Some people find themselves without a 'tribe'. Without a loving, caring, supportive group who form a real cocoon around them. Who have no cocoon. Who have nobody who actually really care, on a tangible scale.

I am finding myself to be one of these people.

I do indeed have some sattelite friends who are very loving towards me. But who have their own lives and their own groups of friends and who only briefly touch on my life occasionally. And without these 'satellite moments', I think I would find myself in more of the depths of despair than i already am.

I am more of an occasional 'honorary member', an onlooker.

Sadly, this often serves to demonstrate to me what I have been missing for most of my life.

As my life goes on, I desperately wish to have my own 'tribe'. A close knit group of friends who are there for each other through thick and thin. Who will be there if someone is not right, even knowing and jumping in when needs be. To feel loved and cherished and even adored is my most deepest desire.

Angry and bitter words...

I am angry at you because you have taken away from me so many things.

And I am angry at myself because I let you.

And I am angry at myself because I waited too long to save myself.

You took away my youth. You took my best years and you mistreated and ignored me. You made me feel worthless and you didn’t support me in one little bit. You made me doubt every little shed of my own worth and made me feel that you didn’t love me and nobody else would love me either. You took away my body and my slenderness. You took away my agility and my suppleness. You took away my energy and my stamina.

And I let you.

You left me with a fat body. Diabetes. High blood pressure. And anxiety / panic attacks.

I am a shell of my former self.

I have had to fight to claw back what little I have resumed. And it isn’t enough.

You took my best years. The best years that could have been spent loving someone that really cared about me.

I have now spent over five years trying to heal those shattered parts of myself that you took for granted and ground into the dirt. Those parts of myself that, although holding back together by the thinnest of threads, threaten to re-shatter at any moment. For random reasons and no pattern or apparent trigger, I fall apart.

You smashed every part of me. My cooking. My housekeeping. Me as a mother. My music tastes. My taste in decorating. My self esteem is fragile and tenuous and collapses, also, for no apparent reason. Regularly.

You isolated me. You took away my friends. You tried to poison my kids minds.

You take no responsibility for any of this. You say I did all this to myself. Don’t play the blame game you said. Often. If ever I tried to stand up for myself you shot me down with ridicule and abuse. And if I ever said anything that you couldn’t shoot down in flames or ridicule, something that was truth and you felt it. You ignored me. You then waited until I lost my plot from being ignored then you started with the ridicule and abuse.

You have no family values and you didn’t allow me to instill them in my kids. You refused to eat at the table, so they also refused. You refused to be kind to me, so they were also unkind. You ridiculed me in front of them and you undermined most of my decisions. You refused to support me in any way. Still to this day I am forced to deal with the fallout of your neglect on an almost daily basis while you sit up in your castle. Peaceful and aloof.

Dear Karma, I know someone you missed.

I hate you.

And I hate myself for making such poor choices.

I hate that I did not value myself enough to free myself while I was still young and healthy and slim.

Now I am old. Fat. Bitter. Ugly. Sick. Angry. Damaged.

In the words of Cher… ‘If I could turn back time…………’