Saturday, 3 October 2009

Huge….

Sometimes life changing moments come at times when you least expect it.
Last night, while I was cooking dinner and minding my own business, did I least expect a full blown character assassination by the man that i married. Some of his points were quite valid. I will own them. Some of them were so far off the wall – and so totally rich coming from him that is was ludicrous. It hurt a real lot though. One of my least favourite things – getting stripped down and ripped apart randomly. Our relationship has been pretty crap for a while now. I have known for some time that i would not spend the rest of my life with him. I admire him (mostly) as a person though – and we would make very good friends i think. Hopefully we can remain friends and remain on good terms for the sake of the kids and for the sake of our own sanity too.
I will not go into any sordid details here – but we have agreed that it is over and will spend the next couple of months finishing renovating our house, sell it, and go our separate ways.
A relief. And earth shattering too. Am scared witless and excited all at the same time. Gulp.
Life changing moment number 2
today – the funeral of my eldest half brother Paul. Paul was 57 when he passed over earlier this week from a suspected epileptic seizure. They are not sure 100%, but it matters not. I have not had a lot of contact with Paul …. ever really. He suffered some kind of retardation due to his difficult birth and although he was married (no kids) we never really saw much of him. I am very close to my other half brother though. Today, at Pauls funeral, I was blown away at what people said about him. He was inspirational in life for so many others – and now, in death, he is inspirational to me too. I have chosen to learn from his example of rising above the adversities his life threw at him and to find the positive side of life.
RIP brother. Until we meet again……..
Life changing moments number 3
Oh, the difference a few milligrams makes. My middle child – the most incredible child. The woman/child who is 14 going on 22. Who is talented to an absurd degree in anything that she CHOOSES to do. Who has been diagnosed and medicated for adhd for the past two years. With varying levels of success. A couple of months ago we hit upon the ideal dosage for school achievement and even she has been proud of what she has managed over the past few weeks. It has bliss and i have revelled in getting to know this beautiful and amazing young lady once again. Here is a self portrait of her that she edited herself for her myspace thingy. Stunning – even if i do say so myself….
Well – she has always refused to take her tablets during school holidays and weekends. We have always managed quite well during these times. But this time it is different. It is like the crash from the higher dosage is huger then it was before. She is getting herself worked up about anything that annoys her and is letting fly with a stream of abuse towards me in particular that does not stop for at least ten minutes or so. I wish i could get her to take the tablets but she wont. I understand her reluctance and have always stood by her choice to remain drug free for as much of her life as possible. But this is pretty hard to deal with. Twice in the past two days – while i was on the phone with my brother regarding Pauls funeral, and my boss regarding what happened at school on the last day, she has had a meltdown, complete with swearing like a wharfie to the point that I had to hang up in a hurry. Its like having a frikken three year old again. Shit. I am hoping that she will level out soon.
Anyway – suffice to say that I am very very delicate at this moment. I was touched beyond belief at the service for my brother today. A service that was non denominational at a funeral chapel close to where i live. The guy who ran it was either pagan or spiritual though and some words slipped out that spoke directly to my heart and soul and had me sobbing uncontrollably at one point. So much is at stake here. It seems that I have always sacrificed myself. No more. No more will I allow the negative side of my life to drag me down to the edge of the abyss. I am so over that. I WILL be happy damnit!! I will be independant and strong. Just like I used to be. Before I got dragged down. I cant remember how it happened. I suspect it has to do with life itself. And the accumulative effect – much like the straw and the camels back. I now vow to my brother Paul, that in his memory, I will build myself up, with as many positive experiences as I can – to be as positive and happy as i possibly can.
Thank you - this has been an epic rant. Que serra serra.
Jen
xoxo

13 comments:

Kerry said...

Hugs Jen, your in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Oh honey , my thoughts and love is with you .... Vicki xxxxxx

Michelle said...

Wow...go Jen!

xxx

Evil Twin's Wife said...

{{{Hugs}}}, sounds like you've been through a myriad of emotions in such a short time span. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Wait on second thoughts ... F it .. go off and find your Moejo .ffs .. be single and happy ......... V xxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Wow.

Huge, yes!

xxxxxxx

Red Mum

Jewell said...

an amazing time....hugs to you xxx

Myst_72 said...

Goodness Jen, so much for you to be dealing with all at once.

Thinking of you,

G
xxx

Lisa said...

she needs he rmeds constantly, not chopping and changing every eight weeks- i know;stating the obvious but wow, friggin kids at that age, stubborn little twits........
as for the rest, it seems resolution is on its way and what a shame you didnt know Paul better in this world.
From my own experience i know that Paul's are life altering........
love you Morgs
me x

The Tall Red Head said...

A shitty time that will end up for the best...speaking from experience here :-) I am glad I took 5 years and a move to Tassie..look what happened for me. Good luck Jen, it will be hard for a while, but better soon xx

wykd wytch said...

enormous for you....a decision made my God..this has been such a fear for you for such a long time.....hugs to you.w.w.

Wendy said...

Sending blessings of love and strength to you. Big changes, to be sure, but positive movement and it's the only way you will be able to get the things in life that will set your heart free.
*hugs* always,
Wendy.

Dawn said...

-big hugs-
Ending a relationship is so hard but when it's the right thing to do, it will all work out in the end and you'll be better for it.
Your daughter does need to take her meds consistently. You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes or depression to take them for a few months and then stop for 2 weeks and then start again. It's not good for her body or her mind. She needs to come to terms with the fact that she may be on meds for the rest of her life and that it's NOT a weakness. If it helps her, I say go for it. Taking a medication doesn't make you a weak or a bad person, whether its for a physical or a mental condition. Medication is just another tool to improve someone's quality of life.
xxoo
D.