Huge….

Sometimes life changing moments come at times when you least expect it.
Last night, while I was cooking dinner and minding my own business, did I least expect a full blown character assassination by the man that i married. Some of his points were quite valid. I will own them. Some of them were so far off the wall – and so totally rich coming from him that is was ludicrous. It hurt a real lot though. One of my least favourite things – getting stripped down and ripped apart randomly. Our relationship has been pretty crap for a while now. I have known for some time that i would not spend the rest of my life with him. I admire him (mostly) as a person though – and we would make very good friends i think. Hopefully we can remain friends and remain on good terms for the sake of the kids and for the sake of our own sanity too.
I will not go into any sordid details here – but we have agreed that it is over and will spend the next couple of months finishing renovating our house, sell it, and go our separate ways.
A relief. And earth shattering too. Am scared witless and excited all at the same time. Gulp.
Life changing moment number 2
today – the funeral of my eldest half brother Paul. Paul was 57 when he passed over earlier this week from a suspected epileptic seizure. They are not sure 100%, but it matters not. I have not had a lot of contact with Paul …. ever really. He suffered some kind of retardation due to his difficult birth and although he was married (no kids) we never really saw much of him. I am very close to my other half brother though. Today, at Pauls funeral, I was blown away at what people said about him. He was inspirational in life for so many others – and now, in death, he is inspirational to me too. I have chosen to learn from his example of rising above the adversities his life threw at him and to find the positive side of life.
RIP brother. Until we meet again……..

Life changing moments number 3

Oh, the difference a few milligrams makes. My middle child – the most incredible child. The woman/child who is 14 going on 22. Who is talented to an absurd degree in anything that she CHOOSES to do. Who has been diagnosed and medicated for adhd for the past two years. With varying levels of success. A couple of months ago we hit upon the ideal dosage for school achievement and even she has been proud of what she has managed over the past few weeks. It has bliss and i have revelled in getting to know this beautiful and amazing young lady once again. Here is a self portrait of her that she edited herself for her myspace thingy. Stunning – even if i do say so myself….
Well – she has always refused to take her tablets during school holidays and weekends. We have always managed quite well during these times. But this time it is different. It is like the crash from the higher dosage is huger then it was before. She is getting herself worked up about anything that annoys her and is letting fly with a stream of abuse towards me in particular that does not stop for at least ten minutes or so. I wish i could get her to take the tablets but she wont. I understand her reluctance and have always stood by her choice to remain drug free for as much of her life as possible. But this is pretty hard to deal with. Twice in the past two days – while i was on the phone with my brother regarding Pauls funeral, and my boss regarding what happened at school on the last day, she has had a meltdown, complete with swearing like a wharfie to the point that I had to hang up in a hurry. Its like having a frikken three year old again. Shit. I am hoping that she will level out soon.
Anyway – suffice to say that I am very very delicate at this moment. I was touched beyond belief at the service for my brother today. A service that was non denominational at a funeral chapel close to where i live. The guy who ran it was either pagan or spiritual though and some words slipped out that spoke directly to my heart and soul and had me sobbing uncontrollably at one point. So much is at stake here. It seems that I have always sacrificed myself. No more. No more will I allow the negative side of my life to drag me down to the edge of the abyss. I am so over that. I WILL be happy damnit!! I will be independant and strong. Just like I used to be. Before I got dragged down. I cant remember how it happened. I suspect it has to do with life itself. And the accumulative effect – much like the straw and the camels back. I now vow to my brother Paul, that in his memory, I will build myself up, with as many positive experiences as I can – to be as positive and happy as i possibly can.
Thank you - this has been an epic rant. Que serra serra.
Jen
xoxo