Tuesday, 10 May 2011

what a ride….

wow, the last twelve months has been one of the hugest roller coaster rides I have ever been on….

First of all, I would  like to wish myself a happy anniversary… yesterday was twelve months to the day I left in order to return to me. Regrets??? none. I absolutely made the right decision and have never once, not even a teensy bit, wished i stayed. I am content beyond belief in that regard.

It has been a huge year. If leaving with the kids and starting afresh was not enough, i had to contend with the death of my mother. After spending some months establishing ourselves and getting into a routine that was working for us.. we lost mum. It was not entirely unexpected, but still a huge shock. And I had to be the one to find her…. that image will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. As hard as I try to shake it, i cannot. It is only in the last month or so that i can look back and realise that what knocked me off my track was that moment. I was going alright… but there were some issues, a letter, all conspired to erode the progress I had made.. when i looked back, i realised what had happened. I know that since then I have been more fragile. More easily knocked over. Way too easily sometimes…… The house of cards that I had carefully constructed for the past three decades or so came crashing down that day. I didn't notice at first. It seemed like all was ok. It is only after time, and the damaging effects can be seen fully. Sigh.. more work. Roll up sleeves, lol. In some ways my sense of self is shattered. I believed the illusion. The facade. It is gone now. The truth is glaringly obvious. A radical change of thinking and relating has been called for. It has been almost eight months….. i am climbing back up. I have a loooong way to go, but am getting there. Mothers day was hard. More than hard, it was truly awful. Not only was I a motherless daughter, but my own children spent lunchtime with their father and paternal Grandmother. I was supportive of this and actually suggested it. But it was soooo hard. I felt bereft. Hopefully by next mothers day I will be in a better place in my heart….

I am filled with gratitude to those friends and family that have stood by me. I would not have made it this far without you. It is very hard. Starting afresh. I have been there for a few of my friends who have gone through this. I was expecting to be challenged. Especially socially. My attention has been drawn on numerous occasions just where my past life had been lacking. Where i and my kids had totally missed out. I worry for the future for them. I hope to goodness that they find for themselves beautiful caring partners that have been given all the attention they deserved from BOTH parents. I wish I had of had the courage to walk away before I did. They and I all deserved much more. We were let down. Yes I made mistakes. But I struggled for many years to hold up both ends by myself and ended up dropping them a few times. I have been pushed beyond my limitations. Beyond my ability to cope. This is hard to recover from. This will take some time. Again Thank You friends. I do not know where I would be without you. In this same vein, I wish to vent my frustration at being let down by others that were very very dear to me. Friends that have been around longer than most. Friends that have been the recipient of my own support and love. Friends that dropped me like a hot rock in my most desperate time of need. Despite you I survive. I am very resentful actually. I am resentful of your attitude. I am resentful of your disrespect.  Treat thy neighbour…… etc.…… sad. Very sad. So on top of one loss, on top of another loss, another, then another. Rationalise all you like. Blame it on whoever you like. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you honoured me as the friend that I have been to you. The answer is NO. Beware the light at the end of the tunnel, it may just be the karma train heading your way!! I have to say that I am still quite lonely. But a year has gone by now and I am starting to feel that MAYBE, just maybe. I might be open to receiving friendship from others. I still have a long way to go self esteem ways, but I am working on it. I am feeling like there has to be SOMEONE out there that can speak nicely to me. That can hug me when i am sad. I feel that my shattered sense of self could afford someone that might be kind to me… someone that APPRECIATES me. I am a Virgo, five planets actually, most in conjunction. I live my life constantly watching those around me to see if i can help them in any way. Appreciation is high on my list of desirable traits. I practice what I preach. I am waiting…..

Samhain has just passed us….

is a time for reflection, both on what has passed over the course of the year, and what might be to come.

If there is a time when we seek inspiration from the spirit world, then this is it.

It is a time to lift the mask that has grown over time, and to see ourselves as we truly are.

And, if we find something that is not to our liking, then with the dawn of the new year, it is the time to resolve to make a difference.

Certainly a new time for me. It has been a long year.  A rewarding year. One I would never swap for the gifts it bought. The insights and the truths. The realisations, both good and bad. The progress. I have been honoured to have been able to look into the virtual mirror. I have had a loooong hard look at myself. As i mentioned before. I am a Virgo. My faults and flaws are GLARINGLY obvious to me. I have bought them out. Sorted through them and found many not worth worrying about. There have been a few that I have managed to overcome quite easily and move on from. A few haunt me, those that I truly feel are a life lesson. And those that I will need a companion to sort out.

I believe that our life's mission is to relate to others. I have mentioned this before. This belief stands. We are here to love thy neighbour. To look after each other. To love one another. Support and friendship is the key. No matter what the relationship is. It is all about the relating.

I need to move on to the next phase to truly take the next step. I am in no hurry. I have plenty to look after in the mean time.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life…….

 

Blessed be my friends

xoxoxo

6 comments:

Michelle said...

Well said. I can relate on every level. xxxxx

Anonymous said...

dear jen...
your blog is so sad and i feel so much for you. don't live your life like it is a novel. just strive to get happiness into each day. fuck every one else. people are so fickle. they forget that you helped them as now it's all about "me".
you are on your way to bigger and better so enjoy each day so that you look back in your old age and can laugh. don't be so damn hard on yourself...
love,

Dell.

Jac said...

You've come so far in such a short time, Jen. You should be proud of yourself.
The phrase 'growing pains' is sticking in my mind. I don't mean that flippantly either. I think we all do it a lot, over and over, actually.
The gifts are the things to focus on, as you know.
You're amazing xox

Wendy said...

Jen, you are an truly wonderful friend and I cherish having you in my life. You don't live to satisfy the expectations of others so just keep moving to focus on you and you will be able to continue to provide for those that matter most in your life. I love you and I appreciate all you do and all you are. x♥x

Kathleen said...

A journey of a thousand steps my friend ... I know you are blossoming and becoming all that you can be.

Faerie xxxx

Kristy-Lee said...

Smooch