One day at a time....

Project 52

2012-01-03T20:28:00.002+11:00

If you are into photography, and would like to join in, here is the link to my Project 52. It is only just starting and is my attempt to make sure I take more photos.

http://fiftytwowords.blogspot.com/

The theme for this week is Love

long overdue

2011-12-18T22:32:00.001+11:00

wow, its been seven months since my last post...

i have never been a good blogger, but i think that is a record.

i have had lots to do, its been crazy hectic. Man, what a ride.

silly season is upon us and i have spent the last two days shopping up a storm. I am ALMOST done... one more gift for the 'son in law', one more gift for one kid. thats it.... i think... unless i remember if i forgot someone.... sigh. Oh, and a bottle of wine for second boss!! sigh... all i need for myself is a money tree, lol

I am sooooo looking forward to the end of 2011. 2012 is when things start being less of a struggle and start going my way. Not that i have not had some wins, i have, but all in all, its definitely been a couple of years of stripping away that which does not serve me.

if you are still here, congrats. and i thank you. i am honoured to call you friend. my path at the end of 2011 is very different than i envisioned for myself a few years ago. it is definitely simpler. way way less drama and almost no stress. this is awesome.

i am very proud of myself that i have made it through the roughest two years of my life without relying on anything other than myself to get through. I have certainly been pushed way back up against the wall and when i thought i might fall, i managed to hold on and have certainly made it to the dawn. That last step was a doozie though, and, as anyone that has been through the fire can attest, victory is sweet. alone and triumphant. finally almost ready to contemplate sharing my life with someone. almost to a point that i could consider trusting another person with my newly healed heart. that will be a long road. i know this. but i am willing to try. I feel an energy coming towards me now, sometimes i can feel his heart beating in time with my own. very strange, i know, but its true. exciting, scary too, a bit, but mostly exciting.

I actually dont know why i am writing this all down. just for my own record i guess. and maybe to make my intentions known to the world.

also, to announce that i am starting a new blog... i am embarking on a 52 project in 2012. it will be a photographic journey, linked to others that wish to join in. I have 52 words that people can interpret in any way they wish and upload a photo or photos to their own blog or whatever. I intend to make it an excercise in contemplation and meditation and also fun with camera and photoshop too probably. a tool to bring some of the fragmented parts of myself together and learn something about myself, having a bit of fun along the way. The blog is very much in its planning and testing stage, but will be ready to go for January 1st.

I will try and get into the habit of offloading a bit onto here also i guess. no promises, lol

have a great one,
may the road rise up to meet you and the wind be at your back

oh, ps, HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY AUNTY KERRIE!!!!!
awesome dinner Bro xoxoxoxo
luv ya guts xoxoxo
:)

what a ride….

2011-05-10T23:18:00.001+10:00

wow, the last twelve months has been one of the hugest roller coaster rides I have ever been on….

First of all, I would like to wish myself a happy anniversary… yesterday was twelve months to the day I left in order to return to me. Regrets??? none. I absolutely made the right decision and have never once, not even a teensy bit, wished i stayed. I am content beyond belief in that regard.

It has been a huge year. If leaving with the kids and starting afresh was not enough, i had to contend with the death of my mother. After spending some months establishing ourselves and getting into a routine that was working for us.. we lost mum. It was not entirely unexpected, but still a huge shock. And I had to be the one to find her…. that image will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. As hard as I try to shake it, i cannot. It is only in the last month or so that i can look back and realise that what knocked me off my track was that moment. I was going alright… but there were some issues, a letter, all conspired to erode the progress I had made.. when i looked back, i realised what had happened. I know that since then I have been more fragile. More easily knocked over. Way too easily sometimes…… The house of cards that I had carefully constructed for the past three decades or so came crashing down that day. I didn't notice at first. It seemed like all was ok. It is only after time, and the damaging effects can be seen fully. Sigh.. more work. Roll up sleeves, lol. In some ways my sense of self is shattered. I believed the illusion. The facade. It is gone now. The truth is glaringly obvious. A radical change of thinking and relating has been called for. It has been almost eight months….. i am climbing back up. I have a loooong way to go, but am getting there. Mothers day was hard. More than hard, it was truly awful. Not only was I a motherless daughter, but my own children spent lunchtime with their father and paternal Grandmother. I was supportive of this and actually suggested it. But it was soooo hard. I felt bereft. Hopefully by next mothers day I will be in a better place in my heart….

I am filled with gratitude to those friends and family that have stood by me. I would not have made it this far without you. It is very hard. Starting afresh. I have been there for a few of my friends who have gone through this. I was expecting to be challenged. Especially socially. My attention has been drawn on numerous occasions just where my past life had been lacking. Where i and my kids had totally missed out. I worry for the future for them. I hope to goodness that they find for themselves beautiful caring partners that have been given all the attention they deserved from BOTH parents. I wish I had of had the courage to walk away before I did. They and I all deserved much more. We were let down. Yes I made mistakes. But I struggled for many years to hold up both ends by myself and ended up dropping them a few times. I have been pushed beyond my limitations. Beyond my ability to cope. This is hard to recover from. This will take some time. Again Thank You friends. I do not know where I would be without you. In this same vein, I wish to vent my frustration at being let down by others that were very very dear to me. Friends that have been around longer than most. Friends that have been the recipient of my own support and love. Friends that dropped me like a hot rock in my most desperate time of need. Despite you I survive. I am very resentful actually. I am resentful of your attitude. I am resentful of your disrespect. Treat thy neighbour…… etc.…… sad. Very sad. So on top of one loss, on top of another loss, another, then another. Rationalise all you like. Blame it on whoever you like. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you honoured me as the friend that I have been to you. The answer is NO. Beware the light at the end of the tunnel, it may just be the karma train heading your way!! I have to say that I am still quite lonely. But a year has gone by now and I am starting to feel that MAYBE, just maybe. I might be open to receiving friendship from others. I still have a long way to go self esteem ways, but I am working on it. I am feeling like there has to be SOMEONE out there that can speak nicely to me. That can hug me when i am sad. I feel that my shattered sense of self could afford someone that might be kind to me… someone that APPRECIATES me. I am a Virgo, five planets actually, most in conjunction. I live my life constantly watching those around me to see if i can help them in any way. Appreciation is high on my list of desirable traits. I practice what I preach. I am waiting…..

Samhain has just passed us….

is a time for reflection, both on what has passed over the course of the year, and what might be to come.

If there is a time when we seek inspiration from the spirit world, then this is it.

It is a time to lift the mask that has grown over time, and to see ourselves as we truly are.

And, if we find something that is not to our liking, then with the dawn of the new year, it is the time to resolve to make a difference.

Certainly a new time for me. It has been a long year. A rewarding year. One I would never swap for the gifts it bought. The insights and the truths. The realisations, both good and bad. The progress. I have been honoured to have been able to look into the virtual mirror. I have had a loooong hard look at myself. As i mentioned before. I am a Virgo. My faults and flaws are GLARINGLY obvious to me. I have bought them out. Sorted through them and found many not worth worrying about. There have been a few that I have managed to overcome quite easily and move on from. A few haunt me, those that I truly feel are a life lesson. And those that I will need a companion to sort out.

I believe that our life's mission is to relate to others. I have mentioned this before. This belief stands. We are here to love thy neighbour. To look after each other. To love one another. Support and friendship is the key. No matter what the relationship is. It is all about the relating.

I need to move on to the next phase to truly take the next step. I am in no hurry. I have plenty to look after in the mean time.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life…….

Blessed be my friends

xoxoxo

2011-04-07T23:13:00.000+10:00

it has been relentless and i am smashed...... sigh..... one more day of work then 19 days off !!! I think it will take me 18 of them to get over this past few weeks..... sigh again xoxo

Woo Hoo!!!!

2011-03-30T11:29:00.001+11:00

Airlie is amazing today. She is sitting up, talking, she even went for a walk!!! They are just waiting for a bed for her in the ward, C3 most likely, and she is outta Intensive Care!!! Woo Hooo!!!! ♥

Thank you SOOOOOO much for all your support and well wishes. We are really ou t of the woods now

Update:

2011-03-30T08:04:00.001+11:00

Airlie decided that she had had enough of the air tube last night, and decided to pull it out. It was a bit early, they would have done it today anyway, but were kind of waiting for the doctor to come and do it!! lol

Anyway, she has been breathing unassisted all night without the tube and is still on the improve, so thankfully all is well. It seems that she very well my move out of intensive care into a ward this afternoon some time...

thanks for your support guys, it is really appreciated. xoxo

Some good news!!

2011-03-29T08:03:00.001+11:00

some good news!! Just called the nurse that I spoke to last night and she said the swelling has reduced significantly overnight!! She can see the back of her tongue now, where before there was no gap between her tongue and the roof of her mouth. Her temp is now low grade too!! She still has a swelling under her chin, which is directly under the piercing - so yeah, woo hoo!!! some really good news!!

Thanks so much for all of your support

xoxoxo

my baby girl

2011-03-28T22:29:00.002+11:00

oh my baby
i love you sooo much, from here to the moon and back an infinity times.
I stand by your bedside and i see you there, all filled with tubes and wires and needles and I feel absolutely distraught. You are there, with all those strangers, who are catering for your every need. Who are wiping your mouth, and smoothing your brow. Who are there when you are distressed and there when you are content.
I call in.. around the times i can due to work… because if i didn't work then i couldn't pay the rent. So I work, and i go there and i feel sooooo small. I feel soooooo helpless. My love for you isn't enough. It always used to be. Now not at all.
You are paying a huge price for the choice to be an individual. You are totally unique and this was a way for you to express that. It has gone horribly wrong.
I would swap places with you in an instant. I would give all i had for you to be well and happy. You are my world. You are my life. You are my everything. Along with your sister and brother, you are my reason for being.

The news this evening is a little more encouraging. It seems that the swelling is due to an allergic reaction. So, we just wait for the body to give up fighting…. it seems it is already giving up the fight, with a tiny improvement in swelling this evening. Her nurse said he could see a gap in her mouth, between her tongue and the roof of her mouth, that wasn't there at 1pm today. So this is good. The specialist called in, had a feel around, and said she thought the swelling had reduced a bit too.
HOPEFULLY she has turned a corner.
I am SURE it is to do with the outpouring of love and healing and best wishes that is coming from everywhere right now. Keep up the good work guys. it is making a difference.
Thank you so much
from the bottom of all our hearts
thank you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Airlie and her bestie Stace xoxo

please send love and healing

2011-03-27T22:06:00.001+11:00

My gorgeous daughter Airlie decided to go and get some silly tongue piercing yesterday….

Her body rejected it in a big way. Her neck, throat and tongue has swollen to incredible proportions, this afternoon she had to have surgery to put a tube in place down her nose to ensure her airway doesnt get blocked altogether.

Consequently, she is in Intensive Care in John Hunter Hospital, and being kept heavily sedated, ie comatose, until the swelling goes down.

I am kind of in an ok place wit h this, i know she is in the absolute right place, and that air can get to her lungs if it swells further.

I am hoping this will be a bit of a wake up call for her, maybe the piercings etc are not all a good idea…. her lifestyle has been a bit extreme lately (well for the past two years).

She is a beautiful girl, her major problem is her lack of self esteem.. which has led to all this……

Airlie Girl, I love you from here to the moon and back. Please get well soon..

Luv Mum

xoxo

another day…

2011-03-24T20:57:00.001+11:00

another rejection.

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRULY enough

I am reading a book called “Make Miracles in Forty Days” by Melody Beattie.

I am turning my life around.

Thank you my friends for your love and support.

It is truly appreciated. I must move forward from here, there is no other way.

Just the knowledge that there is something I can do is life changing.

empowerment is starting to creep in.

hope is rising…..

it will all be very different - SOON!!!

ALL because of me.

I am powerful beyond measure

thank you

xoxo

Yep……

2011-03-23T20:49:00.001+11:00

“How do I feel?

Abandoned actually.....

Abandoned by my art.....

Abandoned by my friends......

Abandoned by my family......

Abandoned by my mother......

Kind of weird really because I am still here for all of you.....

as always

Maybe it's my turn to be the victim for a change?

Just sayin'.....

PFT....

Maybe it's just time to see things clearly.”

Posted today by my friend Michelle

I totally understand. Like I said to her, I could have posted this myself…

My life this last few weeks has been one rejection/abandonment after another.

And like Michelle, have been there for them.

Sad

It comes down to respect, and humility. Appreciation of others and willingness to go just that little bit further.

It appears that a huge change is afoot. A new age is dawning, and bullshit doesn't cut it any more. Lets get real people. Lets recognise the divinity in each other, not just break our own arm banging our own drum. Lets appreciate what has been done for/given to us, honour that, and attempt to respond in kind. If a real friend is suffering, then lend a hand or pat a shoulder. Self given trophies do not mean much.

The last few weeks have been working full time… this always does me in. I need some ‘me’ time. Oh goddess, how i need some ‘me’ time. Ex has been working weekends too for the past few weeks so has not had the kids. I am in burnout mode. Burnt out and rejected is not a good look. And quite painful really…

Am just trying to get through the next two weeks, til the next school holidays. I will have TWO WEEKS OFF!!!! oh bliss oh bliss oh bliss. I am sooooo looking forward to this. Oh yes. I want what she is having.. lol

gotta laugh

if not, i will cry….. oops

Life is about relations with others

2011-02-28T22:45:00.001+11:00

Not self. There are COPIOUS opportunities on high to be connected with Self. It is here on earth that we need to connect with others. If we cannot connect with others, i.e. we have conflict with spouse, offspring, friends, extended family, etc. then we seriously have to look inside for what is causing this conflict. Otherwise we might as well just take our bat and ball and go home??

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.

~ Louise Erdrich

So much of life is going on and on around me right now. I am trying desperately to cling to some sense of calm, and reason and stay like a rock. I am also standing as strong as I can as waves of insecurity wash over my as an attack on my personal self after leaving my ex almost 12 months ago. It seems I have finally come out of some kind of fog.... resentment is raising its ugly head right now.....

My very core is emphasising, during all of this, that is our relations with others that is key. We are here on this earth to relate to others and to perfect our relating skills on a personal level, as this is unavailable to us on high. A huge part of our learning here on this plane is about relationships and how we deal with the integration of our own energies in relation to those that are close to us.

I am working very very hard to maintain and enhance those relations that are healthy for me right now, and those that are not conducive to my personal growth are dropping off all by themselves...

This is a good thing as it shows the progress I am making on a deeply personal level.

I am working really hard to make sure that in some way I am moving forward each day.

One step at a time.........

Much love

Jen

xoxo

Gee, that was fun!!

2011-02-08T18:53:00.000+11:00

I was fluffing and fiddling around with the blog. Wanted to create a new look.

Might add a post later, and some of my more recent photos...

Off to finish cooking dinner now,

taa taa for now

xoxo

“Look mummy, its a PRINCESS!!!”

2010-12-07T18:26:00.001+11:00

This post is about one week late. I am sooo slack I know. Better late than never, right??

The above quote was exclaimed (very loudly!!) from our front verandah about 12 years ago by my middle child Kira, after she had caught a glimpse of our next door neighbours daughter as a bride leaving for her wedding.

Last Tuesday afternoon I was very proud of my very own ‘princess’. It was Kira herself at her Year 10 formal. We spent the afternoon at hair appointments and getting ready to leave for the night of her life so far. I was so proud of her

I was very very proud of how my beautiful girl conducted herself that afternoon - she most certainly was a princess.

Love you Kira

xoxoxo

perspective

2010-11-11T22:13:00.001+11:00

I have come to the conclusion that life is all about facing what is in front of you in the moment. I see so many friends around me confronted with such a diverse range of challenges right now, that i have decided that it all comes down to filters, or that's how i see it.

It is just a matter of staying in the moment, and moving through what is there in front of you. Deliberate living. Yes.

It is helpful sometimes to know the background of a situation. but even then, isn't it the past you are learning about and not the now. what is the point of knowing about the past.

from very hurtful personal experience, from being judged super harshly for some poor choices made 30 odd years ago, and still treated and judged for them, I can attest to the necessity of living in the now.

I see it as so. Each of us sees the world through our own filters. Our filters determine how we interpret each situation we encounter and how we will respond.

If we see the world through the eyes of super well adjustedness, then we process our thoughts and actions from that space.

However, whenever we are seeing the world through need, or hurt, or emotional or whatever else, then we perceive situations etc as ‘out to get us’ etc.

I feel the best way for me to become this well adjusted and happy person is to just take one step at a time, to deal with one issue at a time as it confronts me. My job is to first of all look after myself. Beyond that is my kids, i am fully responsible for my kids. After that is my immediate family and close circle of friends. Then everyone else.

thats it. My survival technique.

I have had lots of situations lately that have come up for me and pushed at my boundaries. Lots and lots of different areas where over inflated egos and ignorant people have pushed themselves upon me. I have been forced to withdraw myself into what is the essence of me to survive. I don't have any support now. I am ON MY OWN. Me and my kids. NOBODY is more important than them, only me. And I am needed to be here for them, because I bought forth into this world and I need to be here to be there for them. So every decision i make and every step I take is with them in mind. Until my responsibility has been fulfilled in bringing them to a point of self sufficiency, I must be there for them every step of the way. That's it.

So, when all of this collides upon itself, I withdraw into myself to sort it out again. The death of my mother, and consequenting finds of letters of detriment to me, have led me to be very very close within myself, and just opening enough of myself to function reasonably in this world. Things are settling down a bit re this, but again, tis one day at a time. I have named this blog very well. Those very close to me will understand the challenges I have had to face. And these have had to be done within the safety of the closest safety net, and this is the reason for the long delay in posting. My superficial self enjoys being distracted by facebook and my novels etc, but what simmers underneath is very different indeed.

Thank you so much for listening.

it has been helpful to get this all out.

xoxoxo

cold

2010-09-17T00:21:00.001+10:00

I have never felt something so cold. Cold and like marble. Cold and at peace. Finally out of pain. Finally able to run and jump and dance. Finally happy. After sooooo long.

I love you so much mum.

I am sorry.

I made mistakes and i want you to know that i had no intention of hurting you. I wish I could have been there for you in your last moments. But I take comfort in knowing that you didn't know what hit you. That you were gone before you even knew what was going on. If at all.

I have worried about you for longer than I can remember. Now you are gone, I feel a void that I don't know how to fill.

Oh and the kids. They are shattered. They have all written something for you. I know you already know.

RIP.

You will be missed more than you will ever know.

xoxoxoxxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxooxoooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

Life Part 2

2010-09-11T19:18:00.001+10:00

I had an interesting experience today….

I was walking around this house, being the usual Saturday morning domestic goddess, and the song Life by Sherbet (see previous post for the lyrics) was continually running through my head. I was absentmindedly singing it for about two hours when it occurred to me that the lyrics were a good description of what i am going through right now. So I went and got my iPod and listened to the song…. yes, very good, I listened again, ahhhhhhh reminiscing. Then, as i was in the Sherbet folder, it went to another Sherbet song and I got ‘You’re all Woman”. I thought, yes good choice - I most certainly am!!! Well then it got interesting. It suddenly played a song that we used to sing at The Ncle Spiritualist Church, Nat & Michelle will remember, “No Matter What” by Boyzone. This song has special meaning, and it also has a great spiritual message about remembering that the Goddess / God (whatever) will always be walking by your side. It got halfway through this song and then skipped back to Sherbet and played “Summer Love”… that was when I laughed and went back to my housework.

Now those of you with an iPod will recognise that once you select an artist to play, that is the only thing it plays. It was NOT on shuffle, it was on Sherbet. So there was definitely a higher hand pressing those buttons for sure. and the message it had for me was well received.

I will be using the song Life as the mantra for my next few months, and using it to boost myself up when I feel down. Thank you to whoever was sending that message, much appreciated.

xoxo

Life

2010-09-11T13:37:00.001+10:00

Life
Life is for Living
Life
I can't waste one minute
I've got hopes, I've got dreams
I've got eyes I can see
I've got LIFE
Look at me I can dance I can sing
Let me make like a bell let me ring
I can run, I can jump, I can shout
I'm turnin' on my own roundabout.
I'll live my life and be free
I've got my eyes I can see
I've got my mind and I'm me
I'll life my life and I'm Free,
I can talk when I got something to say
All the things I do I do my own way
and the times when I may stumble and fall
I know in time I'll laugh at it all
I'll live my life and be free
I've got my eyes I can see
I've got my min and I'm me
I'll life my life and I'm Free, I'm Free, I'm Free
I'm FREEEEEEE!
Life comes and goes
Just as a river flows
And Life into time
Words into rhyme.
Life
Life is for Living
Life
I can't waste one minute
I've got hopes, I've got dreams
I've got eyes I can see
I've got LIFE
I'll live my life and be free
I've got my eyes I can see
I've got my min and I'm me
I'll life my life and I'm Free, I'm Free, I'm Free
I'm FREEEEEEE!

Agggghhhhh the pressure!!!

2010-09-08T21:01:00.001+10:00

Wow. I am faced with a very difficult task. Well I think it is difficult anyway. So I am going to try and explain it to you and in the process, i may be able to understand it and process it a bit better for myself.

Its no secret i am into Astrology. I have been following with interest, well more than interest actually, obsession is probably a better word! lol, the latest regarding the skies at this time of the evolution of the planet. It seems that we are living through a very important time and the future may very well depend on us.

We are powerful beyond belief. We are the co-creators of our life. We are the co-creators of all life as we know it. I believe that this is true for any era or generation. But right now things are a bit more important. The feeling I am getting is that we are teetering upon the edge of a precipice. Time will tell which way we will go. Everyone everywhere is going through some kind of transformation. Stuff from before is being dredged up to be dealt with once and for all and left behind. Others are leaving all kind of relationships behind, if it doesn't fit anymore, then its time to move on. Like minded souls are gravitating towards each other. Honesty and integrity are finally more important than appearances and egos. The Cardinal Grand Cross is stirring things up, forcing us to face up or ship out basically.

According to my own chart - right now is the time I have to determine the direction my life will be taking over the next decade or so and this is my dilemma. I have heeded my souls calling and left an unsatisfactory relationship, where I was not being honoured. This was in May this year that my physical being was able to break free, although my mental and emotional bodies were long since gone. In these few months I have worked very hard to heal my entire being and to find out exactly who I am now. I was in that relationship for almost 27 years, being 18 when we first started living together. So my ENTIRE adult life has been spent in that relationship. So who am I. I am not a 17 year old child anymore, I am a 45 year old woman. I have gifts and talents and disabilities. I have opinions and knowledge and attitudes. I have freedom. I have the luxury now to find out exactly who I am and move on from there. I have certainly made inroads into this huge task, but am in no way even close to a quarter of the way through working it all out. If EVER???

What worries me now is that we are in the middle of this very important time in history, and in particular my own evolution, and I must make some choices on my direction by SEPTEMBER 12th!!! That's like THIS WEEKEND!!!! I am not worried about setting my bar too high. I know I can strive and achieve goals. My biggest worry is that I don't set it HIGH ENOUGH!!! You know, what if I aim to become a successful portrait photographer in my local community, and I could have set my eyes on the WORLD STAGE and ended up doing snaps of Brad and Ange’s brood in Hollywood!!! And I didnt know!!! So ended up here in Wallsend for the rest of my life being moderately happy and content when I could have been fabulously wealthy and rubbing shoulders with the rich of the world!!!!

So I guess that leaves me with the option of making open ended affirmations. Being really really careful to not use any limiting language at all over the next week or so. Visualising the highest forms of all areas that are of interest to me now, while also leaving room for new interests and growth.

So What do you think???

I am interested in your opinion

revelation

2010-08-22T21:32:00.001+10:00

Constantly in awe. I am totally blown away AGAIN by the incredible insights that are available via Astrology. This is such a huge subject. With so many facets, all with their own so many facets… i think I will be learning about this for THE REST OF MY LIFE. Although the info is flowing thick and fast lately. I am also filled with gratitude for the guidance I have been receiving, pointing me to where to find the answers.

Incredible.

Listening to that niggle that forced me to keep looking. To keep following a seemingly endless trail that led me to the answer that can explain my feelings for the past month. I am soo glad that my increased knowledge has allowed me to understand what I was reading, which kept me following that trail.

I am going to include the following passage from www.cafeastrology.com article on transiting Saturn (grrr Saturn AGAIN, or should i say STILL) for my own information. So I can look back and know when this was. Transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct my natal Venus about two and a half weeks ago.

What has carried you to date in the world of your social and romantic relationships may no longer feel satisfying or worthwhile for you during this transit. It's time to assess your relationship needs, attitudes, and capabilities. You may be withdrawing yourself emotionally as you become more serious, critical, and concerned about a significant relationship in your life. You may begin to see serious flaws, and any superficial interactions may begin to bother you. You might temporarily have a hard time "going through the motions". Fears that you might get hurt could be self-fulfilling prophecies if you are not careful now. While you should definitely take some time to come to terms with what you are now seeing, you should also understand that in the initial stages of this transit your thinking is skewed towards the negative. You are losing the rose-coloured glasses and eventually you will be able to see your relationships in a most realistic light--you will see them for exactly what they are. However, the first stage of this process is rather severe and unforgiving, so take your time before making any major decisions.

Major insight. Thank you.

A weight has also lifted off my shoulders over the past few days. I am feeling sooo much lighter after unburdening my brain of all that dross the other day. I really needed to get that out and am so glad I did. So it seems that progress is being made in an onward and upward motion, with plans finally starting to come together and opportunities arising that would have not been possible a few weeks ago. Thank the Goddess…. i am ever grateful for progress made with integrity and grace.

On a lighter note. I have had a very full and fun weekend. Had eldest’s 18th birthday dinner on Friday night - much fun and laughter. Plenty of champers getting splashed around too. A milestone reached in the life of my baby, so only two more years til she is in her twenties….. waiting waiting waiting.. lol

Also last night. Had another houseful. The girls from the area which i am currently living - friends I was quite close to when my daughters attended primary school in the area - several live within about a five minute walk from the house we are living in now. The decided that they were all coming over for a Singstar night last night. OMG, what a great night. My voice was a bit hoarse this morning, after all that singing, and all that laughing. And was a bit slow after all that drinking… my poor liver this weekend. Oh well, you are only young once, lol.

It is so wonderful to feel like I am living again. Even though some parts are really really hard. I am still glad I left. I am quite lonely, even with it seemingly like lots of people are coming and going. This past weekend has been out of the ordinary in that way. I have been working a lot, and that has seriously cut into my social life. Now K is working, and A is 18, I am not able to go out at night. I cannot commit to anything of an evening. Plus I cannot commit to anything during the day with working casually like I do. Sigh. Oh well. Eventually it will sort itself out. Just feeling a bit ‘out of the loop’ i guess. But when I read the above passage about my saturn/venus bizzo, I guess it was inevitable and is part of a grand ‘shake up’ in that area. Hmmmmm

Anyway, am tired now and going to bed.

Take care my friends, blessed be

Luv Jen

xoxo

rambling…

2010-08-17T16:50:00.001+10:00

again

so many thoughts running through my head.

I am in the hugest of transitions right now and I am not exactly sure how to proceed. So I am just going with my heart. I am trying to figure out the meanings of the signs and the feelings I have been getting. Plus the messages I have been getting from my guides.It all points to a shift away from where I was already.

I must be The Fool. I must trust that i am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

Some threads of thought that are going through my head.

I want you to remember that I am on my own journey too. I am not an extension of YOUR journey. I have my own things that I must be doing, learning, achieving. I am doing quite well on those fronts too. So much has been gained lately, lots has been lost too, but there has been more gains. My job right now is very important. It is just as important as yours, or hers or his. Yours is important too. But no more important than mine. Nor mine yours. Why do you think that I am insignificant. Why do you believe that I am here to serve you. I am not. Why does it matter to me that you treat me badly. You ignore me, you freeze me out. It shouldn't, but it does. It hurts. It hurts that you have pushed me aside. I am wondering if this is because of my current situation here, alone, and maybe now I am a threat to you. I wonder. I wonder if you wish to make sure you avoid any of my insecurities, even though you have had plenty of your own and i supported you right through them. Why do you disrespect me. Why do you not answer the phone when I ring. Why do I bother. Why am I upset that you are absent. Why do i want to be near you when you make me feel unworthy. Why do you try and make me feel unworthy. Why cant you respect me enough to tell me what is going on. Why do others think you are kind and loving when you have hurt someone that has been there for you time and time again. Why do I care. Why do I cry. Why do I want things to change. Why am I on the edge of this precipice. Will I jump. Will anyone be there to catch me. I think not. I must do it alone now because I cannot trust you anymore. You have let me down. Why did I let you let me down again. I dont know what will happen from here on in, but my intuition tells me it is something huge. Maybe it is best if you are not around for that. You would not cope with that, no not at all. I am here. I am heart centred. I am learning. I am strong. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am the best me I can be. I am doing it all for me.

My blog posts lately have been disjointed ramblings as I am trying to make sense of this world. I am struggling a bit here, but overall I am on top of it. I must straighten this out in my mind. It is coming together. I have been getting some huge messages from my guides and have been pointed towards astrology in my life over and over and over again.

This is a crossroads

This is transition.

I must continue to seek within for the answers, they come to me as I need them. I understand that if something happens that I do not understand, I sit with it in my consciousness for a while and invariably the answers come. It is my human emotions that are hurting the most here. I am suffering rejection from those that I trusted most deeply. For reasons that I know not. Is it fear. Is it ego. Is it meant to be.

What is next…. I must wait and ponder some more…

xoxo

drifting…

2010-08-14T22:08:00.001+10:00

I knew this would happen.

I am drifting in random directions right now. The only grounding anchor I have is work. And I have been getting a lot of days lately. Which is good. And is also bad. Because it cuts me off. And I hate being cut off. It is a double edged sword. I find myself really enjoying the work I am doing at school, I get lots of positive feedback and intellectual stimulus, which I enjoy. I also get the chance to meet and mix with lots of people that don't normally move in my circles. I have made some very deep friendships and it is wonderful to be in the company of such amazing women and even a few men. The money is good too!! Oh yes, it is necessary for the money, seeing as Centrelink saw fit to take $130 per fortnight off me after they took into the calculations the money i have been getting in child support. Even though I have told them about it from the start!!! OMG, that was hard. BUT - only ten minutes after getting the letter letting me know about the deductions, I looked at my Inharmony Astrology for the week. The first couple of lines read -

“it's not really about the money. it's about what lies beneath it. value of yourself, your own self-worth, is where all manner of abundance first springs from. if somewhere deep within you feel you are lacking- then the outer will express the inner. with Saturn in your 2nd house of finances and self-worth for the next 2 1/2 years deep lessons about these subjects are set to unfold.”

Fark. 2 and a half years. Like I haven't suffered enough with Saturn for the LAST two and a half years…. sigh. OH well, must get on with it then… If that wasn't a mallet to the side of the head, i don't know what was.

So, immediately after I saw the astro info, I started affirming and manifesting. work started pouring in. Which is good. Except for the aforementioned state of being cut off. Sigh. My days are my only outlet now. I cannot go out nights. Not with any regularity anyway. Maybe random nights… I have even had to give up my dance lessons… (don't think about it and you will not get a mental image that you would rather not have, lol).

I am gathering that this information relates more to my creative side, and my inability to accept money for anything I do for anyone I know personally. It is about putting value on myself and my abilities and my talents.

I have just completed my third portrait session and have been really happy with the results. The latest one was really hard as it was quite dark and the child was a crawling baby. This presented lots of issues, but we overcame a lot of them and managed to get a few really good shots. Enough for our purposes anyway. Excellent.

My next mission is to create a nice watermark and nice website. Then I am off. I have a plan!! I will see it through.

Then when I win lotto I will be able to do all this creative stuff whenever I want to without worrying about money. :D yay, that will be good.

Also this last week, on the same day actually, Airlie turned 18 (cringe) and Kira started work at Hungry Jacks. What a huge day for us. We survived though, and life goes on. Kira is still working, and Airlie is partying hard. :D

Anyway, there is lots more. I am struggling with lots of issues, regarding trust and betrayal. Also valuing self as I mentioned before.

It is a pretty huge set of stuff that is going on right now. Especially being alone and unsupported. Sigh. It will be all ok in the end, and if it isn't ok, then it isn't the end. I know all this.

Thanks for listening.

Jen

xoxo

Disappointment…

2010-08-09T22:11:00.001+10:00

I find myself very disappointed in people today.

So many are blissfully ignorant of their effect on others. Especially those with giant egos that need constant stoking, and what amazes me most is that so many rush to constantly do the stroking. What the hell is that all about. People who just ride roughshod over everyone and everything that comes in their way. With just the thought of where the next boost of dragged out energy will come from. I would love to see some people live for a day without lavish praise. Like in the real world. Some praise is nice, definitely, but when it becomes overdone, I guess it is like an addictive drug that they cannot get enough of. Well I certainly can. I do what i can to keep my energy to myself and not contribute, but right now, at this time, there has been such an avalanche of prima donnas that I am overwhelmed and frustrated big time. Couple with that, a long standing sacred oath of over 40 years that was recently broken. Unapologetically. Sigh. Words cannot describe how hurt I am over that. I actually don't think i will ever get over it. Shhh, listen, what is that sound?? Oh, that is just my trust in you shattering all over the floor. Double sigh.

I am venting. I need to get this out because it is festering inside of me. I need to shout it to the world. BEND OVER IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR - ITS DARK UP THERE !!!!!

Sorry. I need to get this out.

I feel better now, and very tired. I am going to bed. Will try to post something along a more positive line soon. Will try, honest!!

Jen

xoxo

positive sign number 147

2010-07-13T18:47:00.001+10:00

That I have done the right thing in leaving my husband…

I went to the plant nursery today. I have done this lots of times before. I loooovvvee the nursery. I love wandering around the plants, and getting inspiration from the colours and the plants and the herbs etc etc etc.

however it was always overshadowed by a doom and gloom that when i took my purchase home it would be greeted with “what the f&%k did you buy that for?? Where is it going to go”… sigh

We had a quite extensive garden, and everything i could have possibly have bought home, could have gone SOMEWHERE. Anyone that had ever visited us could attest to that. So why the frikken power play.

Today I went to the nursery. I got paid for my very first paying photography portrait job since about the ‘90’s. I decided that i would use it to buy a plant of Joy. One to be cosseted and cared for and to represent my life of joy.

When i arrived, I was almost floored with JOY. I was soooo excited. I was shopping for a plant with absolutely NO chance of recrimination. And it was AWESOME!!! Such a small thing but oh, so, wonderful. I was almost indescribably euphoric. I was walking on air. I couldnt have been any happier if I was given free choice to take whatever I wanted from THE MINT!!!

Sigh…. So happy…. So sure…. :)

Solar Eclipse - 5.42 am Eastern Standard Time 12th July 2010

2010-07-11T23:13:00.001+10:00

I am the catalyst for the events that unfolds in my life. I am grateful for every part of it, no matter how great or how small. For each thing is a part of my evolution and my growth towards the divine. It is my thoughts, my intention, my heart, my mind, my faith that create the reality of my life as it is now.

As above, so below, at 5.42 am tomorrow morning, a significant solar eclipse will occur which is important in the whole Cardinal Grand Cross that is in the process of developing this year. At this time it is a good idea to put out intentions for what you would like to bring into your life and what it is you are willing to leave behind. As this eclipse is in Cancer, it also relates to the home and family - our roots and our tribe.

I am willing to release from my life fear, anger and unrealistic expectation. I release stress and blame. I release ill health and poor choice. I release those things and persons that no longer serve my greater good. I release the inability to see and hear clearly. I release the need to be judgemental.

My arms are open wide to embrace copious amounts of love, abundance, and vibrant good health. I welcome serenity, peace and respect. Safety and peace, knowledge and happiness. Personal growth, spiritual growth and creativity. I welcome for my family love, respect, communication and empathy. I embrace support, an ever widening circle of friends, understanding and careful listening. Appreciation and respect, peace, happiness and lots and lots of beautiful love.

So mote it be…..

Week # 25 I heart faces challenge - Celebrating Teens

2010-06-21T22:22:00.001+10:00

I was so happy when I saw this weeks challenge as I had just finished taking some images of my daughter after their recent victory at the NSW Winterfest Cheerleading championship. I love this shot - it is so intense - far from her usual bouncing energy.

go over to I heart faces and check out some of the other incredible entries.

disillusioned

2010-06-09T22:26:00.002+10:00

so much going through my head right now..
The past week or so has been a whirl of activity and trying to fit about 26 hours work into 24, oh and still find time to sleep :)
Along with all this, I have had to work through some deep hurts inflicted by a person that means well, i know they mean well. But have been truly mack truck, bull in a china shop insensitive. This is bought upon by ignorance and a form of ‘self preservation’, I understand that - but I truly thought they were beyond that point. I have spent so many merry go rounds with this same issue, on so many occasions over the past goodness knows how long that I am totally against going up against it again. So I am choosing to grit my teeth and step over it all. Some people just never learn…
Family - gotta hand it to them. Just don’t get on your high horse with me… am over it
Personally, I am on a huge high. My life is incredible and things are working out amazingly well. My house has been blessed now by both the witches AND the bitches, lol, so all is good. An awesome weekend was had by all as my friends from years ago, when we were all school mums together, before I moved away, came over on Friday night and, well, yes, we had a ball and I think the clock read 2.30am when I fell into bed… what an awesome evening. I then went out on saturday night to a Trivia night. We came 3rd - not a bad effort considering how frikken hard those questions were… although I had to admit to doing more laughing then thinking for most of it… all good.
A huge week too, lots and lots to do.
I attended the one of the most incredible Tarot lessons I have ever attended on Tuesday. Wendy adapted a “wisdom of the aces” spread and it just blew me away. I was totally reeling for hours afterwards. Its incredible what came out, excellent news. Great timing and excellent tools in hand. I am truly grateful.
Tonight saw Kira play in her Semi final of Touch Football, they won so straight into the finals. She scored two of the three tries too, very proud. Raced from Touch along to the cottage for Yule Craft, that Deb and I had organised at the spur of the moment this week and … well… only her and I were there to put it all together. It didnt matter, we had a ball and laughed til we cried. She also made an incredible walnut cake and no one was there to share it with us… mmmmmm.
Anyhoo, am off now.
basking…. sigh
:D

today is the first day of the rest of my life…..

2010-05-17T22:37:00.001+10:00

Today I have access to the internet again, after a week and a half off-line.

FINALLY!!!

Wow, that is a long wait - new connections take a week apparently. I guess there is more to it than flicking a switch or punching a few details into a computer. I don't think they fully understand how important it is to a person to be without her friends for a week :)

It has forced me to do more housework than normal though - and this is good. I am enjoying a clean and clutter free home.

Just to fill you in, just in case you don't know - a week and a half ago I got the keys to my new rental property and my kids and I moved in. Well, technically, we are still moving, lol, these things take time :)

It was a HUGE blur!! Last Wednesday week I didn't have a hope of a property, as I was turned down for the only one I liked since I started looking. Nothing was out there that was big enough. All of a sudden, that afternoon, I received a call from the property manager offering me the place I wanted all along. By Friday we had the keys and were moving stuff in. Saturday the 8th of May was the start of my new life. I am soooooo relaxed and happy.

A GINORMOUS thank you to Wendy and her husband (and kidlets :) for galloping at a moments notice with a truck, big manly muscles, energiser bunny style of motivational organisation and lots of laughs and bewildered scratching of the head (that last bit was just me). I love youse all, and wouldn't have done it without you. I owe you big time. And I have a large box of tea bags now :) very embarrassing - me not being a tea drinker and all - sorry Wendy.

Big thanks to my daughters friends, Mitch and Nathan. Who innocently asked did we need a hand and ended up being on the heavy end of quite a few bits of furniture. They are steering clear of me now - ITS OK TO COME BACK NOW GUYS, ITS ALL OVER :D

We are almost done. I still haven't bought over my books and there are a few pieces still hanging around in the walk in robe, waiting to come.

I still have about four boxes to unpack here - most of which contain decorative items and I am not quite sure where to put them yet. I also have an entertainment unit down in the garage, waiting for some strong arms to bring it inside..

I feel soooooo free. so relaxed and happy. I am blown away by how natural this seems, how normal and right, after living with someone and sharing their bed for 27 years… I would have thought I would feel some kind of angst. But no. It is the right thing for both of us. We are both content.

Please pop in :)

I have both tea AND coffee now. You are most welcome.

Today was the funeral of the son of a dear friend of mine. I am thinking of you Kay and sending you lots and lots of love. A mother should never outlive her own child. RIP Deano - I wish I could have known you.

xoxo

No life can escape being blown about by the winds of change and chance. And though you never know all the steps, you must learn to join the dance.....

2010-04-25T15:49:00.001+10:00

Another rollercoaster week just gone. Big stuff. I went for a job interview last Tuesday - at our local neighbourhood centre - and administrative assistant, 3 days per week. I think i went “ok”. I don't know. It was a panel interview, and they did a lot of writing, and that is always good, but who knows who I was up against… am keeping positive about it though, I felt like it was my job - and still feel that - but am concerned now that they didn't call on Friday like they said they would. and they haven't called my referees. So that either means they haven't got around to it yet or i have been unsuccessful. I know panels can be hard to get back together to make choices, and as it is a government position, they may have to submit their choice to the department, just like they do in the Education Department. So am just waiting….. damn long weekend :)

Also, I was FINALLY able to look inside a house that I have had my name down to view since bloody January. It has finally become vacant, and a string of ‘coincidences’ led to me seeing the property on Thursday. they also said they would contact me regarding my application on Friday. And they didn't. So now I am waiting to hear from them too….. damn long weekend :)

I hate waiting… :)

Never mind, que sera sera.

Had a great day yesterday with some more Manifestation Boards. With three awesome sisters. Lots of creative genius, laughter, chit-chat and food had by all. We discovered the joy of Quince paste, cheese and sourdough - oh yeah, that's what it is all about. :)

Sometimes it doesn't matter

2010-04-14T21:30:00.001+10:00

just how long you have known a person for…

Sometimes people just do things that are incomprehensible.

Sometimes I just don't understand.

Why. Why do people do what they do. Selfishness and ignorance I guess. Particularly from those that consider themselves to be a cut above others. Pffft.

Sorry - rant over.

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

2010-04-14T20:57:00.001+10:00

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the post man this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter”

rofl

If I were…

2010-04-13T23:20:00.001+10:00

If I were a month I’d be APRIL
If I were a day I’d be FRIDAY
If I were a time of day I'd be LATE, AFTER THE KIDS HAD GONE TO BED
If I were a font I'd be LUCIDA HANDWRITING
If I were a sea animal I’d be A MERMAID
If I were a direction I’d be WEST
If I were a piece of furniture I’d be A COMFY RECLINER WITH A SOFT CUSHION, THROW RUG AND GOOD BOOK
If I were a gemstone I’d be STILL IN THE ROUGH, WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED
If I were a tree I’d be A HONG KONG ORCHID
If I were a tool I’d be A CORDLESS DRILL
If I were a flower I’d be A SCOTCH THISTLE
If I were an element of weather I’d be A STREAKY GOLD AND PURPLE SUNSET
If I were a musical instrument I’d be PLAYING TO THE SOUND OF MY OWN DRUM
If I were a colour I’d be PURPLE
If I were an emotion I’d be HOPE
If I were a fruit I’d be A CRIMSON SEEDLESS GRAPE
If I were a sound I’d be THE HAPPY LAUGHTER OF CHILDREN
If I were an element I’d be WATER
If I were a car I’d be A CAMRY - RELIABLE AND QUICK OFF THE MARK
If I were a food I’d be LUNCH WITH GOOD FRIENDS…
If I were a place I’d be QUIET AND RELAXING
If I were material I’d be FLUFFY AND SOFT
If I were a taste I’d be SALTY
If I were a scent I’d be VANILLA
If I were a body part I’d be THE ENQUIRING MIND
If I were a song I’d be BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
If I were a bird I’d be AN OWL
If I were a gift I’d be CHERISHED
If I were a city I’d be MELBOURNE
If I were a door I’d be HARD TO OPEN BUT ONCE YOU MANAGED YOU WOULD BE GLAD YOU DID
If I were a pair of shoes I’d be THONGS
If I were a poem I’d be STRAIGHT TO THE POINT…. NO BEATING AROUND THE BUSH :)

Thanks Jac and Nat - had fun

xoxo

I can do this

2010-04-13T11:38:00.001+10:00

Ok, I have just been reminded AGAIN about the power of positive self talk.

My life has been really really miserable lately - and this is affecting so many areas, including my kids, who are picking up on it and it is upsetting them too. In my most down and desperate moments I often think, “I cant do this anymore”. Meaning i am soooo sick of putting up with the misery of having to cohabitate with one whose energy is so discordant with mine, it feels like fingernails down the blackboard. Misery. Sadness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. These and more have filled my weaker moments. And I am having more and more weak moments.

So….. this brings me back to my post title.

I CAN do this. I CAN plan and wait until the right place comes along to remove myself and my children to. It has been this long now, I can wait a little longer. I can do all I can to try and organise myself to get ready to move us out. I can start packing and planning.

I can learn from all of this. I can learn and move forward.

I can.

I know I can.

Thank you for listening.

xoxo

P.S. - G, I am sorry, I recieved your message, I just forgot to go in and publish it. Thank you and am sorry xoxo

What a week…….

2010-04-11T23:29:00.001+10:00

I am feeling quite angry actually.

I will admit to it, and am not proud, but want to smash something.

I have a dilemma.

My dilemma is this.

My husband and I are separating. FOR GOOD. We are in totally different libraries, let alone books, let alone pages. We have been together for 27 years all up. We have 3 awesome children and I wouldn't change that for the world. We are just so miserable together now.

I wont go into the gory details.

But we are both over each other.

I am moving out with 2 of the 3 kids. The eldest, who is almost 18, is staying with her dad, basically because he lets her do what she wants without even asking her where she is going, let alone when she is coming home. He considers this an invasion of her privacy. I think it is helping to keep her safe. Just knowing where she will be and when she will be home. Frikken dickhead. I am so angry with him about this. I hope she survives under his lack of supervision.

The others are coming with me. We are trying to find a big house in the area we need for everyone to be able to walk to where they need to go, thereby saving me about 1000 driving hours each week.

I have been looking for 3 months. Agghhhhhhh. One place was perfect. Absolutely frikken perfect. And at the last minute the tenants decided not to move. Aggghhhhhhhh. Shattered. I would be in there by now.

I get the message that there is something I need to do before I leave. Some lesson to be learned.

Ok, I get that. SO WHAT IS IT???????????

Please tell me what it is so i can get the frik out of here.

I am dying inside.

I am soooo miserable.

I dont like it.

At all

Please universe - HELP…..

or I could win lotto

that would work too :)

I am very sick of being sad

I am very sick of being disrespected.

I am very sick of waiting when I am ready to go.

Please universe

Set me free……….

sigh

Thank you

2010-04-10T23:20:00.001+10:00

Yesterday was my 16th wedding anniversary. I just wanted to say thank you…..

Wow - 27 years is a loooong time.

Thank you most of all for my three beautiful children. Although at times they have caused me worry and distress, I would never ever ever swap them for anything else in the world. They are amazing and wonderful and I love them more then life itself. They are my reason for being. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do as I pleased during this time. My far reaching interests over the years have ranged from calligraphy and photography to meditation, committees, netball and jazz ballet. I cant really recall any moment during all this time when you actually stopped me from doing anything. I am forever grateful for that.

I will always and forever appreciate how you have supported us in such fine fashion. We have had the luxury of a beautiful home, filled with furniture, books and toys. Fridges and pantries chock-o-block with food. Reliable comfortable vehicles that have gotten us from point a to point b.

Thank you for allowing me my own space to think and reason. Your habit of leaving me on my own has fostered a curious and active mind that loves to learn things and try new skills. Because you were almost never around, I mostly never had anyone near me to tell me that I was incapable of doing something - so I just did it anyway. Plus I can use almost any tool, drive a truck, ride a motorcycle. Thanks for teaching me this stuff. I am sure knowing one end of a screwdriver from the other will come in handy when i am on my own.

Thanks for loving me. In the early days, we most certainly shared a kind of love that suited us right down to the ground, for where we were in our evolution at that time. I was of incredibly low self esteem back then, and you helped me to raise my self esteem to something above the baseline.

I want to say thank you.

Thank you for my awesome kids. Thank you for allowing me to do what I want to do. Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

P.s. It was our 16th wedding anniversary yesterday. Sigh.

I was a bit sad. I was sooooo disappointed that we could not have worked it out.Instead, we are at a point of being really intolerant of each other. I wish that was not so… I loved you. I love our children. Thank you…

Jen

A dream…..

2010-03-21T13:38:00.001+11:00

Interpretations welcome!!

I was with my husband inside the house we are living in now. I looked out the window to see a tree (that does not exist in reality) and saw a big brown bear jumping up and trying to grab a branch. Once he finally grabbed it and pulled it downwards, a border collie dog started walking down it and out of the tree. I was watching in amazement and followed the branch back up into the tree. I saw a whole line of Border Collies in the tree, heading down and along the branch that the bear was holding down for them. I then saw that there were babies, i think there was three (ahem) hanging in the tree in like these little muslin or netting hammock things. they were just tied up there and hanging. I got really worried about those babies and started saying ‘we have to save those babies’. One of the babies grabbed a dog as it passed by and it hung on for just a second, enough time to dislodge it partly from its hammock thingy. My husband was unconcerned and was saying ‘they will be fine’. I called the fire brigade and gave them clear instructions to reach this house and how to manoeuvre out the back to reach the babies.

Thats when i woke up.

Ok, now I have three kids. My husband owned a border collie when i met him. I guess one other reason I am leaving him (once I find a rental property… grrrrrr) is to save my kids and myself.

I just googled ‘bear’ for dream interpretation and it means ‘independence’ according to the one i looked at.

Ok, so all the symbols fit - but what is it telling me?? Still pondering that.

I would love to hear what you have to say about this dream.

xoxo

am working one up

2010-03-20T22:48:00.001+11:00

promise i will be back tomorrow :D

can you wait??? sorry, I know it has been ages

A random me-me - avoiding reality

2010-03-10T10:44:00.001+11:00

Instructions: The post is a list of 99 random things. Bold the ones that you yourself have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Tasmania
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Sea World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Went to the top of Centrepoint Tower
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow man
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen the Murray River in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Crossed the Sydney Harbour Bridge
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited Uluru
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Been to a jail
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy
70. Visited the War Memorial in Canberra
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood on the steps of the Sydney Opera House
74. Toured the Great Ocean Road
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Kimberleys in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited Parliament House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Dog on the Tuckerbox in person
96. Swam in the ocean
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Words for Women to Live By

2010-02-28T22:16:00.001+11:00

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - buy some Coronas.
12. Forget about the perfect man - he's living in Bondi with his boyfriend.
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

ch ch ch changes…

2010-02-18T22:52:00.001+11:00

Much is afoot here. Many things are changing and I am feeling sooo good about this. My husband and I have finally made positive steps towards moving apart. I am on the hunt for a rental property right now, big enough for me and the kids. Everyone is taking it all really well. I didnt want to really tell my youngest about it all yet - at least not until we had somewhere to go or some plans in place. But he overheard a conversation, and being the sensitive, intuitive boy he is, he picked up on our cryptic conversation and put two and two together. He was a bit upset at first, but has come around, knowing that he will only be a couple of kilometres away from daddy and can visit practically any time. Middle child was always ok with it - eldest has come around quite well, so all is pretty good.

I sent an email to the estate agent that we have always used, and he responded immediately. He is well out of our area, but has taken me on board again - he has lots and lots of contacts and has always looked after me in the past. He has told me to use his name on any reference I want - so that makes me feel good to know that he is helping me.

I am actually really excited. I am looking forward to moving.

i know it will be really hard, but it will be worth it, i know that for sure.

i have the support of some incredible friends.

I was only saying to my daughter a little while ago how truly blessed I am to be able to count as my friends quite a few truly inspirational women. Women who have influenced my life and supported me. Women who have shown me by example how to be their authentic selves. I am honoured beyond belief. Most of them will not read this post. Some will - and i bow to you. May that I honour you in return by living up to the example you have set me.

On the other hand - it still continues to amaze me how low some people will actually go. The old saying “revenge is best served cold” is alive and kicking. Betrayal and disloyalty are two character traits that I count up there with dishonesty and selfishness. I am saddened to have witnessed some truly low acts. I take these as an example of how NOT TO BE and try to move on.

anyway - thinking of you who may be sad this evening, and also of those who are rockin’ to acca dacca - woo hooo!!!

Oh well, I best retire, I am off to work tomorrow (fourth day this week :) ) and need all the beauty and brains sleep I can get.

Luv Jen

xoxo

Humidity

2010-02-04T19:41:00.001+11:00

I dont know about you but I am soooo frikken sick of this bloody humidity!!! Every time i get out of the air conditioned car, my glasses fog up and I cant see !! grrrrrr

AnamCara

2010-01-26T23:16:00.001+11:00

I am happy.

Thank you AnamCara

xoxo

New blog

2010-01-26T11:07:00.001+11:00

I have started a new blog for my photography - specifically for my entries in the i♥faces weekly challenges. I have often hesitated to put them up here, as I feel it is pretty boring for those that aren't interested. Anyway, here is the link to my photography blog if you want to take a look. :)

moving right along

2010-01-19T23:18:00.001+11:00

It is incredible just how much it hurts on so many levels after being let down by someone(s) that you have held so dear. Oh my goodness what a lot of changes have been going on in my life - in every area, on every front.

Selfish, uncaring, egotistical, thoughtless, thankless, stupid people just shit me to frikken tears. I am soooo over it. Did I mention egotistical… grrrr

ok - rant over

What a rollercoaster I have been on. I am desperately trying to stabilise my life - I am holding onto the life raft with both hands here. My total one thought is for my kids, although two of them are kids no longer, but still kids to me. I love them with everything I have - they are my world. My focus at this point in time is to make sure they know without a shadow of a doubt, that someone, me, loves them more then life itself. We have had some very trying times lately. Lots of stuff has been going on. Lots to deal with. Lots to try to understand. Lots of growing, and shifting and learning.

Until August this year I am in a Personal Year 1 numerologically. This is about new beginnings, and the beginnings of new beginnings. So many things have been reset lately.

My trust has been destroyed. My base has been destabilised. My grip on reality has been shaky sometimes. My faith, however, has never wavered. I have known, all along, that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am not being asked to do anything that I have not already previously agreed to. My learning is all mine and it is all relevant. Nothing happens without a reason.

Geeze do I wish it was over though. I know, however, that it is not.

I will continue to strive. I will continue to keep getting up. I will continue to fight for myself and my kids. I will be there for my friends, you know who you are. I will fight for you too.

I am going to watch Gossip Girl. Trashy, I know, but I love it.

xoxo

Happy First Birthday to I heart faces

2010-01-12T11:58:00.001+11:00

One of my favourite blogs FOR SURE!!! I am always blown away and totally inspired by the photos I see there - I have learned so so much!! This week it is their 1st birthday and the photo challenge this week is Best Face Photo - must have been taken during either December 2009 or January 2010. This is a picture of my Kira, we had a bit of a photo shoot, trying for lots of different shots for me to practice my post production skills on. Thanks for looking :)

Why not head on over there and check out the other entries!!

Character assassination

2010-01-08T16:08:00.001+11:00

What a lovely day when you are judged by someone that DOESNT EVEN KNOW YOU really, after some frikken dickhead has assassinated your character in your absence previously.

Shithead

I am really pissed off now. And I feel like an idiot - even though it wasnt even my fault.

grrrr x 15458486156489+615

rustle in the bushes

2010-01-07T16:03:00.001+11:00

i am too annoyed to post

and too tired

i have had no sleep again

beware the rustle in the bushes - someone may be watching

A Quote…

2010-01-01T13:10:00.001+11:00

I just came across this. I feel it quite apt.

There is no insurmountable solitude. All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence, in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song - but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human and of believing in a common destiny.

Pablo Neruda (1904 - 1973)

Yes. I think so.

Happy New Year my friends. May 2010 bring whatever it is your heart desires. Love you lots. xoxo

the sun is high in the sky in 2010

2009-12-30T22:14:00.001+11:00

The shadow is only an absence of light. The brilliant light of 2010 will vanquish any traces of shadows.

I will continue my saga….

Giving more thought to all of this last night instead of sleeping (:S) i realised one more thing.

I mentioned that one of my significant friendships broke down. I realised last night that I had three very important friendships in my life. I already mentioned that one broke down. Another moved to Canberra - a long distance friendship is possible but hard to maintain - so that gradually lost its intensity. The last one reunited with her partner - and became smitten with him again, and whatever energy that she had available for me was seriously declined.

So - I was very very alone by the end of 2005. More alone then I realised. Sigh.

Alone and things that are already big look HUGE. Alone and problems become insurmountable. Doubt - my worst enemy was undermining me at every step. Others were undermining me too. My husband would say to me things like “no wonder the kids are so screwed up with you raising them”. I rail against these remarks but I have no comeback. In a sense he is right. Only because of my utter indecision was making me weak - or appear weak at least. Its like the strong and vibrant me had been trapped inside. Trapped there with no way to make herself heard. She is looking out from behind my eyes and cannot believe what she sees.

Actually, I get to this point and I realise that I have reached the core of it. The whole basis of this thing.

I was isolated, and alone. I had to make lots of choices and decisions. Everything rested upon my shoulders. This was fine to start with, but as my support systems began dropping off, and my rocks began to crumble. When the weight I was carrying became heavier and harder to understand. I had no one to bounce anything off. I had no one to help me stand back up again when i was knocked over.

Maybe the very first panic attack, two hours out of Canberra, driving away from my last remaining rock, was what tipped me over the edge. I didn't think of it that way, and was excited for her and boost to her career that the move down there signified.

I wasn't worried about the driving either. I was an extremely confident driver and would drive anywhere in anything. I wasn't worried about Sydney traffic either.

I have been mystified ever since, what triggered that first attack.

hmmmm - well……. ok

how interesting.

So now I know. It feels right. For whatever reason, I had to go through this period of time - this period where I was almost completely dismantled. I was able to function but was so stressed and uncertain that I allowed others to come in to my space and tear me to even more shreds.

I have risen above a lot of this already. My progress has been slow but steady. Hampered by my lack of confidence in my self - lack of conviction - and lack of support. I must learn to rely on no one. I must stop yearning for someone to stand by my side because it just isn't going to happen.

I have built a support system around me again. I have probably kept them a little at arms length though, because the ones that I have let all the way in have been taken from me, time and time again. So a support system of incredible women. Women who are goddesses in their own right. Women that I admire and respect enormously.

Women that I must learn from - as much as I can.

I know it probably seems too simple. An anticlimax maybe?? To me it is like a bolt from the blue.

Now.

First of all I must make sure it doesn't happen again.

Secondly I must take steps to build up my confidence.

But most of all - I need to find a way to get the communications through the fuzzy grey stuff between my daughters and myself.

Shine my light so brightly.

Yes.

Let that be the mantra of 2010.

Shining my light so brightly that there can be no shadows.

Blessed be

xoxo

Outrunning the shadow of 2005

2009-12-29T23:21:00.001+11:00

A shadow. I only just realised it was there. Actually, more to the point, I knew ‘it’ was there, I just didn't know what ‘it’ was. It was a year that has changed my life irrevocably. The effects have been felt right to my very core, slowly but surely it has seeped into every area of my life.

I am writing this for myself. To document it, to try and puzzle more sense, because while I try and explain it to you, it becomes clearer in my head as well. This post may appear a little whiny or ‘poor me’ at times - I wont apologise for that. I am not after sympathy - I am just trying to get it straight in my head. And then I can commence running - or turn around and face it. Whatever is more appropriate.

It could get long though. I hope you have time. Refer to warnings of Deep Vein Thrombosis for sitting still too long in one place - move around a bit if necessary. :)

What happened in 2005. Several things.

My youngest child started kindergarten and my eldest started high school. Three kids in three schools. This also led to pressure for me to start working more then the 4 hours a week I had been doing previously.
I took my kids to the first of the ‘me and them, no dad’ holidays. This was due to his work commitments at the time - but has become the norm since. I drove us to Canberra to stay for a week with two different friends that had recently moved down there.
On the way home we were to stop at my elder brothers home in western Sydney for a night.
I started having panic attacks during the trip between Canberra and Sydney. I didn't know what they were so totally fed it. It ended up being a MAJOR attack with shortness of breath, chest pain, woozy head and severely heightened anxiety. This attack ended up lasting over 16 hours - three of which were spent stuck in a traffic jam that saw us taking three hours to travel about ten kilometres. I honestly thought I was going to die. For some reason, I kept it all to myself and suffered in agonised silence.
A long standing significant friendship broke down.
My mothers health deteriorated to the point where I thought she only had months, if not weeks, to live. (I might add she is still alive and kicking - well, not kicking exactly, but alive)
My eldest child started ‘hanging with wolves’. This was when the first of several friendships with much older girls began. These girls were not ‘nice’ girls and had quite significant behavioural issues. My daughter had always been the quiet and subdued girl in the background. Emotional bullying had been consistent and relentless over the previous three - four years and settled down once they went to high school. All of a sudden, she had girls up to four and five years older then her hanging around. This set a pattern that lasts to this day.

I think that's about it. There were lots of other smaller offshoots that were caused by the above points - but there are the basic issues.

Like ripples in a pond - slowly and surely I have allowed that annus horribilis to affect me.

I guess the biggest and most debilitating thing is the panic attacks. I suffered them in silence for quite a number of months, even years (?), before I was describing the feelings to Michelle and she gave a name to what it was I was feeling. I had suffered while driving, while in crowds, while shopping, during ‘intense’ conversations…. although they were lessening over time and becoming less and less intense. I was able to make sure I didn't get myself into situations where I knew I would have trouble. I would stand in the doorway of the hall during school assembly (on the odd occasion that I had to go), instead of sitting with the other parents in the chairs. White lighting myself helped, but had to be constantly visualised, the moment my attention lapsed, bang, back it would come.

These feelings of powerlessness and being out of control seriously undermined my self esteem (which was already on the shaky side), made me doubt myself in almost every area. I started second guessing myself, questioning my own decisions and ability to cope. My daughters, mainly the eldest, who was already beginning her ‘rebellious stage’ (she is still in this stage), sensed my indecision and pounced on any crack in my resolve and used it against me. A vicious circle of over reaction and badly handled tantrums ensued, and continued to wear away at whatever resolve I had. Gradually I started to regain control over myself and begin to mend the damage to our relationship, but I fear that full healing is a long way off yet. I cant get through to the eldest, and it seems that there is a permanent ‘fuzzy grey area’ between us, and any communications passing through this area get mixed up and mis-understood - offence is often taken where none is intended. Plus she has the horrendous bad attitude of a 17 year old.

Powerlessness is the key word here. Powerlessness and indecision.

I have spent some time talking to a psychologist about this. She explained to me the physical reasons for panic attacks. She also talked to me about how to prevent one from occurring and how to stop one if it starts. I can do all that now. The damage was done though. It was done during all that time that I was frightened and had no one to turn to. I was too afraid to go to my doctor, I hinted and touched on it with a couple of friends. I didn't tell the whole story to anyone though. I tried to tell my husband - he just scoffed at me and looked at me like I was an idiot. That didn't help.

I think that is a big part of it too. I have no one that I can rely on. No one to help me when things get tough. Sure I have friends - but they are all going through their own shit and are all at some kind of ‘coal face’ themselves. What I mean about no support is this. My mother and mother in law are both too old to help. I have no other family here. I don't have a sister. My brother and his wife are too busy climbing the corporate ladder to worry about me, my other brother lives in another city. I have no aunts, or uncles and my cousins all live in other cities and states. Alone. No help - no one to come and watch the kids for me, or, more of a dream, to take them for the weekend to give me a bit of a break. I am not one to come forward and ask for help either. The harder things are for me, the more I isolate myself. This isn't a good thing really, but that's just how I am.

So here I am, alone and powerless. I feel myself sliding into the abyss and I don't know what to do about it. My husband decides that now is the time he would start to withdraw himself from me also. I cant explain it. Maybe he didn't know what to do - so he withdrew. This set his pattern that also continues to this day. A pattern that will culminate in my moving out soon and taking the kids with me. That's another story. My tenuous grip on controlling the wildly swinging teenage hormones is slipping and I sometimes resort to getting angry and yelling to try and stay in control. This fails miserably as we all know it does - however in the grip of it all, I cant think of anything else to do.

Time moves on and the kids grow older and their issues and situations grow with them. As they do.

I become involved in a group of very strong women who become one of my few remaining rocks. I wish from the start that they had known me before. I wish that they knew me when I was gutsy and strong. When I didn't take any shit from anyone and didn't care what anyone thought. Well, within reason, you know. I was strong in my convictions, and my faith. I knew where I was coming from and embraced the mystery of what was to come. Don't get me wrong, I had lots of uncertain moments and made plenty of mistakes. I just didn't let them get me down and I learned from them. I wish you knew me then. Within that group I regrew some wings. Wings that were very different to the ones I had before, but wings nonetheless. Quietly and steadily I started to heal. Certain areas of my life I am very very strong. I have regained my faith in the universe and my own set of beliefs that take from and span almost every known creed in the universe. I am everything and I am nothing. So mote it be.

Other parts of me are way way less certain. I am ‘scratch and sniff’ emotions. They are so close to the surface 24/7 that it only took the slightest provocation and I would lose it. The camel was always one straw away from having a broken back. I was trapped in this dubious emotional state for at least three years. To some extent it still haunts me. Although I am nowhere near as emotional I was before - thank the goddess - I am still far from where I was originally. I have always been a deep feeling person though. Even before I was a deep feeler and a deep thinker. This has been my undoing on numerous occasions. I have managed to drag myself away from the edge of that abyss so that I am not falling in with every slight and upset. Town crier - I have worn that badge for a while now. I guess I allowed myself to feel my feelings where I felt safe to do so - until I was told by one I trusted “oh stop crying, we are sick to death of it”. That snapped something in me - trust for one thing - and it made me keep it even further trapped indoors.

I am tired now - and I congratulate you if you have made it this far through this post.

I will come back and finish it tomorrow. I promise.

There is so much more to tell. More to unravel. More to tie in.

The path to healing. That's how I see it. If I am to escape this shadow I must see it for what it truly is. old news.

I must get over it and move on.

Til tomorrow.

xoxo

bush challenge 2009!!!

2009-12-20T22:37:00.001+11:00

This is our Christmas tree at night

this is during the daylight hours

today I am grateful for….

2009-12-19T23:49:00.001+11:00

Hope. Hope and love. Hope that makes your heart swell with the promise of good things to come. I have been fortunate enough to be in the company of some lovely friends today - friends who we shared the gift of giving and hope for the future. Hope for a future that may not be as we all envisioned it a month ago, but one that will be wonderful nevertheless. I believe that hope is almost as important as faith. Mix it with love and you have a winning combination.
That my SPF shopping is done. totally done and dusted. All done, wrapped, and ready to go. So very good. It is amazing what a relief to know that I will not be sitting up at 2am on SPF morning, wrapping - taking shortcuts with paper and tape. Very slack. Not this year - all done. Most excellent.
My sense of humour. This has seen me through some sticky situations.. a couple of which were today… it is amazing how a laugh or even just a smile can diffuse a situation and make a very different outcome to where it was heading. Laughter certainly is a very powerful medicine.
These photos of Santa. Goodness me Santa, what a lovely body you have…. You would never have guessed that he had all this hiding beneath that red suit!! :)

Now that, ladies, is what it is all about….

Until tomorrow

Jen

xoxo

Friday… faith

2009-12-18T21:33:00.001+11:00

What a week it has been. What a couple of weeks really. There has been so much going on. So many words have been spoken.

There has been so much going on in my mind today. I think it might have been the coke I had to try and raise my energy levels - but truth be told, my mind us usually as busy any day. Some of the things I have been pondering today is about friendship. Friendship and loyalty. Understanding and looking at stuff from another's point of view. Also about expected outcomes - and how if an outcome ends up differently then we expected, then we twist the scenario to fit our expectation anyway. Very painful - but interesting in my study of human behaviour. Sometimes people that we love do some very unexpected and thoughtless things. I just wish that sometimes people would think before they spoke, acted, or hit the publish button. Sigh.

My north node in gemini in the sixth house is all about me looking at situations from the others point of view - so I guess it is second nature for me to try and understand the opinion of all involved.

Enough disappointment this week to last me a lifetime. Never mind. I will move on - and I am sure that the outcome will be greater then the sum of its parts.

I had a nice night at the Presentation Night for my middle daughters Collegiate on Wednesday night this week. She didn't get an award but she performed in the cheerleading group that she belongs to that I mentioned in a previous post. Here is a picture (thanks Nat!! - I forgot my camera) - she is the one furthest to the right hand side of the stage - partially obscured by the girl in front’s arm. They are used to performing on a full size gymnastics floor, and the stage the other night was about 6 times smaller. The area you can see in the photo is it - total floor space for performance. They did an awesome job though and showed what a professional unit they were in the face of adversity. Most excellent. I also had the pleasure of watching the daughters of some of my very dear friends getting academic awards - well done Caity and Kayla!!

I am going to enter the week before SPF with wishes and gratitude. My seven days of wishes :) -

Here is what I wish for myself.

I wish that my life is a bit boring. Boring as in - non drama. Boring as in not out of the ordinary in any way. I also wish that those that I share my life with, mainly the teenagers, have as many not scary, not anxious, not edgy moments as possible. And when they do get a hormonal rush that makes them lash out like a crazy woman, that they recognise this and work through it.

I wish for my life to be centred around Art. Art and Love. I wish for many many months of creating and that I not be pulled in many different directions at once, so lessening my chance to create.

I wish for whatever it takes to make my very dear friends happy. I wish that the angst that may reside within them be dissolved upon exposure to light. And I wish a very bright light to shine on them right now. I wish this also for myself.

I wish for peace. And let it begin with me.

Blessed be

xoxo

I ♥ Faces - Pets

2009-12-14T18:35:00.001+11:00

Pet Week this week at I ♥ Faces. I thought I might enter this picture of my kitty Kat - his name is Bilbo, but we all just call him Kitty.

Why not head on over and check out all the other entries in this weeks Pets Only challenge.

Friday evening…

2009-12-04T22:37:00.001+11:00

What a week it has been. There has been soooo much emotion – expressed, implied and suppressed. An implosion was always on the cards.

Hopefully the cards have all fallen where they need to be. It will be plain to those involved – how they feel if it is right for them.

I have had a full on week in many ways. My relationships are all shifting – some good some bad. I have re connected with eldest daughter. Now it remains to be seen if we can maintain that connection. It doesn't help if you have her father driving a wedge in there where he can. Dickhead. How could he think that he could come between a mother and her daughter. Like i said – Dickhead. This is still quite volatile and unstable though. At this point in the proceedings I know that it would only take one wrong thing to bring it all crashing down again. I am determined however, and committed to making a difference. The cost would be too great not to.

Christmas coming. Or should I say SPF (Stolen Pagan Festival). I have a large bush in my living room. Complete with flashing lights and tinsel. Oh Joy. Have been out and spent a lot of money already, and with more to spend. Will be back out this weekend with aforementioned princess to try and finish off her gifts. that just leaves my boy. I have half done him. and most of the rellos. Sigh. At least i will have time to come back and sit in a corner and rock. Uninterrupted. Thank the goddess about that. And of course there is always Christmas Cheer – the bottled kind.

I have tried to contact my brother to see what is happening spf day, but he hasnt returned my call. how unusual. grrrrrr

anyway.

back to in.

have a nice weekend

and dont go too crazy over the silly season.

love Jen

xoxo

Just one tiny pat

2009-12-01T11:09:00.001+11:00

on the back for me. Just one. I had nightmare eldest daughter home this morning as she wasn't rostered on for work. As usual she was filled with bad manners and an even badder attitude. Usually this winds me up. Slowly but surely, as time goes on – and my wishes are ignored and scoffed at – I get more and more pissed off. Until I am at the point of explosion and let her have it. This happens regularly. Too regularly.

Today – I could feel the anxiety building inside me. Today I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself. I was in no way ‘calm’ or even close to it really, but i wasn't murderous. I was well away from the edge. I told her calmly and without getting angry what i expected from her.

End result. I kept my dignity – which i sometimes lose when I let my emotions overtake me.

I am happy with how that went.

I was able to get some things out that needed to be said.

Hopefully she will think about them.

Handed over to the Goddess.

Enjoy your day

Jen

xoxo

I promised you a pist today, and here it is

2009-11-30T10:06:00.001+11:00

Well, I will try to make sense of some of the crap that is whirling around in my head here.

It has been a long long month or so here. Lots of stuff going on. I have had some fairly huge battles with my eldest daughter and my husband. Both of whom are cut from the same cloth, so it seems. A large streak of selfish ignorance going on there. I have handed them both over to the Goddess because I don't know what to do anymore. Whatever I do is wrong so that's me over and out. Whenever they upset me with their thoughtless and hurtful remarks, i have just taken a deep breath, handed it over, and walked away. This has taken a huge amount of effort on my behalf I must say – being used to doing everything for everyone like i was.

A weekend away was just what the doctor ordered there too. Two of my friends that I started Kindergarten with and I went away to a caravan just up the coast about two hours. It was incredible. We laughed together so hard our stomach muscles ached. We cried together. We talked about anything and everything. We swam. We got dumped in the waves. We ate. And we laughed some more.

Here we are just before we left. In case you didn't know, I am the one in the middle, Lea is on the left, and Rhonda is on the right.

It was just what the doctor ordered. I was able to tell some stories of my pain and those girls helped me put them into a place where I can deal with them. I have managed to gain a bit of distance in order to heal myself just a bit further away from the edge. The edge of the emotional abyss that I have been hovering for weeks now. It was only taking a little push to knock me over the edge. So consequently most of my time was spent trying to clamber back out. The weekend has allowed me to create a buffer zone between me and the edge. My main priority at the moment is to strengthen and increase that buffer zone. To create some hand holds for me to grab onto so I am not so easily swept away. I do have a tendency to feel things very intensely. That seems to be part of my make up – recognising it and dealing with things immediately and taking steps not to dwell on things will be one of the first things I work on.

I don't know. – these things seem to come in cycles. It has been a particularly bad one lately – and that is part of the reason I have not blogged. I opened up a new post page dozens of times and sat with my hands on the keys. Sometimes typing a few words before giving up in frustration. I was in a bad place and just couldn't write about it. Couldn't think of anything else. So just shut the page. I just went back to Face book and wrote silly status updates that masked my pain. Sigh.

Anyway, the tide has turned. I have found some strength, enough to allow me to build upon it anyway.

Symbols are important to me. I love collecting rocks and shells and sticks or seed pods. Whatever Mother Nature leaves lying around. I see them as powerful messages to me that I am on the right track. I found some amazing rocks on the beach and a tiny perfect shell that is in front of me now. It is a spiral shell and I see it as representing the cycle of life. I will draw on that.

Another symbol that has been playing out over the past few months is beads. Often I will find a loose bead just laying somewhere conspicuous. My daughters have long grown out of playing with making bead bracelets and I have not done it for ages either. But still – a random bead will appear out of nowhere in the middle of a room at times. Today I found another. A white pony bead. I picked it up with a smile and headed to the little shelf to put it with the others. I walked away, thinking of my dad in spirit who I have been attributing them as messages from. Suddenly it hit me. My maternal grandmother LOVED beads. She wore them all the time – strands of coloured beads to match her clothes. She particularly loved blue, red and white beads. I remember that really well all the way through my childhood. Nanna lived about 1000 kilometres away, so we only saw her a couple of times a year. She passed away in 1992. The year my eldest was born. Hmmm. I headed back to the shelf and saw what I thought i would see. All the beads I had found and collected on the shelf were blue, red or white. Ok. I am with the program now. Its Nanna. Will pay closer attention now and see what comes. Interesting…

Anyway. Am off now to get changed and head out of a spot of Xmas shopping.

Look after YOU,

Lotsa luv, Jen, xoxo

tomorrow

2009-11-29T21:09:00.001+11:00

i will post something tomorrow.

this is a message to that person who may care. :)

xoxo

2009-10-29T16:03:00.001+11:00

this blog needs an overhaul.

will get onto that as soon as i have some time

a bubble

2009-10-29T15:52:00.001+11:00

sometimes

sometimes i seem to watching the world from behind the glass walls of my bubble

and although I am there

part of me is not

part of me is set apart and just watching.

watching and waiting for something

does anyone know what I am waiting for??

I don't...

In other news - Saturn leaves Virgo at 4.09am tomorrow morning AEST. I am cautiously ecstatic about that. It is time for it to move on and remove some pressure from me.

xoxo

Work

2009-10-28T22:52:00.001+11:00

I am work.

It consumes me and when I am not working or running around after some kid or another, I am being a domestic goddess or playing endless mind numbing games on Facebook. Sigh.

I know a lot of people are doing it pretty hard right now. I send my love to you all.

I ~~survived~~ played another game of Touch football tonight. We won. I didnt score though. Oh well. Only two games to go of this season and I will not be playing next season. It is too hard. I am too unfit. Am a real passenger on the team. I dont like that and get hugely frustrated with myself.

I didnt mention our wonderful Art Exhibition at The Cottage a few weeks ago. How remiss of me. I exhibited some photos and scanner art. It was an awesome time and a steep and amazing learning curve for me. I loved every moment of it. I have two facebook albums of the photos I had – here are the links -

The photos - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=115514&id=605312542&l=b644a5b28c

and the scanner art - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=115515&id=605312542&l=7d36990066

It was a great weekend and I would like to do it again some day. I certainly learned a lot. This is good.

Anyway.

I am so bloody tired that I cant keep my eyes open.

So am going to bed now.

Lotsa luv

Jen

xoxo

Fix it Friday

2009-10-17T22:13:00.003+11:00

Fix it Friday time again. Here is my fix on this gorgeous baby - who in my opinion needed NO editing. But - Seeing as the photo was beautiful anyway, i decided to do an extreme 'fix' on it. I used Picnik for this one for something different.

Here is the original

Here is my 'fix'.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

What Tarot card am I....

2009-10-05T14:33:00.001+11:00

Thanks Chelle - I might take the message from this card seriously - just what I need.

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Huge….

2009-10-03T21:30:00.003+10:00

Sometimes life changing moments come at times when you least expect it.
Last night, while I was cooking dinner and minding my own business, did I least expect a full blown character assassination by the man that i married. Some of his points were quite valid. I will own them. Some of them were so far off the wall – and so totally rich coming from him that is was ludicrous. It hurt a real lot though. One of my least favourite things – getting stripped down and ripped apart randomly. Our relationship has been pretty crap for a while now. I have known for some time that i would not spend the rest of my life with him. I admire him (mostly) as a person though – and we would make very good friends i think. Hopefully we can remain friends and remain on good terms for the sake of the kids and for the sake of our own sanity too.
I will not go into any sordid details here – but we have agreed that it is over and will spend the next couple of months finishing renovating our house, sell it, and go our separate ways.
A relief. And earth shattering too. Am scared witless and excited all at the same time. Gulp.
Life changing moment number 2
today – the funeral of my eldest half brother Paul. Paul was 57 when he passed over earlier this week from a suspected epileptic seizure. They are not sure 100%, but it matters not. I have not had a lot of contact with Paul …. ever really. He suffered some kind of retardation due to his difficult birth and although he was married (no kids) we never really saw much of him. I am very close to my other half brother though. Today, at Pauls funeral, I was blown away at what people said about him. He was inspirational in life for so many others – and now, in death, he is inspirational to me too. I have chosen to learn from his example of rising above the adversities his life threw at him and to find the positive side of life.
RIP brother. Until we meet again……..

Life changing moments number 3

Oh, the difference a few milligrams makes. My middle child – the most incredible child. The woman/child who is 14 going on 22. Who is talented to an absurd degree in anything that she CHOOSES to do. Who has been diagnosed and medicated for adhd for the past two years. With varying levels of success. A couple of months ago we hit upon the ideal dosage for school achievement and even she has been proud of what she has managed over the past few weeks. It has bliss and i have revelled in getting to know this beautiful and amazing young lady once again. Here is a self portrait of her that she edited herself for her myspace thingy. Stunning – even if i do say so myself….
Well – she has always refused to take her tablets during school holidays and weekends. We have always managed quite well during these times. But this time it is different. It is like the crash from the higher dosage is huger then it was before. She is getting herself worked up about anything that annoys her and is letting fly with a stream of abuse towards me in particular that does not stop for at least ten minutes or so. I wish i could get her to take the tablets but she wont. I understand her reluctance and have always stood by her choice to remain drug free for as much of her life as possible. But this is pretty hard to deal with. Twice in the past two days – while i was on the phone with my brother regarding Pauls funeral, and my boss regarding what happened at school on the last day, she has had a meltdown, complete with swearing like a wharfie to the point that I had to hang up in a hurry. Its like having a frikken three year old again. Shit. I am hoping that she will level out soon.
Anyway – suffice to say that I am very very delicate at this moment. I was touched beyond belief at the service for my brother today. A service that was non denominational at a funeral chapel close to where i live. The guy who ran it was either pagan or spiritual though and some words slipped out that spoke directly to my heart and soul and had me sobbing uncontrollably at one point. So much is at stake here. It seems that I have always sacrificed myself. No more. No more will I allow the negative side of my life to drag me down to the edge of the abyss. I am so over that. I WILL be happy damnit!! I will be independant and strong. Just like I used to be. Before I got dragged down. I cant remember how it happened. I suspect it has to do with life itself. And the accumulative effect – much like the straw and the camels back. I now vow to my brother Paul, that in his memory, I will build myself up, with as many positive experiences as I can – to be as positive and happy as i possibly can.
Thank you - this has been an epic rant. Que serra serra.
Jen
xoxo

Windows Live Writer

2009-09-30T21:40:00.001+10:00

Hmmm, interesting.

I just downloaded Windows Live Writer along with an update of MSN. Apparently I can create blog postings in it and am just checking it out now.

Well……….. is it working.

P.s. – in other news, I survived another game of Touch Football tonight…. JUST!!

tomorrow is a new day

2009-09-27T17:21:00.000+10:00

Hello. Here is another installment from the slackest blogger alive. I have opened up the New Post window quite a few times, and inspiration just will not come.

It has been a very introspective week. Kind of a 'sorting' week too. A 'trying to get things into perspective and/or into a place that I can handle' kind of week. I dont think I am there yet though. Sigh.

It has been all about wildly swinging polar opposites - from the absolute most dazzling of radiant joys to the depths of despair.

About information seeking and applying what has been found. Sometimes it fits, more often it doesnt.

Far out.

The symbol I recieved at our Ostara ritual last week was some musical notes. I guess that means 'harmony' to me. And this has been one of the holy grails of my life. I have painted it. Drawn it. Affirmed for it. I have striven for many many years. If I find an old journal and look at it, i always find Harmony, at the top of the list of the things i want to bring into my life. OBVIOUSLY I am going about it in the wrong way.

Anyway - will try to blog more, though I guess you wont fall for that one again and i will only make myself guilty for not blogging. Sooo, I will be back when i have something to say or some inspiration.

Take care my friends. I still read lots of blogs and I see that many of u s are having a hard time right now. I send love and light , healing and love to you all.

Farewell
Jen
xoxo

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Fixing it on a Friday again

2009-09-26T17:07:00.000+10:00

Here is my latest fix from

http://iheartfaces.blogspot.com/2009/09/fix-it-friday-30-hands-on-photo-editing.html
I adjusted the levels by a whole heap to bring out the gorgeous boy being led by the hand by a grown up. Then I cropped it heavily, desaturated, applied a grungy textured layer and there you go!! Best fun I have had all week. Thanks so much I ♥ Faces. :D

this is the original image

Here is my version.

Thanks for looking

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

WE WON

2009-09-13T20:38:00.000+10:00

Wow, what a bloody huge day. My alarm was set to go off at 4.30am (yes, I know, on a Sunday!!! Idiot am I) and I woke at 3.15am. This is after going to bed after 11.45pm. I lay awake until 4am and then got up anyway because I knew if I went to sleep then I would really suffer.

Anyway - we got on the bus at 5.45am at the High school and headed to sydney for our school team to compete in the third annual state american style cheerleading copetition in australia. WE WON OUR DIVISION. My god they were incredible. We hadnt seen them perform before, and were blown away. WOO HOO. What a blast. What a stinking hot day today too, 31 degrees Celsius. In Penrith. in a smallish sports complex with 900 competitors and probably at least 3000 spectators. They didnt run out of food but the line was 45 minutes to get some.

We had a great day.

The kids were beside themselves.

I should point out that these 'kids' were between years 8 and 10, so 13 - 16 years of age. They were incredible - military like precision, not li ke the rag tag rabble we usually see of our teens today.

very proud 'cheer mum' here today :D

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

sparrows fart

2009-09-13T05:30:00.000+10:00

Here I am - up at the crack of a freaking sparrows fart. Off to sydney today. Kira is competing in an american style cheerleading state competition.

hi ho

go team

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I like this photo....

2009-09-07T11:11:00.000+10:00

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Fathers day fire

2009-09-06T22:22:00.000+10:00

Well that was interesting.
Our whole day (almost) was spent today watching a fire creep its way across the wetlands to within about 30 metres of my home. So close that the firemen were about to start hosing our roof when it moved on a bit and away from danger.

I have posted some photos on my facebook page. Hopefully you can see them - here is the link.

Will try to be a better blogger - I have missed it really - but have been either overwhelmed with too much to say so couldnt know where to start, or had nothing. Sigh

We'll see....

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

a post

2009-09-06T22:17:00.000+10:00

I found the following post in my editing bit.. I thought I published it the other day.. sorry - i really am a slackarse!!

Ok, the worlds most slackest blogger is scratching some ink on this page... first time in nearly two weeks!! I am slack.

Lots has happened since then.

I have had my husband home for August - he was renovating the last room left in the house to do - the master bedroom. It has been such a huge job. The dickheads that owned this house before us were absolutely hopeless and were obvioulsy on some kind of halluciogenic drugs when they chose the colours - two walls were very dark navy blue, but almost black, two walls were spray can silverfrost, complete with runs, and the carpet was deep cherry red. There were different accents painted a revolting terracotta orange. Yummo, I can hear you say.

The whole job took so long because the room had to practically be re gyprocked and yes - we have still got to paint - but it is ALMOST ready for that. And the ensuite and wardrobe are FINISHED!! We still have got everythign packed away though - so it looks like there is sooo much room in there with no furniture except the bed.

anyway, thats boring

We played touch footy tonight - we won- i nearly scored again. Only nearly. Damn.
I am starting to get used to it. I didnt even near feel like i was going to die tonight. not even nearly.

so thats gooood - i am ovbiously getting a bit fitter.. ahem, yes, fitter. That is despite the fact that I have put on another couple of kilos since i last stepped on the scales - after all the physical activity that i have been doing. Sheesh, I have moved my massive body more in the last 4 weeks then I have in the past four years!!! Ripped off!!

So much is going on for me personally too.

I had a birthday last week. I was 44. I am happy with this number - was quite looking forward to it actually. Nice round numbers. I got an ipod, and a gobful of abuse from my mother. And when I challenged her with 'gee, thanks for making THAT an issue on my birthday - thanks very much' - she countered with more abuse for me making HER feel guilty!! Sheesh (again) Well pardon me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Far out, no wonder I am screwed up in the head!! lol

It has been tiring, have worked heaps. Have cleaned and messed up. Have accumulated bills and paid them off. Have just had my life get totally in the way.

You know what makes it so special most of the time?? Friends. Thats who. Yes, you know who you are.

thank you soooo much

xoxo

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

what a day

2009-08-24T21:55:00.003+10:00

Phew... was a 'get your skates on' kind of day for me.

so much accomplished.

so much organised

Have had much reason and prompting to look within (as usual). Some 'chance' remarks from friends, acquaintances and strangers have been quite syncronistic.

My head is literally swimming with information and thoughts and inspirations and feelings..... this is good, but it is very tiring.

So am going to bed now

Sorry am so boring.

OH, I almost forgot - I have been working on some photographs for the Cottage Art Exhibition. Having lots and lots of fun - cant wait for that one...

taa taa for now

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Fix it Friday

2009-08-22T17:20:00.000+10:00

I heart faces Fix it Friday is upon us again. I love this challenge. Here is a nice photo of a boy, named No Limits.

Here is my take on it.

I cant really remember all of what I did...
Obviously I cropped
and added a frame
another obvious one was black and white
I whitened the whites in his eyes and added to the catchlights.
I burned some of the background

Why dont you go and have a look at what everyone else has done at I ♥ Faces. Here is the link. http://iheartfaces.blogspot.com/

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

a word of encouragement

2009-08-21T22:21:00.000+10:00

I have been made aware in the past few days the incredible power of words. I mean in a positive sense. Am concentrating on that atm.

I had a message left for me.. from a person that I hold in very high esteem. The person left me two words. Those two little words have served to uplift me on umpteen occasions during the past few days. I have felt their power - the power of acceptance and appreciation, the power of friendship and love. Every time the image of them appears in my mind, and that has been often, i smile. And I feel warm in my heart. And each time I feel filled to overflowing with gratitude.

they are incredibly powerful, words. I have always tried to remember this - even before my very much appreciated example, that our words can make or break. They can uplift or drag down. They can make another feel a hundred feet tall, or lower than a pregnant worm.

I sometimes forget though. And wound someone. Not intentionally. not at all. no no no. Its more just 'thoughtlessness'. which in itself is a very bad thing, but when it hurts someone its even worse.

am off now

off to figure out what and who it is that i have protected myself against.

making a list

enjoy your weekend

I am getting up for the last game of soccer for the season in the morning... go plattsy!!!

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Deb

2009-08-17T21:42:00.000+10:00

I had a lovely day being everyones computer friend today.

The first part of the morning was spent 'p-d-effing' and emailing for my daughters lovely ballet teacher. Then the next part was updating and re-colouring the blog of our friend DEB. Go check out her new blog header and colour scheme. She promises that she will try and post more then every three months. Lets hold her to it!!

I am tired beyond belief right now.

And am hitting the sack - even before the end of Good News Week.

Nighty Night

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

This is my kitty cat

2009-08-16T22:00:00.000+10:00

I think he is cute.

I am free for a little while work wise.

Looking forward to 'chillin'.

and other stuff

yep.

I took that last post down, it just bothered me and I didnt like looking at it.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Goodness me..

2009-08-13T21:09:00.000+10:00

what a couple of days it has been. Bit of a roller coaster, but then again, isnt my life always like that?? lol

So far this week we have had the family 'get together' for eldest's 17th birthday. Same as usual, family power plays but with my mother throwing in an extra 'twist' (of the knife). Oh well, I have spent a lifetime disappointing that woman, why should things change now.

Last minute shopping for said birthday. I found it really hard to buy for her this year, seeing as she has been working for a while now and has her own money. We managed.

Eldest's 17th birthday. Was a nice quiet day for her because she booked herself a day off work to just 'chill'. Cool.. lol Hopefully a nice new change of attitude with come along with the more mature age.. well I can always hope!!!

Middle child (ballerina) playing a gala day of six games of RUGBY LEAGUE. yes, you heard right. Under 16 girls rugby league. Six weeks from her ballet concert. She survived, with only three stud gouges down her thigh, and some bruising. Far out. Relief when that was over. We told her ballet teacher tonight and she was absolutely horrified. It was so funny, because she tried to laugh it off, but you could see the terror in her eyes. Those long time readers might remember her foot injury with stitches only a week before last years concert...

My return to competitive sport after a break of a lot of years. I played my first game of touch football since high school last night. In my last game (1981) I was actually sent off by the referee. If my memory serves me correctly i think it was for tackling one of the opposition. She got up and jobbed me and I jobbed her back. We both got sent off. What a lovely memory. lol

Last nights game was very different. I only thought I was going to die of a heart attack once, and that was because i ran out and ran around like a mad old chook for the first five minutes then had to come off and recover for a while (lol). When I went back on I was much more 'mature' about it and took it a ~~bit~~ lot easier. Apparently I almost scored a try, I cant remember that very well, although I do have some vague recollection of an open try line which got closed very quickly and me frantically tossing the ball to someone so I didnt get tipped. That may have been the time. Oh, and darling daughter (who plays on the same team, yes the rugby daughter) informs me I argued with the ref. I certainly dont remember that one. Hmmm. maybe it was a body double last night, lol. Anyway, I pulled up fine this morning - with not even any soreness except for my stoopid feet. But thats normal.

Last night on Facebook was the most hilarious Snuggly war I have ever seen. I dont think I have laughed so hard for ages. Most excellent. I think I have been 'excommunicated' from the cottage because my daughter bought me a 'snuggly' - well a cheap knock off anyway. Even though I have not had a chance to use it because one of the kids seem to be using it every night... I might have to 'renounce' my snuggly ownership, sheesh, the price one has to pay... lol. Hilarious

and

Tomorrow is my last day of work in this stint. I need to go out to the dirty wrecking yard and pay the bills and do the banking, then back to school to make up for the hours I missed on wednesday arvo for our Stroud 2010 planning meeting. Woo hoo. Only 351 sleeps til we go!!

Ok, thats enough of a ramble for one day.

♥¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

In Harmony Astrology

2009-08-10T17:59:00.001+10:00

OMG

If you have ANY interest at all, you have to go and read your weekly sun sign reading at In Harmony Astrology. Its good. Very interesting.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Last friday mornings sunrise

2009-08-09T21:36:00.001+10:00

I staggered out of bed.

Spotted this coming up from my lounge room window.

Staggered back to the bedroom for my camera.

Staggered back and out the door (no coffee yet remember)

and click.

Straight out of camera this one. (except for straightening just a smidgen, one thing i cant stand, is crooked horizons)

Love it.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

um... what blog

2009-08-09T09:36:00.002+10:00

I am certainly the slackest blogger this side of the black stump

I have been sliding onto one side of my chair and off the other mostly in the past couple of weeks.

Mindlessly playing endless games of Bejewelled Blitz. Escape from reality.

Plus a bit of photo editing as you might have noticed. I ♥ Faces. I ♥ that blog.

Working working and more working.

Money money money.. all good.

Trouble is, I am a person that needs a day a week, or at least a few hours of ALONE time. Total alone. No one here. Silence. Just my thoughts and me. And my computer, or book, or camera or artwork.. whatever. sometimes I will play a cd and sing along or quietly meditate. This is my recharge time. If I dont get it, I get further and further disconnected. I start to get neurotic (well more then usual) and sad.

I have one more week of full time work in this block, but another six weeks could be added on top of it. I definately have six full weeks coming up, we just dont know when it starts. Hopefully i will get a few days off inbetween. Only problem there is my husband is off work and doing some renovations around the house for the rest of august. Aaaggghhhh. I shouldnt complain. I will probably complain when all the work and money dries up.. although the way i am going I get more and more and more.

I am off to shop now and cook for my biggest girls birthday dinner, she will be 17 on Tuesday and we will be having the whole family over for dinner this evening. yay. sigh.

Enjoy your sunday.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

2009-08-08T23:21:00.004+10:00

Here is my fix on 'Cutie boy' from I ♥ Faces for this week

the original

here is what i did to it

the highlight of my week.... love doing this.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

grrr

2009-08-01T07:14:00.002+10:00

guess who drew the SHORT straw

ME

Yesterday arvo I said to hubby... 'hmmm, soccer at 8.15 at Raymond Terrace, sounds like a father/son morning to me' ( I was thinking about sleeping in!!) - father says 'Im working tomorrow' ...... long silence... aaggggggghhhhhh

ok, so here I am - up at the crack of a sparrows fart

trying to get myself together and get to the terrace for soccer...

sigh

catch you later
xo

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

2009-07-31T21:38:00.004+10:00

Fix it Friday again !!

I love this challenge, and this was one that just fell together quite easily. I squared this gorgeous photo of the lovely 'southern belle'. I also found that it just lent itself to sepia tonings by itself, I actually sepia toned a hue saturation layer and then set it to soft light to bring back a hint of colour. I also added an overlay that i picked up off the course i did with Jessica Sprague.

I hope you like my 'fix'.

Here is the original

and here is my take on it

Head over to I ♥ Faces and check out all of the other incredible entries... :)

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Wow...

2009-07-30T21:56:00.002+10:00

where has the time gone

I cant believe how quickly time is passing right now.

I have not got any news really. I am working every day, actually am relieving two people instead of one.. lucky I have some kind of multiple personality disorder. I am buzzing around all day, getting all the important things done, leaving the things that can wait.. geeze this week is going to mean a hell of a lot of catch up for someone.. maybe me, who knows. Lucky I love it. But, ooohhh my feet. I stood up almost all day today on hard floors, my feet are aching like buggery. Oh well, should be able to sit on my butt most of tomorrow.

Like I said, I have no news. My life is pretty boring at the moment - doesnt make for an interesting blog.

I have not even had any interesting insights to share. Nope, got nothing. Oh, I have been having VERY vivid dreams. Those kind that stay with you and continue after you wake up. I love those ones. Some of it has actually been prophetic. Some just confusing. Oh well, we will see.

Anyway, going to bed now.

Take care peoples.

xoxo

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I ♥ Faces.. at the beach

2009-07-27T21:05:00.001+10:00

This weeks challenge at I ♥ Faces is Beach. I happen to have lots of great photos that I took at the beach for my mum for her christmas present last year. I particularly like this one of Kira.

I love that blog, you should check it out now and again. :)

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Monday....

2009-07-27T07:27:00.000+10:00

Oh dear, school hols are over... I cant believe I am saying this but DAMN!!!

Back to work. I am a full time employee for the first two weeks of term so I wont be seeing you anytime soon.

Update
Some progress has been made here. Sand is being shaken from some ears... kind of...in a slowly getting it kind of way. Hopefully we can prevent a relapse. Would be the best thing really, well for now anyway.

ok, am off to shower and dress for the office.

have a great monday peoples

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Its a cruel cruel world

2009-07-24T22:15:00.003+10:00

I have had a bit of a shocker today.

It has been insanely busy, with around 700k's being driven by yours truly, between home, cardiff, thornton, wallsend and home again.

in the meantime i found out that the grown son of a woman i work with has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. her husband dropped dead suddenly of the same thing only two years ago. three weeks between husband with no symptoms to burying husband. what a shock. now her eldest son has been diagnosed. hopefully it will be a less agressive kind. i am reeling. this is one of the most incredibly kind and lovley women i have ever had the honour of knowing. Certainly makes me think... and wonder.

husband chooses this evening to challenge me. i answer his questions honestly and forthrightly. now he is shattered. he didnt realise that while he had his head in the sand, i was slowly getting over the whole head in sand thing.

i dont know where we are going withthis

but it will be one way or the other, and soon

sigh

going to bed now

xoxo

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

2009-07-24T22:01:00.000+10:00

I love fix it friday. Here is the latest from I ♥ Faces. Mr Handsome.

Here is my take on it.

I love the intense moodiness of this image. I cropped it heavily (you might have noticed that), added some light texture and ended up sepia toning it after heaps of other tweaks. I just get so carried away that I forget half of it.

Anyway, if you want to check out all of the other wonderful fixes by all of the other participants, then just click here.

will blog a proper blog later, ok

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

hey ho fellow travellers

2009-07-22T23:03:00.000+10:00

Much going on in my mind today

Many things to think about

for example - Yesterday my brothers wife came over with their two boys (age almost 12 and 8). My mum came too. We had lunch and my mother launched herself into her patterns. I was amusedly watching with a bit of detatchment how she blatently threw herself at my eldest nephew, and he relished the attention that he got over his brother and three cousins. She also attacked me about my hair and how she hates how i wear it. All done in a jovial manner. Later on in the day, when i delivered her the soup i had made for her that she forgot to take home, she attacked my shoes, sigh.

I thought about it all and have chosen to think along the lines that she has my 'best interests' at heart. She obviously thinks I look terrible and doesnt want people thinking badly of me, so she tries to set me straight.

This set me thinking about how I have internalised these attacks that have been happening for at least the past thirty years, since i was a teenager. Probably since she lost control of how i dress or look.

I wonder at what age she will consider me old enough to choose for myself. I will be 44 next month. Shaking head here.

Another thing it got me thinking about is my reaction to her hurtful comments. She was obviously trying to impose her will upon me. I just shrugged it off and moved on. Like I almost always do when someone hurts/offends me or (in my opinion) judges me unfairly. I shrug it off. Straighten my shoulders and move on. I pretend it didnt hurt. I swallow down a tear, shake it off and continue as if nothing was said.

On another level i can always feel that a wound has been reopened. I rationalise it and then push it down.

Why dont I stand up for myself. Why do I let people hurt me. Especially my family. Mostly my mother and brother. They dont have much respect for me I think, not at its most basic level.

As the old saying goes - 'You can pick your friends, but you cant pick your relatives'. Never a truer word spoken.....

Oops... was that an applecart I just upset... oh no. Of course not. hmmmmmmm

It doesn’t have to be difficult if you remember that it’s not supposed to be easy.

I wonder if the Eclipse of the Sun today had anything to do with heightened emotions.

Yes. It was at 29 degrees Cancer. Cancer is emotional, home and family. New Moons signify rebirth, beginnings, a clean slate, the start of a new cycle. The New Moon falls in my 8th house.
New Moon in the 8th House The 8th house is multi-faceted and multi-layered. In the physical realm, the 8th house represents sex and shared resources/finances. In the psychological plane, it represents power struggles within our own psychological makeup and our ability to embrace the "darker" version of our self without it overpowering us. On a spiritual level, it represents "death and rebirth", transformation, regeneration -- the need for something to "die" in order for a "rebirth" to occur -- as in a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. A new moon in the 8th house is generally intense and difficult but also powerful.hmmm - there was lots more information. I found it here As above, so below. Interesting stuff

I am quite tired now. Will wander off and read for a bit before going to bed I think...

My love to all

xoxo
:)

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Wow..

2009-07-18T23:39:00.002+10:00

So much going on for so many...

Some so very up, some so very down. some so very sideways even.

I have been flat out busy. It has been like Pitt Street here, with the comings and goings - constant. The outcome meant that the Resort looked like a bomb had hit it. Top it off, husband has been 'refitting' the built in wardrobe in our room. Resulting in our clothes and assorted other crap all over the bloody place.

On t he up side of that is that I was able to have that clean out that has been waiting for years, and have another five or six bags of stuff to go to charity.

We are totally reorganising here. And the resulting organisational rush has made my head spin. Whoa. All good though. All good.

I have been having a bit of fun photo editing, as you might have noticed, and only just remembered the Stroud photos. I will post them tomorrow. I promise.

I love photo editing. I find it so satisfying and rewarding, definately something I will be doing more of.

Going to bed now.

Tired and shagged out after a long sqwark.
Couldnt voom, no matter how many volts you put through me.

Keep up the good work.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I ♥ Faces Fix it Friday

2009-07-18T14:02:00.001+10:00

Here I go again this week with an I ♥ Faces challenge. This time it is Fix it Friday.

This is where they put up a picture and all you have to do is download it, edit it, and upload your own version onto your blog.

This is the image that was on offer this week.... gorgeous Little Miss.

Here is my edit of it. I enjoyed this one, I got to use some of the techniques I have learned in the Jessica Sprague online course I am doing.

Thanks for looking.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

I ♥ Faces "Sports in Action"

2009-07-14T22:52:00.000+10:00

Wow. I just thought about how long since I entered a photo in the I ♥ Faces Monday Tuesday Challenge.

It has been ages for sure.

I was excited to see this weeks challenge is Sports in Action because I have only just taken lots of photos of my son at his soccer match a couple of weeks ago. I really love this shot of him, I love that arm in the air for balance, hair flying, total concentration and eye contact with the ball. I cropped and framed it, evened out the colours a little, but otherwise, it is almost straight from the camera.

Go Plattsy!! (thats his team :)

If you are interested in looking at everyone elses entries, you can see them here at the I ♥ Faces Blog.

Lots and lots of mega talented people!!!

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen xoxo

The next step....

2009-07-10T21:26:00.003+10:00

Life has a way of making you sit up and take notice.

I have had the most exhausting, wonderful, awful week ever.

It has done my head in and put me in that awful emotional place that i hate to be, but where I make my greatest (so far) connections and insights.

It is gut wrenching, tear jerking, hard bloody work. It hurts .. a lot. But it brings up stuff that I never knew existed and helps me enormously... only with hindsight do I see though... I am not through to the other side yet - I will be soon. I have already seen some amazing things and for that I am sooo grateful.

It is fitting, I guess, that this transition period should fall upon one of the most important weekends of the year. Our transition to the next level. I have sloughed off some crud. It hurt though, as any sloughing will.

I feel on the brink. I can sense the precipice, it is just before me as I reach out my foot to take that next step.

I will be The Fool. I will trust that when I step off the edge, I will be taught how to fly, or there will be solid ground to meet my foot.

I have had my cousin here to stay with me since tuesday.

She is about 15 years older then me and hails from sunny qld.

Her name is Jenny. Like mine. Although mine is Jenni with an 'i'. Same thing though

We have never met in this lifetime, until the 27th of December last year at our Family Reunion.

This woman and I have so many things in common that we could be sisters. I feel closer to her then many that I have known for years. We 'understand' each other. We clicked at the reunion, which was nice, but we have not furthered that, aside from a couple of emails. But now things have changed. She has been here for three days and nights. I worked the days but we sat and talked way into the night. I am amazed by her and honoured to call her 'sister by choice'. She calls me the same. Thank you.

It is exhausting though. Exhausting to be 'on' all the time. I loved having her here, but geeze it wore me out. I think the exhaustion has preceeded this dip.

My boy (9yo) threw up on Wednesday morning at about 4am. He has only just this afternoon been able to get up off the lounge/bed and feel (according to him) 95%.

It has been an intense few days - when he goes down with the gastric, he goes down really hard. I might need to boost him with some vitamins etc ... poor boy.

It went through his class. On Monday this week, 15 out of 24 kids were away with the gastric. Tuesday saw 12 away and Wednesday was 10 (including him). What an awful strain it is.. very violent. So far he has kept it to himself. I am not taking it on, I am tooooo busy.

I just looked back and realised that I have not posted for a long long time. I have not posted since before we went away to Stroud Monastery. OMG what an amazing weekend. I sooo love it up there. It was really really nice to spend some time with the Autumn girls, and to meet and be totally inspired by those wonderful Willows. Rachel, you still need to teach me how to paint that eye!!!!!

The food was incredible. We eat well up there... most certainly do. Excellent.

Already looking forward to next year.

I am tired.

Between my head and my boy, I have not had more then about 3 hours sleep for the past three nights. Plus have worked those days too.

I am frikken exhausted.

Will peruse Facebook (stalkbook) for a while and then hit the sack.

Nighty night

Jen
xoxo

Tuesday... (or, whats in a name....)

2009-06-30T23:22:00.001+10:00

Oh dear

I always open a new post window and sit here looking at that blank title field and blank goes my mind. I would love to be able to think of witty and / or clever post titles. I almost always end up just using the name of the day. Boring eh. Certainly doesnt make you want to quickly click on my blog to see what is going on here.

Will try to pick up my game here..

Wow, what a week and a half it will be. Friday we are off to Stroud Monastery again. Woo Frikken Hoo. I am soooo looking forward to it. It is THE most incredibly relaxing, best place ever. Especially to be there with a bunch of such amazingly incredible women. Talented, inspiring, wonderful friends. Most excellent - I feel blessed.

(The Monastery altar by spotlight)

Husband will be having a birthday on the weekend while i am away (*little finger to lips, ala Dr Evil) - I cleared it with him before I booked. He is fine with it and I am cooking for him and the whole fandamily on sunday evening (yay.. ahem). We will get through it.

Tuesday evening, our last class of Year 2 YAAD. Wow. Another year has gone by. I am really looking forward to moving to the next level and almost have a hissy fit when I think that our next dedication is only a week and a half away. Very very very exciting. Very proud and honoured to be travelling this path with such incredible women. All good.

Oooh, before I forget - almost did - if you are at all interested in Astrology, and those that know me, know that i am kinda into it - I have been following this blog http://inharmonyastrology.blogspot.com/ and their weekly astrology is very very interesting. Just passing on the info, look if you want, or dont. Up to you. :-)

Anyway, am off to bed now, too tired.

Chat soon

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Sunday evening

2009-06-28T21:39:00.003+10:00

Good evening my friends

I am in some kind of limbo this evening

That limbo when those that are closest to you bring down a verdict of disfunction.

OH yes, we certainly bring the fun back into dis fun ction

I must reflect and reflect some more

I apparently have some pretty offensive qualities

Sigh

I will admit to a bit of it, not all

I will try some and own my bits then let them go.

Because if I didnt own them I couldnt let them go.

Very good advice, thanks Robert.

So much going on,

So much to take in

Very intense time for me right now

It is heating up for sure

I dont know if that has anything to do with my going from a Personal Year 9 to a Personal Year 1.

Also, much to take in

My little brain feels like it is in overload right now.

Trying to learn completly new concepts that arent touching the sides.

And old concepts all need re examining too.

Sigh.

Worrying about my state of health sometimes....

My state of mental health that is...

I must not take this on, and I am not... I must just draw from it that which is pertinant to me and move on from there.

One positive thing that I can mention is that I can identify a couple of important techniques that I have learned over the last couple of days or so that will assist me in being objective and moving through stuff. Moving through without dragging anyting along with me. Very important this one.

tough call that one

I am naturally (being a virgo) very hard on myself.

I must lighten up a little.

I must learn to have faith.

This comes up again and again

My achilles heel.

Trust and faith.

This is the axis (astrological) under which I was born

The 'fear/faith' axis

Oh yes

That old chestnut

Obviously this is something that I need to learn

something that is mine to endure.

Lately, I feel really connected

like i just ask and it is there

that is what Robert was saying last night

If i think a question

The answer is there - in a milisecond

awesome

This is easy to accept in 'non life threatening' situations

On the surface i obviously allow instant contact

once it is important

i block it

self sabotage
another old chestnut

sigh

Lots to think about

might go down the rabbit hole with this one

must make sure i am on my track, my right track

back soon

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

OK..

2009-06-27T23:56:00.002+10:00

I am officially the worlds slackest blogger.

i had a nice time tonight at the cottages fifth birthday. Robert was very very interesting. food for thought for sure.

great food, lots of wonderful friends, all good

I am in a bit of a slump in my life at the moment and dont want to bore you or myself with the details. Sick of whinging pists.

Sigh

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Ewww

2009-06-23T10:03:00.002+10:00

Just cleaned out the fridge. You know the green things at the back you cant identify?? All gone. Ah its a tough job but someones got to do it!!

In gratitude for

♥ Nothing growing in the fridge

♥ School days

♥ Glorious sunny winter days with cool enough mornings to put on a cardie but not to freeze any bits off.

♥ Peace and quiet

♥ Seashells and river stones

Enjoy your Tuesday.

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

Is it Sunday already.....

2009-06-21T22:36:00.002+10:00

Um, yes....

and it is even almost over.. well for this week anyway.

What a week it has been. There has been some ups and some downs. Some light bulb moments and some murky muddy ones.

Cant hope for better than that I guess.

In some ways I have felt like this week was a week to take a breather and a rest from the relentless emotional onslaught that is living with teenagers.

I actually was silly enough to say it out loud, and of course, Murphy heard me and whammo, hit me with a doozy. Its ok though.. I learned something from it and that is a good thing.

I am a little at loose ends going into this week. It is my first week without any work booked in and I am dangling a bit. I want something to keep my head and hands busy (I could do some housework, but hey... lol). I like to have something to think about - even if it is just what may be coming or running through the procedure for some computer task. I know, am weird. Deal with it, lol.

On the other hand, I am super super excited to be able to have some time this week to be CREATIVE. I dont know where to start so I guess that can be my thinking cap for tomorrow.

I have been dabbling in a little bit of creative writing this week. I have 'amused' myself by making little stories up about the plethora of images that get shown in my minds eye. Sometimes I get 'shown' a flash of an image and a feeling, then a story rolls through my head. I have never actually put pen to paper before but this week, for some reason, I did. Often this little 'story' is in response to a question that is asked of me.

Maybe at some point I will feel confident enough to post my 'stories'... maybe...

Just in case you are interested - last week I raved about how incredibly funny Good News Week was with Ross Noble. This evening I looked for the TV guide on Channel 10 website and discovered it on their site and you can watch the full episode online. It is Episode 15 if you are interested and here is a link. Just if you are interested.....

All in all, it has been a very busy, introspective week. I think I will finish off tonight with a gratitude list.

I am so, so, so grateful for -

♥ My bloggie friends. Of course you are on top of my list, where else?? I especially appreciate it that you do come back and read, even if I just ramble on with crap or be absent for days at a time.

♥ I would like to make a special mention of my friends Michelle and Jac who have both given me an award this past week - thank you so much, I will put it up and pass it on within the next couple of days I promise!!

♥ My family. The lessons I have learned and the experience I have gained from being in close proximity to these often challenging individuals has been priceless. Not to mention the huge amount of love and admiration that I have for them and their achievements.

♥ My health. In particular my healthy lungs, which have been smoke free for just on 9 months now. I am grateful to be improving my fitness levels and my body has begun to reflect this change.

♥ Warm blankets and fluffy slippers. Needed on these frosty nights and mornings and all in between. Brrrrr

♥ My sense of humour. Nuff said.

♥ Matchsticks. That are keeping my eyes open right now... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

friday

2009-06-19T23:07:00.000+10:00

Am struggling to come up with something, but sick of looking at the kid in the sepia picture. I am tired and busy. I need one of those little signs for the back of my car that reads 'mums taxi' as I seem to CONSTANTLY be driving some frikken kid or another here there and or everywhere.

Busy. Tired. Brain dead.

Missing Fix it Friday.

Missing photo opportunities that fit within my designated time frames...

need to strangle someone.

will go and do that now methinks..

♥¤´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´Lotsa luv from
Jen
xoxo

p.s.

Will blog tomorrow, I promise....