The shadow is only an absence of light. The brilliant light of 2010 will vanquish any traces of shadows.
I will continue my saga….
Giving more thought to all of this last night instead of sleeping (:S) i realised one more thing.
I mentioned that one of my significant friendships broke down. I realised last night that I had three very important friendships in my life. I already mentioned that one broke down. Another moved to Canberra - a long distance friendship is possible but hard to maintain - so that gradually lost its intensity. The last one reunited with her partner - and became smitten with him again, and whatever energy that she had available for me was seriously declined.
So - I was very very alone by the end of 2005. More alone then I realised. Sigh.
Alone and things that are already big look HUGE. Alone and problems become insurmountable. Doubt - my worst enemy was undermining me at every step. Others were undermining me too. My husband would say to me things like “no wonder the kids are so screwed up with you raising them”. I rail against these remarks but I have no comeback. In a sense he is right. Only because of my utter indecision was making me weak - or appear weak at least. Its like the strong and vibrant me had been trapped inside. Trapped there with no way to make herself heard. She is looking out from behind my eyes and cannot believe what she sees.
Actually, I get to this point and I realise that I have reached the core of it. The whole basis of this thing.
I was isolated, and alone. I had to make lots of choices and decisions. Everything rested upon my shoulders. This was fine to start with, but as my support systems began dropping off, and my rocks began to crumble. When the weight I was carrying became heavier and harder to understand. I had no one to bounce anything off. I had no one to help me stand back up again when i was knocked over.
Maybe the very first panic attack, two hours out of Canberra, driving away from my last remaining rock, was what tipped me over the edge. I didn't think of it that way, and was excited for her and boost to her career that the move down there signified.
I wasn't worried about the driving either. I was an extremely confident driver and would drive anywhere in anything. I wasn't worried about Sydney traffic either.
I have been mystified ever since, what triggered that first attack.
hmmmm - well……. ok
So now I know. It feels right. For whatever reason, I had to go through this period of time - this period where I was almost completely dismantled. I was able to function but was so stressed and uncertain that I allowed others to come in to my space and tear me to even more shreds.
I have risen above a lot of this already. My progress has been slow but steady. Hampered by my lack of confidence in my self - lack of conviction - and lack of support. I must learn to rely on no one. I must stop yearning for someone to stand by my side because it just isn't going to happen.
I have built a support system around me again. I have probably kept them a little at arms length though, because the ones that I have let all the way in have been taken from me, time and time again. So a support system of incredible women. Women who are goddesses in their own right. Women that I admire and respect enormously.
Women that I must learn from - as much as I can.
I know it probably seems too simple. An anticlimax maybe?? To me it is like a bolt from the blue.
First of all I must make sure it doesn't happen again.
Secondly I must take steps to build up my confidence.
But most of all - I need to find a way to get the communications through the fuzzy grey stuff between my daughters and myself.
Shine my light so brightly.
Let that be the mantra of 2010.
Shining my light so brightly that there can be no shadows.